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Surgery without telling anyone, not even to my husband!



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Hi ladies,
Have any of you gone through wls on your own, without telling anyone, even to your husband? My husband is not supportive and I am at a loss trying to convince him, without ending up fighting.

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You are going to need some sort of support, after surgery. You can't pre-purchase everything you'll need, because your tastes are going to change and what if you can't tolerate all that stuff that you bought? You won't be able to drive yourself to the store (or home from the hospital) - you're going to be on a driving restriction for a few weeks. I suppose you can take a cab, but you're going to be weak and exhausted. You aren't going to feel like walking around the store.

I could not imagine doing this surgery, without telling my husband. Unless you're planning on getting a divorce, I would advise against doing that.

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I told my husband but no one else. Now after having undergone the procedure, I don't even know how you'd be able to function post-operatively unless your post op care was handled by a facility. I didn't need much care post-operatively but I did need help with a few things.

What is your plan for post-op if you don't tell anyone?

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Wow. I think this would be mighty difficult. What if you developed complications (yes I know they're rare)? I am as secretive a person as anyone - only told my partner and children, but I don't think I could have restricted it to any fewer people than that.

If you're lucky and everything goes absolutely to plan post-op then you might just squeak through. Otherwise present it as a fait accompli (I'm doing this with or without your support). As I type that though I'm thinking if I was even considering that I would first work on my family relationships.

Best of luck.

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If you have WLS without informing your unsupportive spouse all you are doing is adding another item or two to the list of knock down drag out fights in the future. WLS tends to make strong marriages stronger and weak marriages weaker. If you are already arguing about this, it's only going to get much worse if you move on your own.

I wonder if getting into counselling now before adding new grievances to an already long list of grievances wouldn't be the smart move. Perhaps in the safe space of a couples therapists' office you can learn the critical tools you need to learn before your marriage reaches the point of no return, at least if you're not already looking at that point well in the past.

You guys need to get back to being on the same team. You need to learn how to do this in the face of disagreeing on a few of the details. Couples counselling can be a huge help.

Good luck,

Tek

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I didn’t tell anyone other than medical professionals about my surgery. I’m 2.5 years post-op and still haven’t told anyone. I managed fine on my own after surgery; my biggest challenge was getting home from the hospital (the hospital said I couldn’t take a cab or Uber, so I paid a home care aide to drive me home). I took a week of vacation time at work and didn’t tell anyone I was having surgery.

However, I live alone. I assume you live with your husband, and I can’t imagine how it would be possible to have surgery without someone who lives with you finding out, unless he goes out of town for long periods of time and you somehow time your surgery accordingly. Even then, it would be difficult to hide, unless your plan is to have the surgery and tell him after the fact. Obviously, I am not a relationship expert in any way, but it does not seem conducive to a healthy marriage to have a major surgery without telling your partner.

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Ive had the surgery and so has my partner. I can promise you, you cannot get away with not telling your husband if you live together unless you take a good 2 weeks away, never show him your stomach again (incisions/scars) and stop eating together (forever?).

This is a major change and major surgery with a recovery period. You can’t lift things for a good period of time! You can’t walk fast or far for a while. You can only sip Water and eat a couple tablespoons at once.

Talking to a doctor together and therapist would be a better route. He may feel very hurt by you going behind his back. Especially going under anesthesia and having surgery.

Ultimately, you should do what YOU want to do, but please don’t do it in secret without some support, or having the pressure of lying to your spouse about it. If you were single, I’d say you could get away with not telling anyone, but a partner you live with? Can’t imagine that being possible.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, I can’t imagine how difficult this is, and I’m bummed he can’t get excited for you and your future TOGETHER! Good things will come after surgery for him too!!

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I did not tell my mom who lives with me but did tell my husband and close friend who lives in town (other friends and sister were told who live out of state). I can't imagine not having told my husband, getting in/out of bed was a struggle, I had to sleep with two pillows, facing up and had to do the log roll. Going up and down the stairs, sitting and getting up from the couch, coughing etc, the first few days were hard not painful but hard enough that you cannot hide your discomfort.

I second speaking to him honestly and letting him know your reasons. My husband has been supportive but the first time I brought it up he wanted me to try on my own since he had only heard the horror stories. Once he understood that it was about my health and future he was onboard.

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