All I Need is a Miracle

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it. Lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute. She said, "Well, I've been trying to find the right husband. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, has a great sense of humor and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for. A good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again."

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta

night crawlers.

He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his

mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to

steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed Water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be

real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed

him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and

wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But

Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his

bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's

gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of

his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine

likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's

eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux

toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He

slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two

more frogs.

Life is Good!

That was cute! I love it!!

The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN

OF YOUR HOUSE"

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need

To know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished

Eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will

Have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath

So I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my

Robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done,

Guess who's going

To dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

Redneck Man's pick up lines

1) Did you fart?

cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?

cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .

I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?

cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?

cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,

I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,

but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"

Woman - "WHAT?"

Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,

but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?

I think he went into this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,

we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,

every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

they were so funny... i especially love the last one. that was sooooo funny

The Dutches of a very prestigeous estate was in the habit of having elaborate dinner parties. At one such a party, everyone was seated and ready to be served when she leg go of one very profound fart. With utter unabashedness she reprimanded her butler sternly "Perkins!! Stop that at once!!!" He replied "Very well Madam, Which way did it go?"