Dating, geez, HELP.

[janesays 2]

they're out there.... i know because i've dated a few. yeah, there really aren't many in my short experience... at least at our age. because even if some men don't personally care about looks, a good portion of them care about what their friends think, and so you are left with only a few good guys who either have a good set of friends or don't care what people say. (unless you are into being some guy's secret girlfriend. i've done it once for fun and once to settle, and i don't plan on it ever again.)

it's immaturity, in my opinion, so i can only assume that the older we get the more men there will be our age that legitimately don't care about how much we weigh as long as they like who we are as a person.

either way, don't settle for the first guy that will date you "despite" your size. if we start to see and act how beautiful we really are, the men will start begging!

[drew05 20]

Well, as a guy around everyone's age, we do exist. We're nice and like you for you. But we are few and far in between. For every 20 or 30 assholes you date, you'll be lucky to even KNOW 1 or 2 nice guys. We're a dying breed because we never get rewarded for our sacrifices.

But I digress. If you keep your chin up and exude confidence, then guys will flock to you. Trust me, I am a guy and the number one thing I look for in a girl (besides eyes. Sue me I'm a sucker for breathtaking eyes) is her sense of self worth. If a girl can't love herself how is she ever going to love me? That's how most guys look at it.

[Gracey 7]

Where are all these men that don't care about looks? i've certainly never met them. i know i'm not picky (except for no creeps obviously) and i'm more confident than most of my thin friends that have boyfriends. and i've found that when guys say that they don't care about looks really it means they don't care if you have a weird nose, small boobs, bad skin, etc. i have heard on numerous occasions "you're a great girl but i'm just not physically attracted to you. can't we just be friends?" i've basically given up on finding a guy that can deal with the weight (and isn't a creep) because i don't think many exist.

Amen Trish!!! I'm told, "You have such a pretty face" which is, of course, code for "...but you need to lose weight!" Occasionally, I will see a bigger woman with a boyfriend and wonder if she was big when they met or if she's gained while they were together. But if the guys that don't mind bigger women could wear T-shirts or pins stating such, that would really help!!!

[trish5713 2]

Amen Trish!!! I'm told, "You have such a pretty face" which is, of course, code for "...but you need to lose weight!" Occasionally, I will see a bigger woman with a boyfriend and wonder if she was big when they met or if she's gained while they were together. But if the guys that don't mind bigger women could wear T-shirts or pins stating such, that would really help!!!

there should be some kind of code word or secret handshake so i know who i shouldn't waste my time with. i'm sick of not dating. the only real date i've ever been on was my junior prom and i don't think it counts since i went with one of my "just friends." maybe i just live in the valley of no good men.

[Gracey 7]

Well I certainly can't speak to PA men but they can't all be bad! I've had a thing for a co-worker for years and he's acted interested but never did anything about it. Of course, once I get banded and start losing weight, he'll prob come around but it'll be too late!!! <insert evil laugh>

I didn't start gaining real weight until I started on anti-depressants. I wish I'd never started them!!! Grr

[ChattyCathy 0]

Everyone here keep your head up! It will happen I promise. I think one of the greatest things about the band is that it is physically and mentally a new beginning. Set goals for yourself and take it as an opportunity to eliminate that bad things in your life that keep you down ; a fresh start if you will.

However, while this all sounds easy it is not. Losing weight without the band is hard and losing weight with the band is hard, but remember the band is on YOUR side! I kind of think of myself as a two man army now ! Sounds silly but it helps.

As far as the love advice the only thing I can say is it takes more than believing in yourself to find a significant other . You have to believe in yourself but also nourish the thought that you are someone who has something great to offer . Also remember nothing that is worth it is easy. For example, the lap band process for I'm guessing the majority of you did not happen in less than a week or month or for some even a year. You cannot treat love any differently its a process, and finding someone worth your time and love is a process too.

To all the discouraged ladies out there you are beatiful and don't let anyone tell you different. If you can identify within yourself what you really want ,go out and get it! It's hard to find a good guy whether you are skinny or overweight and I agree even harder when overweight because often women feel there weight is a barrier between being happy "in a relationship" and feeling lonely and single. If i can offer one bit of advice it would be that during the first couple months after the band be selfish; make that time completly dedicated to yourself ...relish in the fact that you are doing something great for yourself and focus on making the changes you want to your body one step at a time! Many of you are off to a great start!!! Keep up the good work and remember your best friend is , yourself =)

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

There is a thread for single bandsters. We have all discussed our problems with dating. There are people there of all ages. I have really enjoyed that thread.

I joined the dating sites, and it's very depressing to message back and forth with a guy and then when you send your picture, they stopped writing. I recently met a guy from match.com and it's working out very nicely.I thought it would never happen.

when you get close to goal, you'll feel a lot more confident and it shines out to other people.

[StacieS 0]

Hello all...I've been reading through this thread and it's very interesting. I've recently come out of a ten year relationship...met when I was 19 years old. So...now I'm about a 100 pounds lighter and have no idea how to date. Half the time I'm down because no one I'm interested in is asking me out and then have my friends make fun of me because I don't even realize when others are flirting with me.

So...I've decided I'm entirely to worried about it and I took myself shopping, got a new haircut and went to Barnes and Noble instead of going to the bar this weekend. My favorite quote from You've got Mail is when Meg Ryan and her boyfriend are breaking up and he asks her if there is someone else. She replies "no, but there is the dream of someone." lol...and well...that's where I'm at.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

I think the internet has opened up a whole new world to find people. Even when I was thin in H.S. I was always afraid to approach guys. They approached me or we didn't talk.

My last two relationships were guys I met on dating sites. It's nice because you can weed them out through emails fairly quickly to find out if they are jerks.

The guy I mentioned it a post above last June and I are still together. He is a great guy and we are really happy.

There is no way we would have met if it were not from

match.com. He is a homebody and so am I . We would never have "just run into each other" anywhere.

I suggest everyone put up a profile and start having fun looking through profiles in your jammies with no make up.

On the other singles thread, there are 3 of us who are still with our bf's that we met online.

[gmwatson16 0]

I completely agree with what everyone is saying. I was never under 200 lbs in high school and I went to 1 dance with a guy and we had fun but then after that he pulled the "let's be friends..." etc etc.

Now I'm about to graduate from college and that is the last relationship I've had. Sometimes it really bothers me that most of my friends have bf's or a fiancé or are freaking married! Bah! Then I feel like there is something wrong with me ... (I know there's not and it's all about confidence, but it's still a hard pill to swallow). Sigh....

I tried the online dating thing and was matched up with a couple people, but it was fairly disastrous for my confidence. (To make a long story short, this guy e-mailed me and told me that no one is going to love me while I'm heavy and that I don't really deserve to be loved.) So that was the end of that...

I am really looking forward to the day when I will be able to talk to men and not be pre-judged about myself because of my size.

Sorry to rant... I just had to get that off my chest.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

The thing about Match.com though is that you can pick your own people. E Harmony matches you with who they think you should be with. At match, you can make a profile and keep it hidden, but you can still look at other people's profiles.

I did that for a long time until I got enough confidence when I had lost most my weight to unhide my profile . A couple of weeks later, my bf contacted me. You can choose to put a picture up, or tell them in an email that you will send them a picture. I choose to not have a picture up, because this town is too small.

I found it really strange to run into people whose pictures I had seen on match. Sometimes I went in as a man looking for a woman, to see women's profiles. Then I would go somewhere and see a lady and remember her profile.

There is this walk I do all the time around a lake. I always ran into a guy (who I would not be interested in) who walked with his dog. He sent me a message and wanted

a picture. I wrote back and told him he sees me every day while he walks his dog. I let him wonder which person it was, as that is a very popular trail.

[Gracey 7]

Okay, from a guy's point of view:

DON'T DUMB YOURSELF DOWN. For the love of god, if you want a guy who is intelligent, don't do that. Not ever. For me, at least, people of any sex who are dumb are remarkably annoying. haha.

If you're looking for a good guy, don't change yourself. Confidence is good, cockiness is bad. Find a guy who has a similar taste in humor. Don't take your standards down. If you're looking for a guy who has a certain quality, don't ignore it. Remember, this is important to you. Find the guy with a little ambition in his life. You get the point... Find the important things you're looking for and find them.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I know everything and I'm like every guy out there, but I will tell you that I am MUCH more likely to be attracted to a girl who is willing to put herself out there socially and be confident than someone who sits in the corner and keeps to herself. I'm not talking about a girl who is the life of the party because that's too much, but someone who can keep an interesting conversation going.

I'm sorry, I'm sure you know all this, but the subject matter came up. I figured I'd toss in my two cents. :blushing:

Never - it's good to hear. I hope men are like that and I'm definitely not going to dumb myself down. I've worked very hard to get where I am and I am NOT going to dingbat myself for some man!

...it just seems impossible to walk up to a man I find attractive and say hello. I mean, I'm always settling when I do that for the guy in the corner that looks the least dangerous. Oh well, I'm just ranting! ;-p I know I need to get over my issues with love and I can't blame it all on size (or expect it to fall away with my weight)....

I am "lucky" in that I can speak to/talk to anyone. I'm not so good with flirting but can speak to speak. Practice just saying "hello" with eye contact (and a smile!) to people you walk by in the mall, stores, grocery, wherever (men and women). Not everyone speaks but the point is to just say "hello" or "morning", whatever. You'll be pleasantly surprised by the responses, I believe. I'm not talking a husband; just say hello to open yourself up and be less timid!!!:thumbdown:

[lat1nacurv3s 0]

I've been single a lOng time, and there's no escaping the up and downs of what comes with being single. Especially now when one has lost a lot of weight, you're feeling great, looking great and it shows. Men before may have been turned off by one's larger appearance and lack of self confidence....now are feeling intimidated by one's smaller appearance and high self confidence! HMPH! All I can say is I don't need a man...I want a man...but only one that will want me back just the same. Similar to "He's just not that into you."....no harm in making a man work his way to you....maybe I'm old fashioned, but I'm not about to throw myself at a man....skinny or fat. If he wants me he certainly won't have a problem with letting me know. But if he doesn't then he wasn't the man for me anyways....better to be single than in bad company I say. lol

[Unforgettable 0]

While it's true that somene should fall in love with YOU regardless of your size, we'd all be lying if we said looks have NOTHING to do with it. In many social settings where you would meet someone, looks are the first thing to be noticed. So even though once John Doe got to know me he'd fall in love with who I am on the inside, if he prefers typical blonde hair blue eyed athletic girls we may never get to that point. You can't really fault someone for having their preference, be it size, skin color, age, etc. It sucks but it's the reality of it.

[ahb08 0]

I have been blessed with a wonderful man that im attracted to physically and mentally and he is the same for me....he loves big butts...i got a flat one..lol I like tall dudes....6ft and up...he's like 5'10 175...so it checks and balances out...he likes "thick" girls...but im almost 95% sure im the "thickest" he has ever been with but he has done nothing but embraced my size and everything else on my body...thats when i knew this man really loves me and for the simple fact that he gets extremely pissed off when i talk down on myself......When I initially told him about this surgery he freaked out and still kinda is...he always say's he doesnt want a skinny girl..i told him i dont wanna be skinny i just want to be "healthy thick" where my body is proportioned and I dont have to shop in the plus size section anymore....

As many of you I didnt start having serious relationships until i graduated highschool, but I always found that men my age weren't attracted to me b/c of my weight but i would always attract dudes that were 5-10 years older. and they always thought i was there age too...so for a lil bit i dated guys 5-6 years older, I do consider myself very mature for my age also so im sure thats why i was always able to hit it off with them too, but now my fiance who im sticking with til the death of me...is only eight months older than me...go figure...!! but he has his mind right....

the fact that my man has been with me while im big and unproportioned, u better believe im gonna be with him while im sexxy and fit!!! He deserves it!