justrite8142

i'm going to call u soon...i just wanted to tell u how i've been feeling...i'm lost...i was miserable fat and now i'm miserable thin..i've become selfish...self-centered...angry...and i have a huge chip on my shoulder...and yes...i'm still a good mom and take care of ty that will never change...itz my fault and i take responsibility for letting my image get to my head...i've been on both sides of the fence and at this point i don't know which is worse...i want to b in the middle...but i can't find it...i went from the bottom 2 the top quickly...almost like becoming famous...i don't hate my body...in the begining i did it to please society...now i enjoy eating healthy...exercising and i've taken up weight lifting as a hobby...but i hate the attention...i hate being pretty..on the weekendz i go out without makeup on and wear a hat to cover my face...its non-stop...men look at like their hungry...i don't show my body off anywhere...i don't know who to trust..i dont know who likes me 4 me...i was dating an ex-professional athlete...i was in the spotlight...i loved it...now i'm suffering the consequences of being in the spot-light...i'm not use to the attention...didn't know how to handle it...still don't ....so now i just hide from it...i completely seperated my self from "her"....(the fat girl)...i killed "her"....i hated "her"...i am "her"...i am building a relationship with her...i have to learn to love her...because her is me...i'm just in a smaller body...i pushed every1 away...it was my turn...i was the super bad beauty...went thru an aneroxic/belimic stage...over exercised myself...started taking laxatives...never threw up on purpose...took so many laxatives my intestines burned...i was gray...i looked like death...i was killing myself to b thin...i stopped...that was selfish to do to ty...to jeporadize my life to b thin...i almost feel like these r surgicial eating disorders...even if u take care of urself and don't over do it like i did...ur not healthy...ur mal-nourished......the doctors tell u its normal to lose ur hair...its normal to throw up if u eat too fast...dont chew well enuff...or drink after u eat...does that sound normal to u???yes those r side effects...but those aren't nomal eating habits...if i don't take iron pills...my legs bruise...like i've been in a car accident...there is a trade-off...fat and unhealthy...thin and unhealthy..society is cruel and its real cruel to fat girls/women...i've lost friends...bcuz i've become a threat..its hard for me to date...bcuz its assumed i'm going to cheat..so far this has been a lose-lose situation 4 me...do i regret it...no ....do i regret how i handled the change and attention...yes..do i take full responsibility for the monster i've become...yes...do i want to go back to being un-known...yes...am i taking steps to do so...yes...i haven't lost being responsible..but i lost my mind to an extent...i've been offered clothes...shoes...credit cards...vacations the whole 9 for a piece of ass...i never have and never will trade myself for sex...that is disgusting in my opinion..i don't sleep around at all...right now i'm broken hearted over the athelete...don't know if he liked my person or the way i looked...i became shallow too...i would only date the best looking dudes with the nicest bodies...but when i do start to date again...i'm going to look at the person...i want my person looked at...i'm not a bad person...just a lost person...my surgery got exposed in a cruel way...i kept it a secret...i wouldnt tell the guy i was dating what the scars were from...why he never saw me eat...u really can't tell from my body anymore...i lift a lot...and i'm muscular now...the body for me was easy to fix...the mind has been a struggle...

it depends on how bad u want it...none of us can tell u how long it will take...it varies...it could take u 3 months...it could take u a year...r u willing to work hard for it??? r u willing to eat an apple slice instead of a slice of cake...r u willing to exercise for 45 minutes instead of 2 minutes??? if ur willing to change ur exercise habits and eating habits...i would image not that long.....

thank u both...my port is on my upper right side...its disguised by ab muscles...there is a lil indent and a scar...

october 6th was my 2 year bandiversary...i was in a car accident that morning...i'm okay...but i really didn't get to celebrate...i honestly wasn't planning on celebrating anywayz...i've had my ups and downs thru this whole process...i was going to treat like any other day...bcuz i'm like any other person that has lost weight...i am proud of myself for keeping my weight off for 2 years...and always working hard at it...i'm proud of myself for changing my lifestyle...eating healthy...staying fit...going to the gym and watching my portion size....i love love love love myself and my band...i weighted in at 163...my goal weight is 165...i will not go over 165 or under 160...that is my bodys healthy weight...i love my body and i don't abuse it anymore....

and what about being over weight feels yucky????? what people say or think of u...who gives a flying shit...people say negative things to thin people too...if ur not having the band for health reasons or bcuz u desire to live a healthy lifestyle...and ur just having it to please society...sweetheart ur in for a rude awakening...society is never pleased...thin...fat...short...tall...bad skin...bald..etc...etc...if its not 4 u and ur health...ur waisting ur time...

That is one of the reasons I am just going to lose this weight with LAP-BAND® and start my life over again. I want to be able to look nice as well and feel confident.....from a big person that is now a small person...u should work on ur self confidence issues starting 2day...ur issues do not go away once u lose weight...they'll come back to haunt u in one form or another...i've gone thru this process...2morrow is my 2 year bandiversary...i went in this feeling the same way u did...not working out my issues b4 i lost my weight...what a mess...u will get lost in the high from ur loss and once that high goes away...ur u again...ur a person no matter how much u weight...work on thinking u look nice now...who cares what people say or think...not every1 thinks over weight people r horrible...thats what society has us conditioned to believe...i love my band and would do it all over again...but i wouldve worked on my self-esteem b4 my surgery if i could do it all over again...