I haven't had my surgery yet. It's in December. But last night my partner got all upset and said that she thinks I am going to find someone new after surgery. We had this discussion months ago that she was okay with it and not worried and eased all the concerns she had. Or I thought I had. I have no intention of finding anyone else. I am doing this for me and no one else. Also she pointed out that just because I will be changing my lifestyle she is not going to change. It's pretty much the opposite of what we had discussed. Before she said she wanted to eat healthier and be more active also. I'm frustrated and feeling like she has no trust or faith in me.. I also feel like she wants me to fail.

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It's easy to get upset at the offending partner when they make comments like that, but honestly take it from someone who's been married for 30 years, it all comes from a place of insecurity and fear of the unknown....for both of you. You need to help her understand that your journey to a healthier you is only going to make you a happier, more fulfilled person, which in turn should make her happy, too. Try to reassure her how important her love and support will mean to you as embark on this new chapter of your lives. After all, change is a normal, contstant part of life, and the strongest relationships can adapt.

As far as her not being willing to change her lifestyle, you can't control what she does, only how you react to it. YOU are choosing to do this, not her. Find another support system if need be. As long as she can at least emotionally support you, there's no need for her to change her activity and eating habits if she doesn't want to. My husband didn't, and I did just fine. You will too if you REALLY want to. She may also surprise you and come around.

@BarbieVSG14 I agree with everything in your post!! BUT, the reality is that bariatric surgery is correlated with divorce, and, sadly, it may be worse for people who are not married. I'm 27 years married, and am blessed with a guy who loves my "diets" because he always loses weight. And he's ready to stop drinking alcohol, so that helps, too. I can only assume its awful for couples when they arent in the same place mentally. It would be like be married to someone who voted for Trump! <<haha

Also, I dont think she wants you to fail, probably she is afraid of how your surgery will change her life (said someone who doesn't know you or her). Her fear may be completely rationale, IMO. I don't get the "you are going to leave me" aspect, but then, I am old. :-) Hopefully others will weigh in.

Edited November 4, 20178 yr by Apple203

8 minutes ago, Apple203 said:

@BarbieVSG14 I agree with everything in your post!! BUT, the reality is that bariatric surgery is correlated with divorce, and, sadly, it may be worse for people who are not married. I'm 27 years married, and am blessed with a guy who loves my "diets" because he always loses weight. And he's ready to stop drinking alcohol, so that helps, too. I can only assume its awful for couples when they arent in the same place mentally. It would be like be married to someone who voted for Trump! <<haha

LOL I'm with you on the Trump thing!

Respectfully, I don't believe the partner has to be in the same place mentally as the person having the surgery does as far as diet and exercise. Like I said, it's OUR journey, not theirs. I don't expect the entire world to change for me just because I've chosen to change my lifestyle. Lord knows we aren't living in a very bariatric friendly world, that's for sure! He doesn't formally exercise, I do, and have continually for almost 4 years. It hasn't hindered me in the least. He still eats his processed crap, I make up for that by cooking healthy meals minus the starch with just protein and veggies ;). I understand that having someone doing it along with us is ideal in a perfect world, but let's be real. The world isn't perfect and the only thing we CAN control is us. This can be completely doable without your partner doing it along with you. I and many others are living proof of that. It's all about how bad we really want it.

I also believe that if you have a crappy relationship pre op, you'll have a crappier relationship post op as the bariatric patient becomes happier and more secure with themselves, hence the divorce rate post op. Stronger relationships are able to adapt and work though the inevitable changes.

Edited November 4, 20178 yr by BarbieVSG14

aw, but really? We can want what we want and commit to change our lives, but the people with us are effected. I always made great dinners and now you have to make your own dinners -- big game changer, imo. Not enough to dissuade me from surgery, but enough to know to SO's life is going to change and maybe for the worse, at least for 6-12 months.

Edited November 4, 20178 yr by Apple203

Just now, Apple203 said:

aw, but really? We can want what we want and commit to change our lives, but the people with us are effected. I always made great dinners and now you have to make your own dinners -- game changer. Big game changer, imo.

I make the dinner for the both of us! I just leave out the starch. He's used to protein and a veggie for dinner. That's how it's been for the last 4 years. But he still eats his sweets and snacks. I find healthier options. See? Compromise

3 minutes ago, BarbieVSG14 said:

See? Compromise

You say after-the-fact, and as I predict my husband will find. But the OP's GF? She doesn't know whats coming and she is happy with their life now. How to reassure her?

Just now, Apple203 said:

You say after-the-fact, and as I predict my husband will find. But the OP's GF? She doesn't know whats coming and she is happy with their life now. How to reassure her?

Absolutely. But if it's meant to be, they will figure out a way to work it out.

This relationship stuff is hard!

2 hours ago, BarbieVSG14 said:

LOL I'm with you on the Trump thing!

Respectfully, I don't believe the partner has to be in the same place mentally as the person having the surgery does as far as diet and exercise. Like I said, it's OUR journey, not theirs. I don't expect the entire world to change for me just because I've chosen to change my lifestyle. Lord knows we aren't living in a very bariatric friendly world, that's for sure! He doesn't formally exercise, I do, and have continually for almost 4 years. It hasn't hindered me in the least. He still eats his processed crap, I make up for that by cooking healthy meals minus the starch with just Protein and veggies ;). I understand that having someone doing it along with us is ideal in a perfect world, but let's be real. The world isn't perfect and the only thing we CAN control is us. This can be completely doable without your partner doing it along with you. I and many others are living proof of that. It's all about how bad we really want it.

2 hours ago, BarbieVSG14 said:

Absolutely. But if it's meant to be, they will figure out a way to work it out.

This relationship stuff is hard!

2 hours ago, BarbieVSG14 said:

LOL I'm with you on the Trump thing!

Respectfully, I don't believe the partner has to be in the same place mentally as the person having the surgery does as far as diet and exercise. Like I said, it's OUR journey, not theirs. I don't expect the entire world to change for me just because I've chosen to change my lifestyle. Lord knows we aren't living in a very bariatric friendly world, that's for sure! He doesn't formally exercise, I do, and have continually for almost 4 years. It hasn't hindered me in the least. He still eats his processed crap, I make up for that by cooking healthy meals minus the starch with just Protein and veggies ;). I understand that having someone doing it along with us is ideal in a perfect world, but let's be real. The world isn't perfect and the only thing we CAN control is us. This can be completely doable without your partner doing it along with you. I and many others are living proof of that. It's all about how bad we really want it.

I haven't changed the food I fix for other people. I just don't partake of the mac and cheese or tater tots. I do try and fix healthier options, but for those that don't want it, they get what they enjoy. I eat my own thing. No biggie.

I was about 3 months postop when my hubby decided he wanted to start a diet too. Watching me drop 50lbs (without my pressuring him to join me) was just the incentive he needed to get started.

My recommendation to the OP is to just do her best to assure her partner, and not worry about whether her partner changes anything for herself. The more normal things can remain for her, the more quickly she'll want to join the "get healthy" lifestyle. But if she feels pressured about it.... it isn't gonna work out well.

She may never "come 'round".. but you love her just the same, right?

I've been married to my husband for 30 years. I'm not really worried about him having a problem with me being more independent. I did tell him I worry that if I want to go out and do stuff he wouldn't want to because we both enjoy our computer time. He says he's willing to go do anything I want to as long as we do it together. That says and means a lot to me. I'm glad he's in my life.