AHappierMe

Welcome and great job!!

On Saturday my husband completed the necessary blood work (14 vials!). Now we wait for the results so he can receive the final surgery date. Our month of August is greatly built upon his surgery date, as he and I will both take some time off and I will be responsible for morning drop off for our son for a few weeks. My husband is convinced he will work at home throughout the recuperation and be actually physically back to work after 1.5 weeks (he works a desk job). I very much hope that is true but I don't think he realizes how painful / different / life altering this entire thing will be. Naturally, I am anxious that he will overdo it and end up back in the hospital due to dehydration or busted staples. He tells me that I worry too much but I just can't help it! I spent several hours late at night watching Youtube Video Blogs of Weight Loss Surgery recuperation and beyond. And, I have to admit, every.single.one.of.them looked amazing 6-10 months out. They each went from fat to fabulously slim and it was obvious that they were thrilled with their transformation. There was a lot of real talk about pain, drains, catheters, gas, burping and foamies but none said they regretted the experience. I am ready to be on that side of the surgery! I told a close friend of mine this weekend that my husband and I were having the surgery. She told me she would help in anyway and could "bring over food" so I wouldn't have to cook. We both laughed as she quickly corrected herself about the food. I explained the 5 stages of diet afterwards and she told me that she has considered the surgery as well. It was nice to share my concerns/fears/thoughts about the process with someone who was receptive and empathetic - no to mention personally interested. Just the 5 minute interaction energized me about getting the surgery. I very much want to start losing weight again now - instead of waiting for the surgery. I plan on doing Slim Fast again, as that is the only way I have lost weight in the last 2 years (I lost 35 pounds - which I gained back, and more!). I have two shakes in my office now but I haven't cracked them open yet. I am not quite ready to give up my bagel and cream cheese in the morning yet. This week I will replace lunch with the shake and keep breakfast and lunch the same. I like this plan! Next week I will replace both breakfast and lunch with the shakes. Toodles!

Update to my husband's dietitian appointment. He called me immediately, since he knew I was stressing it, and everything is moving forward appropriately. His final blood work is on Monday and, when the results are in, they will give him his surgery date. We are hoping to know the actual date some time next Thursday or Friday and he is targeting late August for the surgery. I wish we had done the blood work earlier and knew the date NOW. I am so, so, so impatient to move forward super quickly. I know my husband was hoping I would be at least temporarily relieved by the dietitian appointment but, of course, I am not. My mind just moves on to more worries down the line. I am desperate to just make time move faster so the surgeries can both be completed. Or at the very least, his, so I can see what to expect. Toodles!

Today is my husband's last appointment with the dietician, ahead of receiving his surgery date. Last night we diligently read aloud the entire 45 page booklet that describes and process, diet steps, directions and no-no's for life post-surgery. As part of his appointment today, he needs to bring his vitamins and protein shakes for approval. Last night we headed to Costco to pick them up ($80 for everything). As I read the lengthy directions and detailed notes of the proper mg for each vitamin and mineral, I could feel the blood pulsing in my head and a distinct feeling of lightheartedness -- just from reading about the first seven weeks! I kept asking my husband if he was sure he wanted to do this (which was mostly what I was asking myself in my own head) and he was stoic. I told him he could change his mind and I wouldn't care but he said he wanted to push ahead. I asked him, point blank, if he was scared and he said no. I told him that he must be lying - there is no way someone can go through this surgery and not be scared. But he said that he was ready for the change. Well, maybe I am not. I am worried for my husband. He has never taken a daily pill in his entire life - let alone the 6+ he will take in specific ways for life. One time I tried to get him to take vitamins (years ago) and that lasted barely a week. He says he knows he has to be dedicated to take all vitamins but I am concerned that he will stop caring overtime. He is a typical man - always trying to find an easier and more efficient manner of doing this and I fear that means he will cut corners. He indicated that the 45 page manual seemed a bit harsh and repetitive. My husband is very, very smart but doesn't always make the right choices long term. I am worried for him!! I am also worried that this dietician appointment won't go as smoothly as 'rose colored glasses' husband thinks. He seems to think that he will be fine but I am concerned that he hasn't done enough to be cleared for the surgery. I guess that all extends from 1) my anxiety 2) lack of confidence in him to do the right things 3) this process shouldn't be THAT easy. Part of me is also anxious about this appointment because I know it will be gatekeeper to my own surgery. I cannot move forward without knowing this timeline (due to the 3 moths requirement in between). Yes, I am scared and unsure and afraid and anxious - but even more than that - I want them over with! I am so done being 'in my head' about the surgeries (even though I have months ahead of me to worry). I.just.want.this.surgery.process.done so we can move forward eating right, being healthy and becoming fit. I will update after his appointment.

Step one and then one foot in front of the other! You can do it - I am rooting for you!

I really need to focus on managing expectations of my post-surgery life. Last night, as I was trying to finally drift off to sleep, I was thinking about the comments on this post and I was feeling thankful for hearing positive words and encouragement. However - then my mind went off the deep end!! All of a sudden, I was feeling super excited about my life post-surgery. In my day dream (if you can call it that at 12AM), I had become skinny, sexy and stylish. And - without credible reason - my weight loss had even lead to better eyesight (I have worn glasses since 25 years old)!! AND, the weight loss somehow added several zeros to my bank account because I imagined my husband and I frolicking on some private beach and other exotic locals. AND, I became a fashion maven - rocking outfits that only really attractive people can pull off. For a moment, I got caught up in all the wonderful things that were going to happen once I was a size 2 - but those things are not reality. Yes, I will feel more sexy and happy when I am not so fat. Yes, I am really excited for my husband to be fitter (and the benefits that come along with that...). Yes, I am thrilled to live a more illness-free life and spend a longer time with the ones I love. Yes, I am worried but dedicated to this surgery. But, I am keenly aware that losing weight will not change my whole entire life. I am not going to become some fashion model, jet setting across the world. I will still be Amber - full time mom, full time wife, full time worker at a University. But...just maybe, I can go into stores and feel confident and look good wearing tailored, stylish clothes. And, just maybe, this new found confidence and added happiness will contribute to an even better life. No - I don't expect to be all the things I fantasize about -- but a girl can dream, right?? Toodles!

Thank you so much for sharing!! I love the photos - such fantastic proof of your hard work!

I had a few nightmares last night. Ok, maybe I was giving into my anxiety that the worse case scenario will always happen. If only I could control this anxiety - oh, $hit - now I am having anxiety about my anxiety. And here it comes, anxiety about having anxiety about anxiety. Can someone please slap me!?! Ok, back to the nightmares. My first one was about dying during surgery and missing out on my family's life. Yeah, heavy topic, I know. I was imagining that I died and then I had to watch my family cope with the loss and then I had to watch them move on with life, missing me terribly but I couldn't do anything about it. I just felt so selfish - like putting my weight loss needs ahead of their needs to have a Mommy and wife. I mean - if I can get real here for a second - I am not so obese that I cannot still fully participate in life. The fear I have of dying during surgery is rooted in the guilt I have in wanting the surgery. If only I could lose the weight and and NOT gain it back!! It is only 60 f**king pounds! What kind of loser am I?? To answer my own question, a shitty loser because I can't even lose weight properly! Ok, second nightmare. I woke up around 2AM and felt like I was choking or had something caught in my throat. I got up, drank a bottle of water but still "felt" it in there. I sat there, as my husband snored like a Mac Truck, and remembered all the stories I had read about post-WLS individuals feeling like they had food stuck in their chest and I panicked. I was like "I don't want to live this way!! What if I feel like this all the time for the rest of my life?!?!". Eventually I got up and ate a banana, you know, to push this imaginary food down into my stomach and I did feel relieved that it has passed. I tend to have outrageous anxiety ahead of any life changes (see my introduction post) and I know these concerns are bolstered by it. However, in the morning, I remember the importance of moving forward. I have significant co-morbities that will be greatly helped with a permanent reduction in weight. I have tried and tried and tried and tried to lose weight and keep it off, a never ending cycle of yo yo-ing. I want a permanent change but I am scared. I think it will help to watch my husband go through this surgery next month. I will see that he survived and is being successful. My husband and I are very different in our attitudes toward change. Frankly, my husband seems to lack any and all anxiety about anything. He tends to be patient and see life through rose colored glasses. Perhaps my level of anxiety and his 'whatever happens happens' attitudes balance each other out. Either way, I am happy to have a calm, patient partner to support me. Toodles!

Hi! Thank you so much for the comment. I had heard that I would remain on my thyroid medication and I appreciate the confirmation of your experience.

I cannot agree more with you! My parents are (and continue to be) extremely irresponsible about their surgery. They have been successful in losing and keeping off the excess weight (mom is down approximately 190 pounds to 140 since 2001 and dad is down approximately 170 pounds to 160 since 2005) and most of their co-morbidities (diabetes, high blood pressure, some back pain) have either reversed or lessened dramatically. However, they were ill to being with and their lack of self care is evident in the way that their bodies reacts. They both want me and my husband to have this surgery very, very much and, if anything, the suffering that not eating right and not taking vitamins has STRENGTHENED my husband and my resolve to follow the plans/directions for life! Thank you for the comment :-)

Holy Shite!! You look fantastic! You are an inspiration!

Wow!! Congratulations - you are doing it! So inspiring :-)

::Deep breath:: Hello? ::tap tap:: Anyone here? How are you? I am fine-ish. I mean, I feel fine and I look fine but something is still holding my happiness back. Actually, if I am being honest, I am not fine. I am scared, anxious, worried, afraid, concerned, freaked out but dedicated to doing this surgery. I am scared because both of my parents have had gastric bypass surgery and have had life long effects that are most likely attributed to the surgery (vomiting, dehydration, shitting themselves to death, constipation, vitamin deficiency, neuropathy). I am anxious because I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and, though treated and kept in check, my anxiety knob still gets turned to 11 when I am faced with a huge changes. I am afraid of permanently ruining my body and life through this surgery in an attempt to lose 60 pounds (the same 60 pounds I have lost and gained many, many times). I am concerned about not being able to live with the changes because I am "addicted" to fast food (not really, but I do enjoy eating all things fried and fatty, possibly more than the next person). I am freaked out because this will be the biggest change (besides having my amazingly perfect son) in my life. But, I am dedicated to this surgery because of so many reasons. Some of these reasons may seem petty and unimportant but - to me - they all encompass my WHY!! Oh, so cliche, but important to remember. Perhaps I should be playing some kind of slow, emotional music as I write this to make it even more dramatically sad and moving. Please think of your favorite emotion driven sound track during the below paragraph. Ready? Ok...I can wait while you think of one... Ok, here goes my WHY list: live for as long as I can with my son and husband, get fully healthy, look fantastic in photos from nearly every angle, stop back/side cramps whenever I stretch, remove bra extender for good, wear my wedding ring again, wear my wedding dress (size 4), wipe my butt without straining, wear high heels again, no more double chin, look sexy and beautiful, have sex again, stop taking pills (metformin, thyroid med), wear a bathing suit, look younger or at least my age (33), 'fit in' with the MILFs, wear yoga pants and not feel stupid, wear clothes that are stylish, have my outside match my inside. <end emotional music here> But who am I? Who is AHappierMe - that is the burning question, right? (ok, just pretend it is a burning question and not a UTI): Real Name: Amber Sex: Female Age: 33 Turn Ons: extra money, exotic vacations, Italian accents <--Ooops, sorry, that went to an awkward place. Medical Issues: Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss (6 miscarriages), PCOS, Hypothyroidism, Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (most likely caused or influenced by the repeated pregnancy losses). Weight Loss Attempts: Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Low Carb / No Cab, South Beach Diet, Cabbage Diet, Fasting, Low/No/Negative Calorie, juice fast, Slim Quick, Sim Fast, Protein Shakes, measuring food constantly, trying to trick myself into think I could be anorexic (no kidding - it worked for about 4 days then I realized that I couldn't give myself an eating disorder and binged like there was no tomorrow), intermittent fasting, fad diets and diet pills. Highest Weight: 200 (after having son) Lowest Adult Weight: 122 (aged 22, when I got married) Current Weight: 180 Goal Weight: 120 Height: Too Damn short for my weight! ::Audience goes WILD:: Ok, it is 4'll. Lastly, my husband is currently in the process of getting the bypass done too and should have surgery in late August. I am INSANELY excited for him. He is 6'0, 350 pounds and is very much ready for this change. My consultation appointment is August 18 but I have already passed the requirement of getting the surgery. I wish time would move faster but I must wait 3 months after my husband's surgery to have mine. In the meantime, I will be updating at least daily on this same topic. I will be updating about my husband's progress and my progress through this journey. Here is a quote to wrap up this post: "Change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end" - Robin Sharma (don't worry, I didn't know him either. Apparently he is a Canadian motivational speaker) Toodles!!