Emotional hurdles / Marriage issues

[CarmenP 52]

Hello all,

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I had my surgery in 2014, lost over 120 pounds, gained back roughly 15. So far, so good.

But I am having difficulties now that I never expected and I don’t know where else to turn.

In the last 4 years or so, I have fallen completely out of love with my husband. There is NO physical desire whatsoever, and I am bored and nearly emotionally indifferent - I say “nearly” because of course I care about him, want the best for him always, wish him no ill will in any way, etc…

But I feel as if my surgery/weight loss created not just a new body but a new PERSON.

Has ANYONE else experienced or even HEARD of such a thing happening to gastric bypass patients?

I feel lost. Trapped. Scared. I have been fighting how I feel for years, hoping it would improve.

Any insight is greatly, GREATLY appreciated.

Thank you. 💔

[summerseeker 1,833]

I have heard of this before. When we are overweight we loose ourselves and hide behind family and try to stay as small as possible and hide in the shadows. Gradually we are no longer the people we were.

I used to work in a Adult Education College. Every two years a new full time Art Course began. There were lots of middle aged ladies took the course and over the 30 hour week they put in these ladies slowly changed, their personalities and confidence began to blossom. You could physically see it happen. Many of these ladies left their husbands. They were different.

My husband was finished from his very physical job because of his ill health and lost all his confidence. It really shook him and he changed for the worse. I was his verbal punch bag. I took it for 2 years. I found somewhere else to live and gave him the ultimatum. You stop all this mental cruelty and go back to the man I love or I am gone in a week. With in a day he was back to the man I know and deeply love. He had it all but couldn't see it.

What I am trying to say in a roundabout way is confidence or lack of it, changes us. It changes the people around us. I would put a plan in place just so you have a bolt hole. Try speaking to your husband, tell him how you feel, try counselling. You never know you may meet in the middle again. You will always know you tried everything

[catwoman7 10,846]

that could/would have happened even if you'd never had surgery. It's not that unusual after being with someone for a long time. HOWEVER, the difference now is, you have more confidence - plus you're going to be attractive to a lot more potential partners. In other words, you have more options - and you don't have to put up with an unsatisfying situation if you don't want to (not that I'm encouraging you to leave - you're certainly not alone in falling out of love with a long-term partner. Some people stick with it regardless - others leave - but you have more options now and likely, a lot more confidence)

[SleeveToBypass2023 1,800]

16 hours ago, CarmenP said:

Hello all,

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I had my surgery in 2014, lost over 120 pounds, gained back roughly 15. So far, so good.

But I am having difficulties now that I never expected and I don’t know where else to turn.

In the last 4 years or so, I have fallen completely out of love with my husband. There is NO physical desire whatsoever, and I am bored and nearly emotionally indifferent - I say “nearly” because of course I care about him, want the best for him always, wish him no ill will in any way, etc…

But I feel as if my surgery/weight loss created not just a new body but a new PERSON.

Has ANYONE else experienced or even HEARD of such a thing happening to gastric bypass patients?

I feel lost. Trapped. Scared. I have been fighting how I feel for years, hoping it would improve.

Any insight is greatly, GREATLY appreciated.

Thank you. 💔

Yep, I'm there now. Or at least, heading that way. We've been together for 17 years, and the first 3 weeks after surgery, he was great. Now he's always yelling, literally screeches at me, picks fights, is miserable for who knows what reason. He was going to so the surgery and changed his mind. He went back to a vegan diet that he did years ago when he lost 120 pounds in 1 year. He's already cheated on it multiple times and lost motivation. I think he's on the verge of quitting. He was working out with me, then decided he's too tired or has other things to do or doesn't feel good or doesn't feel like it. So he quit. He's done this throughout his life. He starts something, it gets hard, he quits. Did it with work, did it with college, does it with everything. It's always bothered me, but I overlooked it because he was funny and sweet and fun and loving. Now it's getting harder and harder to overlook it. I try every day to remember what I love about him and why I'm still here. But that, too, is getting harder.

[summerseeker 1,833]

14 hours ago, SleeveDiva2022 said:

Yep, I'm there now. Or at least, heading that way. We've been together for 17 years, and the first 3 weeks after surgery, he was great. Now he's always yelling, literally screeches at me, picks fights, is miserable for who knows what reason. He was going to so the surgery and changed his mind. He went back to a vegan diet that he did years ago when he lost 120 pounds in 1 year. He's already cheated on it multiple times and lost motivation. I think he's on the verge of quitting. He was working out with me, then decided he's too tired or has other things to do or doesn't feel good or doesn't feel like it. So he quit. He's done this throughout his life. He starts something, it gets hard, he quits. Did it with work, did it with college, does it with everything. It's always bothered me, but I overlooked it because he was funny and sweet and fun and loving. Now it's getting harder and harder to overlook it. I try every day to remember what I love about him and why I'm still here. But that, too, is getting harder.

I am sorry this is getting tough for you too. At this moment in time you are having to deal with so many things at once it really must hurt that your husband is throwing tantrums and acting childish. He sounds really frightened that you are changing and does not know how to deal with his emotions. If only they could tell us their fears but that would be too simple. If you did split up, he would probably say it was because you changed after the surgery. Not that he couldn't handle the slimmer, confident person who has always lived inside you. I would send you a hug and a bowl of chicken Soup if I could. We women are made tough for a reason x

[ShoppGirl 3,343]

I think the fact that like 50% of marriages end in divorce anyways sorta skews our perceptions of surgery as the root of it. Yes you did have surgery but you had like a fifty fifty shot of feeling this way without the surgery. If I remember correctly the rate of divorce increases from 50 to 70% post surgery. I bet a lot of that 20% is probably what we’re already less than ideal marriages but people didn’t have the confidence to leave pre surgery. I believe a good marriage will only get better as one person becomes a healthier and happier version of themselves.

Regardless, the thought of ending it with someone you once cared so deeply about is never easy and not a decision to be taken lightly. Obviously only you know if it could help at this point but counseling saved my marriage years ago and now it’s better than I could have imagined. We just needed to learn how to communicate with one another. It sounds so simple but it made such a difference. That being said I went to counseling with my first husband too and the counselor basically told us to just get divorced. Lol.

[CarmenP 52]

Thank you for your open, honest thoughts, everyone.

It’s very, very difficult time for me. I just don’t feel any of the OOMPH for him anymore, and it’s been this way for enough time now that I know it won’t just “come back”.

I suppose part of me wants to get out and see what I missed while I was “trapped” inside my old self. I do think there is some truth to that, outside of the other issues we have. He’s a good man and takes wonderful care of me, but that’s not always enough, is it?

Thank you all again for your thoughts. ❤️