Jessiebear

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT. Listen up! Sunday, October 30, 2005 If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crest View couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: __________________

Make sure you have your sound turned on and click the link below. http://www.mrcomputerservices.com/DancingHippo.htm This is freakin hilarious!

What a good lookin' family! Samantha is precious!

It took me about a month to get it.

We don't subscribe to anything cause there is a never ending supply of material at Lonnie's work. LOL!! He works for the city. How sad is that? Exactly, they have nothing better to do!

Awesome NSV!! Congrats!! Well done!

Yay! Congrats!

Thanks for bumping this! I'm gonna try it! I have been feeling guilty about eating so much in the evenings cause I know it is so bad to eat that late. It's worth a try!

I had a choice between a walkman or pedometer for registering with them. Just curious if anyone else got this & if they are still doing it?

Yep! I got a card. I also got a little walkman radio from Inamed for registering with them. I got my registration card in a kit that my doc gave me after surgery. Congrats & welcome to Band Land!

So who else is gonna get new boobs when they get to goal? I am!!! We are already picking mine out!! LOl!!! I'm serious.

LOL!! That is the best!!! The sad thing, I live in Arkansas! This is not that far fetched!!!I have seen worse!

Good one Pat! I'm sending this to all the Moms I know!

The Farmer and His Pet Rooster Friday, August 12, 2005 AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES." "I'M SORRY, SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER." THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS. HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE. "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WHAT?" SAID MARGE. "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT." "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE. "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL" "I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

Differing Views of Marital Sex Saturday, August 13, 2005 SOCIAL SECURITY SEX Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on." LOUD SEX A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" QUIET SEX Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session: "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied: "You're never home!" CONFOUNDED SEX A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the that cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered: "She'd rather remodel the kitchen." WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells: "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife--Cold As Ever.' " "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband--Stiff at Last.' '' WOMEN'S HUMOR My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

Could You Slow Down Just a Little? Monday, August 22, 2005

Face Lift for Her Birthday Thursday, September 08, 2005 A middle aged woman decided to have a facelift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt pretty good about the results. A few weeks later, she stopped at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she said to the clerk: "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman said happily. A little while later she went into McDonald's and asked the counter girl the very same question. The girl replied, "I guess about 29." The woman replied, "Nope, I'm 47." Now, she was feeling really good about herself. She stopped at a drug store on her way down the street. She wemt up to the counter to get some mints and asked the clerk the burning question. The clerk responded, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responded, "I am 47, but, thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slipped both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and began to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said, "Okay, okay, how old am I?" He completed one last squeeze of her breasts, removed his hands, and said, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman said: "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replied, "Promise you won't get mad?" "No, of course not," she said. He replied: "I was behind you in line at McDonald's.

That's a good one!!

Very good idea & your list is very inspiring! I will work on mine too!!

Wow! I can't wait to see the before & after pics too! I'm excited for you! Congrats!!

You're welcome! I stumbled onto this site looking for the boo bees picture. I needed a laugh & thought some others here did too. I would have posted more, but I had to go to bed! Have a good day everyone!

That's hilarious!!!!

Yep, I'm that way since my recent 4th fill. I usually have a protein shake for breakfast & by lunch time I can start eating my hard protein & by supper time, watch out! I could really eat if I wanted to!

Love the Ninja turtles! Crystal, I totally agree with you & have been thinking along the same lines as you. A large part of the turtle tribe seem to have IR or some other metabolic issue going on. I think we all need answers.

The Blond Goes to Her First Football Game Saturday, October 15, 2005 A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"