As you can see from my signature, I haven't lost all that much weight, but I am beginning to feel completely different. I am so much more assertive now. I am beginning to speak my mind.

Like yesterday when someone thanked me for participating in a program and I said, "You're very welcome, but I don't want to do it anymore. The people here don't treat me well and I don't need that." And she not only understood, she said she felt that way herself and started talking about ways to change it. I guess I've been participating in that program for two years and never complained once because after all, someone wanted me to do it so I have to do it, right?

Or like there's a doctor at work who is just hateful and mean to everyone. She always hurt my feelings. But I kept being nice to her and saying "hi" to her (she never answers), hoping that one day I'd win her over. I should have known better all along, but suddenly one day I realized, "It's her problem, her loss." I no longer care what she thinks of me. Why would I?

I had become so very private. I didn't share a lot of what was going on with me or how I was feeling with even my closest friends and family members for fear of eliciting disapproval of some thought or idea or feeling. And I needed their approval because I didn't have my own. So it was always a cheery, "I'm fine, how are you?" And then I would feel alienated and disconnected from them.

I'm realizing that I've been so silent for so long. That was not me before I gained weight. But I see now that obesity kind of made me feel like I really had to earn my right to exist through good works and pleasing others. What a shame, what a waste.

I have a lot of healing left to do. I'm just amazed at how the mere knowledge that I am taking care of myself and getting healthier has made me realize that I'm worth it.

I know this reflection has been long and very personal, but I decided to share it with you because I felt you would understand.

Nancy

Nancy -

A thousand congratulations! I am so proud of you!

I know exactly where you are coming from when you say,

...kind of made me feel like I really had to earn my right to exist through good works and pleasing others.

It wasn't until I had my counseling that I realized I felt I had to earn love and approval. When I go back and read what I wrote about how I felt about myself I am appalled.

I still would like to learn to be more assertive in my life. I think part of my problem is that I feel a need to be somehow diplomatic, and if I can't figure out a way to say something in what I think is a non-offensive way, I tend not to say it.

I do believe it is possible to be assertive without being offensive - I see people do it all the time. In my work arena I have no problem being assertive, even aggressive, but in my personal life I am definitely more maleable.

Thank you again for sharing such an important milestone in your journey.

How cool! Congratulations!!!

This might be unrelated but..

My betterhalf's family would rarely talk to me during get-togethers, I felt as if I were jugded for my looks and that I had problems, they seem so fake.

Now I'v lost some weight and inches and I'm looking better, they are speaking to me, I feel like screeming, I'm only excepted if I'm thin, people can be so rude.

Its the person inside, your soul I try to see.

Take care of yourself first!

You know, at some point in the future when you have a better relationship with them, I would tell them that I felt that way. Something along the lines of, "I felt like I was accepted more by you when I lost weight." It's possible they aren't really conscious of how they are acting, and it's a sure bet that they don't know how it makes others feel. Some good could come of it if their predjudice was dampened some.

Of course, it does hurt, like all prejudice hurts. I've felt it myself.

(((hugs))) to you.

Thanks

They had a way of makeing me feel like I wasn't good enough, so now I don't feel like being around them. But they are family and I will smile, and maybe some day I'll let them know how they made me feel.

Accepted not Excepted ...

Thanks again

Nancy--What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing that. I've had similar changes to my self-esteem and feeling of self-worth. It's great to feel like myself again.

Janeen

10/18/02

Dr. Ren, NYU Medical Center

306/207/206mg/165g

Nancy

I apologize for talking over your thread.

I hit my own nerve.

I was sitting here looking forward to New Years, Going on a party boat (with sis in law whos flying out from Chicago) and about 11 others in the SF bay and just wondering what if....................My self esteem hasn't been all that high lately.

Anyway I want to hear about whats going on with you.

I'm trying to make plans to do stuff and its not easy, any advice?

I wearing Black I'm serious.