BrightNights

Hi everyone,
I'm having a really tough time dealing with my mother in law. There's no kicking her out, my husband won't because his other siblings won't take her in. (She tried to split up his brother with his new wife just after they had a baby, and his oldest sister has ended all contact with her)
Part of the reason I did this surgery is to have a reason to say no to her feeding me/guilt tripping me to eat junk food. Before she moved in 5 years ago. I was 130lbs. I know it's 100% My responsibility what goes in my mouth, but over the years, she's made it so hard. I was done, defeated. After reaching out and getting therapy, they think cutter her off will be the only way to have long term weightloss success.
She's not meant to do any shopping but she does, all she buys is junk food in the reduced section. She buys so much, she bought a massive freezer to store it all in. The worst part is that she has no idea of how calories work, so she thinks eating healthy food = will undo all the junk she ate, so in her mind by eating all of it, after a chocolate binge, she'll lose weight so she will eat all the meat and vege in the house (she's about 450lbs) and then guilt trips us because we didn't eat the 5 cakes, 6 packs of donuts she bought etc.
I thought with this surgery I could just say "I can't eat those things, they could kill me" and maybe she would stop buying this much junk.
Sadly no, she's going H.A.M at me now. She threw a tantrum when my husband told her I was getting the surgery, tried everything in her power to stop me from getting it done. Once I had it done, she started spreading rumors, said I spend $25000 on cosmetic surgery etc, she's just really making life hard for me, mentally and physically. She's also started eating my protein water, eating my Optifast, denying it. Then offering me things like donuts when I have no food in the house, which I can't eat, I had surgery 15 days ago, and shes refusing to acknowledge it. Instead she'll buy my favorite junk food and put it on display and keep telling me it needs to be eaten NOW. I found out a few days ago, the meals I make for my husband she keeps throwing in the bin to justify buying the junk, she said he throws them out because he hates them and he's a bad husband and I should leave him, I told him this and he said he'd never do that and that she's been saying him I'm useless and I'm not cooking for him and if he wanted she can ask me to leave. So she's clearly started trying to put us against each other, he said she used to do this to him and his siblings as kids and we just need to ignore what she says and tell each other, so we know what's going on.
I'm just so exhausted, I can't keep living like this, I have to hide my food and I've started to think about the next stages, which are going to be so much harder to stop her from sabotaging. I just want to be able to meal prep and have a normal life but my husband has said, she can't buy a house until interest rates settle down, there's no rentals in the area and he can't kick her out because she will have nowhere to go, so we just have to put up with her until then. I just think I needed to rant about this but at the same time I'm just really tired and I just want to have a normal life. It feels like I'm probably going to be hiding optifast and just using that for meals until she's gone, because I can't trust anything in the kitchen.

We can't have tea or coffee? o.o whoops i've had both. I wasn't told this either. They even offered me tea and coffee the day after my surgery XD but i had no desire as i could barely drink water or apple juice they gave me.
I think it's wise to stop until you chat to someone, maybe chat to your GP about it.

Every team is different, your team may not have that rule.
The big thing is caffeine slows down the healing process. So most teams just require you stay away from it for a little while, during your healing.
Other people do have problems with it, so luckily you don't.
My team required 30 days before and after surgery to be caffeine free. I was never a coffee drinker so no issue for me. I sometimes make an iced coffee with a protein drink for a change.
I also used decaf coffee, so you could always do that too. So you still get your coffee without all the caffeine.

there is absolutely no consensus at all among surgeons re: the caffeine issue. Some say you can never have it again for the rest of your life. Some patients are allowed to drink it before they even leave the hospital. Still others say you have to wait one month, or three months, or six months. And then others say it's OK as long as you limit it to 1-2 cups a day. My take on this is that it's not the worst thing you can do. Follow your plan from here on out just so, if asked, you can say you followed the plan - but don't worry about the slip up.

As mentioned above, every team is different. My team was pretty strict, not even decaf was allowed. At 3 months I could start with a limited amount of decaf coffee and at 6 months, 1 cup of coffee with caffeine was allowed.

not all surgeons say you can't have coffee or tea. Some are fine with it. No consensus at all on this issue..

My first drink in hospital was coffee and good it was too. If your team has said no coffee, then stay off it. Otherwise drink away. Just stick to the rules your team set. There are a gazillion rules, and I think every team pin them to a dart board and choose the first 20 they hit. Don't worry about it unless you feel unwell

i had coffee 1 month post op... and since then i have coffee every single day pretty much. No issues. Just make sure you are hydrated.

Every program is different. No restrictions for coffee or tea pre or post op as per my surgeon and team. Coffee offered to me right after I woke up from surgery. I drink about 3 cups a day. I have never had issues.

depends on the surgeon and your tolerance… i have been drinking coffee on and off since surgery and been fine

According to previous ASMBS guidelines from the ASMBS website, "Q: Do I need to avoid caffeine after bariatric surgery? A: Caffeine fluids have been shown to be as good as any others for keeping you hydrated. Still, it is a good idea to avoid caffeine for at least the first thirty days after surgery while your stomach is extra sensitive. After that point, you can ask your surgeon or dietitian about resuming caffeine. Remember that caffeine often comes paired with sugary, high-calorie drinks, so be sure you’re making wise beverage choices."
The BariatricPal Store carries a large selection of bariatric friendly coffee options at https://store.bariatricpal.com/collections/coffee .

The next time she buys your favorite junk food and tells you that it needs to be eaten now. I would pick it up and throw it in the garbage disposal or garbage can and make sure she sees you do it. Forcefully tell her you cant eat that and everytime she brings junk food into the house it will be thrown away. Im sorry you are having to deal with her.

Wow... Just, wow... I agree with others about locking the fridge and cabinets - and throwing away all the junk she brings into the home.
Ask her if she wants to go into a lockdown dementia facility. Because the way she's acting, that's where she belongs. You might want to have an intake nurse come evaluate her, just to prove the point that you mean business. If she doesn't straighten up and fly right, she's being sent to a home. Clearly she's incapable of feeding herself proper food and she's losing her memory - proven by her eating your special food and saying she didn't.

^ All of this. If she wants to f*ck around, let her find out.
Toxic manipulators really don't deserve any chances, especially when they are clearly in the process of gleefully causing damage.

Omg and I think I have it hard just dealing with temptation when I go out with friends and family. I can’t imagine dealing with this in my own house everyday. Do NOT let her win. Every pound you lose In spite or her trying to sabotage you is a little victory over her. And every argument you and your husband do not have is another one. She clearly thrives on causing drama and if you refuse to give it to her she probably still won’t change but it will steel all her thunder at least. I have a family member who is mentally ill and refuses to get help and she likes to create drama too. I had to practically cut her out of my life and keep her at a distance because I struggle with my own mental health issues that I do try to get help with but, if you are strong enough you can have her around and let her THiNK she doesn’t phase you. She surely will get to you at least from time to time but try to hide it if you and your husband do argue agree to do it outside of the house where she can’t see it and she will try even harder for a short while to create issues but ideally it will lose its novelty if she see that you are losing weight as you want to and your husband and you are a united front. No matter what do not let her sabotage this for you. You deserve this.

That is just awful. She sounds horrid. I hope you get away from her as soon as possible. I would also start documenting everything she does and says with date and time and take pics too (all the things about leaving stuff out, throwing things away, etc.) - she's trying to gaslight you. The documentation could help should you ever have to commit her.
Put key locks on all cabinets (leave her one) and fridge. And definitely put one on your bedroom/bathroom.
It's your house. She may have 'nowhere' to go, but you absolutely do not have to be near her or engage with her.

That was my first thought too. Lock your food down so she doesn't get into it. Also, you and your husband lay down those firm boundaries, and hold firm. Let her freak out, and just ignore her when she acts up. Treat her like a 3 year old having a temper tantrum.

I get it about not throwing her out. I have helped many in a situation who needed a place, especially relatives. It gets annoying fast. She is over the top so that's why locking your food down and other drastic measures are needed so you can stay on track. Good luck. We're rooting for you.

Thanks everyone for all your understanding and input, it makes me feel a little less crazy.
My Husband has been throwing out any junk food she leaves on the kitchen counter like whole cakes, donuts, cookies and chips and she's started annoying him by picking all the meat out of dishes and eating it leaving just pasta etc. So he's started saying once shes gone, he wont talk to her anymore as he's done, it would be nice for action though.
We've also had a few chats with her, she just acts clueless, denies everything, hums random songs over us talking, acts like she's got dementia or says she must (she jokes about it) or laughs it off. Her daughter has been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and thinks her mum has it to but there's no way she'd get help, she enjoys messing with lives, hence why her daughter cut all ties with her.
I think I'll do what many of you have suggested and buy a small fridge with a lock. My husband and I are renting this place but we're looking at buying and he's said once we move, she can stay in this rental by herself and pay her own bills or find elsewhere as she's not moving with us. Hopefully this is sooner rather than later. Thanks again everyone for all your support.

Thanks everyone for all your understanding and input, it makes me feel a little less crazy.
My Husband has been throwing out any junk food she leaves on the kitchen counter like whole cakes, donuts, cookies and chips and she's started annoying him by picking all the meat out of dishes and eating it leaving just pasta etc. So he's started saying once shes gone, he wont talk to her anymore as he's done, it would be nice for action though.
We've also had a few chats with her, she just acts clueless, denies everything, hums random songs over us talking, acts like she's got dementia or says she must (she jokes about it) or laughs it off. Her daughter has been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and thinks her mum has it to but there's no way she'd get help, she enjoys messing with lives, hence why her daughter cut all ties with her.
I think I'll do what many of you have suggested and buy a small fridge with a lock. My husband and I are renting this place but we're looking at buying and he's said once we move, she can stay in this rental by herself and pay her own bills or find elsewhere as she's not moving with us. Hopefully this is sooner rather than later. Thanks again everyone for all your support.

Thanks everyone for all your understanding and input, it makes me feel a little less crazy.
My Husband has been throwing out any junk food she leaves on the kitchen counter like whole cakes, donuts, cookies and chips and she's started annoying him by picking all the meat out of dishes and eating it leaving just pasta etc. So he's started saying once shes gone, he wont talk to her anymore as he's done, it would be nice for action though.
We've also had a few chats with her, she just acts clueless, denies everything, hums random songs over us talking, acts like she's got dementia or says she must (she jokes about it) or laughs it off. Her daughter has been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and thinks her mum has it to but there's no way she'd get help, she enjoys messing with lives, hence why her daughter cut all ties with her.
I think I'll do what many of you have suggested and buy a small fridge with a lock. My husband and I are renting this place but we're looking at buying and he's said once we move, she can stay in this rental by herself and pay her own bills or find elsewhere as she's not moving with us. Hopefully this is sooner rather than later. Thanks again everyone for all your support.

Thanks everyone for all your understanding and input, it makes me feel a little less crazy.
My Husband has been throwing out any junk food she leaves on the kitchen counter like whole cakes, donuts, cookies and chips and she's started annoying him by picking all the meat out of dishes and eating it leaving just pasta etc. So he's started saying once shes gone, he wont talk to her anymore as he's done, it would be nice for action though.
We've also had a few chats with her, she just acts clueless, denies everything, hums random songs over us talking, acts like she's got dementia or says she must (she jokes about it) or laughs it off. Her daughter has been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and thinks her mum has it to but there's no way she'd get help, she enjoys messing with lives, hence why her daughter cut all ties with her.
I think I'll do what many of you have suggested and buy a small fridge with a lock. My husband and I are renting this place but we're looking at buying and he's said once we move, she can stay in this rental by herself and pay her own bills or find elsewhere as she's not moving with us. Hopefully this is sooner rather than later. Thanks again everyone for all your support.

Thanks everyone for all your understanding and input, it makes me feel a little less crazy.
My Husband has been throwing out any junk food she leaves on the kitchen counter like whole cakes, donuts, cookies and chips and she's started annoying him by picking all the meat out of dishes and eating it leaving just pasta etc. So he's started saying once shes gone, he wont talk to her anymore as he's done, it would be nice for action though.
We've also had a few chats with her, she just acts clueless, denies everything, hums random songs over us talking, acts like she's got dementia or says she must (she jokes about it) or laughs it off. Her daughter has been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and thinks her mum has it to but there's no way she'd get help, she enjoys messing with lives, hence why her daughter cut all ties with her.
I think I'll do what many of you have suggested and buy a small fridge with a lock. My husband and I are renting this place but we're looking at buying and he's said once we move, she can stay in this rental by herself and pay her own bills or find elsewhere as she's not moving with us. Hopefully this is sooner rather than later. Thanks again everyone for all your support.

Thanks everyone for all your understanding and input, it makes me feel a little less crazy.
My Husband has been throwing out any junk food she leaves on the kitchen counter like whole cakes, donuts, cookies and chips and she's started annoying him by picking all the meat out of dishes and eating it leaving just pasta etc. So he's started saying once shes gone, he wont talk to her anymore as he's done, it would be nice for action though.
We've also had a few chats with her, she just acts clueless, denies everything, hums random songs over us talking, acts like she's got dementia or says she must (she jokes about it) or laughs it off. Her daughter has been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and thinks her mum has it to but there's no way she'd get help, she enjoys messing with lives, hence why her daughter cut all ties with her.
I think I'll do what many of you have suggested and buy a small fridge with a lock. My husband and I are renting this place but we're looking at buying and he's said once we move, she can stay in this rental by herself and pay her own bills or find elsewhere as she's not moving with us. Hopefully this is sooner rather than later. Thanks again everyone for all your support.

Thanks everyone for all your understanding and input, it makes me feel a little less crazy.
My Husband has been throwing out any junk food she leaves on the kitchen counter like whole cakes, donuts, cookies and chips and she's started annoying him by picking all the meat out of dishes and eating it leaving just pasta etc. So he's started saying once shes gone, he wont talk to her anymore as he's done, it would be nice for action though.
We've also had a few chats with her, she just acts clueless, denies everything, hums random songs over us talking, acts like she's got dementia or says she must (she jokes about it) or laughs it off. Her daughter has been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and thinks her mum has it to but there's no way she'd get help, she enjoys messing with lives, hence why her daughter cut all ties with her.
I think I'll do what many of you have suggested and buy a small fridge with a lock. My husband and I are renting this place but we're looking at buying and he's said once we move, she can stay in this rental by herself and pay her own bills or find elsewhere as she's not moving with us. Hopefully this is sooner rather than later. Thanks again everyone for all your support.

Hi everyone,
I'm having a really tough time dealing with my mother in law. There's no kicking her out, my husband won't because his other siblings won't take her in. (She tried to split up his brother with his new wife just after they had a baby, and his oldest sister has ended all contact with her)
Part of the reason I did this surgery is to have a reason to say no to her feeding me/guilt tripping me to eat junk food. Before she moved in 5 years ago. I was 130lbs. I know it's 100% My responsibility what goes in my mouth, but over the years, she's made it so hard. I was done, defeated. After reaching out and getting therapy, they think cutter her off will be the only way to have long term weightloss success.
She's not meant to do any shopping but she does, all she buys is junk food in the reduced section. She buys so much, she bought a massive freezer to store it all in. The worst part is that she has no idea of how calories work, so she thinks eating healthy food = will undo all the junk she ate, so in her mind by eating all of it, after a chocolate binge, she'll lose weight so she will eat all the meat and vege in the house (she's about 450lbs) and then guilt trips us because we didn't eat the 5 cakes, 6 packs of donuts she bought etc.
I thought with this surgery I could just say "I can't eat those things, they could kill me" and maybe she would stop buying this much junk.
Sadly no, she's going H.A.M at me now. She threw a tantrum when my husband told her I was getting the surgery, tried everything in her power to stop me from getting it done. Once I had it done, she started spreading rumors, said I spend $25000 on cosmetic surgery etc, she's just really making life hard for me, mentally and physically. She's also started eating my protein water, eating my Optifast, denying it. Then offering me things like donuts when I have no food in the house, which I can't eat, I had surgery 15 days ago, and shes refusing to acknowledge it. Instead she'll buy my favorite junk food and put it on display and keep telling me it needs to be eaten NOW. I found out a few days ago, the meals I make for my husband she keeps throwing in the bin to justify buying the junk, she said he throws them out because he hates them and he's a bad husband and I should leave him, I told him this and he said he'd never do that and that she's been saying him I'm useless and I'm not cooking for him and if he wanted she can ask me to leave. So she's clearly started trying to put us against each other, he said she used to do this to him and his siblings as kids and we just need to ignore what she says and tell each other, so we know what's going on.
I'm just so exhausted, I can't keep living like this, I have to hide my food and I've started to think about the next stages, which are going to be so much harder to stop her from sabotaging. I just want to be able to meal prep and have a normal life but my husband has said, she can't buy a house until interest rates settle down, there's no rentals in the area and he can't kick her out because she will have nowhere to go, so we just have to put up with her until then. I just think I needed to rant about this but at the same time I'm just really tired and I just want to have a normal life. It feels like I'm probably going to be hiding optifast and just using that for meals until she's gone, because I can't trust anything in the kitchen.