Vicki J

Stephanie - As I said before, I don't know. I am not in the medical field and I am not an expert. I do know that when I get to a stalled point I often feel like I've been there FOREVER. God, it's bad. But if I keep track I not only see that it hasn't been forever but in a lot of cases there is a pattern. That's just me though. I usually can find out why (if it's not a normal stall) by looking at what I'm eating. I agree with you that the weight loss due to not eating is NOT a healthy loss and effects all of your body. My statement was never directed at promoting that method of loosing. Hopefully with the band and other WLS available we'll see more people loosing in a more healthy manner. But even as a bear looses weight during hibernation so will people loose weight when they don't eat. Our systems do not slow down in the same manner as a bear's does. This is just MHO. Again, I'm NOT an expert. I am just humbly expressing an opinion.

Hi there. Sorry I was out of town for the weekend and not even around electricity let alone a computer. But at least the air was clean!!! To change your ticker you need to go to the page you made it from and follow their updating instructions. They're usually pretty easy. As far as Dr. Le giving you 2cc's, I will be surprised if he does that. I think (and I could be wrong) that since you've had some of the signs of restriction (i.e. pbing, getting stuck, etc.) I think he is going to be causious because Dr. Le is very concerned about people having problems. I know that one time when I went in for a fill he balked at giving me one because I was loosing weight. I informed him that I restricted my calories to 1200 no matter what and was exercising and therefore would loose weight by that alone. I then explained that I was getting hungry in less time then I should be. He gave me 1/2 cc. Think about how you're going to approach him because you have to paint the whole picture for him. I believe this is the way with most conservative doctors. If you go in demanding from him (from what I've heard - not from experience), he pretty much gets stubborn. I never had much trouble with him so I can't say for sure. Keep in mind he's VERY concerned about getting someone in the position of needing an unfill and having problems from that. He's looking at the long term. I know it's frustrating right now because you haven't found the "sweet spot". I'm so happy I finally found mine. My band has decided to tighten up a little on its own and I haven't been able to eat as freely as I had prior to this. Still no troubles but she lets me know she's there more often. Maybe the "fill" at the time of surgery was Fluid that the band came with and he isn't the one that actually filled it. Maybe that's the confusion. All I know is that he said I had 2cc's when I went in for my first fill and he gave me 1cc. Let me know how you do down there. Good luck!!!

No problem. You're at the harder end of all of this but keep in mind the band and it's adjustments will be here soon.

Latrice - Dieting is never easy since it is not only a restriction on our food intake (which we as obese people eat a lot) but it is also a life style change. Many of us have kids or spouses we must prepare food for and it makes it even rougher. I am fortunate in that my kids are grown and my husband is the cook and truly understanding and supportive. He has always cooked lean, trimming the fat, and boils veggies. I, however, ate large quantities and yes ate junk food. So, what I did was I relied on my Weight Watchers knowledge. Keep in mind a calorie is a calorie no matter where it comes from. Yes, Kaiser would love for us to be perfect but the truth is even they aren't. LOL So, I tailored my 1200 calorie diet to fit my life style. Yes, I dropped the junk food to an extent. I allowed myself things like a SF chocolate pudding at night or my SF Suisse Mocha in the morning with whipped cream. But I counted every calorie and this took away valuable calories from the 1200 calories. But for me this is how I didn't feel deprived. I then pretty much stuck to the plan they gave me. It's VERY important to eat the Protein. Make it dense protein like meats because that's what will keep you full longer. Also, they added more veggies to our diets. They gave us 8 cups. That's a huge amount and made it so that if you needed them for Snacks you could eat them (there's a spray on ranch dressing that will give you just a taste of ranch w/o many calories). They also warned us against going more than 4 hours without eating. They added a snack with a protein and a fruit if we had a long span in between meals. I have lunch at 1 and therefore that snack came in handy. This was also extra and not part of the 1200 calories. Finally, when things got really tough I would tell myself over and over again that surgery was just a couple of months away and I could do this. Keeping in mind that the help was around the corner helped me a lot. Since banding and about 9 months after starting the program, I discovered that if I give myself a break emotionally it makes it easier. There are times that I have made some less than stellar choices and I beat myself up. I remember one time pre-band that I came home angry at something. So to the fridge I went and I ate 4 chocolate SF puddings instead of my normal one. I then called my daughter and told her how bad I had been. It was sure hard to talk in between her laughter. She said, "Oh yeah, Mom, you're bad...4 SF PUDDINGS? That's really bad...hehehehe" I then realized that I was mad because I felt like I had failed and that I had done this for the wrong reasons. I also realized how much worse I felt because I did it for the reasons I had and not because I just wanted more. So I discovered the real reason for my failing before. Later I found that when I wanted something because of a special occassion if I gave myself permission to have a small amount I not only felt ok with a small amount, I enjoyed the event and whatever I was eating more. That day and the next morning I didn't feel like a failure because I did what I had chosen to do, how much to have and I stayed in control. Taking that control is empowering. You have to keep in mind that this is a life style change and not a prison sentence. Life is not made up of no goodies. At least not in most of our lives. But you have to keep track of how much you're eating. If you don't eat protein and you only eat sugar then not only will you be not as healthy but you will be on a roller coaster of energy and hungry sooner. Take time to plan your meals. Make them something you enjoy. They say not to read or anything. Some people need this type of thing so they pay attention to what they are eating and chew, chew, chew. Me, I need the distraction so I don't hurry through my meal. Again, taylor it to you. Work for the prize. That prize is the thing that will help you achieve your goal of being thinner. It's tough and I know it. But now sitting 7 months out from being banded I can tell you it's truly is worth it. Keep in touch with me and if you need some support PM me. Of course, you may not like my long windedness. LOL But I'm here and I'll help whenever possible. Good luck and work on just today. You can't change yesterday but you can improve your tomorrows. Vicki

If you had 3cc in during surgery (they prime the new bands) and you have had a fill of 1 cc that would put you at 4 cc. I had 2 cc in at the time of surgery and received the other 2.5 cc over 4 different visits. I received 1 cc on my first visit and .5 cc the next 3. Ask him how much they put in the band at surgery. If you have one of the old bands (if you were banded prior to Nov 07 - I think it was) then you may not have had any in at the time of surgery. But I thought you were banded after me. I have Dr. Le too and at first I was frustrated because he was so conservative. I too have to come from the Sacramento area. BUT I have never been stuck, pb'd or slimed. I have had an easy trip with the band and now that I am at my sweet spot I'm sort of glad he took it slow. I know of 2 of Dr. Alamai's patients that have had some problems. That doesn't mean that I think there's a problem with him but I do know that he is/was more agressive with the fills. Just wondering out loud here so all you Dr. Alamai fans don't lynch me. He seems like a nice guy. <smile, grin, ducking my head> I know how frustrating it is waiting for restriction. Hang in there it will come. Oh yeah, I had to wait 8 weeks for my fill because he was on vacation over the holidays. That sucked. It took me 6 months to get where I am.

Jorge - That kind of "I'm a failure" thinking is what got you to the place you are now. Stop and realize that if you were indeed a failure you wouldn't have gotten the surgery. When you learned how to drive do you think you could have stopped the car without brakes? No. Well, you're driving the food mobile and you don't have brakes yet. Go and start getting those things tuned up - get your fill. It may take a while until you have enough brakes to stop. That's ok. It will be there. Have faith. Start planning your meals and plan to have your 3 oz of Protein and then a good amount of veggies. If you still need a snack later on (say in 2 hours) have a PLANNED snack of fruit, protein, veggies or something like that. I know it's not as tasty as the sweet stuff but you'll like the results better. I always finish my day off with SF fudgesciles. Yep. Only 80 calories and it's the last thing I have in my day. With the band you can plan and therefore take control. This feeling you're having is not so much the "addiction" but the out of control feeling taking over. The more control you take the better. If you know that you're say going out to lunch with someone, check out the restaurant's menu online or take the time when you get there. Trust me soon you will be feeling another type of frustration when you're enjoying the "taste" of something and figure out the band won't let you finish it. The time is coming, friend. Mark my words. Also, loose the word failure. Unless you REALLY eat around the band you will loose weight. You will, however, only get what you put into the band back. Right now, you're healing. BUT - you have the chance to put the car in gear. GO NOW!!! Vicki

When did you get your band? The reason I'm asking is because at SSF they put 2-3 in the new band at the time of surgery. That would put you at around 4cc's. Not that that means anything if you're still hungry. I have a total of around 4.5 cc's in my band and I feel I'm right where I want to be. I don't have a strangle hold on my stomach but I'm satisfied with the amount of food a bandster should eat and don't get hungry between meals. I'm near the end of the weight loss portion of my journey and therefore I'm loosing slower but I'm still loosing. I really love where my band is set right now so I guess I've found that elusive "sweet spot" and have been here since early May.

jgilbert - I agree with the statement that this is an individual thing and whatever you put into it you'll get out of it. One thing for sure is there is no fooling the band. If you eat junk, it will not help you at all but if you follow most of the rules most of the time, it will help you tremendously. One of the nice things about the band is that you don't have to be perfect. Sometimes during the journey you need to take a wee break and unless you're eating ice cream all day, it will hold your place until you're ready to get back to business. Congratulations on the journey. Yes, Kaiser is overwhelmed with people wanting to improve their lives. The journey can be frustrating going through the Kaiser but it's worth it. Take care - Vicki Banded 12/12/07

You should be able to go 3 - 4 hours in between meals. It is suggested that if for some reason you have to go longer to have an oz of Protein or some other snack. Some days you may not be able to make it quite that long and it's ok to have a snack. Some doctors tell their patients to have a planned snack once or twice a day all the time. The main thing is to keep the calories between 1000 - 1200 calories. This is pretty easy to do if you pay attention to what you're eating. This is an individual journey and so trying to do exactly what the next person is doing might not work. Taylor it to you. Keep in mind it's also not a race. The more you relax and just chart out your course the better off you'll be. Another thing to keep in mind is it helps to be the one in control. For instance, when I know I'm going to a special event I plan for that special item. I make the decision on whether or not I'm going to have something I normally wouldn't have or not. When I do this I'm satisfied with my small amount, happy I participated and I'm right back on track because I'm not beating myself to death for "failing". You can't fail if you've made a choice and controlled the situation. Sorry for the "more information than requested thing". :thumbup:

The full feeling of days gone by will probably not be felt again. The feeling you will get now is something more like satisfied. I don't know what you're eating in your 4 oz but you need to make sure 2 - 3 of them are dense Protein. This will help a lot. Other things to look for are sodium content & making sure you're drinking your Water. At 25 pounds in 12 weeks you're right in the range that should be expected in loosing weight. Matter of fact you're on the high side. I know that you have been at a stall but that is probably your body adjusting and the muscle replacing fat. I realize this is not what you want to hear but it's a fact. One thing that a friend of mine had me do when I got frustrated during a stall is to make sure you've taken your measurements. Believe it or not you are probably loosing inches during this time. When I did that I discovered that she was right. The weight will come off but remember this is a healthier way of loosing. The slower weight loss that we get with the band keeps our body from being shocked and we don't have the issues that someother WLS have. Keep your chin up and you'll be amazed. Also, keep track of your weight loss and intake of food on something like fitday.com. When I feel like I've been stalled out FOREVER I go into my fitday and discover it really hasn't been that long since I've lost. Also, if I am having a problem, I can go back and usually find out the cause. For instance, even though I've had a hysterectomy I still stall once a month sometimes for a couple of weeks. It's a fact and I've learned to expect it and live with it. Of course, I pout effectively the whole time. :thumbup: Good luck on your journey. This time next year you'll be beaming at your success. Vicki

According to the bariactric nurse on another site there is no such thing as "starvation mode". Who do I believe? I don't know because it's hard to pit one professional against another. But she has a point because if there were a starvation mode then anorexics (sp?) and people with bolimea (again sp?) would not be able to loose weight. Hmmmm. Your body is going to move up and down on the scale no matter how good you are. You will also reach periods where your body is adjusting and will pause in the weight loss. Some call these plateaus some just say it's a short pause. My best friend during my weight loss journey was fitday.com because I could look back and check out my weight loss. Whenever I would go into one of these pause modes I could go back and really see how long it was or if there was a pattern. Those pauses always seemed so long and usually weren't that long. For instance, I stop loosing weight one week out of the month. I've had a hysterectomy and it kind of surprised me that I would have this just around the time my period used to hit. Oh yeah, I mean my TOM (I want to be politically correct here). Also, I could go back and check out things like sodium levels and stuff and pretty much see what caused the delay in weight loss. Now I expect the pause and know that following this brief intermission I will drop 2 - 4 pounds. All I have to do is hang in there. As far as only being able to eat a few bites and then you get hungry - eat solid Proteins. This will help with the hungry part of it. Eat it slowly because if you're tight it could be hard to get down. Also, don't be afraid of a well planned snack. This is an individual journey and we must figure out what works for each one of us. Fire - If you are having those kinds of trouble, get a small unfill quick before more problems are caused which could result in a total unfill or worse. Don't wait it out. You can always get more of a fill when you need it. People don't realize that they can not only get dehydrated but they can cause the lining of their esophagus to get damaged by stomach acid (heartburn/reflux) and it is one of the major causes of esophagial cancer. My dad died of this and I remember him drinking Maylox straight from the bottle all day long. Do not mess around with this. You could also loose your band. That sweet spot will happen soon enough if you're patient. This will happen for all of you, just take care of yourselves and work on eating less than 1200 calories and making sure that what you is is quality. Good luck. Vicki

I was re-reading that and I want to make sure you know you don't have to loose all the weight before your other appts. They will schedule all but the surgery while you are loosing your weight. They will weigh you at orientation and at all other appts to see how you are doing. Vicki

MissLynn23 - Howdy neighbor! I'm from Penryn. I thought I would chime in here because I too went through the Kaiser program. Barbiek is right, it's a slow process but they pay for it all depending on your policy. From what I hear they are doing some of the things up here now like pre-op requirements. I don't know about that because last year we had to do it all in SSF. That's probably the facility you'll be going through. When I went into my PCP I had my records from non-Kaiser doctors, chiropractors, etc. expecting a fight. My old PCP at Kaiser said I had to be "a lot bigger" to have surgery. So I went in armed to the teeth. Guess what, my new PCP referred me right away. I had no problems after that. You will go through a battery of blood tests and if they find anything they will make sure it's ok. One person told me I would have the best physical I had ever had. Since I hadn't had a really good physical I guess that was a gimme. LOL I had a high ferritin level and ended up having a liver scan that showed I had "fatty liver". Now, when you have a BMI of 49+ isn't that kind of a "ya think" moment. Fortunately, I started my journey on time and with time my liver will heal. I didn't know that you could completely distroy your liver with fat just as if you had drank all your life. Wow, I learned a lot there. Kaiser will send you to an orientation first. Following that they will put you on a 1200 calorie diet and want you to loose +/- 10% of your body weight (no your extra weight - the whole thing). They do this to make sure your liver is smaller for a safer surgery and to make sure you will follow the plan following surgery. You will then see the director of bariactrics, a psychologist and a nutritionalist. Once you are cleared by all of them you will get to see the surgeon. Once you see the surgeon if you are cleared you will be put on the list for surgery. You may have to go to some classes but they are usually at Point West in Sacramento. The only class I had to attend down there was a pre-op class after surgery was scheduled. Patience is the necessary ingredient here but the surgery was pretty uneventful. Contact me if you have questions. Congratulations on starting your journey and don't let the doctor tell you no if you fit the criteria. Vicki

Next time you're tempted to cheat ask yourself if it's worth taking a chance that they might have a problem during surgery. The diet is to shrink your liver so that they can move it out of the way. You're probably ok right now but there are doctors that get in there and see that the liver is too big and simple stitch the patient back up. You need to decide if you're going to do what it takes to be successful. If you're not, don't waste your time getting surgery. That sounds harsh and I don't mean for it to be. However, this is a life style change and there are stages where not following directions can lead to disaster. Also, if you can't adjust to the way you need to eat after the band the least you'll have to worry about is failure. Treat yourself good. This is a wonderful journey that you deserve. Vicki P.S. Again, I don't mean to sound harsh. I apologize if I do.

That's a crock. They may suggest and maybe strongly but they will do what you want. If you go in telling them that your major problem is sweets or that you're a grazer they will suggest the bypass. If you tell them you eat quantity they will be ok with the band. But it is your decision. Don't let them push you around.

I am 55 and have lost 116 lbs over the last 12.5 months. Keep the faith even we old ladies can loose at a good rate. <grin>

Thanks Heartfire! I'm going to have to tell my daughter to get back with the program. She has been waiting for them to start having some of the stuff done up here. The kids only have one car so it's hard for her to run down to SSF all the time. This is great news. Maybe by the time you guys have surgery they will do them in your areas too. Keep me posted on any new information so I can pass it on to her. I know that there is one person on another board that had orientation in January and was banded in early June. That's quicker than what they were projecting by the end of last year. Hopefully they will get this squared around. Glad I could be of help. I know that I got so frustrated while going through the program and was happy because I knew a couple of people who had gone through it prior and could give me a few tips. Let me know how your journey progresses. I'm thrilled with my band.

When I was going through the process in SSF last year, I asked if I could do my psych and nutritionalist appointments here in Roseville. They said no. I asked if I could pay for private appointments through a WLS psych and they said no. I was trying to get things to move faster. According to what I was told they will only work with the bariactric group at that hospital. Things could be different in the other two locations but call before you go through all the trouble and have to double your efforts. Some of the classes, especially the weekly ones were available for me in Sacramento. Some of the classes were in SSF. Again, call. All of this will be gone over in orientation. I also asked if we could choose our facility and at that time they said no. Loose your weight as quickly as possible AFTER orientation because they hate to see people not working hard. Yeah, they're all skinny and don't seem to realize that it is hard to do. They also view this as an elective surgery. If you want to see if you can move an appointment up, call frequently for cancellations. They don't call you. I had my psych appt cancelled because she was in jury duty and they wanted to put me 2 months out. I called and found out they had an appt the next week that they didn't tell me about. I got that one. The process seems lengthy when you're going through it but afterwards it's like birth and you forget the pain. LOL

I live in Penryn which is next to Auburn. I had my surgery on 12/12/07 and I'm very happy with it. I lost 70 pounds prior to surgery (while waiting) and have lost an additional 46 since surgery. With only 9 pounds to go until I reach goal, I find I have a little bit of a hard time staying focused. I'll loose it but I'm just not as driven to be really strict with myself. I'm extremely happy I did this as it has truly given me my life back.

Contact patient services and they will be able to tell you if they are doing the band. Also, contacting the bariactric department will get you information on the process. Good luck! Vicki

Papahemi - Congratulations on the beginning of your journey. The best advice I can give you (from a fellow SSF patient) is to follow your instructions and be patient. They will want you to loose around 10% of your current weight (+/-) and the sooner you do that the sooner you'll get your surgery. If you need to change an appointment, make sure to call in frequently for cancellations. They won't call you. I think that all three surgeons are good so there probably isn't anything to worry about there. Other than it taking a while to get through the process it is well worth it. Contact me if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to. Once again, congratulations on starting your new life. Vicki

Kelly - I am a Kaiser patient that went through SSF. The programs between the Kaisers are somewhat different but close enough to relate. The one thing that frustrated me when I was going through all the pre-op stuff was the fact that you had to be the squeeky wheel in order to find anything out like cancelled appointments. The staff was nice enough and in hindsight I wouldn't hesitate to do it all over again. Yes, it took 6 months for me to get through from orientation to surgery but it also only cost me $15 for the lapband. That's a pretty good trade off. We went through orientation and then they put us through the other appointments. One person told me that if nothing else came of this I would have the best physical I would ever have. It was a pretty good one. Kaiser views this as an elective surgery. Those of us who have been obese know that this is a very important surgery and don't think of it as elective. Hence, the reason for them feeling like it's non-urgent and us feeling like it is. They wanted me to loose 10% of my weight pre-surgery. I made sure that they wouldn't kick me out of the program if I lost more and proceeded to loose about 70 pounds by the time I had surgery. That was more than 50% of the weight I had to loose. They have you do this by putting you on a 1200 calorie diet. I had one person tell me that the more I succeeded the quicker I would get surgery. Well, I have to say I believe her because I was tentatively scheduled for Feb. 08 and was banded 12/12/07. Basically, it's the best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm now within 4 pounds of a "normal" body weight and 9 pounds from goal. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. Vicki

Hey everyone - What you're experiencing is normal. Our bodies tend to take a time out to readjust. Whenever this happens to me, if I've been following most of the rules most of the time, eventually I'll loose 2-4 pounds in one fell swoop. Then usually I'll bounce again. On another board we call this the "dead pound bounce". It seems it has to do it before we can get rid of it for good. As far as getting back on the wagon goes, you're already exercising and now you have to accept that you've made some bad choices and move on. Start journaling your foods and if you choose to eat something you normally wouldn't, plan it in. It seems that if you make it a choice and not a compulsion you have control and that makes it easier to have the amount you choose instead of it choosing you. You also don't beat yourself up because you made an informed decision. This last weekend I went out to dinner with my DH and a couple of friends for our 24th anniversary. I ate lobster, steak, salad, a baked potatoe, a roll, and cheesecake. Now, did I eat the whole thing? LOL - I couldn't if I had wanted to. BUT - I did have butter and sour cream on my potatoe, dipped my lobster in butter and by the way did I mention I had some cheesecake? But the amounts I ate were tiny. I ate my steak/lobster first (about 1 oz of lobster and 2.5 oz of steak) and then tasted everything else. It was a wonderful dinner. Now I'm not saying this because I think I'm so great. I'm saying this because I was happy with what I ate and I ate it while feeling in control because I decided this was what I was going to do. I learned a while back that the feeling of being out of control made me feel like I had failed. Choosing to do something left me in control and guilt free. We all have to live the rest of our lives with this way of life and we had better factor in that we are human. But isn't it great that we can live knowing if we eat that special something we aren't going to balloon up to where we were like someone stuck an air hose up our bums. Of course, that night I did dream that my son gained weight. LOL So first thing is to ease up on yourself. Second is if you're going to weigh yourself (I weigh daily) is not to run your life by it because it will continually move up and down. Third is to journal. I've been on this journey for a year now and I still journal if for no other reason so that I can go back and evaluate things. Fourth, give yourself permisson to be human. This isn't a race and a year from now you'll be overwhelmed because you've lost a ton of weight and are wearing smaller clothes than you would have thought possible. Finally, take your measurements because during these times you are usually loosing inches. Good luck on your journey.

Thank you all for your responses. I thought long and hard about what I would write today. So I sat down still undecided and just let it flow. I wish that the band had been around for him. Oh well, I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Patchelton - you're doing great and I'm glad you've decided to work with a little looser band. Reflux/heartburn is the main cause of esophagial cancer. Some people decided to just put up with it and that could have disasterous consequences. You're getting really close to goal and by your bandiversary should have been there for a while. Nance, I'm sorry to hear about your Mom. As with my Dad, I'm sure she is smiling down on you and is very proud. Thanks again everyone. I'm cheering all of you on. This is a fabulous journey (albeit w/some bumps) and I'm so glad I got to take it.

Well, one year ago today I started my journey towards a new life. I can't really call it my "bandiversary" because I didn't get banded until December 12, 2007. Sometimes I think it's funny because those of us who had to loose weight prior to surgery seem to almost appologize for loosing the weight without the band. LOL. I know I sat and spent a great deal of time deciding whether I should put that on my signature. Then I decided to be proud of it and it started at the beginning of my banding journey. I lost 70 lbs on the "pre-op" diet. 25 years ago I started Weight Watchers with my father. He had just had his second major heart attack and had struggled with obesity all of the life that I knew with him. I guess he was fit when he was younger. I started Weight Watchers mainly for him because I was so afraid of loosing him. I weighed 161 at the time. We had a great time together egging each other on. I can remember him telling me to go ahead and eat that cookie because he would kick my butt at the weigh in. Of course, he always did. I thought that it was because of his being a man and all. Unfortunately, he was diagnosed with esophigial cancer shortly after I made my lifetime membership. He spent the next 8 months fighting a loosing battle. One of the reasons I'm telling this story is because not long ago I put together the fact that he used to drink a bottle of Malox a day due to heart burn. Ok, I'm slow. But now everytime I read about someone having reflux due to a tight band I want to cry. Therefore, I've kept mine a little loose. I spent years believing that since I was "so like my father" that my life would be short too. I struggled with my weight as he did. We started Weight Watchers when he was 54. He died at 55. So when I started my journey it was really a major decission not only because of the risks involved in surgery or because as we all know it's a major change in life style but because I was 54. There were so many emotional issues to deal with that I had put on the back burner. I had done what my father asked of me and had taken care of the family for him and I had not taken care of me. It took me 5 years to even allow myself to cry over his death. Them first, me second. The can of worms I opened up created the preverbial flood gates to open. Not only did I have to deal with his death but buried feelings from child abuse, rape, 2 bad marriages, and a multitude of other things. I knew this was going to be an "uncloaking". Most of this I have kept to myself. My husband knows about ALL of it and he's there when I need to open up to someone or just a quiet set of understanding arms to melt into and weep. He has been my rock. But I've gotten to a place where finding a quiet spot on my property, putting my IPod on and just sitting and reflecting seems to be the best. Somedays I find myself talking to my Dad and others I just reflect on how much of life I missed being cloaked. Sometimes I sit and picture my children small again and playing in the pond or riding horses or motorcycles all around me. I hear their laughter again. I find peace. Sometimes I face the sadness and insecurities of my life. Sometimes I feel strength. I've done a lot of reflecting. I regret being someone who felt like they had to hide. Yeah, I know, I shouldn't be ashamed. In a way I'm not, I just regret it and accept it now as something I had to go through. But I'm proud of myself now and I have a sense of security that I've yearned for all my life. Funny how something as simple as loosing weight and throwing off the cloak can do that. Yeah, Dad would be proud and no it wasn't simple. I know now that even as I get close to my goal at....age 55....I'm not going to die because I've lost weight. I know, that's completely stupid and irrational but that's how I felt. I know that's not why he died. I know that he didn't die because I instigated him going to Weight Watchers and loosing weight. I know I miss him. I knew there was a reason I didn't wear my makeup to work today <grin, sniff>. I want to thank all of you for your posts and stories. They have helped me through this year. I don't post a lot but I do appreciate all of your struggles as well as your accomplishments. You armed me with the knowledge I need to be a success. This year has been a grand adventure and has opened up so many doors. I feel strong, I feel confident, I feel successful. So here's to the many years we have all gained and will gain. <clink> To those of your thinking about joining the journey, do SOMETHING to save your life. To those of you who are on this journey and it seems slow, you've got a lifetime to get there. To those of you who are tight, GET IT ADJUSTED NOW. And to those of you who have reached goal, I'm almost there and will be hopefully joining you soon. Life is indeed beautiful! Vicki 12/12/08 highest/now/goal 265/152/140?