Hiraeth

I actually smiled when you said I'm a child. I still feel like a teenager. My life has gone by so quickly. I was forced to make adult decisions as early as age 12. So, I feel like I wasn't able to grow up the way I should have. When someone tells me I'm young, it makes me feel pretty good. So, thank you. <3

Wow, you are such an amazing person for accepting people for who they are. Will you adopt me? LOL. And you are so right; she really should sort out her issues before pursuing a relationship. I guess I felt like I could fix her. But I know I can't do that. I don't think she truly loves herself. She admitted that she is depressed. I just wish there was something I could do to help. I have a "save the world" complex. You should see all the strays I have rescued, lol!

I heard about that story, too. Was her persona named Rick? If so, then the straight woman actually ended up marrying the lesbian woman, lol! Crazy, right? I don't think I'm being catfished to that extent. I know what she looks like and I've even done a background check on her (she allowed me to) and everything she says is true. I've even Skype'd her parents. So I know she is real. But, I know it's unhealthy to continue this. Last night really was an eye-opener for me. I know my worth. I know I deserve better. This morning she texted me saying she's depressed. I rolled my eyes when I got that text because she said this after I told her that I was doing some soul searching last night. I feel like she said this to pull me back into her dark cave. I'll admit, a part of me was pulled back, but the other park is staying in a safe spot. I'm keeping part of my guard up. I think she may call me later, I'm not sure. Good news is, I'm going to my 2nd support group tomorrow since surgery and I'm excited! LOL! I have to admit, this made me laugh so hard! I really should!

She is 24 and I am 25. I don't usually go for women younger than me, but she's only 9 months younger, and she acts much older than me. So it worked for a while. When we started dating, she was seeing a therapist about her guilt for having homosexual desires. The counseling was helping her a lot. But then when she moved, and moved in with her homophobic sister, her guilt hit its peak. This is what triggered our breakup. She then started having a crush on a man because he was nice to her, and she desired feeling normal. So now they are engaged, but I know that she prefers being intimate with women. She tells me details about their sex life (which I find odd). I don't think she knows that I have feelings for her, because I am pretty good at hiding it. Sometimes I think that she flirts with me to see if I'll flirt back, then she will talk about her sex life to see how I react. I've given her reactions that she enjoys, but I think that she wonders if that means that my feelings are still there. I agree 100%. For people who like sex, if there is little to no attraction, then the marriage won't work. I truly believe that she sees him as more of a best friend than a lover. I think she is trying to force herself to love him. She says that she barely ever sees him because he works night shift. Can this cause someone to doubt a marriage? In my opinion, I don't think it would cause them to doubt marriage if they truly love the person.

Wow, harsh, lol. No, she doesn't show me pictures of them together. If she did, I definitely wouldn't be talking to her. That would be too much, I think. Years ago, she made the effort to try to see me, but I told her not to at the moment. I wasn't ready because my mother didn't know about my sexuality. She felt rejected, and that's when she started to develop a crush on someone else. I don't blame her fiance for anything. I feel bad for him, honestly. He's depressed, too. And I have a feeling that she's part of the reason. I let people treat me this way because I feel bad for them. I know it's not right. I really just needed advice. Thank you.

My dear girl...haven't you had enough of her bullsh*t already? The hardest thing to do sometimes is move on. You know that's what you need to do. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I have several friends who are lesbians and I've seen this type of behavior with many of them in that they seem to not be able to end a relationship when that is the logical step. It's always 'let's stay in touch' and I don't get that. This woman was a huge part of your life...you loved her and likely still do. Doesn't mean you should be involved with her though. Think seriously of cutting all contact. In my opinion, that is the step you need to take before being able to move forward. Wishing you all the best... I really do think I have had nearly enough. I haven't reached my breaking point, yet. But I am very close. I did not take that the wrong way. It sometimes seems like there's a lot of cheating and relationship issues in the LGBT community. Usually, that's because LGBT people tend to be a bit more insecure because of nonacceptance and that can cause them to be insecure in other things. And you're right... She wanted to remain my friend, but I was unable to do that. I thought, after 2 years, I would be able to be her friend. But I now realize that my feelings for her have never completely left. It sucks. It's hard for me to cut contact because she seeks advice from me. I'm the only person she texts besides her best friend and fiance. Her best friend isn't the best at giving advice, so she confides in me. I'm afraid to take that away from her. I know I should put myself first, but I've never been the type of person to do that. I know, I sound pathetic. :/

You'll do what you'll do, but if you "ask her how she feels," be aware in advance that you'll be playing her game, dancing her dance. If you're "most likely" [ahem] going to end contact, why does it matter how she feels? Don't look for ways to torment yourself. Don't let her reappearance cast a shadow on your weight stuff. They are separate issues and you don't wan to hand over what makes you feel so good. Never hand over to anyone what makes you feel good. Anyone who would actually accept such a gift is worth neither the gift nor the giver. Gosh, you are so right. If I ask her how she feels, then I will be playing her game. I went too long without texting her last night, so she texted me back. I apologized and said that I was distracted. She was EXTREMELY curious as to what I was distracted by. So I told her that I was soul searching and learning my worth. She then became even more curious. So I told her I was on a forum talking to other people. She wanted to know what forum, but I didn't tell her. She has no right to know. Thank you for your response. <3 No, but we have Skyped. I know it sounds crazy, but I truly don't think she is living a life separate from what she tells me. She sends me about 3 videos a day showing me what she's doing (I'm not sure why, lol). I'm pretty good at knowing who is lying to me, since I've been lied to many times, and I truly don't think she's lying about her life. Thank you! I know it's her, and not me. I know I have a lot of love to give, and that she made a mistake by leaving me. I also know that if I had been there with her in person, I'd be the one she chooses. But I'm not there, that's why this isn't working. Again, thank you. <3

Wow. That's the first thing I have to say. This is such a thorough, heartfelt, and kind response. I truly appreciate your honesty and the time you took to write this. It means more than you know. You are 100% right. I truly believe that she is insecure. I also feel like she may be trying to relive her past before she makes a commitment to someone else. I think she will be defensive, since she has already shown signs of being this way. I honestly cannot tell you how much this response has opened my eyes. I have to love myself more than this. Your analogy about the thorn being in the heart is such a perfect description, that I feel like you know me personally. You are very intuitive, and I appreciate that. Once I've had enough of her bullshit, I'm going to show her this message that you wrote me. I could never put my words into such a perfect way. I won't show who you are, but I needed this to word how I feel correctly. Again, thank you so much. <3

This is wonderful advice. I'm amazed at how wise these replies are. I am so glad I posted this here. You all are so sweet to be so understanding. She was lonely, and he did become her best friend. I feel bad for letting her become lonely. We talked constantly, but that wasn't enough for her. Plus, her sister's words and actions triggered even more guilt inside of her. They are intimate, but they both like different things I suppose. Plus, he can never make the first move with her because it triggers severe PTSD in her. You are right. She admitted that it is easier for her to live a heterosexual life. She is avoiding a lot of guilt, shame, and persecution. Her parents loved me, but it wasn't enough because her sister was so cruel. I am almost certain that she will grow bored of him and end things, if not soon, then later. I guess I want to help her also avoid that mess, but I know it is none of my business. So I'm keeping my opinions to myself when I speak to her. When I try to leave her alone, she becomes more persistent with texting me. She will text me every few hours until I answer. She texts me right when she wakes up, and right before she goes to bed. It's very confusing. I feel bad leaving her in the dust because I think she confides in me. Either way, I feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to disappoint her.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I would want her back, but the question is: Should I? No, I shouldn't. I know I deserve someone who knows what they want. As for the distance, I would have moved to be with her. I wasn't ready to move a few years ago. She also did not cheat on me when we were together. She ended things before she ever became intimate with anyone. She only developed a crush while we were dating. She said it's because she was lonely because I wasn't there with her in person. I do agree that she is mentally cheating on her fiance. I feel bad about this. But she said that he doesn't care if she flirts with other people, as long as it doesn't become physical. To me, that sounds so weird. I would never want my significant other to flirt with other people. Their relationship doesn't seem very secure.

Thank you all for posting. I know I shouldn't be allowing her to string me along. I hate that I allow it. I think what I will do is bring up the subject and just come out and ask her how she feels. After that, I will most likely stop contact again. I was doing so well and had a lot of sunshine in my future with this WLS. Then she pops back up and now the sunshine is dimming. It sucks.

You're right. I shouldn't have asked that question because you all don't know her personally. I don't know why I asked that, lol. You're also right about me hoping she isn't in love with him because I do want her to be with me. I've never confided in anyone more than I have with her. That's what makes this so difficult. Love truly is complicated. My ex cares A LOT about sex. She thinks about it constantly. So, I would think that she wouldn't be able to be in a relationship with someone unless she were attracted to them. I do think a lot of the reason why she is marrying him is to please her family and avoid the guilt of being with a woman. She craves companionship, so she would rather be with a nice man than be alone. I do wonder if she is getting sexual gratification from me, but then she keeps bringing up her past and truly going into detail about why it ended; which was because of the guilt and distance. Even if she dumped him for me, I don't know if I could be with her because of the lack of trust I once had. I do know that with time, my trust could be restored, but I am still scared. She seems to be attached to me emotionally. She is very persistent with text messages. Sometimes I will test her (unknowingly to her) to see if she will keep texting me, even if I haven't replied to her previous texts; it's almost as if she's chasing after me. Also, she texts me right before she goes to bed and right when she wakes up. So I must be on her mind.

I know I can't solve them, which sucks, because I wish I could. I think I may have a "Save-the-World Complex". Right now, talking to her gives me mixed feelings. I get excited when she texts, but I also feel so shitty when she talks about getting married. It's a constant roller coaster. I also feel disappointed when she goes a while without responding. It's hard for me to tell her to stop, because honestly, I like when she does it. But, I know it isn't healthy to let this continue. I have contemplated blocking her, but sometimes I feel like I'm her only form of support and advice. She always tells me that I know what to say and that I give great advice. I do know that there is probably someone better than this out there for me. It just sucks because, I have never connected with someone this much. This is so hard.

Thank you all so much for your wise words. You all have a very good point in this. Trust me, this advice really helps. Exactly! I swear, you always have such wisdom in all of your posts. I am so honored that you took the time to respond to me, especially with such a stressful topic. I agree with this; I don't think she knows what she wants. I'm usually very good at figuring things out for myself, especially with relationships, but this one has got me on a roller coaster of confusion. She told me many times recently that she can't be with a woman purely because of guilt. She said, "I don't feel guilty with my fiance." I truly believe that she just cares about him as a friend, and that she is trying to force herself into loving him as a partner. I also wonder why she waited this long to contact me, especially since she is about to get married. I also wonder why she keeps bringing up our past. I really hope she isn't doing this as an ego boost, because she is genuinely a good person. I know it doesn't sound like it by what I've written. It's so hard for me to imagine her doing something in a cruel manner. I've been in a few relationships before, and all of them were horrible, except this one. She has never treated me badly, until after we broke up.

Thank you so much for your response! She told me that her fiance doesn't care if she flirts, which is strange. Do you think there's a possibility that maybe she is lying to herself about being in love with him? It's one thing to be unfaithful to someone, but it's another thing to be unfaithful to someone you love. I feel like she's not 100% faithful to him because of her sexuality. Do you think that's possible? Or, maybe she's just extremely insecure. I tried telling my mother once. It did not go well AT ALL. So I told her it was just a phase and she believed me. I feel safer if she doesn't know. No one besides my friends and sister knows. I hide it well because I'm feminine, and they tend to associate being boyish with being a lesbian (which is not always true).

This might be long, so brace yourselves, lol. >_< If you don't agree with LGBT discussions, then please turn away now. Thank you. So, I am bisexual. I've known this since I was 14; I'm 25 now. I started dating a woman about my age when I was 22. We were in a long-distance relationship (she lived in CA and I live in AL). Her parents were 100% supportive of her sexuality, but my mother is not, and she doesn't know either (I can't tell her because she is very conservative). Anyway, we dated for almost a year and I fell in love with her. She claimed to love me, too. She ended up moving to Idaho, then to South Dakota, because she couldn't find a job in CA or Idaho. She moved with her sister (who is extremely conservative and had no idea my ex is into women). Well, her sister found out and told her that I would never be allowed to come around her family. This hurt my ex so much, that she moved out of her sister's house and in with a friend. Well, she ended up moving in with another bisexual woman. She felt accepted there and I was happy. Well, the guilt of her being gay started to get to her more, which was triggered by her unaccepting sister. She found a job and started to have a crush on someone else; a man. I was shocked because I thought she was a lesbian. She assured me that the crush was nothing and that she only had it because we were so far apart and that she was lonely. I broke up with her because of the crush, and it made her cry a lot. We ended up getting back together a week later. Well, a few weeks after that, I asked if she still had a crush on this guy. She said yes, and I got upset again. A few days later, she broke up with me because I couldn't trust her anymore. She said she was too hurt because of my lack of trust. Several weeks later, we ended contact with each other and she ended up dating this guy a few months after I stopped speaking to her. They've been together for 2 years now. Well, it's been 2 years since I've spoken to her. She recently contacted me about a month ago telling me that she is sorry for everything that happened. She told me that she is getting married in November. I was fine with it at first, but as we have been talking almost daily now, my feelings for her are coming back quickly. Sometimes I wonder if she feels the same about me. The reason is because, she tells me all the time that she has a hard time having sex with her fiance because of PTSD from a past rape. Every time they try to make love, she gets upset and pushes him away. She even told me that she is only attracted to him emotionally, and that there is little to no sexual attraction for him. She told me that she is 95% homosexual. She has even gone as far as flirting with me and bringing up our past many times. She apologizes all the time and texts me constantly. Most of the time it feels like old times between us. I don't know what to make of this. She told me she feels too guilty to be with women because of her religion (we are both Christians). But, there are some days when she tells me that she loves him and that she wants to marry him. I know my ex VERY well, and I know she will grow bored. She has been flirting with me almost daily now, and she even sends me suggestive photos of women in lingerie. She never looks at men, EVER. She says, "My fiance is the only man I could ever be with." Meaning, she could never be with any other man because she doesn't like men sexually. If I'm not mistaken, don't you have to be sexually attracted to someone to make it work in a relationship? She has also admitted to me that she has been having doubts about getting married. She claims that it's because her fiance works night shift, and that they hardly see each other as much as they want to, but they still see each other every now and then. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you supposed to be at least 90% sure you want to get married if you love the person? Sometimes I wonder if I'm being used by her as a sexual fix, and that she doesn't have emotional feelings for me. Her guilt gets in the way a lot about her sexuality. So my main question is... Does it seem like she has unresolved feelings for me? Or am I being used?

Oh my gosh, for a minute there, I thought I truly offended you, LOL! O_O My heart rate went up a bit, lmao! I was like "OMG I hurt someone's feelings! >_<" I actually was just talking about in general. Since my age isn't displayed on the side of my posts, I assumed people would think I'm middle-aged (since being overweight usually happens after 30). I actually lose weight quickly. Even on a 1500 calorie diet, I lost 10-12 pounds each month. Now I'm only getting in about 500-800 calories each day, and I walk at least 2.5 miles per day. I plan on upping my exercise a bit in a few weeks. I guess, as long as I'm losing inches, that's what matters. And you're right... Some people set goals for themselves only to be let down. I never would have set a goal for myself like this unless I knew from experience. Now THAT is unrealistic, haha. Everyone is different. I know some people who weigh over 400 pounds; some lost 100 pounds in 4-6 months, while other 400-pounders have lost 100 pounds in 1 year. I'm glad I know my body. It really helps me stay focused on a goal.

Congrats!

Thanks! But, I've lost 10 pounds per month before, sometimes even more. I'm still young, not middle-aged. I think 2-3 pounds per weeks is very realistic. I know it won't be like that once I get down to 150.

And I've already lost 30 pounds! I figured that I wouldn't lose this much since I was 255 (since BMIs under 50 don't usually lose this quickly), but WOW! I know that it will slow down a bit, but I'll be happy as long as I can lose 10 pounds per month. I am now the weight that I was 2 years ago! I'm so excited! My surgeon said I should be 180 by December.

That's great! (kinda, lol) It's normal to feel nervous. I didn't feel nervous (which probably makes me not normal, lmao). I was more excited, I guess. If you're worried about something bad happening during surgery, remember that the death rate for bariatric surgery is less than 1% in the first 30 days after the procedure. That means that the death rate is higher for people who get a hip replacement or a gallbladder removal. Crazy, right? I was shocked by how easy this surgery was. I feel completely normal while I'm dropping weight.

I took me maybe a month to no longer feel any pain. My pain was located at the bottom of my stomach; kinda felt like a pinching sensation. If you feel pain that lasts longer than a month or pain that is just unbearable, go get a CT scan to make sure there are no complications.

I've had my surgery almost a month ago and I haven't lost any hair. I don't know if it will happen later on, but so far, everything is fine. I haven't changed much at all except for losing weight and not eating a lot. I know of a woman who used to teach my sister, who got the gastric bypass. She lost some of her hair, but it has grown back. If you do lose hair, I doubt it will do much damage. I believe you will keep most of your dreads.

Oh yeah! People do regret it for about 2-4 days afterward because of the pain and the inability to swallow too much liquid. It's a challenge. I regretted it slightly on the 2nd day. But afterwards, I was so happy I did it. Oh, I'm sorry. I know this is scary, but once it's done, you'll realize it was not that scary. Go into this knowing that this WILL work for you. This surgery has an 89% success rate to keep people from gaining their weight back for the next 10 years. And by the time 10 years comes around, you've already completely changed your lifestyle when it comes to food and exercise. You will do great!

I have no regrets. My advice is to follow your liquid diet exactly as they tell you to. Do not eat or drink quickly after surgery, because it will hurt. What are you nervous about?