jweathers

I am using this as a sort of blog a diary of my journey. Newest entries will be on top, older obvioulsy will be at the bottom.
 
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12/1/14 8 Days before surgery
 
Hmmm it has been quite a while since I have had enough news to update this.  So now that I have accumulated quite a bit I figured I need to do this before I have my surgery.  Last post I had scheduled my psych eval, I would love to say that it went well but it didnt... if it is possible to fail a psych eval I did it with FLYING COLORS.  Come to find out I was battling intense depression and anxiety attacks.  I was placed in theropy every week and was put on antidepressants.  I was very resistant in the beginning and only went along with it so I was able to move forward in my process to get my surgery.  After a month of medication and theropy I reluctantly admitted that I have problems and I have quite a bit I need to work on.  Things are so much better now, in the beginning the meds made me spacey and numb to everything. I didnt like that. after 2 months on the meds I am feeling so much better.  Little things no longer bother me, or send me into an anxiety attack.  I have gone back and had a follow up for my psych eval.  He felt that I had made enough progress that he would sign of on my case and forward it to Dr. Syn so we could send it forward to insurance and work on approval.  I am sad to say that my impatients and annoying personality have probably upset a few people at the Dr. office and insurance.  I called and called trying to figure out if I was approved or able to be approved so I could get it scheduled.  As of mid november I found out I had been approved by insurance for the surgey and I had met all of my yearly insurance payments. So I would not only be getting the surgery but it would be mostly if not 98% covered by insurance.  After calling Dr. Syn's office and playing phone tag for a few days my chart was forwarded to the Dr. so he could sign off and approve my surgery date.  I was honestly expecting a surgery for Feb. or later so it was a HUGE shock when I was told that Dec 9th was my surgery date.
 
So here I am 8 days before surgery super excited and ready to get it over with. I am ready to start chipping away at this weight. Thanksgiving was last week and I had planned to have one last huge blowout before the surgery but for some reason when the time came I just didnt feel like it.  I can say that I have lost about 15lbs since my first meeting with Dr. Syn in early September. Three full months from first meeting to surgery is really not that bad in hind sight.  For a while it seemed as though it had been years since the beginning but now looking at it I can say that it went along pretty quick.
 
I honestly have no issues or concerns or problems with the surgery.  I am not even really that nervous about it.  I am excited and ready to start this new stage in my life.  My preop is scheduled for 12-5-14. After that appointment I am planning on starting my shopping for the next few weeks of my new diet.  I am also planning on doing a few before shots on 12-5-14 so I can have a running journal of my journey. 
 
Wish me luck!
Much Love
Jason
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9/10/14 Psych eval scheduled for 9/15/14

Well I have my psych eval scheduled for Monday the 15th. Not much really new to say. I have lost 4lbs naturally by eating less and I am off sweet tea and as much sugar as I can cut out. The headaches and withdrawls I think are pretty much over. Trying to get used to this eating schedule and eating less food trying to get used to it before my surgery. I have had cravings and impulses to go get food or to over order and over eat. I dont think that will go away for a long time... 31 years of bad habits and bad everything makes it a bit difficult... I am really glad I have decided to do this surgery. The last week has been pretty rough, mentally, emotionally, and physically. My back has started hurting again... I dont know if it is stress or if I have lifted stupidly or what the hell happened... but yesterday and today has been about a 4 to a 5 on the pain scale... I hate hurting... It makes me irritable, and makes me angry... I hope losing the weight will help and will cut back on the pressure that its causing.

I'm tired... ready for change in more than one way...
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9/4/14 day after first meeting

I have chosen the gastric bypass, I am scheduled for a scope on Sept 26th, and will be scheduling an appointment for the psych eval as soon as they call me.

I woke up this morning wondering if yesterday was a cruel dream... I was told by a man that he could give me a tool to help give me what I have wanted most in my entire life. Weightloss, being thinner, being healthier, being able to move around and be happier, he could give me this tool through surgery. A simple surgery and I would possess the tool and the power to finally make my wish come true. That is a powerful thing... but as a wise man once said "with great power comes with great responsibilty." I was told that it could be given but it was my responsibility to do what I was asked and to follow a few rules. "You have to meet me more than half way" he said while I sat with my jaw hanging open, with a slight smirk growing at the corner of my mouth as he spoke. He explained that there is nothting wrong with me... I am not at fault, I am a victim to my genetics and the environment I am surrounded by. Our bodies were designed to burn calories to survive we used to have do plant and dig out food out of the ground chase food or go hungry. I found out I consume more calories in a day then I need for almost half a week. Our bodies crave sugar and fats when we diet, because the bodies sees diets as a famin and it begins storing and fat builds and you crave the things that have caused me to ruin diets all my life. Food is to easy to come by and the eaiser and cheaper it is the worse it is for me... Its seems like such common sense why could I not see that before. Why has it ruled and controlled my life to the point of ruin. Why cant I just stop... because this life, this fat life it is easy. That is human nature. Everyone looks for the easy path. the easy way out... All I have to do is drive up hold my hand out and I am given food... this is part of what has to change in my life.

I went in feeling like a failure, like I failed at life or I didnt have the dedication to lose the extra weight or do anything for that matter. I have been told and punished my entire life for being fat. Been told by people who dont have weight issues that its not that hard, that I just dont care. I left his office yesterday and for the first time ever I feel better. I already feel happier. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my mind and my heart. I was told and agreed that food is a very important thing in my life, I was told that it is not a bad thing. I was told after the surgery that food would be even more important to me... but it would no longer control me. Even as I sit here writing this I am smiling at the thought of food no longer controling me, no longer cause me to be irrational and punish myself over it as soon as I finish eating.

But for all of this to work I MUST make a lifestyle choice and change... to be honest... I am down with that. I am so ready for a change, any change. For a simple reason, my current situation is not working for me as a lifestyle choice anymore. I will have to change almost ever facet of the way I eat and survive through food. But I am cool with that... vitamins everyday... done, eating 6 times a day... we should be doing that anyways, not eating out... its really expensive anyways, being responsible and knowledgeable about what I put in my body and when.... that one is going to take some time, but I am ready. I can do this :) I will do this :)

I will be the best me that I can be!
I am so ready to meet the other half of myself!
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Pre-First meeting 8/29/14


Well, Where to begin... My name is Jason Weathers and I am currently suffering from what all people on this sight have / or are suffering from. I am obese... Currently I am 6'2" and weigh 330+lbs. Luckily I am very tall and I carry most of my weight in my stomach. My arms, thighs, and back carry some but not enough for stretchmarks so I dont think I will have to much trouble there in the future. But my knees, my ankels, and my back are not being very forgiving on me right now. I am very mobile and flexible for a guy my size. But at 31 years old that is quickly faiding. I have carried this weight my entire life so it is as if my body has grown to support it. I feel even without the weight I will still be a pretty big guy.

I have struggled my entire life with my weight and my self image. I have never been anything but the fat guy... it is who I am... my entire peronality and life have been built around this image, that I so desprately hate... I have tried many yo-yo diets, a few of the fad diets and to no suprise or support of my family have failed... This seems like a journey that I am destin to go through personally alone. I am surrounded by people who are either skinny who have never known the pain of being fat, or people who are fat that are not ready to accept that a change needs to begin. All of which just tell me, I wish you would just learn self control, I wish you werent jumping to such drastic measures so fast... I honestly feel if I had a person to follow me around and slap the piss out of me anytime I made a bad desicion then I would not be here or where I am today... Sadly my medical condition does not help anything... I have had physicals, bloodwork, and all of those kinds of tests run and I litteraly had a Dr. tell me "amazingly you are in perfect health... All of your numbers and test look fantastic. You do need to drop about 100lbs but other wise you are in fantastic health... Your bad colesterol is .2 higher than we would like to see it." This is fantastic news, so much to the point of, if I am not in bad health why do I need to lose any weight... That thought process has been mine for far to long... But no more, I once read an interview with a man who lost a HUGE amount of weight and he said somthing that kind of made me click and jump start me down this path. He said "your life and health are like a credit card, you can go out, get whatever you want, party, have a great time but on day... You are going to have to pay the bill..."

I am in a terrible place at the moment, I am depressed, out of shape, tired, and ready for a change... My family is afraid of this surgery... they are afraid of any surgery... I was raised to be scared and terrified of everything... I have never done, anything... I have sat in the background and played my entire life safe because, I don't want problems, I don't want conflict, I DO NOT want the attention of the room turned on me... Do what you have to do to remain invisible and out of trouble. This is my life... I am at the lowest I think I have ever been in my life... I am in no way suicidal, but looking at this Robin Williams situation I see alot of myself in his story... I am a sad clown, I berate myself and be little myself as quickly as I can as soon as I meet someone new. I don't give them the chance to be able to hurt me with who I am like so many have in the past. I am so shy and have such low selfesteem that I am terrified to even talk to a woman anymore... I was married for 7 years and it ended in divorce due to my ex wife cheating on me. This does not help the already low self esteem of an already depressed individual.

I am lonely, I am afraid.

I have two beautiful children who are 9 and 7 right now. They are my world, I dont want them growing up like me, my son is already on his way to becoming a chunk... I still love him and try to help him keep from it... But you must lead by example. Monkey see monkey do as the old saying went. I want to be able to play with my kids, hell I would settle for being able to get up without struggling and killing the couch just to go to the bathroom...

I am not foolish enough to think that weight loss surgery will fix anything that I have written above... Those are all things that have to be fixed within me. They are years of emotional trauma and pain that need to be healed. But I am a firm believer in you MUST love yourself before you will allow others to truly love you. Right now I dont love me, I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror... When I look in the mirror I see who I can be, who I want to be. But on those days when I look in the mirror and see what I am and I have become... it is almost to much to even bare. Its hard to keep from crying knowing and seeing how far down the rabbit hole I have fallen. But this surgery can help me lose the weight, I see it as a spring board into the future of becoming what ever the hell I want to be. It allows me to do what I need to be doing without the internal fight, stuggles, and starvation that has kept me from achieving my goals in my past... I am not strong enough to do this alone and without any form of help... I can do this if I have a hand, and help. That is what I expect from this surgery... "many hands make light work" If I can lighten the load I will have no problem carrying it as far as possible.

Much love
Jason

I will update this after my first appointment next Wednesday. Appointment date 9/3/14.
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