So I'm totally going backward on my journey to health and I need some help/encouragement/motivation.

I was banded in March of 2008 and at that time I weighed 296. By the end of June 2008 I was down to about 230-235. I got stuck at that weight until June of 2009 when my surgeon's dietitian put me on the Optifast mostly-liquid diet to help me get down to my goal weight of 210ish.

I did good on the Optifast plan for about two months and then I started cheating. I found foods that slide right through the band and I'm still cheating on a very regular basis! I got off the Optifast plan in December 2009 and I've been back to normal post-surgery eating since then. The problem is I can't stop cheating.

I'm cheating big time. Today I had my normal 4 ounce servings of chili at 8, 11, and 2 and then at 5 I had 4 (yes, 4) pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I'm eating Cookies and milk, cake and milk, etc all the time and I can't seem to make myself stop.

I have a girlfriend for the first time in 10+ years now so I'm very happy. It almost feels like I'm trying to sabotage my happiness...

How can I get back into the mindset I was in at the beginning? How can I stop myself from cheating? Why am I doing this to myself?

It's time to remember what brought us to weight loss surgery. We all decided that the persuit of becoming thinner and healthier was worth putting our lives at risk. I know this procedure is becoming more common, but it is still surgery! I still remember my wife crying as they wheeled me off to surgery. Remember the big decision and commitment you made for yourself, and draw your strength from that.As for motivation, my best motivation is a picture of myself prior to surgery. I also have subscriptions to a couple of health magazines, so images of fit people are all around me, but the best help is this site. I have not posted in quite a while, but i browse often. Jack and others on this site are great inspiration and a resource i use alot. Good luck on regaining your focus, and remember how far you have come.

I can't believe a nutritionist put you on a liquid diet! If that frickin worked we wouldn't go through surgery to put in a band! I think your body got hungry for real food and you started binging. I would start a high Protein, low carb diet and purge the sugar from my system. I would go ahead and clean the pantry of all crap food and have quality food that is available and convenient. If you are full of protein when you have your dinner, ice cream really won't fit.

By the way, do you think you might be "testing" your new girlfriend to see if she would still like you when your overweight? I bet she would. :thumbup:

Good luck.

I have a girlfriend for the first time in 10+ years now so I'm very happy. It almost feels like I'm trying to sabotage my happiness...

I just wanted to chime in here because this does sound a bit like self-sabotage. This is only conjecture, because I don't know you, but I do know that this is something I have experienced and it is something that I have to take very seriously as I (hopefully) begin to lose weight. Fat works for some of us as a defense mechanism - it can really be a (literal) layer of protection for some of us, keeping us from having to deal with intimacy which would include the possibility of opening oneself up to failure/rejection. Or keeping us from feeling good about ourselves when we really want to confirm our own unworthiness because that's somehow more comfortable to us than the possibility that we're not so bad at all! Just like it's easier to isolate and eat to drown one's emotions in food rather than deal with the underlying issues....

It sounds kind of contradictory, I guess - especially for those whose experience is different. But to me your experience seems to be that you may be reacting to what is a wonderful situation but nonetheless a tricky emotional situation (first girlfriend in a decade). It could be that you're feeling exposed, there's something on the line (i.e., your feelings). Maybe you don't feel you deserve to be liked. As I said, I don't know you, and I'm not a professional therapist.

But I would recommend seeing one if you aren't already, because this is less about the activity of eating too much than the underlying emotions that are causing you to binge. It's a great sign that you posted and shared your story - none of us can do this without support. And you owe it to yourself to seek out even more support for the emotional side of this journey. Best of luck, and keep the faith!