ONE MAN'S STORY...

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong

with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get

into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the

dear) purchased a week of personal training at the

local health club for me. Although I am still in

great shape since playing on my college football

team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to

go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and

made my reservation with a personal trainer named

Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old

aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing

and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get

started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to

chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it

when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda

waiting for me. She was something of a Greek

goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a

dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.

She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I

attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra

aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way

in which she conducted her aerobics class after my

workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my

sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from

holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it

out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and

push a heavy Iron bar into the air, and then she put

weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I

made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all

worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on

the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have

a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't

try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in

the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me,

insisting that my screams bothered the other club

members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the

morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally

whines that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so

Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell

would anyone invent a machine to simulate an

activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda

told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy

life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like

teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled

back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half

an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she

was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put

me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being

has ever hated any other human being in the history

of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little

cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body

I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat

her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my

triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't

want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&**

barbells or anything that weighs more than a

sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health

and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been

someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir

director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in

her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not

show up today. Just hearing her made me want to

smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked

the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up

catching eleven straight hours of the Weather

Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services

today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is

over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the

other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun

--like a root canal or a vasectomy.

That was great hahahaa I am still laughing, made my day.......Thank You

And if you don't

want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&**

barbells or anything that weighs more than a

sandwich.

:pound: Priceless! Thanks for sharing!

Tami

oh my god ... that was hilarious! *tears*

ROTFLMAO!!!! That is great! I copied it and sent it to my co-worker! We have been walking on the treadmill each day for a couple weeks now! Thanks for the pick me up!!

Turner24

Okay...I'm printing this off and taking it to my exercise physiologist tonight! Especially since she has decided that my current regime is not challenging enough to me any more and is currently looking for more difficult weight training and toning exercises (when its a challenge to get off the toilet, I think the exercises are difficult enough, don't you?) Thanks for the laugh!