stomlin75

I started the surgery journey about 2 years ago but my weight loss journey has been an ongoing process for decades. As a child/teen, I was the skinny athletic girl in a family of obese women. I was commented upon constsantly as "the skinny one", "she could be a model", etc.... Barf. I was a gymnast and a swimmer with my father's tall and fast metabolism genes in my along with my mother's side - the morbidly obese - lingering and constantly nipping at my ankles. I was never really that skinny and in fact, I was so worried about becoming overweight like them that the pressure was beyond words. While they constantly commented on my supposed skinniness, they shoved sweets down my throat like no tomorrow. The oxymoron was that while they pretended to "believe in me", there was a dark, jealous, and sabotoging side. My weight came on during and after the first pregnacy with my daughter. I was so ashamed, I didn't want to see my family, friends, or anyone from my past. To make matters worse, I will never forget running into an acquantence from high school at the bank and all he could say to me was, "Wow, you are really fat". His face has been permanently etched in my mind and his words, a scar, despite his association to me being relatively meaningless. I continued to eat myself into temporary bouts of bliss until one day, I noticed on a medical record that my stomach was referred to as an obese abdomen. I was shocked. Someone referred to me as obese. I wasn't in reality. I didn't want to use that word. I was scared of it. My mom, my sister, my grandmother.....THEY were the obese ones. And now I was too.

My daughter was 4 years old and I began a behavioral weight management program that was part of the University I was attending. I was 268 at the time. After 6 months of that investment, I was down 100 pounds and while I wasn't skinny, I was definitely back on track ot being myself again....or so I thought. My reaction to the loss was the discovery of my misery in my relationship and my ridiculous desire to fill the food void with something else. I went out a lot....A LOT. I made friends with a lot of gay guys (they were safe and didn't judge) and was having a blast while my homelife was deteriorating. I wasn't focused on anything but having a good time because of the intense loss I felt during my twenties being so huge and having a baby to take care of. I lost all sense of prioritization. I finally left my daughter's father and in retrospect, realized I should have done that long before I did but stayed with him because I felt I would never have anybody better. My weight began slowly creeping up but I was able to keep it in check. While sharing custody of our daughter, I had time to go for a run, fill my void with fun stuff, and maintain my life. Then, my ex decided to leave the picture entirely and I was a single mom, lonely, and unsure of all the decisions I had made in my life. I struggled to be a good single mom, desperate for a relationship, terrified of being alone, and still not realizing my priorities as a parent. I was going through the motions, feeling sad for myself and for my daughter, both of us having lost so much. My eating really began to take off again and I found it was a way to bond with my daughter - who doesn't like a hot fudge sundae with extra whipped cream?? Her weight skyrocketed too. We both went into counseling and came out in a posiive place. Unforunately, we were both overweight and honestly, it wasn't the focus for a very long time. I was still well below what I was prior to the behavioral weight management program, but noticed a gradual increase - ever so slowly but surely.

Then I met Ian. He is the love of my life, normal, even keeled, solid, kind, honest, and giving. We dated for a long time and our love developed slowly. He wasn't my typical type and for me, this was a good thing. I was still overweight but hadn't put on everything I previously lost. After 2 years, we had our first son and a year and half later, had our second son. Needless to say, 2 babies later and I was not only back up to what I started at after having my daughter but I was even heavier. Around 2 years ago, I was 274 and hovering there. I went to a gastric surgery info meeting and left thinking to myself, no way in hell will I do that. I was sure I could just do this on my own if I put my mind to it. Several nutritionists, weight groups, weight watchers, and calorie counting schemes later, I attended another info session and committed. I knew this was it. I was scared but knew I needed my life back. My biggest fear is losing the best part of my life, my family. After the disasterousness of what I did the last time I lost weight, I didn't want to revisit that dark place ever again. I am committed not to. I made the decision going into this surgery that alcohol was not an option after this surgery. I am a non-drinker. I am also fully committed to actively engaging my therapist if at any point, I begin to notice feeling like I am unstable or unsure.

This surgery is a tool and I fully respect what it can and what it can't do. Each day is a new day. I am 271 pounds as of today and it's been 4 days since my surgery. I said adios to my pain meds yesterday and am moving onwards and upwards to better things. I love my family and I look forwad to all of us being a part of this incredible journey full of action and adventure together.

God bless and thanks if you read this entire thing.