Downhill from here?

Alexandra · June 19, 2005

A lot seems to be happening to me physically, and I'm wondering if I've turned some sort of corner. For one thing, I seem to be heading for menopause on a rocket train. My cycle is 23-25 days, now (compared to a normal clockwork-like 28)! Pre-menstrual carb cravings are worse than I've ever experienced them, and I can't stop once I start.

At 120 lbs lower than my highest non-pregnant weight, I'm feeling very well thank you. But I'm 50 lbs heavier than I probably "should" be. Do I want to go there? I honestly don't know. For one thing, as my face gets thinner I think I look older, and at 43 looking my age is bad enough. With more weight lost I'd just look even older! I'm starting to feel like my skin needs tightening almost everywhere, but have absolutely no desire to attempt plastic surgery. Can't afford it, surgery scares me, I'm happily married, clothes make great camouflage, so what's the point? Maybe in 10 years our financial circumstances will have changed, but for now it's not going to happen.

Right now it feels like the only thing good about losing more weight would be the reflexive thrill of seeing the numbers go down, numbers on the scale, numbers on clothing. But I'm not sure I'd look any better with less weight--I'm curvy and svelte compared to where I used to be, and it's certain that yards of loose skin won't add anything to the picture. :rolleyes

Maintaining this 120-lb loss is and will continue to be an amazing thing, and that's what I'm thankful for every single day. Perhaps someday if I can manage to get plastic surgery into my mental realm of possibilities, losing more weight might be something I can think positively about. For now, perhaps it makes more sense to concentrate on physical challenges (like the "running" I recently began) just for fun.

All of this is just me airing my thoughts out for no particular reason. Just thought I'd share in case it resonates with anyone else.

keri · June 19, 2005

Alex-

You inspire me- After just reading several negative articles about WLS I was feling a little blue- just got my band on 6/15-feeling fine- but worried about the pyschological effects, I want to be healthly- I already feel beautiful.

But...I just read about that Lisa Sohr that everyone was talking about and although she is remarried she has lost her first husband and lots of friends. Yikes- I'm very confident in my 13 year relationship and when we started dating I wasn't that heavy. But my girlfriend totally accepts me and I have no doubt about that.

I do know however that I need to go to counseling to really "deal" with whatever food was covering up for me, because I want to be successful-

I'm still on liquids and will be for another 1 1/2 weeks so that will make 4 weeks total and gosh darnit I'm ready for some purreed food! I won't do it- I want my stomach to heal- but yesterday out shopping at Target and last night out with friends I have to admit I was feeling very challenged by food demons...and I struck out twice at my girlfriend for no good reason.

I know though that the band was the absolute best decision I have made. A decision to be a healthy person who will not get my fathers diabetes and will be able to feel better than my current 325 self.

I WILL DO IT--- LOOK AT YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS BOARD,

Thank you

Margo · June 19, 2005

Alexandra,

I have been glued to this website since I started my research into the lapband. Therefore, I have read hundreds of threads many of which you either started or replied to....and all of your wisdom, knowledge and kindness has helped me so very much. With that said, I would like to help you now....no, I am not an expert on lapbands, the procedure or experiencing great weight loss (not yet, at least!), but I can tell you that what you have accomplished is unbelievable.

When I first saw your before and after pictures....I cried. I thought, "my gosh, that's me"....sitting with my little daughter looking sad...and then looking at your after picture with a big smile on your face and your daughters smiling too!!! I first noticed that lack of a smile and then a smile....yes, the weight change is "WOW", but I could tell your life change was really "WOW".

You look beautiful, you have a great figure, you are smiling now....trust me, if you have kept the weight on you would be aging a lot faster! So, you have some sagging skin....who cares....just thank God we don't live in a society that goes naked!!!!

I want to personally thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the inspiration, knowledge and friendship you have shared.

Margo

La_madam · June 19, 2005

I want to personally thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the inspiration, knowledge and friendship you have shared.

I second that!

Alex you are an amazing woman, you are an inspiration to all of us here. What a great post!!!

Alexandra · June 19, 2005

Oh my god, you guys just literally brought tears to my eyes. Wow. I honestly don't know what to say. I'm all verklempt!

You may not be surprised to know that I try to go every month to my surgeon's preop seminars because I think it's that important that people learn about the band as an alternative to RNY. Not that I think my achievement is so incredible--trust me, it isn't--but people need to see that this little band of silicone can be our path to a normal life with less risk. I have to bring my "before" pix with me because I'm certainly no advertisment for a weight-loss program without them.

Sharing my experience with others keeps me mindful of this project I began two years ago and that will never end: the project of managing my morbid obesity. It's wonderful to be told that it helps on the receiving end, too.

Barbara C · June 19, 2005

Alex my dear,

Having seen you at support group meetings I can say that you are beautiful...not old at all! Whether you stay where you are or lose more you have already won the war. Perimenapause is such a pain and it lasts forever, or so it seems. Don't let it get you down, and a few carbs don't hurt! I am sure you will hang in there and figure out how to get through this also.

Hopefully will see you next week.

Barbara

the best me · June 20, 2005

I always hate posting after Jack. He's so eloquent and I'm so, whatever, rambling and non-sensical, freeforming, like Crystal on Percocet! except I'm like this every day!

You are such an inspiration, and I understand your concern about losing more and changing TOO much, dealing with the sags and wrinkles associated with weight loss AND aging. It's tempting to stop here and be happy. You DO look awesome!

On the other hand, 50 pounds overweight is a good little bit. Had you not lost the 120 already, your doc would be admonishing you to diet and exercise and get that extra weight off for your good health as you age. You have a band. Why stop? Okay, so take a break and don't nickle and dime yourself on food, maintain for a month or two. Get some perspective. You know better than any of us that next week and next month is NOT the big picture.

Plus, you are currently 218? I was 223 on band day. Oh, yes, you CAN keep going. Let's all go together! wahooo!!!

Marimaru · June 20, 2005

If you feel happy where you are right now, they I'd stay there. If you decide that you want to lose more later, you can, and, if you don't like yourself thinner after you lose, you could *gasp* gain it back to where you like how you look.

You really are an inspiration to alot of us here

Iluvharleys · June 20, 2005

Sharing my experience with others keeps me mindful of this project I began two years ago and that will never end: the project of managing my morbid obesity. It's wonderful to be told that it helps on the receiving end, too.

Alex I have gained a lot of great advice from your posts. Thank you so much!

I have to say each person has to be comfortable in their own skin. I think you look awsome, and if you feel good at the spot you are at, then by all means relax and enjoy it. I don't believe in the table of weight loss they have out, and I don't think a lot of people do. Just because you aren't at the weight they suggest doesn't mean that you aren't healthy and in good shape.

I do think when you lose too much weight, not only does it make a person look older, but sometimes sickly too.

I for one will see how I feel, and go from there. That number on the scale doesn't affect me near as much as the way I look and feel.

What ever you decide to do, you will look great. Your pictures are beautiful, and you should be very proud of what you have accomplished.

Alexandra · June 20, 2005

Barbara, be sure to talk to me on Wednesday so I can hug you!! What a sweet thing to say.

Betty, I'm with you in believing that being comfortable in one's skin is really important. I think it's the source of inner beauty, actually, which is probably why I'm so hesitant to think about going further. I guess I think that if need surgery, makeup, lots of age-defying concoctions to think I'm presentable, that indicates a deep-seated dissatisfaction that makes daily life unbearable. And of course it's not.

Jack, you are so right about avoidance being the best way to beat the carb dragon. It's much easier at some times of the month than others, though.

Kathy, I know you're right that 50 extra pounds is not a good thing. And when my doctor is done reeling from the 120 lbs that are gone, she might actually say something to me about it.

Sarah, your approach is probably where I'm going. My lifestyle has changed so much that regain is not really a concern (for now), and continued healthy habits may lead to additional weight loss. Who knows? I'll bide my time and see, as a perimenopausal woman trying not to worry about THAT next corner to be turned.

Maybe I need to think about actually challenging myself in other ways now. During all my life as a fat person I've worked so hard to not hate myself that maybe I've learned to ask too little of me. There's ups and downs to having good self-esteem, I suppose.

donali · June 20, 2005

if you don't like yourself thinner after you lose, you could *gasp* gain it back to where you like how you look.

!!!ROTFLMAO!!!

Alex -

You are SO amazing... And you know what I think, right? It's all about health, and you sound so gosh-darned healthy! And I'm not talking just about physical health, either...

I <3 U!!

the best me · June 20, 2005

Maybe I need to think about actually challenging myself in other ways now. During all my life as a fat person I've worked so hard to not hate myself that maybe I've learned to ask too little of me.

Whoa! Now, that's deep. You could never lose another pound and if you get THAT lesson, you are doing well, my friend. I will listen and learn, oh great teacher...

Zoe · June 20, 2005

Greetings, Alex, from the edge of menopause here in Chicago. At 48, I look older too, now that I'm a little thinner. . . but people can see my eyes now that they aren't surrounded by so much fat, and a few crow's feet are a small price to pay.

I always love your posts, especially your signature goal weight: "Wherever I get." How sane! Sounds to me like you're pretty happy right where you are. Just keep doing whatever you've been doing to stay healthy -- walking, running, chasing after the kids -- and let the rest follow.

Slightly off-topic: aren't these changing cycles a drag? I was a perfect 30-day gal for years. Now I'm still on a 30-day cycle, but I have my period for 23 days then have seven days off! Doctor's appt. next week.

DeniseG · June 20, 2005

Alex, that is so true. When you watched Dr. 90120 one of the things they say when someone is getting plastic surgery......she doesn't have that much fat so, we are taking fat from such and such area and injecting it under her skin blah blah blah

Anyway, what is they say when you are overweight? "She maybe overweight, but, she has a beautiful face" No wonder, we have that excess fat under our skin. When it goes away, well our skin loses its firmness and becomes saggy for the most part. I guess we can't expect that what happens to our stomachs would be any different then our faces.

Also notice how many celebrity women look older than they actually are. Many of them are way too skinny. Maybe that is why they look older faster.

Alexandra · June 22, 2005

Slightly off-topic: aren't these changing cycles a drag? I was a perfect 30-day gal for years. Now I'm still on a 30-day cycle, but I have my period for 23 days then have seven days off! Doctor's appt. next week.

Good god, Zoe, say it isn't so!! Cripes, my fingers are crossed that my experience is different. Is it true that one's mother's journey may predict one's own? Or is that an old wives' tale? My mom seemed to go through menopause smoothly. She said her cycles speeded up and shortened until one day they were gone. Mine are speeding up and shortening, too. Maybe I'll get lucky?

Too bad I can't ask her how old she was. If I have another 5+ years of 23-day cycles ahead of me, Playtex is going to make a mint!