Jessiebear

Okay!! Here are my boobies............. Pervert!

Fun Stuff: Think You Know Everything? Here's a Refresher Course Tuesday, October 25, 2005 ...For those of you who just thought you knew everything, here's a refresher course: **** The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma. **** No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. **** Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. **** You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. **** Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older. **** The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. **** The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. **** American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class. **** Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!) **** Apples, not caffeine,are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. **** Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. **** Walt Disney was afraid of mice. **** Pearls melt in vinegar. **** The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. **** It is possible to lead a cow upstairs-- but not downstairs. **** A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. **** Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!) **** Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second ? William Jefferson Clinton **** And the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. **** Now you know everything there is to know. Of importance, that is ! Cheers !

The Outhouse Thursday, November 10, 2005 Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. His family had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain when the creek was swollen, the little boy decided that today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied: "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

Aussie Humor Sunday, November 13, 2005 The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian tourism website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on television. How do the plants grow? A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only 3000 miles, so take lots of Water. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville, and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross .....Come naked. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races....Come naked. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British politician, right? Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: Do you Celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Praise the Lord! Thursday, November 17, 2005 There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!" One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!" Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!" The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. 'PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!" The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!" The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"

Very Clever, but Somebody Out There Has Way Too Much Time on His Hands Thursday, November 17, 2005 This has got to be one of the most clever e-mail messages I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. DORMITORY When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER SNOOZE ALARMS When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER shake ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

He Wanted a Truck, She Wanted.... Friday, November 18, 2005 A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" She said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!" He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

Best Little Convent in Texas Sunday, November 27, 2005 A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son? '" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." Very well, my son. Please follow me. The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

It Was a Bad Traffic Accident Friday, December 02, 2005 A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, there's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and Celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Ever Wonder............. Tuesday, December 13, 2005 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 on those little bottles of Evian Water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly) 3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans? 4. If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? 5. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. 6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist? 11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam. 17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks? 18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? 23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS

For Those Who Are King of the House Wednesday, December 28, 2005 For all those guys who are King, until their wife gets home: Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken s**t !"

I'm gonna start this thread to post some funny stuff I have found. Feel free to add to it! We all need to laugh! It's good for you!

25 Signs That You Have Grown Up Saturday, November 05, 2005 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of 'em. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "Hook Up" and "Break Up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "Dressed Up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives now feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM now severely upsets, rather than settles, your stomach. 19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food before noon. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your hide.

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT. Listen up! Sunday, October 30, 2005 If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crest View couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2:

:xena_banana: :Banane03: :Banane20: :Banane21: :Banane18: :Banane35: :Banane05: :Banane04: :Banane32: :Banane48: :Banane41: :Banane47: :Banane43: :Banane31: :faint: Not gonna happen!!

Just remember, with each test that you take, you are getting closer to the answer! (((HUGS))) I'm still praying for you! You WILL get your answers soon!!

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter! I know that had to be hard for you. But I'm so glad that you found an answer & it's working for you!

Are you measuring yourself? A doctor once told me that when you hit a plateau, your body is shrinking to catch up with the weight loss. I look forward to my plateaus! That being said, I would also look at what I'm eating, when I'm eating & how I'm eating. Don't eat late at night, don't eat around your band (drinking with meals & other bad bandster behavior), & do eat like a bandster is supposed to. If you are doing all of these things right & you have been on a plateau for a while, it may be time for a fill. Also, have you started exercising or exercising more? This could be adding muscle which weighs more than fat, making you think that you are on a plateau. I'm sure there are many other things other bandsters could add here, but these are just off the top of my head! Good luck! & WOW!!! You've lost 79.5 lbs.!!! Congrats! Great job!!!! Oh. I just saw that you have been banded over a year. You know all of this stuff!!! LOL!!

Happy Bandiversary!!! :Banane03: :Banane52: :Banane41: :Banane28: :Banane21: :not_ripe: :Banane27: :Banane35: :Banane05: :Banane31: :Banane04: :Banane48: :Banane42: :Banane53: :xena_banana: :Banane33: :Banane44: :Banane32: :Banane45: :Banane43: :Banane41: :Banane47: :Banane08: :welldone: :Banane20: :clap: :waytogo: :Banane18: :cheer2: :thumb: :rockon: :whoo: :high5: :clap2:

That's awful! I'm so glad they found it though. Sounds like it was pretty bad. My thoughts & prayers are with her!

OHHHHHHHHH............... They are both just absolutely precious!!!

Cool!! I bet that will be a lot of fun! Congrats!!

Nanahanna, you go girl!! My Grandpa who is 81 was banished to the little bedroom cause he is such a horndog!! Yes, my Grandma discusses these things with me.

I was wondering if you were okay! Glad you found a nice doc! Now behave young lady! We want this slip to fix itself!!! Oh yeah..... Congrats on the 208 lbs!!!!