I am in the middle stages or pre op and am excited to eventually be able to do things I couldn't do before.... but I asked my husband to not tell anyone I was doing WLS. I don't feel ashamed but do you think it's wrong for me to keep this a secret?

No not at all. The less people who know, the better IMHO.

I think it's a personal choice that everyone has to make. I don't think there is a perfect, one way fits all choice. Personally, I have told anyone and everyone. However, that's a part of my personality. I know not everyone is an open book.

I also have told everyone and anyone that might ask.. If they have their comments I do not care for, I really do not care. If you have not been in my place, or our place, having food issues and being overweight for 30 years, then what in the world do they know. So far everyone has been very supportive. It is a very individual decision who you tell.

Keep it private as long as you feel you need to. I've noticed a lot of people have a crummy attitude toward WLS and, in general, feel they have a right to opine loudly whenever they hear about it. No reason to set yourself for annoyance or hurt feelings.

I'm only telling immediate family.

I have chosen not to tell but a few people prior to surgery because I didn't want the negative comments in my head during the first part of this journey to permanent weight loss that some would feel important to share without them being knowledgeable about the topic.

I think it is a personal decision on how best to handle it, but remember, you can't un-tell them so if you are torn which way to go, I would suggest holding off for now unless they are a part of your support system.

im only telling family and two close friends thats it the clients at work im just telling diet and exercise which is the truth to some extent

I also want to keep my surgery a secret. I am curious though, do you work? I am trying to figure out what I can use for an excuse for being out of work and what I can use as an excuse for eating only soft foods when I come back. We have a lot of lunch meetings where I work and we are constantly going out with vendors, I thought I could get away with ordering salad and then picking through it so it wouldn't be noticeable that I wasn't eating as much but some of the things I am reading are leading me to think that idea won't work.

Not at all. It's a personal decision. I chose not to tell, and at six weeks out, I've not one regret. Good luck!

Yes I work I work in a psychiatrist office so the clients we see once a month will definitely notice my absence and weight loss

You could always say "I have had some health problems but I'm doing well now! Thank you so much for your concern!" if people get nosy about where you have been.

As far as meals out, soup is generally a good option!

No, I don't think it's wrong to ask your SO/spouse to not tell others. Even if you do plan to tell someone, I'm one of those people who think it should be *your* time and *your* decision. I pretty much had a melt down and got very angry at my partner last week over this. Over a month ago, I had told him that he did not have my permission to disclose my surgery to ANYONE without my explicit consent. I explained he could tell his boss/coworkers I was having surgery (because he took off work) "for digestive issues" if he wanted, but no other details. I *specifically* told him not to tell his mother, because she's just been really unpleasant to me.

It's difficult. She's mostly an okay woman, in her 80's, but it's very clear that she thinks her son has chosen poorly because of my weight. Lately she's made it part of our interactions whenever I see her. So, for example, a couple of months ago, she gave me diet cook books, and quizzed us about how much we out, because she thinks that eating out is a problem. Last December I went to Christmas dinner with his family, and that was the *worst* it's been -- first, my sweetie told his mother I don't eat blue cheese, so she wasn't going to put the dressing on the salad, but then she DUMPED a giant container of blue cheese crumbles on the salad. When I later politely declined a serving, she got upset at me. My sweetie said "She doesn't like blue cheese..." and his mother denied putting any in it. We couldn't tell if she had forgotten or what. But the final stroke was that most of the foods on the table were bad for me (carby) or just disgusting -- her salad, gross stuffing with giblets -- so I ended up with small portions of the bone dry turkey, macaroni and cheese, and bread I'd made. His mother leaned over the second time I refused her salad and said, "Well, look at your plate -- you won't eat the salad but you'll eat all that? That's why you're fat!"

I cried half the way home in the car, because I had put up with that, and because of that, I have NO interest in that woman knowing about my surgery. So when my sweetie said, last week, "Oh, I told my mother you had surgery and she hopes you get well soon..." I was FURIOUS. I am not interested in that mean-spirited woman thinking she somehow influenced me, when in fact the opposite was true -- every time she did stuff like that to me, it made me sure I would NEVER have WLS.

Well, gosh--- that's been a bit of an off topic theraputic rant. But anyway, my point is, I support you having privacy. :-)

No, I don't think it's wrong to ask your SO/spouse to not tell others. Even if you do plan to tell someone, I'm one of those people who think it should be *your* time and *your* decision. I pretty much had a melt down and got very angry at my partner last week over this. Over a month ago, I had told him that he did not have my permission to disclose my surgery to ANYONE without my explicit consent. I explained he could tell his boss/coworkers I was having surgery (because he took off work) "for digestive issues" if he wanted, but no other details. I *specifically* told him not to tell his mother, because she's just been really unpleasant to me.

It's difficult. She's mostly an okay woman, in her 80's, but it's very clear that she thinks her son has chosen poorly because of my weight. Lately she's made it part of our interactions whenever I see her. So, for example, a couple of months ago, she gave me diet cook books, and quizzed us about how much we out, because she thinks that eating out is a problem. Last December I went to Christmas dinner with his family, and that was the *worst* it's been -- first, my sweetie told his mother I don't eat blue cheese, so she wasn't going to put the dressing on the salad, but then she DUMPED a giant container of blue cheese crumbles on the salad. When I later politely declined a serving, she got upset at me. My sweetie said "She doesn't like blue cheese..." and his mother denied putting any in it. We couldn't tell if she had forgotten or what. But the final stroke was that most of the foods on the table were bad for me (carby) or just disgusting -- her salad, gross stuffing with giblets -- so I ended up with small portions of the bone dry turkey, macaroni and cheese, and bread I'd made. His mother leaned over the second time I refused her salad and said, "Well, look at your plate -- you won't eat the salad but you'll eat all that? That's why you're fat!"

I cried half the way home in the car, because I had put up with that, and because of that, I have NO interest in that woman knowing about my surgery. So when my sweetie said, last week, "Oh, I told my mother you had surgery and she hopes you get well soon..." I was FURIOUS. I am not interested in that mean-spirited woman thinking she somehow influenced me, when in fact the opposite was true -- every time she did stuff like that to me, it made me sure I would NEVER have WLS.

Well, gosh--- that's been a bit of an off topic theraputic rant. But anyway, my point is, I support you having privacy. :-)

I would suggest limited contact with her. No one deserves to be treated that way and it is not good for your mental state and future health to have her be a part of your life.

I'm keeping mine a secret as well with the exception of my SO and potentially my kids once I get much closer to surgery day. I don't even feel like I can trust my Mom with the information.

As I've matured I find that I need the approval of others less in order to feel validated. That being said, I really don't want/need others opinions regarding my health choices. I don't want others re-telling versions of my health choices either. I think we all know that folks who haven't spent time in our shoes can be quick to judge or comment on something they can't possibly understand. Even those with the best of intentions can hurt or make you second guess yourself.

I've considered this step for two years now. I know what I want. I don't think there is anything wrong with keeping such a private medically founded decision solely your own. I only worry a bit about support at times but I feel like this is my life style change to make, not everyone else's. I have to figure out how to make my way in this new lifestyle. I would love to hear what others are doing for support if they aren't telling family and/or have weak support systems as that will be something I will need to prepare myself to deal with...

Edited September 13, 201510 yr by gobeit

I have told one person and one person only: My husband. I love my family, but they tend to be know-it-alls and busy bodies, and I just don't want to deal with having to defend my decision or my eating choices for the rest of my life. The people at work are also great folks, but very gossipy and close-knit, with lots of the skinny women constantly advising everyone else on food choices (while nibbling on cake and chocolate all day themselves).

This is my body, my health, and my business. As @@gobeit notes, it is a medical decision, and I feel no qualms at all in keeping my medical history private.

I was worried, too, about eating at work, but so far no one has noticed a thing. I've said I'm dieting and watching my carbs, both of which are true. I eat cottage cheese, V-8, soups, tuna in packets with low-fat dressing. We have had a couple of meetings where boxed lunches were ordered. I didn't eat the bread. Said I was doing low carbs (which is true!) which everyone understands, and it was no big deal at all.

I am getting my emotional support from my husband and other support on this website. I rely on my doctor's office for medical advice, but check here daily to see what other people's experience is. I've found this tremendously reassuring and helpful.

So, do whatever is best for YOU, but do give it serious thought. Once you've told a few people, the choice of keeping your medical history private is no longer yours.