I'm Being A Hypocrite, Aren't I?

[minaleigh 95]

I feel so bad. Okay, I joined two dating sites, match.com and okcupid (which was recommended by a friend). You see, I've been overweight since I was 9. My teenage years were spent alone at home, unless I had extracurricular activities, and not out and about like normal teenagers.

I've had two (maybe) boyfriends:

One in junior high and freshman year of high school. I don't really count him since we acted more like friends than anything. He's my best friend now.

The other I met online. We started out as friends but eventually he asked me out. Thing is, he lived in California when I lived in Illinois. We met once when he flew to see me graduate. We broke up right before I was flying out to see him because I found out he was cheating on me. Let's just say he doesn't count either.

Now to the real point of this post...

Problem is that even though I've had two guys in my life... I've never been on a date! I'm so socially awkward, it's scary. I feel so over my head. Well, I started talking to this one guy from the site. We're going to the movies on Tuesday. But also... he's big. I feel so bad... He seems nice, if a bit needy, but he seems... unhealthy? I just didn't have the heart or confidence to say no. It's not like I have real experience when it comes to dating. But that's why I feel so bad! I am being shallow! I am acting the same way others did when they saw me. No one wanted to date "the fat girl." No one gave me a chance because of my weight.

I am being a total hypocrite.

[Katie713 423]

Just have an open mind, you can change your perspective by putting yourself in his shoes because I'm sure most of us have at one time hated being judged by looks alone. Just have some fun, see how it goes.

[StormWarning 194]

ok so you may think you are being a hypocrite, and this is/can be a touchy subject. But we are all here for one reason right? To become Healthy. To extend the length of our lives, to do things we havent done in a very long time or to do things we have never done before. To have faith/confidence in ourselves etc.

That being said I can relate to your feelings about not being able to say no, knowing how it felt for you with all those rejections. But on the other side, you are on your way to becoming a healthier person. Please don't hate me for this, cause I am big too.. But you have to ask yourself, Do I want to go down that road again, and possibly be tempted to leave my healthier ways. Do I want to worry about the health of my loved one day after day knowing the dangers he will face if he keeps the weight on.

There is no harm in starting a relationship if thats where you feel its headed. Who knows, maybe you will be a guiding light for himself to become healthier. Either way, there are going to be some concerns on both your ends. Best of luck in your decision. I really hope I haven't come across rude, this is just really a tough post as either thought can be considered wrong.

[CaliKat 153]

Good on you for putting yourself out there!!!

Can I put my two cents in here (as I am a professional matchmaker & dating coach)?

Girl..... You need to get out there and DATE!!! Meet men of all shapes and sizes, men of all interests and activities and have some fun with it! Its OK to get to know someone and not fall in love with them. Besides.... You need dating practice and isnt it better to test-drive men that you arent a bumbling drooling gaga girl over?

You dont owe one iota of explanation or shouldnt feel obligated if there is no attraction (you cant force chemistry) but you should be up front with the men by saying something to the effect of "im so glad we can be friends and perhaps we can help each other navigate the crazy world of dating."

Enjoy this time in your life, go getcha groove on and dont worry.... We all have to kiss a few frogs before we found our princes!!

[Marty McSkinnystein 342]

Not to be insensitive to him but it sounds like good dating practice.

So have some fun, let him know in a subtle way that's your intention and enjoy yourself on ONE date. It doesn't have to be more than that unless you choose.

And, like you said, it's been a while, so get back in the swing.

[Marty McSkinnystein 342]

That's funny we said the same thing at same time with totally diff. words.

[iegal 460]

Hmmm. Two sides here. You need the practice of dating someone, he deserves honesty that you are not attracted.

Like CaliKat's advice. IMO go on the date, keeping it light. Who knows what can happen, right? Maybe you can inspire him (non verbally - just by your enthusiasm for life) to get healthy too.

Now, get out there and have a blast.

PS - you were always worthy of a date and were always beautiful pre VSG. Just now with the weight off you believe this because you project this beauty..

[Oregondaisy 2,020]

You can't help who you're attracted to. Online dating can be fun and a real pain, too. It took me 5 years of meeting a lot of weirdos, as well as nice guys who I just wasn't attracted to, but I finally found me man I've been with for the last year.

You should also look at profies at plentyoffish.com. You can always hide your profile and just look around. If someone interests you, drop them a friendly "Hi"

As for this guy, go out with him and if you decide you don't want to see him again, just tell him he's a wonderful guy, but you didn't feel the spark you feel you need to continue a relationship.

Keep practice dating, and you'll find the person who is just right for you!

[former_vbg 198]

I share some of the same challenges in terms of being single and feeling like being a hypocrite. I also have another perspective I wanted to share that I think you might want to think about.

I had a different WLS 15 years ago, the gastric banded gastroplasty. I actually did pretty well, and about the 160# mark I met someone. I was in my late 20's and although I had dated some prior to that, it had been many years at that point since I had been in a serious relationship. I got immediately sucked in by all the feelings a person experiences when they have the attention of another person paying attention to you. I was feeling great with my transformation and all the attention I was getting.

Here is the problem. He wasn't really all that overweight, a potbelly, but he had horrible eating habits. A few months into the relationship I did tell him I had had WLS, and expressed that I really needed to start eating better. I was constantly tempted around foods that were not going to help me stay on track. It wasn't that he wasn't supportive of ME doing it, but he had no intentions of changing his ways which in a way I guess isn't totally out of line. It would have been nice if he would have taken some steps to improve his eating habits while we were together, but he didn't seem all that affected by his poor lifestyle choices.

Moral of the story, I ended up regaining about 30# in that relationship that lasted about 2 years. I'm not blaming him, but I'm just going to say that being around someone who doesn't share your same healthy lifestyle habits is like drinking in front of an alcoholic everyday. That's pretty tough, ESPECIALLY when someone is still trying to get to goal or even at maintenance.

I have tried some online dating at this point, and although I'm not now due to my busy schedule- because of that experience I just mentioned, one of my criterias when dating is that it isn't about what they look like as much as their lifestyle habits. Ok, so logic says if they aren't at a healthy weight then their eating/ exercise habits may not be great which is quite possible but not always. I will not get in another relationship where the other person does not already practice healthy lifestyle choices. That doesn't mean I expect or even want someone who is a gym rat- that doesn't appeal to me either.

Think about what you need to support you in your life goals and this should include your desire to reach or maintain your goal weight. It's not hypocritical in my opinion to turn down being in a relationship with someone who is overweight because I'm not turning them down because of their weight but because I don't think they are healthy for me. I hear periodically of situations where people start dating and they become motivated by that other person to become healthier as well. They have to want to do it for themselves or it won't last, but I guess I'm just saying don't be afraid to set your own standards and stick to them.

I also concur with the others about just dating to have fun. You can find a way to slide into the conversation that you haven't been dating in awhile and just want to meet a bunch of people right now so that he knows up front that you aren't interested in getting serious. This way if he asks you out again, he won't automatically assume it has as much to do with his looks as it might be that you are out "shopping" around.

Have fun with it!!

I wanted to add one last thing here. I ended up regaining a bunch more later on, but because I had already regained approximately 30#, I got into a really bad pattern that I wasn't able to stop. Don't let this happen to you!

Edited July 12, 2012 by former_vbg

[Kiki Von Moonshine 53]

I didn't read all the responses but if I'm not attracted to a person whether large or small I just can't date them. I refuse to date a guy whether skinny or bigger with bad eating habits. I don't have a problem with junk food here and there but to just eat crap ALL the time is bad. I had an ex who would eat loads of meat, and thought that was "manly."

[angelakay2 117]

I agree with those who say you need the practice. I would maybe suggest going dutch if you KNOW you are not interested. Also, I agree that you cannot help who you are attracted to and who you are not but this could end up being your best friend. You just don't ever know! Good luck and get out there!!

[Lissa 2,631]

You're doing what my girlfriends and I call "Ebay dating". Not everything you find there is going to be perfect for you, but you can learn something about the process from every encounter.

Go on the date, enjoy your activity (dinner, movie, etc) and have some nice conversation. Go into it with the attitude that you'll make a new friend and you'll have a good time. If there is chemistry, that's fine. If not, that's fine too.

It's okay if you aren't attracted to big men or short men or guys with gages in their ears. Everyone's preferences are different... I went on a date recently with a guy who likes his women BIG. He honestly told me that I'm not really big enough for him, so we haven't had a second date. I wasn't offended by his candor, although I did wonder where he was at when I was bigger! LOL

Dating is an audition process. Just make sure they are auditioning for you, not the other way around!

[FishingNurse 1,210]

I met a man on match.com 4 years ago (pre-op) and at first I wasn't attracted to him one bit physically, His personality was fantastic. So he charmed me into a date, and then another, and then another, And I fell so hard for him! We even were engaged. (I was 250lbs at the time) Since we have broken up because he didn't want kids and I do, (and I am with my dream man now who does want kids !! :-) ) My point is give him a chance!!! You might fall in love and be very happy!

[Catracks 865]

I'm so glad I don't have to date anymore. I hated it. It's funny, but back when I was last dating I was not overweight, but on the high side of "normal." I still got rejected for not being skinny enough. One guy actually said, "Size 6 is a bit too chunky for me." Another guy said that he really liked super skinny Asian women.

Real winners.

Then I met my husband ( I met him on Love@AOL way back when). He loved me thin or fat. He supported me in this surgery only because we couldn't hike or do outdoors things. I was also getting sick.

Now. This isn't hypocrisy. We know how we look and looked as obese people. We know how unhealthy it is.

It would just seem to me that we are embracing a lifestyle that does not primarily focus on food. Dating for my husband and I was 10 mile hikes, bike rides, horseback rides and kayaking. Now it's finally that way again and I could kick myself for missing the last 6 years of my life.

I don't think I'd want to go back to a food focused lifestyle. I wouldn't have anything in common with it. Is this small of me?

[Catracks 865]

I had to add my 2 cents on the needy thing. I met a wonderful man some years back that seemed to adore me. He was well-to-do, had his own place in Costa Rica and treated me well.

One thing. He was very needy and seemed to latch onto me immediately. He called multiple times daily. You'd think a single girl would eat that up.

Well, if sort of freaked me out a bit. I felt horrible, but I had to say no to him. It was the hardest thing to do - to tell someone that you are not interested.

My to be husband came on the scene and he was confident and fun. I guess needy scares me a bit personally.