So, I wasn't really sure where else to put this.

I've lost the weight (well, most of it, anyway). My body is the best looking it has been in... well, ever. Aside from a couple of minor areas (which, of course, my "monkey mind" magnifies and exaggerates, but which I know are ultimately really trivial), I know that I look good, especially considering that I'm 41; I look SO much better than most guys my age... I'm fit, trim, and muscular just when most guys are really starting to balloon up and let go of their appearance. Additionally, I know that -- as unfair as it is -- men tend to get a lot more slack for having a couple of laugh lines and some grey in their hair than women do (like I said, it's not fair, but it's just the way our biology works -- reproductive fitness is a huge part of physical attraction, plus it's a social thing). I am... romantically available (long, complicated story, but that's the short version). In every way, when it comes to interaction with interesting and attractive women (and, I suppose, men, if I swung that way), everything's coming up aces. Except for one thing...

I'm insanely touch-shy! I was hoping that this would go away when I lost the weight -- that it would be the result of not "liking" my body -- but it has not. In some ways, it's gotten worse because now people actually WANT to touch me; yet I still pull away or flinch away when folks reach for me or enter my personal space. I'm not, in almost every other way, poorly-adjusted. I'm generally happy, generally upbeat, I don't drink or drug myself into oblivion every night. I have a good job, a future, hopes, dreams, and goals. Basically speaking, from a mental health perspective, I'm fine -- or at least as "fine" as anybody ever is. But I have this deeply ingrained, almost unconscious reaction to touch -- I crave it, I love it, I literally fantasize about touch and cuddling (sad? or sweet? you decide...) -- but I also pull away from it.

I'm not completely isolated; I'm not a virgin, and I do give hugs and shake hands and so forth. I do not simply run for the hills when someone enters my personal space. But, it's challenging, and my first instinctive reaction is to pull away or stiffen up like a board. Neither of these are very conducive to romantic relationships (or even, for that matter, just lighthearted, easy, playful relationships, which include friendly touches on the arm and shoulder -- for guy friends -- or hugs and non-sexual "pets" for female friends... giving OR receiving). And I want this kind of contact! I've gotten to the point in my life where I could care less about casual sex; my touch shyness isn't exclusively about THAT kind of touch. It's more about wanting to "be easy" in my mind and body with the sort of casual, gentle touch that most people take for granted.

In short, my touch shyness is REALLY holding me back from having the kind of warm, connected relationships I crave.

Has anyone else had this problem? I find that when I research it on the net, most of the discussions seem to focus around issues of past abuse (I have no past abuse) or maternal coldness (much more likely; my mother, for all that I love her, is also and always has been VERY touch shy; that's probably where I picked it up -- I don't seek to blame, simply to understand the origins). However, knowing this really doesn't help me; like I said, I don't want to focus on "mommy issues" and I really do think that in general I'm mentally healthy. But this touch shyness is really causing me grief!

Well I had an appointment tentatively scheduled for a legit massage tonight, but then they wanted to set me up with a male practitioner. Even though I'm looking for a LEGIT massage, not a "happy ending," this was beyond what my comfort level could handle and I canceled the appointment!

Oy.

I have the perfect solution for you. Ballroom dancing. My stepson was really shy around girls, but he'd show body parts that he shouldn't, i.e. paper thin boxers when I was around. We first put him into karate classes, which helped him get used to touching people, then he went on to ballroom dancing classes. There's a lot of touching involved, but it's all very structured. He posts his videos on You Tube when he competes and it's really helped his self-confidence levels, plus it's given him a venue where he's had to learn the "polite" ways to express interest in girls.

He's a bit of a ham, but his videos are listed under "thenameismagoo" on You Tube if you're interested in seeing whether that might be something you could tolerate. It's about the only way I can think of where you'll get to meet women who are NOT expecting you to either pay them for their favors, or pushing you into situations where you're not comfortable. Students and instructors are definitely not encouraged to date.

Perhaps a few lessons would help you become more used to having people in your personal space.

Good luck!

I had the same problem due to childhood abuse. It was extremely difficult (impossible) for me to tolerate even casual touch, even when meant in a completely nonsexual way, and even from people I trusted the most. My nickname in my family was "touch-me-not."

What changed for me was part of the same process that led to my sleeve. I decided, at the age of 45, that I was tired of halfway living--I felt like I was really missing out on relationships, intimacy (and I don't mean sex), true friendship, belonging to a community, having a sense of belonging to a larger group and feeling okay about it. Being known and accepted. I was married to a man I wanted to be able to fully "be with," instead of holding part of myself off; I'm a musician and really wanted to be able to connect comfortably with feelings instead of walling them off in case they hurt.

I decided a counselor was a good idea, and for me, it was. I understand that you feel it isn't an option for you. The counselor I saw actually didn't focus too much on how I was "feeling." We talked through the past stuff, and just talking about it sort of released some of its power--I had never really talked about it much before with anyone, except on very rare occasions with a couple of family members and my husband. Mostly, the counselor helped me realize that I was flexible and competent enough so that even if something horrible happened--I risked myself, my feelings, my emotions, my energy, whatever, and it hurt, or it failed, or whatever, nothing permanently horrible was going to happen.

Believe it or not, the realization that I was truly okay--that I was capable of being myself without my walls, without my "alter egos," without my "masks"--this was a HUGE deal. I have sort of undergone a personality change in the last year and a half, gradually becoming less and less touch shy, gradually becoming more and more open and able to just be myself--honestly myself, and I don't mean rude or assertive or whatever, because I'm not, but I'm not always struggling with trying to figure out what other people need/want me to be and then trying to be/do that. I feel like I'm honest now about who and what I am, and with that sense of self, the touch shyness has strongly diminished to the point where I am able to initiate and accept friendly contact without really thinking about it much--what a change!!

This sense of self strength, for lack of a better term, is also the reason I finally had the sleeve. I wanted my outside to match my inside. I didn't need the fat suit for protection any more; in fact, I found it was a very isolating thing, and I wanted it gone. I think you have already started the process of eliminating the space between you and others by quite literally eliminating the wall of fat that kept you separate. Give yourself time--I know it feels really awkward in social settings, but don't push yourself. You'll know when you're comfortable enough to go there.

I do think that going for a manicure (YES, men do that) or some other non-undressing touch experience would be a good way to begin to dissociate all touch from sexual overtones. I would never have been comfortable with a massage at first, but a manicure? Sure. Do you have pets? Physical contact doesn't have to be between you and another person to help you get comfortable with another being entering your bubble. If you don't have pets, consider volunteering at a shelter--those animals need gentle touches, and you need to gain experience and comfort with that in a non-judgmental environment.

Anyway, this is long, but I wanted to share that you can overcome it. It was a process for me, and obviously you'll have things to work through on your own, as counseling is not an option, but I wish you the best--you've already started on the path!

As far back as I can remember I had the same issue. I realized how big a problem it was when a professor and a very good friend of mine (I worked with her daily for 3 years) asked me if she could put her arm around me for a picture when I graduated college.

As an educator, I imagine your professor's request might also have been motivated by her anti-harassment training--in other words, it might not have been something she did just because she thought you were touch shy. Especially at the collegiate level, we are trained to ask to be sure our students are comfortable with our touch; in classes that I teach (in music), I frequently offer physical corrections to young conductors, and I ask every time--it's habit. Your prof may have the same habit. :-)

Well, I went for a massage, and it was... very interesting. I did end up getting physically aroused at a couple of points (I suppose it's a physiological thing), but due to how professional the establishment was, and how well I was "draped," it was not a problem.

And the interesting thing is that I had a couple of odd "flashes" of emotion. Towards the end of the massage, as I was lying there, on my back (basically, my most vulnerable), getting a completely non-sexual massage, I had these odd moments of "trust" and "vulnerability." I think I flashed back towards being a little boy, being completely trusting and open. I really don't think it needs analysis beyond this, it was just a sort of regression to a more trusting state. Unfortunately, it WAS towards the end of the massage, so shortly after experiencing it, this feeling of total trust and "letting go" of worry about who was touching me and why, the massage was over. But there's a glimmer of... something? on the horizon.

I've scheduled another, longer massage with the same outfit on Monday. We'll see how that goes. I feel like my strategy of treating touch shyness as a phobia and desensitizing it just like you would any phobia, is paying off...

When you feel comfortable enough to try it, there are special massage techniques like myofascial and Rolfing that work on muscle memory that could be good for you, based on your last post.