Surgery without telling anyone, not even to my husband!

[sugarfree 6]

Hi ladies,
Have any of you gone through wls on your own, without telling anyone, even to your husband? My husband is not supportive and I am at a loss trying to convince him, without ending up fighting.

[Jeanniebug 472]

You are going to need some sort of support, after surgery. You can't pre-purchase everything you'll need, because your tastes are going to change and what if you can't tolerate all that stuff that you bought? You won't be able to drive yourself to the store (or home from the hospital) - you're going to be on a driving restriction for a few weeks. I suppose you can take a cab, but you're going to be weak and exhausted. You aren't going to feel like walking around the store.

I could not imagine doing this surgery, without telling my husband. Unless you're planning on getting a divorce, I would advise against doing that.

[Lisa XO 117]

I told my husband but no one else. Now after having undergone the procedure, I don't even know how you'd be able to function post-operatively unless your post op care was handled by a facility. I didn't need much care post-operatively but I did need help with a few things.

What is your plan for post-op if you don't tell anyone?

[Spinoza 1,132]

Wow. I think this would be mighty difficult. What if you developed complications (yes I know they're rare)? I am as secretive a person as anyone - only told my partner and children, but I don't think I could have restricted it to any fewer people than that.

If you're lucky and everything goes absolutely to plan post-op then you might just squeak through. Otherwise present it as a fait accompli (I'm doing this with or without your support). As I type that though I'm thinking if I was even considering that I would first work on my family relationships.

Best of luck.

[Happy with two 17]

I'll be having my survey pre summer PG. Not sure that too two them at at work though, my boss knows but my work colleagues???? As we work on q medical setting will they just guess anyway.....

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[The Greater Fool 1,937]

If you have WLS without informing your unsupportive spouse all you are doing is adding another item or two to the list of knock down drag out fights in the future. WLS tends to make strong marriages stronger and weak marriages weaker. If you are already arguing about this, it's only going to get much worse if you move on your own.

I wonder if getting into counselling now before adding new grievances to an already long list of grievances wouldn't be the smart move. Perhaps in the safe space of a couples therapists' office you can learn the critical tools you need to learn before your marriage reaches the point of no return, at least if you're not already looking at that point well in the past.

You guys need to get back to being on the same team. You need to learn how to do this in the face of disagreeing on a few of the details. Couples counselling can be a huge help.

Good luck,

Tek

[BigSue 1,320]

I didn’t tell anyone other than medical professionals about my surgery. I’m 2.5 years post-op and still haven’t told anyone. I managed fine on my own after surgery; my biggest challenge was getting home from the hospital (the hospital said I couldn’t take a cab or Uber, so I paid a home care aide to drive me home). I took a week of vacation time at work and didn’t tell anyone I was having surgery.

However, I live alone. I assume you live with your husband, and I can’t imagine how it would be possible to have surgery without someone who lives with you finding out, unless he goes out of town for long periods of time and you somehow time your surgery accordingly. Even then, it would be difficult to hide, unless your plan is to have the surgery and tell him after the fact. Obviously, I am not a relationship expert in any way, but it does not seem conducive to a healthy marriage to have a major surgery without telling your partner.

[baribetty 165]

Ive had the surgery and so has my partner. I can promise you, you cannot get away with not telling your husband if you live together unless you take a good 2 weeks away, never show him your stomach again (incisions/scars) and stop eating together (forever?).

This is a major change and major surgery with a recovery period. You can’t lift things for a good period of time! You can’t walk fast or far for a while. You can only sip Water and eat a couple tablespoons at once.

Talking to a doctor together and therapist would be a better route. He may feel very hurt by you going behind his back. Especially going under anesthesia and having surgery.

Ultimately, you should do what YOU want to do, but please don’t do it in secret without some support, or having the pressure of lying to your spouse about it. If you were single, I’d say you could get away with not telling anyone, but a partner you live with? Can’t imagine that being possible.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, I can’t imagine how difficult this is, and I’m bummed he can’t get excited for you and your future TOGETHER! Good things will come after surgery for him too!!

[NP_WIP 273]

I did not tell my mom who lives with me but did tell my husband and close friend who lives in town (other friends and sister were told who live out of state). I can't imagine not having told my husband, getting in/out of bed was a struggle, I had to sleep with two pillows, facing up and had to do the log roll. Going up and down the stairs, sitting and getting up from the couch, coughing etc, the first few days were hard not painful but hard enough that you cannot hide your discomfort.

I second speaking to him honestly and letting him know your reasons. My husband has been supportive but the first time I brought it up he wanted me to try on my own since he had only heard the horror stories. Once he understood that it was about my health and future he was onboard.

[pintsizedmallrat 470]

Are you planning to "go away on a girls' trip" for a week or something? What explanation will you have for the scars, or why you can't eat very much, or eat certain things? What will you do if you have complications and need help or support from him, or if --god forbid-- you faint or pass out at home and he has to talk to your medical team for you?

If it were me, I'd lose the husband along with the weight. If he can't be happy for you before you've even had it, what is he going to be like when you're in good shape?

I'm different from some others because when people ask how I lost it, I'm honest. I don't want people to think these results are attainable for someone just working out and eating right, and I also didn't want people developing a more sinister reason in their heads for how I lost weight (i.e. I'm on drugs or have an eating disorder).

[ms.sss 14,637]

i think it would be harder to hide the surgery from ur husband than it would be to do it on ur own.

Yes, i think it would be challenging to manage without help after the surgery, but def not impossible.

Hiding it from ur husband on the other hand....

[SkinnyMingo1408 356]

I'm going to chime in with the tell your hubby group. I don't know what I would've done without mine but it did take him awhile to come on board. He was scared for me. Him realizing that this would make me healthier is what changed his mind... eventually. I had to give him time to come around.

If your relationship is how you're making it sound then I recommend either loosing the hubby or going to counseling. Either way a long look is needed at your relationship before you do anything to your body. As is, it doesn't seem healthy and will not be conducive to healing.

[NettyD 93]

@BigSue I’m in the same boat but I’m single. How did you pay a home aide to drive you home from hospital? Where can I look that up at?

[BigSue 1,320]

On 2/13/2023 at 6:05 PM, NettyD said:

@BigSue I’m in the same boat but I’m single. How did you pay a home aide to drive you home from hospital? Where can I look that up at?

I’m pretty sure I just googled home health care and called up a local company with good reviews. You can also search for medical transportation companies. The home health care company I called offered a 4-hour shift. It didn’t even cost much more than a cab, and the aide picked up my prescriptions and carried my bag into my house.

[NettyD 93]

Thanks @BigSue 😊