female only The D word

[lostalot 0]

I want to see a counselor about this but cant afford one, so I was hoping maybe I could get some advice from those who may have gone thru with what I am feeling.

I had surgery about 2 years ago, I have lost over 100 lbs. My husband and I have been married 3 years- no children.

We have been together for about 10years.

I dont feel attracted to him anymore, I dont feel happy with him and it almost puts me in physical pain when he touches me.

Is this because I have lost so much weight? Hes not a Big guy, he is a little overweight but not much.

I can't just up and leave, thats not my style. And I dont think I could ever put someone thru such misery. Plus we have a lot of "finances" together. Please help if anyone else has been thru this I would love some advice.

[ParrotheadCathy 0]

A lot of people experience feelins like this, but not all for the same reason. Yeah, it could be weight loss related but it could be something totally different. You say you can't afford a counselor. Are you active in your church? Would you feel comfortable discussing this with your pastor? They are trained in counseling in seminary.

If not, why don't you really have a soul search? Write down what good things there are about him.... like, is he emotionally supportive? is he considerate of the feelings of others (not just you)? is he reliable? is he TOO predictable?

Are you suffering from stress related to finances? A lot of us are these days and that can take the shine off pretty darned quick!

In short, examine the good and the bad. Niobody's gonna see your list but you so be brutally honest. And try to examine the negatives and see if you see them in yourself too.

Marriage is a constant job. It never does really run on auto pilot. So maybe now is just a rough spot.

[lostalot 0]

A lot of people experience feelins like this, but not all for the same reason. Yeah, it could be weight loss related but it could be something totally different. You say you can't afford a counselor. Are you active in your church? Would you feel comfortable discussing this with your pastor? They are trained in counseling in seminary.

If not, why don't you really have a soul search? Write down what good things there are about him.... like, is he emotionally supportive? is he considerate of the feelings of others (not just you)? is he reliable? is he TOO predictable?

Are you suffering from stress related to finances? A lot of us are these days and that can take the shine off pretty darned quick!

In short, examine the good and the bad. Niobody's gonna see your list but you so be brutally honest. And try to examine the negatives and see if you see them in yourself too.

Marriage is a constant job. It never does really run on auto pilot. So maybe now is just a rough spot.

The list is a great idea, then again I think he's not a bad husband infact hes good husband faithful, caring, supportive...all that good stuff...

I stopped going to church when we started dating so no I dont have a pastor anymore :thumbup:

I think, Im just not attracted to him anymore...I mean shouldnt you want your husband to kiss you to hold your hand to make love to you? I dont want any of that from him. And unfortunately this isnt the first time I have felt like this...I just start to feeling really bad about it and push it all away....

[crzytchr 3]

The list is a great idea, then again I think he's not a bad husband infact hes good husband faithful, caring, supportive...all that good stuff...

I stopped going to church when we started dating so no I dont have a pastor anymore :thumbup:

I think, Im just not attracted to him anymore...I mean shouldnt you want your husband to kiss you to hold your hand to make love to you? I dont want any of that from him. And unfortunately this isnt the first time I have felt like this...I just start to feeling really bad about it and push it all away....

Do you not feel this way at all, or just not about him? Think about it, because you may have a hormonal imbalance from the large amount of weight loss. Estrogen is stored in our fat and it may have something to do with your change in your sex drive.

[lostalot 0]

crzytchr--I have never had much of a sex drive. So, that part for me hasnt really changed. BUT I do believe its just him, I havent had an affair but I have found myself fantasizing and what not about another man. I know that its wrong and I have distanced myself from that situation but thats what kinda helped me to discern that it was really about him--because I thought a first too it was my hormones and I am still planning on seeing my GYN in january and will discuss some of my concerns then...

[lostalot 0]

I just have heard so much about ppl getting divorced after wt loss surgery, I really don't want to become a statistic you know?

The big concern I have is I have broken it off with him before for a lot of the same reasons and we eventually got back together, now Im wondering if I shouldnt have stuck with how I felt back then.

Its so difficult because I can't really talk to my friends because they're all his friends too.

[FemmeOne 0]

I've been married for 20 years, and have gone through periods where I couldn't stand my husband, didn't want him to touch me, and so on. We've had our ups and downs and have come close to divorce a couple times.

Over a long relationship, though, it seems that you can fall in and our of love with your husband. In the past few years, I've fallen back in love with mine, and now I'm so glad that I didn't leave.

Just my 2 cents.

[lostalot 0]

I've been married for 20 years, and have gone through periods where I couldn't stand my husband, didn't want him to touch me, and so on. We've had our ups and downs and have come close to divorce a couple times.

Over a long relationship, though, it seems that you can fall in and our of love with your husband. In the past few years, I've fallen back in love with mine, and now I'm so glad that I didn't leave.

Just my 2 cents.

Thanks! We've never come close to divorce, while we were dating we did split up once and I do go thru times where I want to be alone. But I'm working on seeing if this will get better.

I've just noticed myself noticing others a lot more if you catch my drift.

Even caught myself emotionally invovled with someone and telling him what was going wrong in my life- ended that. I needed someone to talk to but it shouldn't have been anther man.

[The Big Boy 1]

Pardon me for intruding into the powder Room, but I was trolling and thought I would put my two cents in as the lesser sex. When my wife (then fiancée) and I were going through our pre marriage counseling that our church "encouraged" us to take, the minister said something that has stuck with me the last 15 years. He said the people that you and your wife are now will completely change every five years or so. And for the most part has proven to be true. Our life experiences have driven us apart and then back together many times.

But the one thing that always got us back on the right track was talking. When I look back on the trying times, things were at their worst when we were in our opposite corners battling each other but we weren’t communicating. Things finally got better when we just started talking about what was going on, sometimes all night. I know it is a lame cliché, but as men we are taught to bottle it up and keep it in. I was lucky enough to have a mother who was a social worker and taught my brother and me not to be afraid of communication. You just have to keep talking. Talk, Talk, Talk, until you actually start talking about what is truly going on. You don’t want to give up on a relationship, knowing that you didn’t do absolutely everything to save it. Just keep talking.

[lostalot 0]

Big boy- you're absolutely right. And I'll be the first to say i can talk to anyone thats not part of the problem. I've always been bad about holding my feelings in until I finally explode. I am going to try though. Thank you all so much for the words of wisdom.

[msampson 0]

Is it because you lost the weight that you are no longer in love or attractive to him? Please dont give up make sure you try everything in your power before you decided to walk away. If you can afford counseling maybe try a church minister or something like that. Be encourage. I need to know people that can surivie marriage so when its my turn I can say if she/he did it I can too. Thanks Be bless

[lostalot 0]

Is it because you lost the weight that you are no longer in love or attractive to him?

See I dont know because I lost a good bit of weight while we dated as well and we broke up not long after that I dated around, had my wild child time I guess you could say and we ened up back together.

I am def working on this. I don't want to screw things up on impulse. Thank you all so much I just needed some support!

[aubrie 6]

Lostalot,

LOL I had to laugh at myself. When I saw your use of "the D word", I immediately thought "diet".

But to address you problem, I have to agree with some of the other posters. I've been married to my current husband for 19 years. There have been many ups and downs, it's true, you simply fall in and out of love with them over the course of a long relationship. I sent my husband a LONG letter about this just a couple weeks ago. I wish I had saved it, I would have shared it, but in essence it said this. I saw our marriage like a radio. Some times were are tuned to the exact same frequency, and are humming along in perfect unison. Totally in sync with eachother. Everything is peaceful. I'm content. When we're on the same wave length, I'm totally in love with him. He rocks my world, and there is no one I'd rather be with. This happens some of the time. Most of the time however, our frequencies maybe run parallel with some fluctuations in the waves. A little irritation here, lack of patience there, I'm interested in one thing, him another. There's no conflict per se, but it's not totally harmonious. We're able to tolerate eachother. It's like were both on FM stations, but I'm an oldies station and he's jazz. We both like eachothers music, we respect the difference, and move on. then there are the times when we are totally at odds. Chaos reigns. I'm FM and he's AM. Some times is so bad that we're like different radios in different rooms. We don't even hear eachothers "music". that's when we fight. Lots of conflict. We don't see eye to eye on anything. I don't want to hear him, and he doesn't want to hear me. He's a punk rock station and I'm now classical. We don't want to touch, communicate or tolerate. It is so uncomfortable. He can literally disgust me. These are the times when I entertain the thought of divorce. Never seriously enough to DO something about it, but that's when the idea becomes attractive. But, inevitably someone comes along and changes the station and our frequencies change once again, and the discord ends. I look forward to the days when we're singing the same song. those are the happy times.... I just have to be patient, because after 19 years I've come to realize that a swift spin of the radio knob will bring us right back in sync. My advice is to make certain you're not just on opposing stations at the moment. Listen for the song......

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,281]

Good post aubrie! You got it spot on!

Msampson, those who are willing to see their marriage through til the end do whatever they have to to make it work.

Marriage has so many ups and down and it takes work on both sides. My husband and I endured some rough Patches after I lost my first 100 pounds and I truly thought I wanted to look around. I’d been married since I was 21 and he was 31. I am his 3rd Wife, he’s my first (and last) husband. Well I’d never really had my “fun”. I’d dated a few guys before we met but never really experienced a whole lot.

Well after a little bit of time I did realize just how much I did love him (even though I tried to lie to myself and say I didn’t). I ran back to him and I thank goodness I didn’t ever do anything unforgivable.

All the best to you and your husband lost. You received lots of good advice here. I would take up on the minister support. Work on your marriage, you may find out how amazing being married is. There is a reason on why so many search out their lifelong mates.

[shadst8 8]

Wow aubrie--you just may save a great deal of relationships with this advice. This post really just articulate what marriage is like! I am going to keep it and remind myself as well!!