lisacaron

@@Keeper OK so you have a lot going on...I know how that feels. Your not a failure, you have been managing your life and there is nothing wrong with that. Congrats on being pregnant! Enjoy it! If you are having an issue with the band I say empty it. You don't want to worry about it while your pregnant, BUT you still want to watch what your eating and how much weight you are gaining while pregnant. You don't have to gain weight for your baby to gain weight and be healthy. The baby will take from you what it needs and your body will dip into your fat stores to get what it needs. That said I'm sure there are certain things that your hormones are going to dictate to you. Things your going to want to eat and things that are going to be replant to eat. Usually for us we want to eat the things we know are not the best for us and will not serve us or our baby in anyway.. and it's OK to give into that every once in a while as this is a special time that you have fought hard to experience. Just remember to find moderation in everything you do, that will be what's best for you and your little one. When your all done and your holding your little one in your arms you can then fill up that band to the green zone and work on being the Mom you want to be. It's not going anywhere...it's there for you when you need it, just don't make it an issue for you now during this short time. Focus during this pregnancy on you and your little one and the band will be waiting for you.

@@gowalking Thanks Liz. All good here. I went for the echo today and saw the cardio Dr. he gave me some extra meds to take that are going to make me tired...OK as if I wasn't that already but in the long run it should slow the heart rate and balance out. Here's to hoping it all works out according to plan and I can get back to doing some light exercise like walking. Dad is all settled into his new place, about half a mile from my house so the days of having to drive to Queens at 5 am are over Today I am actually feeling a little better and that's a plus. I'm still tired but not as bad as it's been. Maybe because the sun is shining today and I'm not fighting the weather....I don't know but I'll take it!

@@Debbie3sons Thank you! I have to tell you that after the halter monitor things weren't looking great and the Dr. was worried because my heart rate and blood pressure were so high. Later that night I had a gyno appointment and they took my blood pressure and it was pretty high 165/98 and they were asking me if I was having any chest pain. I wasn't, but by the next morning I was feeling like I had a dog sitting on my chest so I had my hubs take me to the ER. They did a cardiac CAT scan and thank goodness all my arteries were clear and they didn't find any damage to the heart muscle or abnormalities. I am going to follow up with my cardiologist and have a few other tests tomorrow. I will probably need to see an electrophysiologist to find out what's going on with the wiring in the heart that's making it works so hard. I was happy to hear that my arteries were clear. I know my Dad suffered his first cardiac episode when he was 42 which is three years younger than I am now...and I'm sure there is a family history and probably something genetic since I have had this in one form or another most of my life. It's never bothered me until now..but I guess it's something as we get older the heart working that hard is not the best. I am tired nearly all the time, my heart rate is 140 sometimes just sitting in the chair. Makes me feel like I ran a marathon but I didn't. I have some great benefits on my side that my father didn't have. I eat healthy, I get some exercise when I can, and I don't smoke and the CAT scan proved that it is a plus! I'd like to lose more weight...of course we all would but right now I am glad I have lost what I did...and that I changed my eating habits because if I hadn't it could be much worse.

@@VSGAnn2014 I just loved this! "Well, gee ... you sure don't suffer from the "everybody else in my life is #1 but me" syndrome, not to mention that "I can do it better than anyone else, so everybody else get the hell back!" syndrome.". You are so right those are exactly my issues. I have to let others do their thing and stop trying to "fix" everything for everyone but myself. I have been having some issues with my heart as of late, and the good news about that is after a scare and being rushed into the emergency room by my Dr.'s my heart itself is well. My arteries are clear, no blockages, no gross physical abnormalities in the heart muscle itself and the pressure and heart rate did not do any damage to the heart muscle. Those are some really good findings as miserable as they were to find out I am grateful for them. I was thinking out loud to a co-worker this morning that yes even though my Dad has major cardiac issues and experienced his first full blown heart attack at 42 three years younger than I am today, I have few things in my favor. The big ones being that I eat healthy, I get some exercise in and I don't smoke. Those things were reflected in the cardiac CAT scan. So now I just need to keep doing those things, and investigate what's up with the wiring in my heart that's causing it to work so hard and make me so darn tired....and while the Dr's work on that...I am working on me and keeping it stress free and trying to keep it as healthy as I can make it!

@@JustWatchMe your right life does not cooperate. Even though I do all I can to stay away from stress it finds me. Today, I took some time to let the heart monitor wind down so I could remove it and take a nice hot shower and try to get those sticky rings from the probe pads off my skin. (yeah good luck...it's still sticky even after olive oil, alcohol and a scrub brush in the shower) As I was just about ready to leave and head into the office and drop the monitor off at the Dr. that is closer to work than home, I get a message from sister in law asking me what I did with my old mattress when I got a new one 4 years ago?! Did she think I put it in the attic to save it for some reason?! It was long gone when they came to deliver my new one. So I gather my father is complaining about them buying furnature for the apartment we are securing for him. OK I get it...but I said to my self this is not for me to worry about. Move on and do you...take care of yourself and get to work and take care of things you need to take care of. Yeah well of course I can't just leave it at that, I had to reach out to some people and ask them if they still had stuff in storage they might want to sell. Of course the last time I had heard about them having stuff in storage was December and life moves on...and they no longer have that stuff in storage but gave it away. Well low and behold, a few texts to a few people later and most of the people that took the items were not using them and only storing them so they were happy to give them to me for my father's apartment. In about half an hour I had the whole living room and bedroom ready to go. Really I don't know how the kids text so much my thumbs hurt. Now my brother needs to go and get the stuff....will that be an additional source of stress...? Oh boy I hope not!!! I can't do it for them, I could ask my boys to help but they work and only around on Sat. of course my brother has 2 parties to go to on Sat. REALLY? Grrrrr well I did my part....can I be off the hook? Cause physically right now I can't do more than drive the truck and broker the time and place for pick up. I really need a nap!

Thanks everyone!!! It's electrifying!! That song is stuck in my head now Not a bad thing...well maybe for my co-workers who have to keep listening to me shout it out hehe. The monitor is finally gone...though I still have a bit more testing to go through I am hoping it involves a simple medication change, cause the alternatives are to shock the heart to get it back in rhythm and if that doesn't work a pace maker..all of which stink and that's if that is the only issue they find after all the tests are done. Right now I am just too pooped to do anything. My heart is racing all the time at over 100 bmp even while at rest so I feel like I have run a marathon leaving me tired all day long no matter how many hours of sleep I get...it's just not enough

Goodness I am so out of the loop! I get the messages via e-mail and I don't always get to the computer or the app to respond or see the pictures!!! Deb you look great and congrats on the college grad!!! You know we Mom's work just as hard (if not harder, by now I should have a paramedic license, sono tech, EMT, and Fire Chief certifications as well!) I had to pull your quote because my Gram used to have a saying when we would get dressed up. "powder and paint makes you what you ain't" (yes she was a gal from the 1920's kind of rings out in that saying) I think of it often as I cover up my troubles with my powder, paints and crayons every morning to "face" the day. Love ya'll!!! Having some minor heart issues flaring up...keep me in your thoughts so I don't tear off this harness thing they got on me again today!!! I'm afraid I may blow up the machine when they do the stress test next week....right now resting heart rate is tachycardia at 127 BPM. Either I'll start turning green, or zapping people with lightening soon....

Well it's been that kind of week....the weekend was no picnic. My plans for rest and relaxation went right out the window. Lets see if I can give you the highlights. Kids...20 year old kids. As if that is not enough....let me add in trip to Vermont in a bilzzard at midnight in friends 1998 Honda....it didn't happen..because well there were... broken jaws, a hit in the head with a baseball bat...30 inches of snow....dogs that have to pee and can't get out of the house because of the snow...and going drifting in cars seriously WTF?! I am ready to hit these kids in the head with a few baseball bats myself just to knock some sense into them!!! Who came up with this? If I can't go to Vermont and snowboard (you know because 30" of snow on Long Island isn't enough to snow board on) I'll take my car out and go drifting in parking lots....did you hear me screaming??? You probably can still hear it in parts of Canada today. Is it any wonder that after seeing my Dr. today I am wearing a halter monitor for my heart? I'm thinking Nah...what's to wonder about?! A heart attack seems par for the course here. I'm right SMACK in the middle between the aging raging parents and the 20 something kids that know it all but don't know enough to get out of the way of a swinging bat!!!! I'm ready for the heart attack just so I can have my own room some drugs and monitors that will keep all the "stress" away from me. Really I am so dam tired....I can't even think...just breathe and let it go....better yet put those ear phones in and blast Let it Go so you can't hear the phone ringing!!! Dam text messaging cause I can still see that!!! OK eye mask please...

It's mighty strange today as everyone is prepping for this storm. Talk about being a perfectionist. Everyone is running out to make sure they have enough to feed an army of soldiers through the winter. For my part, I have been trying to remain relaxed about the whole thing. Even though the media and those around me keep trying to jerk my chain and set me off into full on adrenaline overload to start stock piling my shelves with food I will never eat spending money on things I don't need because I already have shovels and ice melt. My car has gas and I am good to hunker down for a few days. My hubby just called into work so I won't see him pretty much the whole weekend and I have so many things that I actually need to be home for, and I am finally in a fairly healthy frame to tackle. Things that are just not sexy or fun to do when your home with your love ya know...like scrub the bathtub, sew hole I tore in the comforter and re-arrange your closet and sock drawer. Not to mention have just downloaded some great books to read, (for fun! not learning for a change) and I bought myself one of those awesome adult coloring books and a jigsaw puzzle. I don't even need the internet or TV to keep me entertained! Don't tell the kids that...they would die! Lets hope power is not an issue this weekend! I'm looking forward to a nice weekend at home, doing those things relaxing in that nicely scrubbed tub (trust me I have a family of MEN it needs a SCRUBBING) reading, cooking some nice home made dishes. ( I never have time to cook unless it's a holiday or I get snowed in!) I might even bake one of those Protein muffin in a cup things...I read about on another thread. So in my mind I have the weekend perfectly planned....ha and watch we will only get rain!! (here's hoping!!)

OK your right it was pretty funny and yet kind of sad and made me a bit angry as well! I met my husband way back when yahoo had a personals section, and it had a free trial period. We met in that time frame, even though I wasn't looking for a relationship having just thrown my husband of 20 years out of the house for cheating on me. What I was looking for was to pop that bubble of doubt in my mind that no one would want me, that I would be alone...blah blah you get it. I met more than a few nice guys. We went out, I had fun and I more than got over my self esteem issues. I felt like me again, and I'd missed me! Then I met my husband...and we clicked. So when it came time that the "trial" was up I shut down my profile. I didn't know that I would get married to this guy, but I was done with the "dating" scene for a while. (Long story, health issue, cancer scare) So what upsets me about your post is all these scammers, these WAY out of the country people trying to scam you to "save" their sorry a*s. What really makes me mad as hell is that you PAY these providers, and they should be weeding through these bogus e-mails! Your paying for a service to connect with others who share your common interest, and would like to get to know you and vs versa. Just as I was shutting down my profile I started getting those bogus messages and I thought to myself "I'm glad I'm not paying for this or I would be really upset." Now I am upset for you and others who pay providers to help you find a "match" and you have to weed through the dangerous scams like that. I am also upset to watch their stupid commercials 100 times a day knowing that they are not screening out the tacos!!! Maybe your in the mood for a burrito!!

It sounds to me like you are a very close to being tight. For me it usually takes about 2-3 weeks for a fill to settle in around my band and for me to begin to feel the changes. If you are able to deal with it and your not feeling sick or uncomfortable and you are losing weight again...I might wait it out. If however you are having any issues, swallowing or re- flux of any kind I would give the doctor a call and have just a tiny bit removed so that your comfortable. When I get sick I usually need to have some Fluid out of the band because of the extra grossness that comes with a cold...and if it's more than a cold the antibiotics always cause my stomach to become irritated despite the protonix and Probiotics I take, and as soon as swallowing becomes an issue for me I just go in and have a bit removed until I'm better and off the antibiotics. I give the stomach a week or so to heal, and then have the fluid put back in. See how your feeling and if your uncomfortable give the doctor a call they can take out as much as .1cc and that would make all the difference.

I have been banded coming up on 3 years. I too used to be a big belly sleeper when I was able to sleep on my belly, and for a long time since having my boys and getting so big I couldn't sleep on my tummy. I have to say that now I am once again able to sleep on my belly!! Though my back and neck doesn't like that much every now and then I find myself snuggled up on my tummy sleeping like a baby

@@Janie Altman Bennett how long have you been banded? Sometimes if your band is too tight you will have trouble swallowing even your own saliva and that can cause a nasty back up we call slime. I have had this happen to me before when I get sick and my band is too tight. I will take some Fluid out until I am better so that eating and drinking is not such a struggle, and I find that if I don't and I battle through it I don't recover and heal as quickly. I can't advise since I don't know if you are a new surgery patient or have had your band for a while. Either way I would call your Dr. and see what their advice is taking out a tiny bit of fluid may be all you need.

Hiccups after surgery are probably due to some of the gas that you were filled up with for the surgery. The diaphram is in close proximity to where our stomach and band is placed and your probably more than a little swollen right now so take it slow. Also if you are on a liquid diet swallowing extra air as you drink could cause some hiccups. Sip slowly. What helped me was using a small medicine cup so I wasn't taking any big gulps of Fluid at one time. After a while it will subside and you will progress back to a normal size cup but know exactly how much you can take in at once to avoid the hiccups or air bubbles. Once you are banded for a bit, hiccups can be a sign that you have reached your fullness level. I get one very loud and annoying hiccup that often sounds like a sneeze and that's my cue for I have had enough. There are several soft stop signals and they vary per person. My hubby gets a runny nose when he has had enough. You will develop yours as you go along, and it could very well be hiccups

Your right you don't know how much you use those stomach muscles until they hurt! Trust me I have had more than one abdominal surgery I know the feeling!! The soreness can last for a few weeks, though the first few days are the worst of it. Ice pack on the port will help you out with the pain and it will help to reduce any inflammation of the muscle as it heals. My port is on my left side and since I am short and short waist it is in the worst possible spot. It hits my desk at work, and my seat belt in the car, after a while you will forget it's there but it takes a bit. Be gentle with yourself and go slow, your healing from a major surgery give yourself lots of TLC.

OK who is ready...and who is getting some of that dreaded 4 letter word? SNOW?? If I hear one more thing about this impending storm I think I'm going to erupt like a volcano and they won't need to worry about snow!!! Every news channel, every single person I run into the first thing we hear is all about this snow storm. The media is hyping it up to where I wasn't thinking or caring about it and now i"m wondering do I need to shop and eat like a bear because I am going to be stuck in my house for the winter?! NO I live in NY!!! We are used to snow here, it will come down we will move it to the side and we will get on with life. I will be expected to work, as will most people. Now my cousin who lives in VA...they had a 1/4 of an inch yesterday and there was a 3 hour delay in the commute!! Washington DC was a total mess and today...because of this "impending" storm they closed the schools....snow day with no snow? I know I'm living in the wrong state, but I would also be the one stuck on the hwy for 3 hours over that dusting of snow too because to me I wouldn't think anything of it...while everyone else starts freaking out around me. So do you have your milk and bread? Or rather Protein shakes and bars east coast friends? Always made me wonder why everyone runs out for milk and bread anyway...what ya gonna do with it??

@@blm1* if you have a recliner chair you might be more comfortable there. If not what you want to do when you lie down in bed at night is try to not sleep on the side where your port is located. That will be the most sore point you have on your body and since it's usually sewn into the abdominal muscle it will remain sore for a bit as it heals. We use our abdominal muscles when we sit up, so try rolling onto your side and lowering your feet to the floor before sitting up and come up to a sitting position from your good side using your oblique muscles, (side abdominal) rather than your front stomach muscle that is healing right now. Ice is your friend, if you have an ice pack put that on the muscles near the port. Give your port area and stomach muscles some support when you move them by just holding your hand on them as you move. That always helped me. Good luck and congrats on your surgery!!!

@@grammy4 this is a great place for support! I too have had my band loosened over the last couple of months. I have been sick since surgery in Nov. and the tighter band just wouldn't allow for the antibiotics and extra grossness that comes with respiratory infections. So I had Fluid removed. I feel so much better with it out and I notice that I am able to eat more and I am more hungry than I was before. I'm not really snacking, though there are times at work like later in the day I want to. My days start early and go long, so I try to make a Protein shake if I know I am not going to be home for dinner before 7. It's too long to go from 1:00 to 7-8:00 with no food. If I plan right I bring a snack with me for those times and I try to steer clear of the Snacks around the office. If I don't have something I will try to get a healthy snack at lunch and save it for later in the day. It's a bit of a struggle, no doubt about it.

So I read that fear of shame hides behind perfectionism. Now those who know me...know that's not the case. I'm not afraid of being ashamed to fail or be less than perfect. I don't have a fear of trying new things or taking chances, even some that others might shy away from. I don't hate myself or my body, though I'm sure I like most people can find flaws but I would think only air brushed 2 dimensional pictures would not be able to find flaws in their faces or bodies. The live actress and/or models that are portrayed in those pictures I'm sure would say that yes they have flaws (probably the reason for the airbrushing to begin with.) Earlier this morning I had a conversation with a co-worker about her daughter. Her daughter is 28 and has blue hair that was supposed to be more lavender than smurf color blue. This mornings conversation started with me asking my co-worker how her daughters hair was shaping up as it toned down, did she get that lavender shade or was she still smurf blue? We got to talking about how daring and free spirited her daughter is and how unlike her that is. She is so boring and average she said, as she is telling me how her daughter packed a Knapp sack and flew off to Tanzania and Peru....she told me she would never even think to do those things alone she would be too scared and she didn't know where her daughter got it from!! We talked about how her Dad was controlling when she was growing up, and a light bulb went off in my head. Yes of course she would not do the things her daughter had no qualms about doing. She was raised with her Dad projecting his fears to her, so she was afraid to take chances. She in turn raised her daughter without those fears, showing her all the world had to offer even if she herself was not able to reach out and take advantage of it. The same is true for me when it comes to dealing with this need to be perfect and the conflicting feelings I have about it. My parents raised me to be an independent strong woman, and conversely judged and criticized me for being exactly that. When I was growing up, the things I did were usually never good enough for them. If I was a 98 average student, they would press and say that if you try harder you would be 100. You could be #1 at this or that. When I was 11 I won third place in the United States Dance Tournament. I was happy there were lots of dancers there, but of course it was ONLY third place. That has stuck in my mind pretty much my whole life. Is it any wonder I beat myself up all the time? Nope it's not. These are some pretty old wounds, and they don't seem to heal very well. There are times when I can hear my mother's voice in my head...and it can still bring me to tears. I know better, I know who I am and what I want out of life yet when certain things happen I can get right back to that not good enough feeling and get down on myself pretty darn hard. I tend to overcompensate for what I perceive as lack...and I can drive myself and others into the ground. So I am still struggling with this all these years later. Not out of fear, or even shame of failing because the only shame I feel is my own memories of the past. My mother is long since deceased so she can't say a word...and yet that voice is ever in the back of my mind.... Today's epiphany has helped to untangle me a bit, as I realize that these are not my fears, or my shame of not being perfect but the fears of my parents projected on me. I grew up with these thoughts being ingrained like grooves on a record that if left alone will keep playing that same old tune. Well DJ it's time to scratch that record up and spin a new tune...it might take a while for me to find the beat...but I'm up for the challenge!

I back up all my contacts to Google+ and I haven't lost any contacts yet. Even across android/apple platforms.

Ok question is it baking powder or baking soda? There is a difference I'm sure....just not what it is ????

I agree with @@briefs199 every surgery is going to be work. They all work differently and you have to put a different amount of work into them but they all require you to show up and be accountable for you. Since you already have the band, and if you not having trouble with it why not speak to your Dr. and see what they advise? I know many are switching, taking out the bands and getting sleeved or going for the by pass. I have to tell you that when my surgeon "retired" and we (hubby and I) were kind of left to find our way with the new group that took over or another one...and life happened along the way....I was not losing, I was eating I found my old habits easy to retreat to...I saw I was not losing and I won't lie, I thought about changing up my surgery. The new Dr. even advised that I would be a candidate for a revision, but I had to think seriously long and hard about it. My realization was this: I don't have a problem with my band. My port is working fine, I get filled and unfilled, I eat and don't get stuck or sick when I follow the rules of eating (which is true for all surgeries) so why would I change to another surgery? If I can't make what I have work for me why go through it again and find myself still asking these questions? I know that what I need to do is make behavioral changes, both physically and emotionally. For me I am an emotional eater. Happy, sad, feed it sweets!!! That is what needs to change. I need to remember that all my body needs is a balanced Breakfast lunch and dinner. It doesn't need anything more, and I don't need to use food to sooth my savage beast when she's ready to roar or soothe my boo boo's with chocolate and ice cream. So I am not revising my surgery, I am still down having gained only 4 pounds since my last weigh in when I had an unfill due to virus and I am determined to make the changes I need to make because I know no matter what....if I don't change them I am going to be right here struggling with it.

@@Inner Surfer Girl Thank you I am going to have to look that book up and give it a read! @@gowalking Thank you my friend! I am working on getting a grip really I am. It's one thing after another but you know that's life. At least so far (I am knocking on wood) things are working. Dad is out of the hospital and staying with my brother for the moment and we are trying to get him an apartment in a 55 and over community closer out on the East end by us, and so far he is working with us and not against it. On a good note I did get the scale reprogrammed today, and I have gained about 3 pounds since the last time I weighed which is not a huge amount but still....I would like to refocus on becoming healthier and remembering why I had this surgery to begin with. My family has so many issues, things I didn't know about before that are so clear now. Not only the issues with digestion that I knew about already but issues with metabolism and the way the body processes and eliminates toxins. So far 3 out of 4 of my fathers siblings including himself have had issues with renal failure, kidney cancer, leukemia and lymphoma. it's a bit of a wake up call for me that I need to really take this seriously and take care of myself, eat right and exercise. Sweets are my downfall, but I have to be stronger than them so I can live a long life and not end up where my Dad is at 73 or my Aunt who passed at 61 or my Uncle who has bladder cancer at 56. Couple that with my Mom's DNA...she passed at 51 from a brain tumor. I'd say the odds are not in my favor.

@ if you are looking into going to Mexico for surgery you might want to try to contact some others on the site that have used surgeons there. Adding to that I also think that if we look hard enough for the negative we are going to find it. You have to decide what is a deal breaker for you. Is it someone saying something negative about a surgeon or surgery because they didn't lose the weight they wanted to? Also where is it coming from? How do you know it's the surgeon or the surgery choice and not the patient use of the tool? In that vein let me also say, that the best place to start your research is right at home. Contact bariatric doctors in your area of Canada and find out if they will treat you for follow up if you have surgery someplace else. You don't have to say you are thinking about surgery in Mexico you just want to know if they treat patients they didn't operate on. If you find an office you like in your area that will see you for follow ups, then you are one step closer to the next step of finding a Dr. When your researching a surgeon ask many questions of the surgeon, call their office and speak with the staff see if you can have a phone consultation and get to speak with the Dr. find out what type of surgical post-op they offer, and get a feeling for the Dr. then do some research and try to speak with patients of theirs to get a real perspective. We can read so much mis-information on the internet, when it comes to things as serious as surgery I like to hear it straight from the person. That goes for my own doctors as well. Recently I had to have carpal tunnel surgery and I did all this research and asked my husbands hip surgeon for a recommendation and then I went to meet the surgeon and her assistant and staff etc. I saw 2 practices before I found the Dr. to do the surgery. There were some negative comments on the internet but everyone I spoke to including her patients and the hospital staff some of which were her patients as well LOVED her and trusted her and said she was the best. You know what, I felt comfortable after that and today my hand feels 100% better and my scar is non existent! Best of luck to you and welcome to the site!!! forgot to add in the link for you though it says sleeve I am sure there are other surgery modalities there as well. http://www.bariatricpal.com/forum/486-mexico-self-pay-gastric-sleeve-surgery/

How many times have I said OK I need to start over? How many times have I told myself just one more time…and then I’ll start again? How many times have I committed to recommitting? How many times have I told myself that I will write down every single thing that goes in my mouth? How many times have I told myself I WILL go to the gym today? How many times have I found myself feeling guilty because of my perceived failure? I go through these things and more too many times to count. My weight, my surgery, the scale, the gym, FOOD they are always on my mind. When I wake up in the morning I think I need to get a weight today so I know where I am….that’s what’s going to tell me and help me get on track! So I go about my morning routine and the scale shines from the corner waiting for my feet to step up and weigh in but I have just one more thing to do…and I walk past the scale and escape into the next room. I have defeated the siren call of the scale yet again! Sometimes, I drink coffee and think well now that’s not a “true” weight I just drank fluids! (Really?!) I have to go to the bathroom so weighing in will be better after that elimination of extra weight. (Really?!) Oops I just got dressed for the day including my socks and shoes and I can’t get on the scale now…that’s just too much extra weight and you know…you have to weigh with the least amount of clothing…and my scale needs bare feet and it’s cold and on and on and on….. I sit at work and my smart watch tells me it’s time to stand…it might as well read “the beatings shall commence”. It starts with the guilt trip, why didn’t you get that weigh in this morning?! It’s been weeks…and you don’t know where you are, and you need to know that. (Really?) Why are you sitting so much..you should be getting up and being more active! You should bring your gym bag in and get your butt down to the gym! (The side commentary often replies with the standard “it’s January and all the resolutioners are in the gym, working out so they can pretend they are keeping their New Year resolution to get healthy. They are clogging things up and you can’t get in there with all that going on!” Really?!) and the beating continues as I guilt myself throughout the day. I make the “healthy” food choices and for the most part when I am eating “food” I try to make sure I make the healthier choice steering clear of the fatty fried foods, eating my protein and drinking my water. So what’s my problem? My problem is that I am perfectionist. It’s all or nothing for me, and either way I have to do it to perfection! If I have a bad day…well it has to be the badest of bad days. Complete with not only with lack of exercise, but forgetting to take my vitamins, and consuming lots of all kinds of sugary desserts. If you’re going to be bad might as well eat the ice cream and chocolate and forget the chicken breast right?! If I am having good day well you know its perfect right? I wake up and the birds are chirping and the sun is shining and all is right in my world. My feet hit the floor and I can’t wait to step on the scale to see how wonderful I am and what a success I am! (Usually this is where the fantasy begins and ends) On these days it’s the middle of the road for me. Reality has woken me up and given me that cosmic 2x4 womp upside my head and for a minute the obsessing stops. It’s not about what I did or didn’t do. It’s not about what I ate, but more about what I will do and what I will eat. I don’t need to beat myself into submission to be perfect, I just need to live for this. Right here right now this very moment. I need to stop. Just stop, and be present. Right here right now. Nothing more and nothing less. Yes some of those moments are going to be “bad” ones and some are going to be “good” ones. All that really matters is the reality of all of these moments. I don’t have to dwell on the past or the future I just have to live in the now. It’s really all I am capable of these days. I don’t know what it is in me that strives for this “perfection” it is now and has been a flaw of mine. While it is true that in many ways it helps me strive to learn and grow and better myself, and it is also true that in many ways it holds me back and limits me, and it will even sabotage my success, when I let it (or use it as an excuse!). I will look at my weight loss to date and I say I have ONLY lost….as though it is a negative. When I should be focusing on the fact that I have LOST that weight and it has not returned. So today as I write this confession, and my smart watch is beeping at me to stand up and move around and I am taking that time to do just that and to look at it in a positive way. Not saying telling myself I am a failure for not getting to the gym today, but saying hooray you are moving more than you did before! I am not going to beat myself up for sleeping later this morning, I am going to allow myself the extra Zzz because my body and my soul needed it. I am not going to beat myself up for not stepping on the scale this morning, instead I am going to commit to resetting the darn thing tonight and setting it up to move forward. I am setting a reminder on my phone to prompt me to weigh in and take measurements and I am scheduling time for ME. Yes I am putting an actual appointment on the calendar to do things that I need to do for me. Including making lunch, getting to the gym, and having dinner out with friends. It’s important, and if I feel the perfection monster trying to sabotage me I’m going to come back here and refocus on the moment and get back to reality of being perfectly imperfect one moment at a time.