BigViffer's Manly Bean Meal

There are some cool sounding recipes here. But I want to kick it up a notch with something more manly. I made this after my surgery when I was wanting something a little more normal than what I was eating at the time. I made my own BBQ Sauce since most bottled stuff has corn Syrup in it.


2 bags dried Beans.
- (I use Black & Pinto. IMPORTANT: Beans WILL NEED TO BE SOAKED FOR AT LEAST 8 HOURS)
1 lbs. bacon
- (NOT MAPLE OR SWEET! Peppered or smoked taste the best. I have also used smoked pulled pork shoulder butts with no sauce.)
1 Onion
- (I don’t care what color. Just pick one. Yellow onions are the most pungent though.)
1 Bell Pepper
- (Green, Red, Yellow… whatever sounds good to you)
Jalapeno or Chipotle peppers
- I like it spicy, so I added about 4, my frieds said it was too hot though. It's up to you.
At least 4 cloves garlic.
- Come on, add some more. You wuss.
Big splash Apple Cider Vinegar
- (OK, maybe ¼ cup)
Real Molasses or Treacle.
- This stuff is potent, so start off with only about 2 Fluid oz. You can always add more if necessary.
¼ cup Tomato paste
- Make sure you don't use your wife's tomoato paste concetrate that she already has plans for. It's also much stronger than regular tomato paste.
Scoop of brown sugar.
- This is another part that is to taste, maybe ¼ cup
Yellow mustard
- To taste. Noticing a trend yet?
Salt & pepper if you want.
- How much? You guessed it, to taste.

Pick over beans to remove stones and the uglies. Soak in a bowl with just enough Water to cover the beans. Add the salt to the beans and Water.< br /> Go to bed
Wake up your wife so she can make her wonderful husband who loves her more than his motorcycle and truck combined some coffee.
Drain the beans but keep the stock!
Cook the bacon and save the grease. Season if you want because we all know that you make the best damned anything. You want the bacon to be crispy – not burned! This is the only time that crisp bacon should ever be made. It is a waste of bacon and an abomination against nature any other time.
Roughly chop the bell peppers, onion, jalapeno peppers, and the garlic cloves. Add them to a little of the bacon grease and cook until the onions are translucent.
Put drained beans into a very big crockpot.
Add everything at the same time, cuz thats how a man cooks. (peppers, onions, garlic, all sauces, vinegar, all spices, etc...)
Now add just enough of the stock back into the crockpot to cover the beans.
Wait a fricken eternity for the damn things to cook while the aroma drives you insane. Put a towel under the drooling dogs mouth to avoid a slipping hazard in the kitchen. Drive the kids out of the house so you don't have to listen to them asking, "Is it done yet?!"
Open and stir. Taste for testing the texture. Repeat the last step if necessary. This will literally take all day. Depending on your crockpot, I'd say 8-12 hours. If your crockpot is out of the kids reach, 8 hours. If they can reach it, they will keep opening it up wanting to see it.
Once ready, you will be eating beans for a week. flatulence will take on a new meaning in your house. No one will be spared, no one is safe. You'll try to make jokes in the beginning, but it wonlt last long. Your wife will avoid you, your kids will fear you. Only the dog will stay by your side. Hoping you will drop some beans most likely. Then you and the dog will be a source of unrefined methane that brings shame to your household. But you won't care, because the beans are that damned good.