donali

Hi Mary - The weeks prior to your first fill are about healing, not about losing. Most people have little if any restriction prior to the first fill. Remember, this is not a "diet" - it is the rest of your life. The weight will come off, but it usually does not fall off. Also you will have many plateaus throughout your journey. Average loss is 4 to 10 pounds a month. That does not mean you will lose 4 pounds every month! It means an average - sometimes you'll lose more, sometimes less, but when you add it all together and divide by the amount of time, you get the average. So, you've lost 12 pounds. There's your average of 4 pounds a month for 3 months. The body can only lose weight so fast - how much weight do you expect to lose each month?!?! 12 pounds is STUPENDOUS! Relax.

Hi Dana - Emotional eating is our way to nurture ourselves. Although the long term end result of emotional eating is not our intention, the short term results keep us coming back for more. Once it was explained to me that the underlying reason of my emotional eating was GOOD (trying to care of myself, responding to MY needs), it put my eating in a whole new different light. I had to be taught that being good to myself when I was in need was OKAY - this included setting boundaries (actually say "No" to someone?!?! gasp! - lol) and treating myself like I would a loved one. This was a novel idea... Me? A loved one to myself? I learned how to stop the negative inner voice that used to be my constant companion, particularly in regards to my eating. All that "failure, bad, cheating, ugly, fat, unloveable, unworthy" crap had to go. Is that how you would encourage someone you love? Once it was okay to be good to myself, I used my desire to eat emotionally as an indication that I needed nurturing (very, very hard for me to learn the difference between emotional hunger and physical hunger - they felt the same to me). As soon as I was able to identify that my mood was driving me to eat instead of phsical hunger, I referred to my list of alternate activities and tried some of those before I ate. I never forbade myself from eating - that was always an option - I just made a deal with myself to try something else first. If I still wanted to eat, that was okay. Usually I could distract myself enough that the craving went away. If not, having permission to eat what I wanted reduced my incidence of binging, because I knew this was not a "last supper". If you're interested in doing some emotional work, I posted a tool I used in the support section: A Tool for Dealing with Emotional Hunger. Above all else, I believe to the core of my being that we all need to treat ourselves with love and respect regardless of the choices we make. We are all doing the best we can at the moment, and we are all getting better. Having tools that can help us when the going gets rough gives us an infrastructure to fall back on. Best of luck to you during this difficult time.

Hi Rach – The program is called “The Hungry Heart”. It has been changed since I went through it – they no longer offer the one-on-one counseling, but have converted the program to audio tape with workbook, with optional phone support. Their site address is: www.hungryheart.org Please know that I am not affiliated in anyway with this organization, and it is not my intent to drive traffic to their site. I can NOT vouch for the effectiveness of the audio tape program, although it is supposed to use the same workbook I had with my counseling sessions (they converted to the audio tape program a month or two before I had completed my follow-up support sessions). I posted one of the exercises I did through the program in the support section called “A Tool for Dealing with Emotional Hunger” – this is the kind of self-tailored exercise the program uses. Although the program dealt with eating behaviors, for me the overall tone was about raising my self-esteem, which I SO needed. I felt that all people would have benefited from this program, not just those with eating issues. Again, this is not an endorsement (or non-endorsement) for the tape program they currently offer. I personally would not have been successful with a tape program, as I have MANY self-help/self-improvement books/programs that I never started, or started but never completed. :sick For me it was critical to have that face-to-face accountability with my counselor each week. Best of luck to you!

Hi All - One of the exercises I was required to do by my counselor for my food obsession was to create a chart of alternative activities for the various emotions I felt throughout my days. I am not a journaler by nature, so a lot of the counseling sessions were tedious for me - lol. But I thought that this particular exercise was so worthwhile, and gave me a concrete and self-tailored tool to help me deal with my emotions seperately from food. First, take one week and write down the time every time you eat. Do not change your eating habits - this is not a good/bad kind of thing. In addition to the time, write what you ate, and then write how you are feeling: bored, tired, physically hungry, sad, worried, anxious, resentful, mad... whatever. Write down EVERY emotion you're feeling at the time you eat. Do this for an entire week. Second, review your week's journal. On a separate piece of paper, write down one time every emotion you noted. This in itself can be enlightening - you get to see the kind of foods you are drawn to when you're eating for a reason other than physical hunger. Third, think about all the things you could have done INSTEAD of eating that would have had the same effect on your mood that eating did. Some of the items on my list were: take a hot bath, give myself a facial, take a walk, play on the computer, curl up in front of the TV with a sugar-free hot chocolate, call a friend to chat, work in the yard. My food tendency is to eat to calm and relax myself, or to entertain myself. Fourth, make a grid. Down the left hand side write each of your emotions from your journal week. Across the top, write each of the alternate activities you thought up. Fifth, read each emotion, and mark an "X" under each activity that you think would help you deal with that emotion. For me, when I was feeling anxious or frustrated, I felt a more active response like working in the yard or taking a walk would be helpful. But for the times I was feeling neglected, or worried, or tired, a more nurturing activity like a hot bath, or reading sounded more soothing. Once your grid is completed, and you have your emotions matched up with activities, you have a valuable tool for when you want to eat but you know you are not physically hungry. Whip out that chart, find your emotion, and look at the things you want to try before turning to food. Sometimes you will still turn to food - that's okay! Be good to yourself. Remember that food has been an important coping mechanism in your life, and do NOT feel guilty or bad! However, the more you work with the tool, the more often you will end up substituting a different activity for eating in response to your emotions. The goals of this exercise: 1. become aware of WHY we are eating 2. eat only in response to physical hunger 3. substitute an alternative behavior to eating in response to emotional hunger 4. be kind and loving to ourselves throughout the process I hope this helps others as much as it has helped me! Donali Dr Lopez, 1/23/03 303/245/135

Hi Yvette - Most docs require at least 2 weeks on liquids, then 2 weeks on mushes prior to resuming normal eating. The exact times vary from doc to doc - some requiring 4 weeks of Clear Liquids, then 2 weeks of mush, then regular food as tolerated. The most important thing is NOT NOT NOT to eat solids prior to when the doc says it's okay. Not because you are physically incapable of handing solids, but because solids make the stomach contract and move around to process what you eat, and that puts strain on the sutures and interrupts the healing process. If the band does not heal adequately in place at the beginning, the chances for slippage down the road long term are greatly increased. Think of a deep cut on your knee - every time you bend your knee you break the cut open - takes a long time for it to heal that way. Once you are back into regular food mode there is not a "diet" - some docs put restrictions/guidelines out there, but mostly you will be advised by other bandsters to eat your Protein first, then your veggies, and then (if you still have room) your carbs. Getting enough protein and Water is critical. As far as WHAT you will actually be able to eat once you're back on solids, only you will know for sure, as we are all different. I'm on my third fill and have adequate restriction, and have not found anything I cannot eat at least a little bit of. Welcome to the other side, and good luck on your journey!! Donali Dr Lopez, 1/23/03 303/245/135

As far as numbing first, my doc doesn't numb. I am a huge needle phobic, and even I have to admit it is no big deal. I have an abdomen port, and have my fills done under fluoro. The doctor presses down with a finger on each side of the port to immobilize it, then watching the fluoro monitor sticks me once directly into the port. It feels almost more like pressure than a prick. The needle is left there and the Fluid allowed to drain out. Then the saline syringe is attached and the saline added. I drink the barium while the needle is still in the port and the dr keeps pressure on the syringe, adjusting the amount of fill until the barium just barely trickles out. I have had three fills, all done this way, and do not think twice or dread the procedure. I have heard people who've had it done both with and without the numbing shot say that they prefer the fill to be done WITHOUT - that the numbing shot hurts as much/worse than the fill, and they'd just as soon be stuck only once. I was told I could eat prior, but other bandsters there recommended being empty for the tightest fills. Dr. Lopez says a week of liquids after a fill. I manage a few days... Donali (big medical procedure chicken - lol) Dr Lopez, 1/23/03 303/245/135

I think your doctor's philosophy is right on the money. I spent about $1500 on a counseling program for my obsession about food. It included one on one counseling with hypnotherapy. We went through a workbook with exercises, and I have to tell you that emotionally/self-esteem-wise, this was the most valuable $1500 I have ever spent. That and the band are the two greatest gifts I have ever given myself. The first thing I had to do to begin my healing journey with food was to sign a contract with myself that I would NEVER EVER diet again - EVER. It took me a week to sign that document, because I was petrified of letting go of this crutch I have used for the last 26 years. When I finally signed the contract, I MEANT it - and I will never diet again. Not dieting does not mean not making healthy choices - it just means that I do not create cravings for myself for foods that are "off limits" or "bad". There are no longer "good" or "bad" foods - just nutritious and less nutritious. Once I got off the diet wagon, I could address that negative voice I had developed in response to my dieting failures. I had been letting a hateful voice in my head run my self-esteem into the ground until I had none - I was fat, worthless, unloveable... If the voice were to be believed. I did not deserve to be happy, or to pay attention to my needs - that was selfish... If the voice were to believed. I learned through the program how to shut down that paralyzing voice, and seperate my self-worth from my weight. Yes, I still want to lose weight - I want to look and feel better physically - but I no longer attribute all my problems in life to my weight. Most people with chronic weight issues have transferred all of their energy to micro-managing their weight. It's the only thing we have been able to make "all about me" with a clear conscience, the only control we feel we have in our lives. All other problems take a back seat in our efforts and energy - and LIVING passes us by while we count calories and research new diets and obsess about numbers on the scale. This program was a life saver for me. I still felt the need to be banded - it was a difficult decision in that regard, but I just did not feel that the emotional changes I was making would be fast enough to achieve the health I desired in comparison to my aging. The two together, however, has been an invaluable combination for me. Although I intend to continue to lose weight, my main goal is to be at peace with food and to live my life. I eat when I am hungry, and stop when I am full. If I am not dying to have something less nutritious, I make nutritious choices. When I crave pizza, or ice cream, or candy, or fried chicken, I have it. But I know and am secure in the knowledge that I do not have to BINGE on it because I can have it whenever - not just now. I do not have to say goodbye to it for a certain time. That alone has been a very powerful healing behaviour. Yes, at first my body did not trust me, and my subconscious demanded all the things I had previously deemed "bad" - but as I proved to myself over and over again, these foods WERE permitted and eaten, and were not taken away, and I did not beat myself up. The demands are few and far between now. My only rules for myself now: Eat immediately in response to physical hunger and stop when I'm full. Drink all of my Water each day. Deal with life issues seperately from food - satisfy emotional hunger with activities other than eating. Use kind and nurturing talk when I talk to myself, as I would to a beloved child or pet. My end goal - to be at peace with food, regardless of my weight. To me this means that food is no longer a central part of my life, and involves no more thought than breathing or going to the bathroom. I have a long way to go, but I do believe I will get there! Good luck to everyone else - Donali Dr. Lopez, 1/23/03 303/245/135

Thanks for the pics - you look awesome. Love the purple, too. lol Tell me again how much it hurt? :sick :nervous :cry

Hi Malcolm - Your site is a true inspiration. Of course, I particularly love the love story part. A bizillion congrats on your accomplishments, and glad to see you here!

Hi Robin - Just had to say I LOVE your site, and particularly your journal. I found it months ago prior to my banding, and hadn't visited recently, so just caught up on your more recent entries. Congrats on beating the cervical cancer - how scary. And many many thanks for the pics and details of your TT. If you don't mind my asking, how are your arms/thighs? I see a lot of plastic surgery in my future...

Hi All - I'm Donali (pronounced Donnelly), 42yo female. I've been battling my weight all my life, done ever diet imaginable, and some beyond imagination! lol I was banded as a self-pay in TJ by Dr Lopez on 1/23/03. My last pre-band diet was a year on Meridia, which really did help with my appetite - I went from 313 to 228 in a year. But, of course, once the medication was over... appetite kicked in, and I got back up to 303. Geez. My sister had the RNY a few years back - she lost down to a size 18, and is almost back to where she started. She's frantically doing Atkins now. I almost had the RNY because my insurance would pay, but after watching sis regain, and reading more about the risks, I knew I just couldn't do it. My initial reaction to the band was "gross - I don't want that thing in me" until I realized that was my best option. It's not nearly as gross as I thought it would be! lol My journey is slower than many, because I refuse to "diet" - I am mindful of what I eat, but nothing is off limits. I had 6 months of intensive compulsive overreating counseling, which has been a God send for my self-esteem. It also gave me a lot of tools to deal with my emotions seperate from food. This weekend I was craving M&Ms, so I ate a bunch of those, but that happens very very rarely. I know they're not off limits, so even if I overindulge I do not get down on myself or freak out, because it is so rare for me to do that. Anyway, I continue to search for sneaky exercise activities - you know, the kind that are fun so you don't realize you're getting exercise. I am still at the point emotionally that I do not want to start a program that I might fail at - the 47 pounds I have lost should never come back as long as I keep my band and this current restriction, as I am just living my life "normally", not doing anything special. Sure, I'd love to lose faster, but not at the risk of all the good counseling work I've done. I'm looking at this as the rest of my life, and trying to focus more on living and not my WEIGHT, which has been an obsession most of my life. My goals: To be at peace with food. To eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. To be good to myself emotionally, and be my biggest supporter! To be the kind of friend to myself that I am to others. As a side benefit of these goals, I hope to lose another 121 pounds or so. Frankly, I'd be thrilled to reach 185 again - at least for a little while! I'm filled to 2ccs after my 3rd fill 7/5/03. I am still able to eat a whole sandwich, but just barely. My fills tend to tighten-up after a MONTH, so we'll see how I'm feeling in August. I don't want my intake to be so low that my metabolism is further suppressed - my next big learning curve is trying to increase my metabolism. Best wishes to everyone!

Thanks, Alex! I hope this really takes off - what a great idea, and done so quickly! What's your secret?