Omg... So this is a big week for me... full of anxiety... and self doubt.
first... today is a suck ass day.... i hate birthdays and today is a big one... 45. I woke up this morning thinking... OMG... In 5 years i will be 50... I tell you just typing that put a lump in my chest... I'm getting old...
second... Going to biloxi ms with my Best Friends... Gina's birthday was Saturday , mine today and Tracy's next Saturday. So this is what's keeping me up.... the dreaded SWIMSUIT.... This year will be my first time on the beach in a bikini in over 20 years. This is what's playing over and over in my head...... Walking on the beach, people looking and thinking...Who told her she could wear that... She must not have mirrors at her house... Or what if what i see in the mirror is only a refection from a fun-house mirror.... and im really disgusting and ..... omg... i'm driving my self crazy.
and i didn't get to tan like i wanted .... so now i got white fat on top of all that..... CG.. send me some of your fabulous tan...
Ok, Chris... Take a deep breath and remember.... this is as good as it get for now...
Was up till 2:30am .... I eat this all the time and never any problems.... Now im sad. Stuck and it still feels like it around this morning... And NO i won't go in for an unfil... I will wait it out like any other time. My plan is to take it easy today, just have a smoothie for lunch and see how it goes.
but it sure taste good at the time.... lol
So just a little vent...
I think i have been pretty good on here lately with keeping my mouth shut. lol... i can think what i want... Anywho.
The amount of people come on and saying they are getting them band to "control" there eating... ONLY.... Because they eat "healthy". People that eat healthy are not fat.... have you ever seen a fat vegetarians ... or a fat organic eating person? I haven't... Those people eat Healthy.... WEEEEEE are fat because WEEEEEE eat McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell..... Just because you go to Wendy's and order a Salad to go with your burger instead of the fries... Dose not make you a "healthy" eater.....What kind of delusional world do some living in. And i'm going to the all caps now......
IF YOU ATE HEALTHY, YOU WOULD NOT BE NEEDING THE LB..... WAKE THE HELL UP!!!!!
We all needed the LB because we ALL eat too much and eat not the best choices.
Be real people.... if you can't come here, in a forum, of fat and former fatties and be honest... what do you have too look forward too. I tell you what you have too look forward too.... blaming your band for not losing weight.
I know why i have gainded back 7 lbs in the past few months.... because 1. my hubby lost his job and has been home and I have been making bad choices.... 2. i have been eating way too much junk. 3. I need to get my butt back too the gym.
End vent... Peace and Love...
Just so you all will know.... The devil had multiple homes... Not only does he live on my bathroom floor.... But he lives here also.... Stay away
He make a hypnotic concoction.. of Red velvet, cake batter ice cream and chunks of cream cheese icing.... and he calls it Red velvet cake ice cream..... You all have been warned...lol
i have to pass in front twice a day.... sometimes... I say... NO Devil... i don't want your amazing ice cream... but, my car... well she is not as strong willed as me... and she gives in... and before i know it... i'm parking and turning off the engine.. and saying... my car wants a quart to go please...
I know this sound.... vane... but i was thinking about getting a Belly Button Percing. What do you all think....? Be honest..I can handle.. the Truth...lol
I know i'm 44 (45 in July)... i just think they are sexy.
Ok, So last night i had the strangest dream.. I dreamed I went to a doctor, not even sure who this doctor was.... but i was put to sleep and for some reason..... he took out my band.... I woke up and he was saying... I took it out for you. I was like.... WTF dude. Ran to my doctor with my band in my hand and was like..... Look at what this man did to me.
WTH was that all about?
So it been 2 1/2 years since i got my LB. I have done well. Not as well as others. I really thought i would be down to 125-130 by now.... but can't seem to get past the 143 mark.... Well i got to 139 for a brief period of time right after my Tummy Tuck... Got back up to 149, but now i'm back to .... 143. I guess it's my number.
So i was talking with my husband and i asked him.... what do you think about the way I look? Was i not thinking right or what....lol..... But to my surprise he said he thought i looked perfect... Wow was not expecting that. Then i said.... I would really like to lose another 10lbs.... He said why are you so focused on the "number" on the scale?.... I was completely caught off guard by that question.
So i asked my self..... Why am i so consumed by the number on the scale (aka the devil)? And i really don't know why. I got the band to stop the cycle of Heart attacks and diabetes in my family and i wanted to be able to run and play with my grand kids. I also wanted to stop having to shop at Lane Bryant.... I wanted to feel good and look good, i wanted to be pretty again... You would think being a size 6 and 143ish pounds would be good... Enough. Why is it not? My first goal was to be a size 10, got that. Then i said... well if i could only be a size 8 then i will be happy, got that.... then it was... i hate this stomach roll... boy if i could just get that taken off.... i would be happy and not need another thing, got the Tummy Tuck.
Now it's my face.... What...? Yes my face, now that i lost the weight, i can see all the lines and wrinkles that the "fat" face hid.... So at dinner the other night... i brought Botox..... my husband of coarse rolled his eyes.... my son the RN went thru all the horror stories about botched Botox..... But none set in as much as my 6 year old Grandson when he said.....
Nana... i think your beautiful just the way you are....(insert tears)... If a 6 year old can see it... Then why can't I??
So that's why i ask..... When is Enough... Enough?
Ok, so i am ready for the wrath that I'm sure i will get about posting this.... but i really want to know how others feel.
How do you feel about Medicare and or Medicaid paying for Lapband?
This infuriates me...... I get up every freaking day and head to work for 7am and work till 4.... then I clean office building on the weekends to supplement our family income to be able to get the "extras" in life.
I work because i have to and because my family need food, house, car, electricity... and insurance. So not only do we pay for the insurance, but the co-pays, the meds, the deductibles and the 20% after that.
In the meantime, people are getting all their pre-certs, surgery and fill...... for free. Why should i have to pay for your surgery when you don't have a job or insurance to pay for it your self....
Then come on here and complain about and or wonder if your fills will be covered......Really!!!!
I wish the government and other peoples taxes would have paid for mine....Oh and my recent Tummy tuck... i sure could use the help paying that $8800.... any takers
Ok, Bring it.....
So Wednesday it will be 5 weeks since i had my Tummy tuck and I can't believe i'm saying this..... but i can't wait to get back to the Gym. I feel so tired and lazy and the daily walks are not enough.
It is so true what the say about people never being happy with our bodies. Now that i have a simi-flat stomach (still swollen). I now notice my inner and upper thighs....(guess they were hidden from view by the apron) they are not terrible by any means, but they can use some slimming down with exercise... i can do this...I know i can. Just have to get back into the gym.
On another note.... i need a fill.... i have 0cc in my 14cc band. My PS removed it all when he did the TT. I have so been knocked off my "high horse".... I had it in my head that if anything was to happen to my band that i could continue life with out her help....Boy was i wrong. In the past weeks that i could eat all the thing my band prevented me from eating.... I pretty much ate..... Bread, rice, pasta, pizza....OMG what a eye opener. I do need help, I do need my band....
So i'm sending up a prayer ..... Dear Lord... Please protect my band and never let anything happen to her... I need her, i know now i can't do it alone.
I had my LB 11/10/2009 and got laid off from my job 11/16/2009 on the day i returned from surgery.... So I lost my insurance. Thanks God my surgery was covered and one years fellow ups... up to 7 fills.
Skip ahead to seven months after and now i'm self pay..... my surgeon charges $235 per fill. So i paid for a fill in July 2010 and then waited till Nov. to get another.
Went one year with out going back. Last appointment 12/2011. total weight loss .... 80lbs. 14cc band and with all the my visits and my calculations i should have 10.9cc in my band. My doctor has acquired a new doctor in his office and i saw him that day for the first time. Not a good experiences. Never Never had pain while getting a fill.... but this time... hurt like hell.
He stick the needle in and because i had not been in in over a year he pulls every thing out to see what i have.....pulls up .... 10cc. I'm like what the hell happened to my .9cc. he said it sometime evaporates. OH OK. didn't know that. So he puts in .5cc at a charge of $235. Wen home and i knew something was not right... i was STARVING... and could eat solids. so i called him back and went back in the next day. he pulls up 10CC.... WHERE IS MY .5CC that you put in yesterday? He said... I don't know.... but that will be $85..... WAIT.... WHAT...you are charging me again?
so after multiply rants and Bi@ch fests..... and me telling him he was wrong and that he is raping people that are self pay for fill....
I WON...... He has now changed his fill price too...... $150. To all of my Dr.'s self pay patients...... your welcome.