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Why Do People Think It's Okay To Tell You You're Fat?



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I'm sitting here this morning reminiscing and I can remember three times in my life when men, two of them my boyfriends at the time and the third one my boss, told me I was "big" and needed to lose weight. At that time I weighed about 160 which I would kill (not literally) to weigh now. I wasn't fat then. I was just on the bigger side but nice and curvy.

As I am sitting here drinking my coffee, I am realizing that I've NEVER told anyone they were fat or suggested that they need to lose weight. It's not my job. They have mirrors. They know if they're big. It's their business.

So I wonder why some people think it's okay to tell other people about their weight. And I really would have thought it would have been women to point out being fat, but in my case it was men.

It made me come to this thread to ask you if anyone's ever told you you're fat or suggested you lose weight? Oh wait, I just remembered another one, again a man, a co-worker who told me "You know you're getting kind of big, right? You need to lose some weight."

So how many times have you been told you're fat?

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Oh my god. I wish I could count on two hands how many times people have felt they could comment on my weight or size. Coworkers, innumerable family members, strangers. Honestly, it's dozens if not hundreds of times. Because you know, I didn't notice all the fat on my body without them telling me.

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Oh yeah. For me, it's been women commenting. Wrapped in "concern" (lol).

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ive personally never had a problem with people telling me i am fat. I knew it so it was no surprise and did not hurt my feelings or anything. and with friends we always joke about it and i find it hilarious. Tho i know not everyone is like me with the way i think.

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No adults have told me I'm fat, but they did bump into walls, poles, miss steps, etc. because they were staring at me. I rather stood out, crowds parted for me to walk through. Now I have to push through like everyone else.

Tek

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at 160 lbs, you were only six lbs overweight (I'm also 5'6", and our normal BMI range goes up to 154 lbs). I doubt you even looked that "curvy" at that weight! So I'm surprised anyone would have even said anything - sheesh! They must have liked rail-thin women!

my mother was always very appearance conscious. And most of my childhood I was on the high end of my normal BMI or slightly overweight. The way she went on and on about it, you'd have thought I weighed 400 lbs. I honestly think her obsession with my weight was a big factor in my lifetime of yo-yo dieting. I look back at pictures of myself in high school and college, where my weight bounced around between 155 and 170. Yes - I was technically overweight, but I looked fine. Sheesh.

so anyway, yep - heard it from my mother since practically the day I was born. And of course, once I was an adult and started gaining weight (it got really bad once I hit my 30s), I heard it from other people, too. Do they think I didn't know it? Again - sheesh.

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Posted (edited)

My mother and aunts and older female cousins (and my PCP) are/were the only ones that talked to me about my weight gain…at least to my face.

They never actually called me fat, but did say things like “maybe you should lose some weight”, “oh you’ve gained weight”, “you are bigger than the last time i saw you”, “you are eating too much”, etc etc. In the case of my PCP, he said stuff like “losing weight may help alleviate x”

It was annoying, but i chalked it up to busy-bodiness on my family’s part at least.

But i will say i got like 50x more comments than i ever got to my face about needing to gain weight, looking sick, not eating enough, being too skinny in the one year after WLS than i did about being fat in the 10-ish years i was overweight. And from a wider range of people, including stangers.

Which was equally annoying.

Mind you these same family members say other stuff too like: “oh i think its time to dye your hair, i see greys”, “you look tired, do u have any makeup on?”, “your forehead wrinkles are showing”, “your legs aren’t the best for miniskirts”.

🙄

I just nod/change subject.

People suck. Let it roll of u, if u can.

P.S. My legs are awesome for miniskirts, thankyouverymuch.

Edited by ms.sss

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It is NEVER ok to tell someone you're fat ever and if they do they clearly have no boundaries whatsoever i am sorry if this is happening to you it's not right and it's not fair its not even ok to tell ourselves we are fat its shameful and degrading , i am real sorry you're going through this no one deserves such shame based language based hurt , i hope you can put these people out of your life they don't deserve someone like you in theirs , have a great day and remember you're special in you own way regardless of what others think of you...period. ☺️

Don't sit it out 005.JPG

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Posted (edited)

Fat shaming happens in almost all cultures. Some culture more than others. I grew up in India and even normal BMI back then, I was called fat 🤷🏻‍♀️ (I am short so even little bit of weight and it would show up). Mom faced similar trajectory too. She was always called chubby even when she weighed 47 kilos at 5'0. Again normal BMI 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

For Indian culture I suppose anything more than 19 or 20 of BMI and your chubby/fat 🤦🏻‍♀️ Plus the first thing family (close and extended) would comment is on your weight no matter where you go. Happened a lot to me growing up. And after PCOS, I blew up and comments everytime I visited India were around my weight than my achievements 🤷🏻‍♀️ Similar weight culture can be found in other Asian countries too.

And Yeh, some people can slid it off but it's difficult to do so when you're only judged constantly based on your weight all your life than your success in life. Aka life took a deep blow and dive over chronic piled on years of criticism. It affected mental health dramatically and results have been disastrous. Still trying to climb up through the rabbit hole. Hopefully after WLS, life will take a different turn.

So yeh, criticism/suggestions from parents or siblings or even your doctor doesn't bother much, but constant weight related remarks from every tom d**k and Harry does pile up. It's easy to say ignore and move on but quite difficult to practice.

Though truly, best practice is to ignore and do your thing that is best for your health.

Social media also has this "If one is fat, what else are they supposed to be called?" Or that "calling out fat people will help them lose weight 🤦🏻‍♀️" All that is nothing but a way to mock fat people and take out their frustrations on others.

Edited by DaisyAndSunshine

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Fortunately, I haven’t ever been called fat as an adult. But the numerous times I was bullied throughout grades 5-12 made up for it.

I did get asked by a colleague once if I was pregnant (um…nope…) and people have made many positive comments since I lost weight. So, I know people were always looking and judging…just didn’t say it to my face.

Like Ms.sss wrote, people suck! It’s just made me all the more caring and empathetic to people who are obese or going through other tough situations.

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With the exception of the occasional stranger really leaning into their fat-shaming misogyny (getting "fat sl*t!" yelled at you from a passing car is always such a treat), the only adult who ever really badgered me about my weight was my mother. And it was relentless, especially when I was younger.

Other women and men though, less so, though there's always the non-verbal stuff like huffing when your seated next to them. And my personal favourite: men who completely ignore you in a conversation to focus on your thin friend.

Some people are just garbage, honestly. Rude, shallow jerks who feel entitled to your space. And taking their own unhappy lives out on others.

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Can’t recall being told I was fat outright but I do remember a boy at high school (I remember you Bill T) saying I was an ok swimmer because fat floats. And I wasn’t big or even really overweight then just puberty puffy.

Got told often I was voluptuous, very curvy, a larger frame, & other pseudo politically correct euphemisms for fat.

My mum was a bit passive aggressive: be careful or you’ll end up like your aunt Lilah. But she said nothing when I was at my highest because she was about the same size.

My very close girlfriends & I would talk a bit derogatorily about being fat but we all were & we knew it. Will my fat ass fit beside you type comments. We’re honest & open about most things though.

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I can't tell you or count how many times I was told I was fat since I was about 10 and weighed 90 pounds. In highschool I was 160 and so many people gave me the "you have such a pretty face if only you'd lose weight" line. I had friends tell me when I gained weight. When I became a nurse I had coworkers say stuff about my weight. When my son was a baby he was delayed and we thought he might have autism. When he was 5 we took him for an evaluation, and the doctor mentioned our weight (my husband is 6'10 and a big guy), and she went on an on about it which had NOTHING to do with why we were there. I've had doctors mention my weight for completely unrelated medical conditions. I had family members mention it. I could go on and on and on. Customers when I worked in retail before I was a nurse. And yes, men mentioned it too. But my husband, when we met, said I guess you weigh around 220. Just so blunt, lol. And NOT in a critical way. Just a matter of fact thing and he was the only person I ever admitted what I weight to, because I knew he didn't care what I weighed. And he doesn't care and never has.
But my whole life, I thought none of my accomplishments mattered because I was fat. I did a lot of soul searching long before I had wls and eventually realized I was me no matter what the outside looked like and I liked who I was. I learned to accept myself, and I think that has made this process easier. I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. I wasted too much of my life letting others tell me I wasn't good enough because of my weight.
And it is NOT OK to mention people's appearance whether it's weight or anything else. Many people are just jerks!

Sent from my Pixel 5a using BariatricPal mobile app

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19 hours ago, DaisyAndSunshine said:

Fat shaming happens in almost all cultures. Some culture more than others. I grew up in India and even normal BMI back then, I was called fat 🤷🏻‍♀️ (I am short so even little bit of weight and it would show up). Mom faced similar trajectory too. She was always called chubby even when she weighed 47 kilos at 5'0. Again normal BMI 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm Greek, and everyone in your extended family feels like they can comment on weight. If you are thin, they will criticize that as well, but generally not as much as being fat. At the same time, they are constantly push food on you, sometimes immediately after commenting on how you are fat. So yeah, lots of fun to navigate. It definitely makes you feel (or at least made me feel) like my worth was/is inversely proportional to my weight. You also are always navigating a mine field of how to deal with social situations (all based around food): if you eat too much, that's not good, but if you don't eat, what is wrong with you? Add to it all the fact that food is the coping mechanism for many, because they don't have healthier methods, and it's a powder keg. I'm definitely generalizing based on my experience but I think it is pretty accurate.

And all the "helpful" comments about how "beautiful you are, if you could lose weight" or how "you are the prettier sister, if you would lose weight". Yeah, those started early and often and do a great job of vaporizing your self confidence (at least when it came to my physical appearance).

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I am Irish and my family thinks they can make underhanded remarks about my weight ALL THE TIME and they ;augh about it more often than not and they know its hurtful yet they do it all the time and i am so tired of it remarks such as " here comes porky here comes chubby or look it here is fatty it goes right through me and i laugh it off because if you get defensive or if they see they get a rise out of you they only do it even more don't need to be reminded about my weight thank you very very much , so i have to say to you if try make remarks i know it's hard try to ignore it because bullies like to pick on people who feed their ego but they are the weak minded ones they will get theirs one day karma is a beautiful thing trust you ignoring them it makes them crazy again i know its h hard but do your best to just look away you're the better person by not feeding their foolishness they're not worth it, you're worth it, more then you know.

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