dragon

First off, you aren't horrible. You are a person, and you feed your body; whether you do it well or poorly, that doesn't make you better or worse, kinder or less kind, smarter or less smart, any more or less horrible. Don't forget that. Second, can I suggest that if you have the means, you have a couple of sessions with a therapist who is fluent in weight and food issues? Both the equating your eating with your worth, and your fears about getting pregnant and gaining it all back say to me that perhaps the largest part of your struggle is with your mindset; when you are more comfortable with the weight-loss mentally, actually losing the weight will be much easier. As a side note, I actually went back down to my pre-pregnancy weight pretty easily, specifically because of the mind component. At least for me, when I was pregnant, food wasn't about stress or reward or being horrible - it's about eating things that will be good for the baby; I allowed myself to eat without feeling guilty, because the baby needs it; and, was so much less tempted to eat poorly, because I had a baby to think about; it's amazing what we can do for our kids that we can't do for ourselves.