Question...

I was previously 252lbs. I have noticed that super sized bandsters refer to us as lower BMI folks. While that does wonders for my ego, I also realize that means you merely have farther to go than we do. We don't typically consider ourselves lower BMI, we consider ourselves higher BMI, regardless of comparisons.

So my question... do you take us seriously? Do we have the same/similar issues to you? What can you teach me about higher BMI folks? What differences are there? Please understand, I am a nurse. I am ALWAYS looking for ways to relate to my patients and I suddenly realize, I may not relate to my fellow fatties the way I thought I did. So, I need an education.

Do you feel like the fat girl/guy walking in a room?

Do you feel like people stare at you because you are a fattie?

Do you not fit in an airplane seat either?

Do people turn their noses up at you too?

I guess I need an education in HOW it is different. Yes, different on a scale... I get that. But I really, sincerely, want to understand HOW it is different for you vs. me. I think some issues are similar, I assume some are not. I want to understand so please teach me.

I swear with all my heart, this is a sincere question. I value my skills in being able to step into the shoes of another, feel what they feel, I am a fantastic nurse because I can do this. Anyone with clinical knowledge can do that clinical stuff, I want to be good on a human level. Maybe I'm missing something this time and I want to know and fully understand what I am missing. If I am missing something, I need to learn.

I answer lots of questions on these boards but I ask just as many questions as I answer because I want to understand.

What can you teach me that will benefit me and my patients?

I was 5'2 and 358. BMI of 68 when I got banded. To me, the difference in 250 and 350 was both physical and emotional. Emotionally, there are a LOT of people who are 250. A lot. So you're not alone in your fatness. At 350, there was very rarely someone in the room my size or larger. Almost never. Emotionally, that's hard to accept.

This is what i would've thought although i guess i wasnt SMO at a BMI or 44-45...i would say that what JulieNYC said makes sense. It's like what most of us have been through who hear people say that they fight to lose 10-15 even 20's pounds....to me anyways it's annoying, i'm like -IT'S NOT THE SAME THING!!!!! So i guess in that sense having to lose 130 pounds (me) and having to lose 250+ or whatever pounds is not the same.

From what i've seen we share the same issues just to a different degree. And more so than people who are lower on the BMI scale. But either way, losing weight is tough.

As a "lower BMI bandster" I've never thought for a moment that I faced the same journey. The health and fitness I enjoyed even as an obese person was a blessing and made my journey that much easier. The fact that I never became super morbidly obese was because my obesity was due to lifestyle factors - the typical weight gain that happens when you have kids, stop work etc. I wasnt just piling on more and more pounds, I'd reached max fatness and held it for a few years before I got banded. I didnt have anything like the headwork to do, anything like the dysfunctional eating to battle and absolutely none of the emotional scarring to heal.

I've never not fit in a movie seat, a booth, an aeroplane seat. I got banded becuase I was worried about my ankle, yes, but more so because I didnt like the way I looked. It was totally a decision based on vanity.

I've never tried to pretend I totally understand what others are going through, I'm sure actually my "just do it" attitude has at times been insensitive even, because honestly, when people post that they need more and more restriction or they've gained or they cant stop eating chocolate, I really do just marvel that they've gone so far as to have surgery and they STILL cant control themselves? I know that I just dont get it.

I try to be respectful of it as a journey totally different to mine and I hope that that works in reverse and people understand that a little bit of weight is much easier to tackle than a lot so why the hell not do it now before it gets even harder?

I guess it's just different degrees. Someone with a 6 month sentence, a 20 year sentence, a life sentence and a death sentence are all in prison, but it's different in its degree of hope.

I always feel that there's normal fat and then there's me- freak of nature. I guess lower BMI bandsters were once a normal size. It must hurt so much to have that taken away and become fat. I've always been fat so I can't imagine.

I went for a fill the other day and there were 10 others at various stages but 5 newly banded. I was the biggest even in that room. I want to be 'not the biggest' just once (not that I would wish anyone to be bigger than I am).

I was the fattest in every grade in school, the fattest at university, the fattest in every workplace, the biggest in the world so I thought. See that I don't even have a ticker? That's how much shame I have about what I look like.

People don't treat you well. They avoid you in group situations and try to get as far away as possible. They sense we're not right.

You have to be really intelligent and work very hard to get a fair go. Basically, you feel like a social pariah and barely human. It's almost as though I am observing the human race and its behaviour but I am not allowed to be a part of it.

They don't sell as many plus sizes in Australia as in the US, so to look decent for work, I could only fit into the largest men's size available (7XL). I just knew that I couldn't work if I put on any more weight at all yet I know if not for the band, it would have kept going up.

Apart from absolutely having to work, my only saving grace is that I stopped eating meat or dairy years ago. Otherwise, I'd be on a Jerry Springer episode being hauled out by a crane.

I often wonder what it is that made me so different. I now finally feel that I'm clawing my way back to 'human' status. It feels serendipitious as I was so fearful that it would go the other way and I'd hit 400 and beyond. Now my BMI is under 50, I am more human that fat. I can feel my positivity slowly creeping back. I now feel that some of my and dreams will finally be fulfilled. I'm only 31 and I now have hope for the years ahead, though I can barely dare to believe it. I'm not going to be immobile and die before I'm 40.

I'm all for lower BMI bandsters. They have to do it or they may become like us. You think you wouldn't get beyond a certain point but you can and could.

Since being on this site, I have quite a few people as heavy or even much heavier than I am. I can relate more to these people's experiences because we share a terrible secret and it's so heartbreakingly wonderful to know we're not alone in this. There are other people who have to work this hard at life and face the fact that we are responsible for our self-imposed prison.

I don't know if that is quite what you were asking but it felt good to write those words. I don't think I have suffered any more than anyone else on this board, I just have a special affinity for the 50BMI + ones. We have so much more to gain.

No one has anything against lower BMI bandsters. We want to be one of them!

well theres different levels.

quote]

Lizrbit, I have a question about your signature. You indicated that your band had a leak? How does that happen? I was just banded yesterday and I'm wondering if a leak can be caused or just is the result of a faulty band. Thanks, Cherrybomb.

What an interesting thread Wasa. Although I will wander off topic a little, I felt I needed to respond to some of the comments/opinions. I started this journey at 234 lbs, and although my BMI was not morbidly high, it does put me into the severely obese category. 234 pounds to some people may be what their goal weight is, but to me, the 80lbs I need to lose, truly feels equivalent to the 100+ that someone else needs to lose. Although the the difference seems significant, my feelings are no different. I have struggled my whole life, have never felt that I was beautiful. I have never looked in the mirror and liked who was looking back at me. I have backed down from people and situations for fear that I would be insulted about my weight. I have avoided people that I see in the grocery store or shopping mall and have turned and went the other way. I have lied about going to family functions to avoid seeing people from my past for fear of how I look. I have not attended any school functions with my children for fear of embarrasement that my children will suffer. I have never been naked in front of my husband (we have been together for 16 years in January), and I have never swam in a pool with my children (My son is 14 and daughter is 10). Please understand that I am not trying to come off as some sort of head case. If you were to meet me, you would probably assume that I was no different than your next door neighbour. I tend to be extremenly friendly and compassionate ... probably to compensate for my being overweight, and the fear that you may not like me because I am so big.

Arghhhhhhhhhh, as I read this over, I feel like I did not make my point clear enough. I just can't stress enough that regardless of how high or low our BMI is, it is such an individual decision. At the end of the day, I think that our struggles surrounding obesity are all so familiar to each and everyone of us. This is why I have spent so much time lurking around this site, and decided that I wanted to become a part of it. Each person, whether their BMI is 30 or 50, male of female, young or young at heart, has so much to contribute. As I read each post, I come away with so much information, and I respect each person for their contribution .... but in the end, I feel that we are all the same .... all in this together.:kiss2:

I sometimes wonder if it would be easier or harder for me if I had been normal size at any time during my formative teen years, on forward. These are of course only my personal feelings, but on occasion I think about how many of you mention that you were 120lbs in HS or 115 when you married, etc. and you just can't stand the way you look now and how much you've changed. I find myself thinking you have no idea...I have NEVER been a normal weight since I was 9 years old. That is a terrible way to think, I know. Is your struggle easier than mine? No! But I'm being honest.

I think to myself that at least you've experienced life at a normal weight.

At least you've had the experience of going into a store and having someone come right over and help you.

You've had occasion to not worry about which way to walk through a crowd or through a restaurant so that you don't bump against someone or have to squeeze through.

You've ridden public transportation and not had someone look at you in disgust when they had to squeeze next to you in a seat.

You've not had someone look at you with disdain because you are sweating after running to catch a bus or a cab.

You've probably flown without worrying that someone will have to move out of their seat to let you out to the restroom (I won't go on a plane, I am afraid of not fitting in the bathroom). Some of you have joined the mile high club, I can't fathom that.

You've had the experience of shopping at a regular store for clothes or shoes or swimsuits, maybe you were able to get your wedding dress off the rack.

You've stood up in weddings, I haven't. I think sometimes it is because some brides worry about the appearance of their pictures, some don't want a fat bridesmaid in them. Some don't want to limit which dresses they choose for their maids to something available in plus-size. Some don't want a fat girl in a strapless dress.

You've had sex and been on top without worrying that you'll crush a guy's pelvis.

You've had sex and not been mortified when your stomach rolls smacked against each other and made that horrible sound.

You've not had some man make a comment about how huge your thighs are when he starts to "go down there" (that ruins ANY chance for having a good time, let me tell you).

Maybe you have been lucky enough not to have your heart broken after you fall in love with a gay man because that's the only man who will give you attention and affection.

I cannot remember being thin. I have been smaller than I am now, so I still have the issues with running into someone I knew years ago when I was merely obese, not super morbidly obese. I put on almost 100lbs since I've met my DH nearly 9 years ago. My 20th HS reunion is coming up and I still think about how much I've gained since HS. I see the Slimfast commercials where someone wants to lose thirty or fifty pounds for their reunion and I laugh. I was a 22 in HS, I probably weighed in the low 200's. I'm in the 300's now. I was near 400 about eight months ago.

So I do still have some of the issues that those who were at one time thin struggle with, too.

I am sure it's hard on folks who married thin and then have gained a lot of weight over the years. I know that there are spouses out there (men and women) who make comments about how their mates have let themselves go, and that's painful. I'm fortunate my DH has not said one word about my weight gain. But my previous love did. He told me about how his previous long-time love had gained from 130-280 over the course of their relationship and then he said he didn't want me to gain an ounce (I was about 250 then). When we split he said he was grossed out by my gain (about 20lbs) and disappointed that I wasn't still going to the gym like I was at the beginning of our relationship. He was 400lbs himself!

Now I certainly have not sat back and been a wallflower. I am a very in-your-face type of person, I have the ability to be an extrovert, or be somewhat introverted. I never did let my weight stop me from doing much. I used to dive, I loved coasters (until I did get too large to fit), I travel. I am one of those life of the party types. I can go to a gathering not knowing a soul and walk out with two or three lunch dates and a few new friends. I guess that's a good thing, hopefully as I lose weight and get closer to whatever "normal" will be for me, I will not change. I do not want to become a different person. I do worry about that, though.

One of my friends here said in one of her posts that her DH knew her thin, didn't like her fat, and is now treating her like shit because she's losing the weight he wanted her to! That he knew who she was at all stages and that she hasn't changed. For those who like her met their mates at a normal weight, I think the transition *might* be a little easier, unless a situation like hers arises. But how are my DH and I going to handle it when my exterior begins to transform into someone he's never met? He's certainly larger than he was 15 years ago, but there are pictures, I'd recognize him at 165lbs like I recognize him at 235lbs. There are no pictures of me at a normal weight, I will be a different appearing person. I don't want that change to affect me/us in a negative fashion.

I work with a woman who is 112lbs and is doing Weight Watchers to lose 2lbs. She is devastated that she can't get back to 110lbs. She has 3 children. I am sure her struggle is a real one to her, I would never poo poo her difficulty. But it is NOT the same as mine. No one's struggles are the same as the next person. I don't think you can categorize what anyone goes through.

I guess it's just different degrees. Someone with a 6 month sentence, a 20 year sentence, a life sentence and a death sentence are all in prison, but it's different in its degree of hope.

I always feel that there's normal fat and then there's me- freak of nature. I guess lower BMI bandsters were once a normal size. It must hurt so much to have that taken away and become fat. I've always been fat so I can't imagine.

I went for a fill the other day and there were 10 others at various stages but 5 newly banded. I was the biggest even in that room. I want to be 'not the biggest' just once (not that I would wish anyone to be bigger than I am).

I was the fattest in every grade in school, the fattest at university, the fattest in every workplace, the biggest in the world so I thought. See that I don't even have a ticker? That's how much shame I have about what I look like.

People don't treat you well. They avoid you in group situations and try to get as far away as possible. They sense we're not right.

You have to be really intelligent and work very hard to get a fair go. Basically, you feel like a social pariah and barely human. It's almost as though I am observing the human race and its behaviour but I am not allowed to be a part of it.

They don't sell as many plus sizes in Australia as in the US, so to look decent for work, I could only fit into the largest men's size available (7XL). I just knew that I couldn't work if I put on any more weight at all yet I know if not for the band, it would have kept going up.

Apart from absolutely having to work, my only saving grace is that I stopped eating meat or dairy years ago. Otherwise, I'd be on a Jerry Springer episode being hauled out by a crane.

I often wonder what it is that made me so different. I now finally feel that I'm clawing my way back to 'human' status. It feels serendipitious as I was so fearful that it would go the other way and I'd hit 400 and beyond. Now my BMI is under 50, I am more human that fat. I can feel my positivity slowly creeping back. I now feel that some of my and dreams will finally be fulfilled. I'm only 31 and I now have hope for the years ahead, though I can barely dare to believe it. I'm not going to be immobile and die before I'm 40.

I'm all for lower BMI bandsters. They have to do it or they may become like us. You think you wouldn't get beyond a certain point but you can and could.

Since being on this site, I have quite a few people as heavy or even much heavier than I am. I can relate more to these people's experiences because we share a terrible secret and it's so heartbreakingly wonderful to know we're not alone in this. There are other people who have to work this hard at life and face the fact that we are responsible for our self-imposed prison.

I don't know if that is quite what you were asking but it felt good to write those words. I don't think I have suffered any more than anyone else on this board, I just have a special affinity for the 50BMI + ones. We have so much more to gain.

No one has anything against lower BMI bandsters. We want to be one of them!

I have read your post three times. I have no words. I just don't. I'd be a liar to pretend I do.

Thank you, this is what I am looking for.

...I work with a woman who is 112lbs and is doing Weight Watchers to lose 2lbs. She is devastated that she can't get back to 110lbs. She has 3 children. I am sure her struggle is a real one to her, I would never poo poo her difficulty. But it is NOT the same as mine. No one's struggles are the same as the next person. I don't think you can categorize what anyone goes through.

I think this is another point I was looking for in my OP. The actual differences. I think all we fatties believe we have it the worst. In reality, we lower BMIs don't have a clue. Well, maybe we do have a clue but that is all it is, a clue.

As I was reading your post I was thinking about being on an airplane. I vowed to myself to sit next to the fattest person on the plane just because I won't look at them funny, I won't look at them in disgust, I won't do any of those things because I have a hint of what it is like. Do I fully relate to a 400+ pound person? Nope, but I have a bit of a clue.

I don't know, I have been as honest as I know how to be on this board. Writing just isn't my forte. I don't know how to put my thoughts into words on a computer monitor, it's not my skill.

Suffice it to say, I have learned from this thread.

I know, Insubordination, your post brought tears to my eyes. That must have taken a lot of courage to put out there.

I really feel that it has more to do with how an individual feels in their own head. I was thin, married at 98lbs (banded at 230) but hated the way I looked at 98. I thought my legs were too fat, not firm enough etc. I remember my doctor giving me a hard time for gaining 6 lbs after I quit smoking and was pregnant. He said you cannot keep gaining this way, I was 113 lbs. I thought I was huge! I never felt comfortable in my own skin!!! It is something I have to work on. So I guess my message is that even though some of us weren't the largest person in class etc, some of us have felt awful in the same class as you although it did not show on the outside as much.

I am not looking for sympathy if that is what it sounds like....we all have our own head issues and weight issues. I just think that we have to understand that whatever the weight is (yes even the person who wants to lose 5 lbs) it is their own struggle. I know that if I had not been banded, the scale would have continued to go up so I relate to the higher BMI's

I am not sure if I actually captured what I wanted to get across but I tried.

We should all be proud of our success!

I vowed to myself to sit next to the fattest person on the plane just because I won't look at them funny, I won't look at them in disgust, I won't do any of those things because I have a hint of what it is like.

Wasa

I'm really not looking for a fight, and I KNOW your heart is in the right place, but I find this ODD.

It is as if you are taking on the fight of the SMO, because you want to be super sympathtic. Truely as a SMO person at one time, I'd prefer you leave that seat empty so I could spill over into it.

SMO want to be treated normal, not as "special" and not ignored.

You get props for having an "aha" moment, realizing there is a difference in how the world treats the SMO, and I'll give you props for reclaiming the language and using the word "fatties"...but I get the impression that you want to be a one woman team to avenge the wrongs society has done agains SMOs.

Bless your heart. But the cautionary side of that is gaining the trust of a SMO, and going down the "I've not been there, but I feel your pain" road with a stranger on the plane might not be recieved like you expect it should.

I expect I'm not communicating this clearly, but I'm giving it a shot.

I feel allot like Insub. I do remember being a small child (before school) and ppl saying that I was too skinny!! That is the LAST time anyone has ever said that to/about me! When I was 13 or so I was sharing my mom's clothes and shoes!! Talk about feeling like a freak! My dad was an evangelist (traveling minister) so I was constantly meeting new ppl which has always been hard for me! There was one time I remember being with this one family who invited us to eat supper with them and I was freaking out because they had 3 daughters all who were VERY thin! So I barely ate anything at supper but when I got home I ate like 2 -3 bowls of Fruit loops because I was still so hungry!

I was 386 when I started my pre-op diet so yeah I can relate with the feeling of OMG I don't want to be 400!! My heart goes out to ppl who are SMO because I feel their pain! Yes I have the emotional issues and some physical ones as well!

I am so thankful that I have the most wonderful husband in the world who loves me the way I am but is still encouraging me to do better and keep up the good work! I have lost less than 40lb total and he is already calling me "his skinny girl"! When we got married I weighed 300 I was 250ish when we met so he does know me a LITTLE thinner than I am but he is in for a BIG (ummm little) surprise when I get down to my goal of 150-165!! I can't wait to show that ME to him! He is my daily inspiration!

This thread has been awesome to read. To read so many experiences similar to mine has helped so much. I'm trying to rededicate myself to this journey and this is inspiring.

I agree. This thread has been an eye opener for me. Thank you all, for opening up to us...it took great courage and strength.

We call you lower BMI because we are comparing you to us. Speaking for myself I do not think that "lower BMI" people have it any easier it is just a difference in perspective and frame of reference and quite truthfully there is a little bit of jealousy. Hindsight is 20/20 but I wish that I had jumped on it and taken care of my weight when I "only" weighed 250.

This is how I explained it to a friend of mine and I think in a previous thread. I have been in your shoes but you have never been in mine (and hopefully won't!). I have been 250 lbs. and felt uncomfortable walking into a roomful of strangers, on an airplane, shopping for clothes, etc. But at 385 those experiences went from uncomfortable and midly embarassing to absolutely humiliating.

I know I may be rambling - it is late. One of my children was born at 24 weeks and spent 3 1/2 months in the hospital, coded several times and her very life hung in the balance for quite a long time. A very good friend of mine had a son that was a sluggish feeder and wasn't keeping his temperature up very well so he had to spend 4 days in the NICU. She was terrified for her son and rightly so. I am not trying to take anything from her experience because mine was so much more harrowing. It was terrifying for her because that was her only frame of reference. I understood the fear that she felt because I had been there but she really couldn't understand what we had been through - not completely.

So to you 250 pounds is really fat and the same as a "higher BMI" bandster but from my point of view you are only spending 4 days in the NICU and I will be there 3 1/2 months. We can support each other but our journey is a lot different.