I had a reall bad experience today with my brother. He does not know I am going for surgery but he suspects something. He lives in Michigan and Ilive in Florida. I was up there a few months ago for my annual summer trip and apparently he became worried about my health. He called my mom and reamed her out for not making me take care of myself. My mom was like 'she's an adult woman and I don't tell her what to do'. BTW, I am 26 and my brother is 28. I guess my mom said that I have a plan and he shouldn't worry about it. Then he pounded her to find out if it was surgery. She finally told him to ask me himself. He is very aggressive and he gets mad if he doesn't get answers he wants. Its really weird because all growing up, he never said anything about my weight. I have been overweight since puberty. My Dad on the other hand has been awful and always criticizes me about my weight. Well, my brother called me a few days ago but I was busy so we didn't talk. At least my mom warned me in advance. In the meantime, my surgery got scheduled for Dec 4th. I had planned a Michigan trip for Thanksgiving but cancelled because I want to be stress-free before surgery. I told my Dad that I have a new boss at work (true) that told everyone they cannot have any holiday vacations (not true). I told them I had to cancel because my job was at stake. It took some selling but he finally bought it. I know it sounds crazy but I have some major issues with my dad and I felt like taking the path of least resistance. I decided not to tell anyone except my mom and a few friends about surgery. The last thing I need is my family telling me how lazy I am and to 'just stop eating so much'. That is how my dad and brother can be.

Well, my dad must have told my brother that I cancelled the trip and he called me tonight. He wanted to know why I am giving them a 'bullshit reason' for not coming up. He basically is convinced I am having surgery although I know that no one has told him. We had it out big time. I basically told him that my story was true and even if it wasn't I don't owe anyone an explanation. He tried so hard to hurt me. He was so angry that I was 'cutting out my family' and that I lived a 'sheltered' life. I have no idea what he is talking about! He thinks that me and my mom are joined at the hip and that she is 'filling my head with bad things about dad' (my parents are divorced). He was really insulting. For the record, I moved out of my mom's house when I was 18, rented an apartment, have a full time job, and just got my bachelor's degree. My mom and I have a great relationship and we speak almost daily. According to my brother, that is an unhealthy relationship and I am sheltered. He knows nothing about me! My brother went to live with my dad when I was 12 years old. We have seen each other only when I take a trip up there. I told him that he barely sees me and to make these judgements about my life is insulting. There was definitely some cursing going on! I am not hurt by what my brother said, I am hurt that he tried to hurt me. Does that make sense? The worst (and best) thing he said to me was "I hope you don't think that you are going to surprise everyone by coming here skinny next year and thinking that dad and grandma are going to be so proud of you and happy for you, you won't get anything from me, I'll give you zero!". I told him that's a good thing because if I come back there skinny it is because I made a choice about MY life and I don't want anyone there to think that all of there negative comments about me drove me to do something. I will change my life for ME and not anyone else!!

He still had some more barbs to throw at me which ran the gamut from 'you only want to talk to dad when you want something' to 'dad has never said anything bad to you and what's wrong with a little criticism anyway'? Also just for the record, I told him that I have NEVER borrowed a dime from our dad or grandma and that HE is the one that has borrowed money. I have a $20000 student loan hanging over my head right now. I don't understand why all of the sudden, he is all over me. I don't know if he is truly worried about me or if he is jealous of me. He has always been pretty accepting of me but now he has brought all kinds of anger and hurtful things to the table. I don't know where to go from here. I want to have a good, loving relationship but he is, and has always been, emotionally unavailable.

If there was one good thing that has come of the conversation, it is that I am going to call my dad tomorrow and tell him how I feel. I have a lot of anger and hurt feelings built up inside and I have never told him. I am tired of him hurting me and putting me down. I have been so intimidated by him my whole life. That just makes me more angry. I am angry at myself that I have never stood up to him. When he says stuff to me, I am like a dog with my tail between my legs. Well no more! I think the best way to have a good relatinship with him is to let out all of my feelings. Have a good talk about the things he has said and how we can move past it. I want to tell him that he has hurt me and that I am angry about it. I am also going to tell him about my surgery. I want him to know that it has NOTHING to do with him. I don't want him to think for a second that all of his years of torment have pushed me to have surgery. He will not get that satisfaction. I will tell him that if he cannot accept surgery, then we have nothing more to say to each other. I will not continue a relationship that is detrimental to my mental health. I really think he will come around and we may end up having a good relationship. The older he has gotten, the more he has mellowed.

Pretty crappy story huh? Sorry to dump on you all but I can't sleep. I am really angry at my brother. It is obvious to me that he has bottled some feelings towards me that have nothing to do with my weight. He brought them all out tonight. When he argues, he always goes for the lowest blows. But I am not hurt by the blows, just the fact that he was aiming to hurt me. I really don't understand it and it makes me sad. Well, I am going to go pray now. I want to have the right words for my dad tomorrow. I have been building these feelings for 26 years now. It is time for me to be an adult and speak up for myself. If I can have surgery, I can let my dad know how I feel. Thanks for listening! Trisha

Your brother is being a turd. It sounds as if you have it all under control. Good for you!

Before my surgery I kept telling my family and friends; "ONLY POSITIVE ENERGY".

So I salute you taking a step out for a while. I get where you're coming from.

Everything has a way of working out for the best in the end.

Is anyone else getting that it sounds like brother is picking up where dad left off between dad and mom? No wonder they divorced.

Good for you in not spending your money to go up north and have your family verbally abuse you. You would pay for that? ..not just no but hell no.

You don't owe anyone an explanation. Your life, your body, your health. Whatever you share with your mother, god love her for not broadcasting it to the family.

TRUST is a big issue for me. My mother and sister have given me zero reason to trust them. I had to cut my sister out of my life and I'm sad as she is my only sibling but she has very toxic habits that are toxic for me.

Your brother sounds the same. Maybe later it will work out but for now, if he wants to talk to you, he can call. If he wants to see you, he can come to Florida.

PROTECT YOURSELF*

It sounds to me like your brother is being nasty to you for issues he has with your mom. It's just a guess but it seems a little familiar to me. My parents had a nasty divorce involving 2 nasty custody battles for my sisters and I. Right off the bat I knew I wanted to live with my mom. My dad found out and was really angry with me. He made up a bunch of nasty lies about my mom and I beating my sisters. Mom got custody and tried to be civil to him to speak to him about visitation with us and whatnot, but over time, she just wont speak to him (we're all grown now anyway), so every now and then he does something to poke at me with his anger for her. The relationship he and I have is very fake, and to be honest, that works for me. I don't talk to him much, when we do, it's all small talk, and when he comes to town I'll go to dinner or something with him and that's it.

It sounds to me like your brother is being nasty to you for issues he has with your mom. It's just a guess but it seems a little familiar to me. My parents had a nasty divorce involving 2 nasty custody battles for my sisters and I. Right off the bat I knew I wanted to live with my mom. My dad found out and was really angry with me. He made up a bunch of nasty lies about my mom and I beating my sisters. Mom got custody and tried to be civil to him to speak to him about visitation with us and whatnot, but over time, she just wont speak to him (we're all grown now anyway), so every now and then he does something to poke at me with his anger for her. The relationship he and I have is very fake, and to be honest, that works for me. I don't talk to him much, when we do, it's all small talk, and when he comes to town I'll go to dinner or something with him and that's it.

True!

If they had reputation points to give I would rep. you for this one.

.................

I think we find hints of what we experience when others are talking about it and it hits home.

No-one can ever understand obesity like an obese person! I wish I had a nickel for every time someone insinuated that just eating less and exercising would melt the pounds off! (And I have worked out since October of 1983!!)

And no, you most certainly are NOT taking the "easy way out"--because we all must follow the band's rules after surgery and that is not an easy task!

I'm so pleased you are standing your ground--some others might have caved... Keep it up! :bounce:

True!

If they had reputation points to give I would rep. you for this one.

.................

I think we find hints of what we experience when others are talking about it and it hits home.

Thank you

Boy, you know what this sounds like to me? It sounds an awful lot like a member of your family likes you to be heavy and will have a hard time dealing with your success. Sounds like he feels this is an area where he's got you beat. Wouldn't we all be skinny if will power and exercise were all it takes?

Hugs from Minnesota

So sad for you. My brother and i are very close and he has been so.....supportive of me. I do not know what i would do with out him. Our parents are dead so we are always there for each other. I am glad you have your mom. Donna

It sounds to me that your brother is also a bit jealous of your relationship with your mum - hence all the "sheltered" "not normal relationship" comments. I just wish that people who have never struggled with their weight and their relationship with food would stop thinking that you can just stop eating junk, exercise more etc. My brother has made the same comment to his wife - who really struggles with her weight and me. I struggled with my weight - (albeit no where near to the same extent that I do now after two children)- when I was an elite basketballer playing and training 6 nights a week. Can't do much more exercise than that. The classic thing is he is a smoker and drinker and they are really hurting his health but he is "addicted" and can't give up. Food addiction is exactly the same - it is a very difficult thing to control and unlike smoking where you don't have to do it - you have to eat to live so your addiction is with you all day every day. If he or anyone else ever says that this surgery is the easy way out - ask them if they have a band and if not then they can shut the hell up. The surgery can be very painful - (mine was) and the post op diet is really hard for some people- tell him to have nothing but liquids for a month. Then tell him to change his lifelong habits - learning to eat slowly - chew everything so much more takes time and effort - so easy way out my arse. It is a tool to assist you and will not do the work for you. (Mind you it is all worth it and you are making the right decision) But I do hope you can patch things up with your brother and he can be supportive - I think writing the letter is a great idea because you can get out everything you want and need to say without interruption. Then it is up to him. Hang in there and I wish you every success.

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It sounds to me like your brother is being nasty to you for issues he has with your mom.

Thanks to all for your encouraging words. After my brother hung up on me, we have not spoken. I think it is better that way anyway. Our relationship turned toxic very quickly.

Sarah-I think you hit the nail on the head. Because my brother has never acted this way until now, I think it is clear that he has some resentment towards my mom. My brother went to live with my dad when he was 14. Even though it was his choice, I think he feels like my mom abandoned him and didn't fight for him to stay. I think he resents me for the great relationship I have with her and I think he is hurting greatly inside.

I also think some of his problem could be what others said, the success of me weight loss may make him afraid that I will get positive attention. There really could be many things going on with him that I wouldn't know the first thing about. I thank God so much that my mom has taught me to turn to the Lord when I need help. She has also been very supportive of me throughout my life. I guess I forget sometimes that he didn't get the same experience because he was with my dad. It makes me sad to think that he is hurting inside. Maybe one day, he will be able to work through his feelings and he will be happier. I think when that happens, we can have a relationship.

I told him and my dad that I am done being talked to like crap. I mean it. I am changing my life, becoming healthy and I don't care who has a problem with it. I am doing it for me and me alone. It took me 26 years to say that to my dad but I finally did. Fourtunately, I think my dad and I are on the way to having a better relationship. I will not forget what was said in the past but I am beginning to feel like I could forgive. Just because I got my hurt feelings out doesn't mean they are gone. But at least I got them out, my dad acknowledged that he hurt me and that is a huge step for both of us.

Again, thank you all for your words. I am moving on with or without my brother. I hope some day we can speak again. Until then, I am not worrying about it and I am looking forward to my new life which starts Dec 4th!