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About this blog

My struggle with overcoming a lifetime of bad habits food addiction

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Day 7 Post Op- Trapped Wind Anyone??

I'm doing well but I know I need to start exercising every day as I'm beginning to feel fine at this stage. What I have realised is that my discomfort is mainly due to trapped wind. It wont go anywhere- I feel bloated with air.. It's the strangest thing because I have never had this problem before. Gas is very slow to pass either end (I'm sorry to have to talk about this it I just have to know if its something others may have advice on ) and every time I have juice, soup, smoothie, yogurt, even water I feel as if it's all building up again. I did 20 mins of the treadmill earlier and this helped move some but it keeps building up... Am I eating too fast? Please help....
Cazz

Cazz

3
 

Post Op Day 2

After a very uncomfortable night's sleep last night and a stiff morning, I'm feeling much better now. My referred pain in my shoulder is being managed by heat wraps and my tummy incision wounds aren't that bad right now. I am taking soluble panadol in water and it's so strange having to sip on that. I used to chug water into me like I was on a mission and now I'm having to slow it down so much. I'm so hopeful and yet a little apprehensive too that I'll be noticed... I know people will start to see the weight loss and wonder what I'm doing but you know what actually now that I've typed that, I don't care... I'm so excited!! My wonderful friend just dropped by with some panadol for me and she's as excited as me, complimenting my flat tummy (flat in comparison to 2 weeks ago- its still huge! But you gotta love her enthusiasm)   I'm having a bed day, I'm up and about in between but instead if sitting at the table or on the couch I'm propped up in bed. I can't go outside the weather is miserable (an Irish reality) and my place of work is too close to home to be seen until I get back to work next week. I've been told not to push it til after the weekend anyway which makes sense to me, keyhole or not, it's still surgery, a truma to the body that needs to be acknowledged and looked after.   I keep looking forward to the end of the summer and wondering what I'll look like, how I'll feel.... Will I still have the same crush I have right now? Will I be able to act it out with increased confidence and self belief? I find it funny that I'll be the same me but that people will get to see me at last... Food for thought....   I took 15 minutes to eat my ready brek this morning and it was freezing half way. I slowly drank a glass of juice and I mean very slowly compared to before and I still think I'm not being slow enough. Instead of shovelling it all in, I'm being forced to reassess my habits and take my time... Which is so not my usual style, I'm like a whirlwind in so many ways, especially in relation to my eating. I think this is gong to be enlightening in more ways than one. Maybe I'll slow everything down and become a calmer eater and person in general.   It's funny to listen to water slowly gurgling down or to feel a very slight back up when taking a drink... My band is going to kick in where will power won't, i will be forced to break my bad habits by being physically unable to shovel in bad food. This is FANTASTIC!!!! I am seriously going to try to focus on the positive. It doesn't matter what everyone around me does, this is time for me to focus on me. I still can't believe it's done, I can't believe I have a band inside me. I'm finally going to do it! I'm going to lose this weight that has shackled me for nearly my whole life. I'm so thankful. I wish everyone on the same journey the BEST of luck. We CAN do this!  
Cazz

Cazz

2
 

Is It Normal To Feel So Isolated?

Im on day 7 pre op liquid. Im getting on better than before. I can honestly say the biggest hindrance is my environment. Everyone around me who knows about my upcoming op is acting off with me. Its like they're all treading on eggshells while trying to offer minimal support (Since Thursday, my mother father brother and his girlfriend have ordered 5 take aways, brought in 6 giant bags of chocolate, crisps, popcorn, other fizzy drinks to name a few of the supports they're putting in place) today my father cooked a family meal and invited my other brother and his wife up. I asked him to start serving before they arrived so I could say I had eaten because he knows I decided to keep my decision to get the op private and he completely dismissed me in front of the others in the room categorically stating that he wasnt changing dinner plans. He had said he'd eat with me after everyone but just didn't call me down and he ate with everyone else. I stayed in my room an hour and a half just feeling so low and let down. It's like my mere presence was an annoyance to his family dinner plan.   I have also overheard them talking about me and criticising my efforts, saying how I haven't exercised and it's in a week. It's on my mind to really get into exercising and I had planned a gym visit tomorrow after work. I feel like they're having such a negative impact on my mental state in the run up to the op. I actually can't wait for them to go back abroad on Fri before my op on Monday. And then ill be all alone which one would think woud be a worse alternative but it cant come quick enough.   I feel so so low. I am at rock bottom. I cant stop crying once i think of how isolted and alone i feel. My brother hugged me earlier and i just wanted to sink into his shoulder and weep. But i cant tell him or anyone how im feeling or why im so down. I know it cannot have escaped their notice how bad I've been feeling but no one will reach out to me and I feel insulted at how 2dimensional they think I am- they think oh she must be in a mood because she can't eat when it's not that at all- I'm ok without the food, of course it's tough but I just feel so misunderstood and isolated. I am apprehensive about this whole process, it's something I'm trying to get to grips with mentally. I want to succeed. I wan to change but i terrified about doing it alone- of having no real support. ,I hate how I'm viewed and how little respect I receive from my family. I have no credibikity with them. They just think I'm an ogre. A grumpy fat ogre strung out for food. Lip service and generic statements are easy to give but the reality of the support is Non existent. I am alone but worst of all I've never felt so alone. I don't know who this depressed person is. Is it normal to feel this emotional?   Any advice on how I can go forward would be greatly appreciated.  
Cazz

Cazz

4
 

Band Pre Op Liquid Day 4

Hi, I have decided to make an effort to blog some of my journey to keep me grounded. I have a track record of giving up and I feel so determined today to change. I'm having my gastric band operation on Monday 23rd April. I feel so emotional about everything. I'm a bit of a wreck to be honest. I have allowed my weight to hold me back for so long it's like I'm mourning my lost years. I'm 28 and I have already waited too long to get the band. It's like I kept telling myself that I could do it alone, I'd daydream and imagine but the reality never came true. I loathe my body. I loathe myself to be honest. To the outside world I hide it to a certain extent but what I have noticed over the past year or more is that my weight is actually drowning my personality and has made me quite bitter. I have become quite negative and it pains me to admit that I am this person. i wule love to be happy go lucky and easygoing without over analysing every social situation and feeling paranoid and aware of myself ALL the time. Even with my closest friends and family, when I'm just sitting there, I'm at myself, fixing myself, tugging myself, looking at my stomach, wondering are they looking at it, worrying bout my huge double chin. Conscious of how I'm perceived. I worry that I wil never change and that I'm destined to live a miserable life. I do also realise I sound very dramatic and I know that I have the capability to change.   Chatting with a friend las night I articulated my feelings quite well out of nowhere, I know what I need to change, I can take a step back and look from the outside in as if I was advising a best friend or loved one. I know what needs to be done but actually being in my shoes and having to follow through on a daily basis makes this mammoth task seem impossible. I have serious self doubt. I don't know if I actually possess the will power to follow through with this challenge. I'm good at talking the talk but I need support to help me on my way.   Looking at other people's blogs and video diaries helps- but I can't seem to visualise myself at the other end. I am on day 4 of a liquid diet, not shakes etc, mainly soups, low fat custard, yogurts, sugar free jelly, lots of fluid, and mushy cereal for breakfast. While I have known for some time this 2 week liquid diet would come I am disgusted with myself for having cheated very badly on day 2- there were lots of Easter eggs around the house and I got hold of one. That's the worst part is that everyone around me is still eating very badly. There is huge temptation in the house. My parents are here for another week or so and then I will resume autonomy of what food comes into the house. I had cleared the place out but working abroad and being on leave home means the others are in holiday mode- this very holiday mode is the reason such bad habits exist in my family unit. I am realising more and more that I will need to find my own way in the middle of all this because their habits are not going to change. Take always, convenience food, coca cola, junk, crisps, bread, with the occasional nice healthy meal or fruit smoothie binges- that's been my life and It's so hard to break a lifetime of bad habits.   I hope that at least some of what I say resonates with some of you. I would really appreciate some encouragement and feedback. I do feel like my biggest challenge will be addressing my psychological dependence on food. Hope I haven't gone on too much. Thanks for reading    
Cazz

Cazz

2
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