shellyphaunts

Saw my doctor for the first time in almost 3 months. Expected to get a big lecture on my fantastic 18 pound gain. Thankfully, he was very kind. Filled me up, 2cc's, and sent me on my merry way. Why did I gain? Why did I stop going to see him? It started as being fed up with not being able to eat and vomiting all the time. The last time I saw him, he removed most of my fill. I don't know what happened after that. I got really stressed out with hubby in Afghanastan. Mom being sick. Everything was totally overwhelming. And damn, it was so nice to eat bread!!! I love carbs. I'd missed carbs. Then it was suddenly Thanksgiving. Why not enjoy it with my family, eating next to them, normally. And Christmas. Part of Christmas is baking goodies, right? Yea, I did my part. And my neighbors part, and your neighbors part. I baked my brains out. But those are just excuses. I made the decision every morning, not to work out, not to follow my diet. And now, I feel awful. All that hard work, down the tubes. I can't believe how easy it was to gain. It didn't take long at all. Pretty damn easy. Sadly, it won't be that easy to take it off. But, I am ready. I want to hit my goal this year. I know I can. I know I will. 80 pounds in 12 months. I CAN DO IT!!!! Then watch out Hawaii, here I come!

When I finally decided on getting banded, I told my husband, my children and my parents. I hadn't yet decided if I wanted my sister to know. She is also obese and very emotionally unstable. Unfortunately, someone in my family has a very big mouth and didn't abide by wishes. My sister was told. She has been completely unsupportive to the point of mean. I've spent six months losing and gaining the same 15 pounds, miserable and feeling like I destroyed our family. Some rather rude comments she made over the summer have wreaked devistation on all of my relationships, and I am still trying to put the pieces back together. Just be careful who you tell. Some people, even people who supposedly love you, can't stand to watch you succeed. Especially when they can't.

Why do people have to be so damn mean!? Someone in my family remarked that by having WLS, I was "cheating" about six months ago, and I have not been the same since. OMG, it hurt me soooo much. And it managed to start a world war within my family and turn every relationship I have to crap. I feel like I am walking on egg shells around EVERY single person in my family. Well, except my kids and hubby, whom I thank GOD for everyday! If this is cheating how come you have to work so hard? If it were easy, I wouldn't be able to gain weight. And when I did, I could just wave my magic band and *poof* say goodbye to those pounds! I would already be at goal!! I would be so HAPPY, people would get cavities when I entered the room! And so the heck what if it is cheating!? If people who love us see us healthy and happy, why do they care if we "cheated" to get that way!? Seems to me it shouldn't make a difference. I think people just get jealous. Jealous that we got up off the couch and did something to improve ourselves. They didn't. So they're poo-pooing what we've done to make themselves feel better. And I'm sick of it! Yea, right, we cheated. And this is friggin' easy, pshaw. If you believe that, I've got a bridge out here in Tucson I can sell ya real cheap!

First, I must say this: I love my family with all my heart, but a select few are driving me completely insane! It hit me yesterday, that FEELING is not allowed in my family. Voicing your feelings is not tolerated. And I can't live my life like this anymore. I refuse to raise my children that way. Depression is anger turned inward. And if you don't discuss your feelings you stuff them, with food, alcohol, etc. I CANNOT DO THAT ANY LONGER! I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT ANY LONGER! I just end up hurting myself. I chose to have this surgery and change my life for ME! If you love me, then be happy for me and support me. Don't blackmail me emotionally. Don't lay someone else's shit sandwich in my lap. If someone else is depressed or unhappy, that person should DO something about it. It's NOT my fault if someone is upset and too depressed to go to work. Tell THEM to put THIER big girl panties on!! Cuz honey, I've had my big girl panties on for A LONG time. I am dealing with my issues. I am trying to become a better person. I am not crying to my Mommy and blaming others for my unhappiness. I OWN my issues. They are on ME! And don't emotionally blackmail my children when they express their feelings and those feelings upset you. YOU are the adult. Shame on you! SHAME ON YOU! It is only natural for a child to protect his parent. God knows I've tried to protect mine. Even when they probably didn't deserve it. But to not only negate their feelings, and then threaten them emotionally! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!! That hurts me more than any of the bullshit that has been thrown at me the last year. All of it put together, doesn't hurt as much as when my son told me how he was treated last night. By his own grandparent. I still can't believe it. If you only knew how much you hurt him. And me. I know you want to live your life with your head in the sand and pretend everything is a-okay. Fine. You do that. But don't expect me to. And don't expect me to raise my children that way! I don't want them to wake up twenty years from now, full of self-loathing, and stuffing every feeling because they can't express them. Been there, done that, and it SUCKS! I just realized it's okay to take care of me. People actually DO THAT. Take care of themselves. And it's NOT selfish!! WHO KNEW!? All my life I have been terrified of being a selfish person. So I give till I have nothing left to give. And I wonder why I am empty? Cuz I gave it all away! Someday I hope it is okay to have my wishes respected. I really do. I think that would feel good. I remember when I told you I was going to have this surgery. I SPECIFICALLY asked you NOT to tell my sister. I hadn't decided if I wanted to tell her or not. Even then I had an inkling that she would not be supportive and that my decision would be a problem for her. But you told her. Thanks so much. I also tried to explain to you over Christmas that I needed to keep the negative people at arms length. To take care of me. I was feeling extremely vulnerable. Then you turn around and tell me I need to go talk to her. Practically blame her depression on ME! Thanks for throwing that steaming sack of shit in my lap. Totally appreciate that. And last night, when you thanked me for doing what you asked.... do you know how that made me feel? Like all was right with the world, because Jennifer was happy, and that was all that mattered. You didn't even notice that I was crying. That my eyes were swollen from crying all afternoon. That shows me exactly where I stand. Thank you for that too. You probably didn't notice that I was drinking for the first time in three months either. Or that I was five seconds away from bumming a cigarette off the grumpy guy. After 16 months of being smoke-free, I was completely ready to throw all that hard work out the window. Hello self-sabotage!!! My old friend! But I didn't. I guess I had my big girl panties on after all. Huh, Mom?

First, I must say this: I love my family with all my heart, but a select few are driving me completely insane! It hit me yesterday, that FEELING is not allowed in my family. Voicing your feelings is not tolerated. And I can't live my life like this anymore. I refuse to raise my children that way. Depression is anger turned inward. And if you don't discuss your feelings you stuff them, with food, alcohol, etc. I CANNOT DO THAT ANY LONGER! I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT ANY LONGER! I just end up hurting myself. I chose to have this surgery and change my life for ME! If you love me, then be happy for me and support me. Don't blackmail me emotionally. Don't lay someone else's shit sandwich in my lap. If someone else is depressed or unhappy, that person should DO something about it. It's NOT my fault if someone is upset and too depressed to go to work. Tell THEM to put THIER big girl panties on!! Cuz honey, I've had my big girl panties on for A LONG time. I am dealing with my issues. I am trying to become a better person. I am not crying to my Mommy and blaming others for my unhappiness. I OWN my issues. They are on ME! And don't emotionally blackmail my children when they express their feelings and those feelings upset you. YOU are the adult. Shame on you! SHAME ON YOU! It is only natural for a child to protect his parent. God knows I've tried to protect mine. Even when they probably didn't deserve it. But to not only negate their feelings, and then threaten them emotionally! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!! That hurts me more than any of the bullshit that has been thrown at me the last year. All of it put together, doesn't hurt as much as when my son told me how he was treated last night. By his own grandparent. I still can't believe it. If you only knew how much you hurt him. And me. I know you want to live your life with your head in the sand and pretend everything is a-okay. Fine. You do that. But don't expect me to. And don't expect me to raise my children that way! I don't want them to wake up twenty years from now, full of self-loathing, and stuffing every feeling because they can't express them. Been there, done that, and it SUCKS! I just realized it's okay to take care of me. People actually DO THAT. Take care of themselves. And it's NOT selfish!! WHO KNEW!? All my life I have been terrified of being a selfish person. So I give till I have nothing left to give. And I wonder why I am empty? Cuz I gave it all away! Someday I hope it is okay to have my wishes respected. I really do. I think that would feel good. I remember when I told you I was going to have this surgery. I SPECIFICALLY asked you NOT to tell my sister. I hadn't decided if I wanted to tell her or not. Even then I had an inkling that she would not be supportive and that my decision would be a problem for her. But you told her. Thanks so much. I also tried to explain to you over Christmas that I needed to keep the negative people at arms length. To take care of me. I was feeling extremely vulnerable. Then you turn around and tell me I need to go talk to her. Practically blame her depression on ME! Thanks for throwing that steaming sack of shit in my lap. Totally appreciate that. And last night, when you thanked me for doing what you asked.... do you know how that made me feel? Like all was right with the world, because Jennifer was happy, and that was all that mattered. You didn't even notice that I was crying. That my eyes were swollen from crying all afternoon. That shows me exactly where I stand. Thank you for that too. You probably didn't notice that I was drinking for the first time in three months either. Or that I was five seconds away from bumming a cigarette off the grumpy guy. After 16 months of being smoke-free, I was completely ready to throw all that hard work out the window. Hello self-sabotage!!! My old friend! But I didn't. I guess I had my big girl panties on after all. Huh, Mom?

Thank you for the advice PHCathy! I hope at some point I can open up my heart to my sister, but right now, I really need some distance, for my own success and sanity. As for my best friend, this year she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. We used to work out together, but she can't anymore. Plus, I think there is a certain amount of depression that came with the diagnosis, as well as other life changes. It just seems that both of our lives changed so much this year, but in opposite ways. I try quite hard to remain close to her, and find things to do when she's feeling up to it, but it's difficult for her right now. . LMDiva~ I have been looking into the BodyBugg. Are you happy with it? Hugs to all,

I have been facing the "head hunger" issue alot lately. I don't think it's a coincidence that I've also been dealing with family "issues" lately as well. I think alot of this process is mental. I was going along, losing steadily, happy as a clam for the first six months of this journey. Then, bam! People in my life start spazzing out and I start getting inside my own head and weight loss has come to a screeching halt. Hunger is back, trying to knock down the door. I've begun to look at the reasons I became obese in the first place. I spoke to my doctor, explaining that my weight loss is affecting my relationships. He referred me to a psychologist he works with to help post-op bandsters "adjust." <Okay, pun intended!> :thumbup: Talk to your doctor about your hunger. Physical or mental, he can help you. All the best luck! Hugs,

I have to agree with Adagray. And maybe add a bit. My sister and I have been obese together for about 10 years. I have recieved zero support from her since my surgery. However, she still spoke to me, on occasion. Six months post-op, we saw eachother for the first time, and I had lost around fifty pounds. She said NOTHING about my success. It really hurt me. Since then, she has completely cut me off. She refers to my WLS as "cheating," telling other family members I took the "easy" way out. She refused to see me during the holidays, and insisted my parents have TWO holidays, one for my family, and one for hers. Why? Did I betray some secret fat-girl code? No. Seeing me succeed forces her to face her own insecurities. There is another person in my life, I love more than anything, but I think even she resents my weight loss, just a little bit. She happens to be battling her weight for the first time in her life. She has been very supportive, but there have been comments here and there, that make me wonder. Everytime I tell her I've gone down a size in jeans, or lost a few pounds or met another goal, she cries. After a few tears, she claims to be very proud of me. But I hear the sadness, I see a hint of jealousy. I feel a distance grow just a little bit more in our relationship. It really breaks my heart. I think the comments you are hearing come from this same place. A deep fear that you will succeed where they have failed. Your success is a reality check for them. One they aren't eager to face. For myself, I know how hard this journey is, just dealing with my own insecurities and issues. But having others insecurities thrust upon me at the same time is overwhelming, and makes trying to lose weight that much harder. Somehow, you just have to let it go. Focus on your own fight, and let them deal with theirs. Easier said than done, I know. Best wishes to you. Hugs,

I've had wine several times since my surgery. Birthdays, Christmas, a nice dinner out... a glass or two. It didn't hurt me a bit. I didn't care for the carbs and calories, however! LOL! Just watch yourself, the alcohol really hit me quick and it didn't take much to make me a bit tipsy! :thumbup: Hugs,

Happy New Year all! Thank goodness Christmas is over. Instead of the normal x-mas stress, I had extra with this stupid feud with my sister. She refuses to speak to me, so we had to have seperate Christmases with our parents. Isn't that unbelievable?? I found it quite depressing. She got Christmas eve, so I took my hubby and kids to dinner and a movie. We actually had a really good time! That afternoon, hubby, my Dad and I bowled in a tournament. (I beat the boys! LOL!) It ended up being a pretty good day. Christmas day my folks came over to my house, and we opened gifts, ate xmas dinner and had a really nice day. It wasn't the same, but in some ways, I enjoyed it more. This whole issue w/ my sister has brought alot of issues to the forefront. My surgeon suggested that I see a psychologist. I don't know that it helps, but I know I need to do something. I've caught myself several times heading to the cabinets for a snack, when I am not hungry. Stuffing my emotions again. And my weight loss has stalled. I have hit the biggest plateau. I know it's mental. And not doing the things I need to do to take care of myself. Everyday I have to try my hardest to get my protein in, exercise, eat enough of the right things. I'm just so.... mad. Or sad. Probably both. I need to find a way to get back to that space where I was so hopeful, and felt good about myself. I felt like I could actually reach my goal, and that I deserved it! Somehow, that feeling got taken away by all this negativity and drama. And I miss it!!

Happy New Year all! Thank goodness Christmas is over. Instead of the normal x-mas stress, I had extra with this stupid feud with my sister. She refuses to speak to me, so we had to have seperate Christmases with our parents. Isn't that unbelievable?? I found it quite depressing. She got Christmas eve, so I took my hubby and kids to dinner and a movie. We actually had a really good time! That afternoon, hubby, my Dad and I bowled in a tournament. (I beat the boys! LOL!) It ended up being a pretty good day. Christmas day my folks came over to my house, and we opened gifts, ate xmas dinner and had a really nice day. It wasn't the same, but in some ways, I enjoyed it more. This whole issue w/ my sister has brought alot of issues to the forefront. My surgeon suggested that I see a psychologist. I don't know that it helps, but I know I need to do something. I've caught myself several times heading to the cabinets for a snack, when I am not hungry. Stuffing my emotions again. And my weight loss has stalled. I have hit the biggest plateau. I know it's mental. And not doing the things I need to do to take care of myself. Everyday I have to try my hardest to get my protein in, exercise, eat enough of the right things. I'm just so.... mad. Or sad. Probably both. I need to find a way to get back to that space where I was so hopeful, and felt good about myself. I felt like I could actually reach my goal, and that I deserved it! Somehow, that feeling got taken away by all this negativity and drama. And I miss it!!

Michelle~ So sorry to hear about your loss. I am beginning to learn that our emotions play a huge roll in weight loss. Be kind to yourself. You've been through a huge trauma, and need time to heal. It sounds like you are holding yourself up to high standards you wouldn't hold anyone else to! Just relax, and try to stay away from the scale for a few days. Each day just try to work on one thing. Like drinking your water. Or getting your protein in. I know exercise sucks, but it can help you feel better emotionally. Maybe try a walk each day. Throw on your Ipod and listen to your favorite music while you walk off some anxiety (and calories!) Hugs to you!! You can do it, hang in there!

.... cuz you sure as heck can't shoot 'em!! LMAO!! Thanks for the support. What an awesome story!! Ryan was a lucky kid! *hugs* Shelly

Well, I am now two weeks post-op. Gall bladder is outta there! Surgery was a piece of cake. Ooooh, cake. Sounds yummy! Anyway, two more weeks until I can get back to my regular exercise routine. I can't wait. I have five lbs to go until I hit Onederland!!!!! I am soooo looking forward to that milestone!! My reward is going to be purchasing a pair of 501 Levi's for the first time in, oh, twenty YEARS! LOL! Recently, I heard through the grapevine that my sister thinks my WLS is "cheating." It's not like we are the closest of siblings or anything, but to hear that from her, of all people, killed me. She knows what it is like to be morbidly obese, and to try to diet, and fail over and over again. She hasn't remarked to my face at all about my weight loss, negative or positive. But behind my back she tells everyone I am cheating. I have changed so much in the last eight months. Not just the weight loss, but I quit smoking, I quit drinking, and I quit drinking diet soda. I changed habits and my viewpoint. I've worked so hard for the new and improving "me" and for her to say such a nasty thing, breaks my heart!!!

Well, I am now two weeks post-op. Gall bladder is outta there! Surgery was a piece of cake. Ooooh, cake. Sounds yummy! Anyway, two more weeks until I can get back to my regular exercise routine. I can't wait. I have five lbs to go until I hit Onederland!!!!! I am soooo looking forward to that milestone!! My reward is going to be purchasing a pair of 501 Levi's for the first time in, oh, twenty YEARS! LOL! Recently, I heard through the grapevine that my sister thinks my WLS is "cheating." It's not like we are the closest of siblings or anything, but to hear that from her, of all people, killed me. She knows what it is like to be morbidly obese, and to try to diet, and fail over and over again. She hasn't remarked to my face at all about my weight loss, negative or positive. But behind my back she tells everyone I am cheating. I have changed so much in the last eight months. Not just the weight loss, but I quit smoking, I quit drinking, and I quit drinking diet soda. I changed habits and my viewpoint. I've worked so hard for the new and improving "me" and for her to say such a nasty thing, breaks my heart!!!