Betrayal is a BITCH

[BethFromVA 5]

He's in denial and simply thinking that you are upset and will get over it if he "plays nice."

Definitely make sure that is what is discussed in counseling. Maybe that will help it sink in.

[tapshoes 2]

Lots of strong vibes and hugs to you, Tina. You will get through this. Discuss this in counseling using definitive terms. Separation versus not staying together for example. Sometimes the concept is not really heard unless the words are explicitly stated.

Maybe as Beth said he is in denial, but maybe he just went into shock and didn't hear. he may have heard 'not happy' 'not working out' 'you're making great changes' etc and numbed himself to 'separation'. I know that sometimes moments of great stress limit what I hear/comprehend.

Your counseling session tonight is the prime opportunity to reinforce and repeat...it is over.

[BethFromVA 5]

I guess I'm naive or lacking cognitive reasoning in this area, but I just don't get how some people are wired.

Somebody makes the choice to have an affair -- not even a one-night stand, or several one-night stands, but an affair, a relationship -- and then can't understand why somebody else can't forgive and forget. The victim had no choice or say in the matter, the kids sure don't have a say, but the other person makes a conscious choice to do such a thing and expects what? That things will be better? Go back to normal? Be forgotten?? When you make a choice to pull down your pants and have sexual relations with another, and worse yet, to carry on this affair/relationship, you have made your choice.

I'm not saying he totally falls into this category, but it seems to be the way it goes a lot. I wanted to say to run like hell when you were going to work it out, but it's not my life, and all I could do was support whatever you felt was best. And now I support you moving on without him.

[Donna113 2]

Lots of hugs your way Tina. Stay strong in your resolve to pursue happiness.

My sis and her husband separated last year after 27 years of marriage. They were 20 when they married. Anyway, he was in the Army and was gone more than he was home. After he retired my sis thought she'd get a "buddy" to do things with but it didn't turn out that way. I don't know that there is anyone to blame but they were simply no longer suited to each other. Unfortunately, after 3 to 4 months of separation, the loneliness and fear made my sister take her husband back. They are still just as ill suited to each other. My sis is very outgoing and loves to solcialize whilst my BIL is introverted and his favorite activity is tinkering around with computers. Even though he said he'd make more of an effort to join her in socializing, the truth is that he only does so reluctantly and finds her obnoxious. She resents him for making her feel like she has to drag him out of the house and watch everything she says or does so that he won't criticize her for being too loud, opinionated, etc. I love them both dearly. He's been part of my family since I was 10. I think they're both right and I think they're both wrong. Bottom line, they love each other, they have 2 adult sons, they built a life together and don't have a life outside of each other; however, they don't belong together. They are not compatible and they are making each other miserable but they don't know how to be apart. It's a sad, sad situation.

[green 6]

Sounds like he is in denial.

[suzyt 0]

Tina,

I agree that I feel as if he is in denial and thinking "if I ignore her statement, it will go away". I also agree that you need to discuss this in specific terms tonight at the counseling appointment.

I feel you have been more than accomodating to try to work this out. He needs to understand that even though he has done what you asked; for you, it is not enough and never will be enough.

Best wishes...

Suzanne

[mumof2boys 71]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Unfortunately our counseling isn't until tomorrow night but I did talk to him today and he seems to understand but he said he was just in shock. This is going to be hard but we're going to try to sit down and figure things out...not tonight but soon. One of my big concerns is because of my work schedule, he drops the kids off in the morning at daycare. I leave my house at 4:30 am...I'm going to see if he can come to the house in the mornings and take care of the kids. Wish me luck...Thanks again, everyone.

[heartfire 4]

Hang in there, Tina and stay strong in your decision.

I caught the comment regarding your mom. Yes, it would be nice to have her support and as her daughter, she needs to support you BUT please don't count on her support. It could also mean that she is just in shock and hasn't been able to react the way you would wish. Give her time.

Also, if she is "old school" women don't divorce their husbands over this and esp if there are children involved, so she could be coming from that position. I have no idea. It's just a thought.

Try giving her a couple of days and talking to her again. Even saying that you need her support even if she doesn't necessarily approve.

I'm sending lots of best wishes. Take care!

[lpglarry 1]

hi girl

sorry to hear what hubby did to u,u don[t deserve itmhe isn't good for you, u need to decide ,but if they do it once they will repeat it to tell u truth,good luck larry

[mumof2boys 71]

OK folks...get ready for this. Went to counseling on Tuesday night. Everything went alright and I stayed very strong. It was difficult and I had big old anxieties. He is not ready to sit down and figure everything out because he's in shock. That's fine...I'm not in a hurry...it's been almost a year now...what a little bit more time (plus...money could be an issue at this point and time with my plastic surgery coming up). Anyway...the news must have been out that I am done. Either that or I have a sign on my forehead asking for all YOUNG guys to hit on me. So...after counseling I met my friend at the bar for a much needed drink. Well...the bartender was all into me...HE'S 23!!!! The other place that I hang out at...the guy there hitting on me...HE'S 26. OK...what's up with that? Very flattering but WTH? I'm not used to anyone hitting on me much less young guys. It's all very, very new to me. I don't know how to handle this...I just kind of laugh it off.

Just thought I would share...have a great day everyone and as always...thanks for being here for me. Just know that all of your support has helped me a bunch and I'm sure that it will continue to help me and I truly appreciate all of it.

[TheGh0st 9]

Tina,

Just wanted to let you know you and your children are in my prayers. I was hopeful you could work things out only because that is what it sounded like you wanted early on. But I am thrilled that over the last several months you have finally found and fell in love with yourself. And if that means you move forward without your cheating husband then you go girl.

There is nothing that says you have to stay with him just because he is sorry and claims he won't do it again. No matter how honest he is being now, he lost that right the moment he cheated on you. Now it is your turn to decide what is best for you.

[Donna113 2]

Anyway...the news must have been out that I am done. Either that or I have a sign on my forehead asking for all YOUNG guys to hit on me. So...after counseling I met my friend at the bar for a much needed drink. Well...the bartender was all into me...HE'S 23!!!! The other place that I hang out at...the guy there hitting on me...HE'S 26. OK...what's up with that? Very flattering but WTH? I'm not used to anyone hitting on me much less young guys. It's all very, very new to me. I don't know how to handle this...I just kind of laugh it off.

You're a Cougar! :biggrin:

[BethFromVA 5]

I guess what gets me -- and I don't know whether I'm like amazed or shocked -- is how HE is shocked by all of this. I wonder how he thought YOU felt when you found out he was carrying on an affair for 18 months! :biggrin:

[lpglarry 1]

tina

your on my list for prayers,hope all turns out well for you hon, u need a life change,u got ur stuff together hon,i/m here if u want talk Larry

[gabi311b 0]

Wow, I just read through all of the posts from the very beginning and I have to say, you are one strong lady! I am so proud of you. I have been in a relationship where an ex-boyfriend was unfaithful and the pain is tremendous. I will keep you in my thought and prayers and do what makes you happy...