Living Rent Free

[alissajs 230]

My dad always told me that when you cant stop dwelling on what people say about you, you are letting them live rent free in your head. Well...there was a comment made on Sunday that I cant seem to evict!

My husband and I were visiting my inlaws in another state. We attended the church where my FIL is a preacher. We always attend church with them when we visit. Last visit we made was 2 weeks post op, so I had not lost really anything at that point. This was the first time the people at the church have seen me since my extreme weight loss. A lot of people made comments about how great I looked, and that didnt bother me at all. However, two ladies came up to my husband and I, told me I looked so good, then they turned to my husband and said, "looks like you really made out on that deal!" My husband laughed and said, "Yeah my investment really paid off!" For background, we got married two months before my surgery.

I tried to laugh it off in the moment, but I really had to bite back tears. I have never felt that my husband looked at me any differently at 284 or 140. He himself has said that he only saw me, never my weight. He says he loves me regardless.

Both comments, from the lady AND my husband's reply has been on repeat in my head all week. Who finds that comment appropriate to say to anyone?? I was a catch at my HW and I am no more or less of a catch at my CW. He didnt marry me hoping I would lose weight and look better physically, at least I would certainly HOPE not, seeing as he is overweight himself.

It was inappropriate and hurtful. Normally, I would address my husbands comment with him in private. However, our marriage has been rough (to say the least) lately and I didnt want to start an argument. I know he will tell me that it was a joke, I am being too sensitive and overthinking it. Which...maybe I am but that doesnt make the comments hurt less.

I dont know...I guess i just needed to vent to people that would understand!

[Tim C 335]

17 minutes ago, alissajs said:

My dad always told me that when you cant stop dwelling on what people say about you, you are letting them live rent free in your head. Well...there was a comment made on Sunday that I cant seem to evict!

My husband and I were visiting my inlaws in another state. We attended the church where my FIL is a preacher. We always attend church with them when we visit. Last visit we made was 2 weeks post op, so I had not lost really anything at that point. This was the first time the people at the church have seen me since my extreme weight loss. A lot of people made comments about how great I looked, and that didnt bother me at all. However, two ladies came up to my husband and I, told me I looked so good, then they turned to my husband and said, "looks like you really made out on that deal!" My husband laughed and said, "Yeah my investment really paid off!" For background, we got married two months before my surgery.

I tried to laugh it off in the moment, but I really had to bite back tears. I have never felt that my husband looked at me any differently at 284 or 140. He himself has said that he only saw me, never my weight. He says he loves me regardless.

Both comments, from the lady AND my husband's reply has been on repeat in my head all week. Who finds that comment appropriate to say to anyone?? I was a catch at my HW and I am no more or less of a catch at my CW. He didnt marry me hoping I would lose weight and look better physically, at least I would certainly HOPE not, seeing as he is overweight himself.

It was inappropriate and hurtful. Normally, I would address my husbands comment with him in private. However, our marriage has been rough (to say the least) lately and I didnt want to start an argument. I know he will tell me that it was a joke, I am being too sensitive and overthinking it. Which...maybe I am but that doesnt make the comments hurt less.

I dont know...I guess i just needed to vent to people that would understand!

From another man...yes you are being bit sensitive. This was hopefully said in jest. Women tend to wear their emotions on their sleeve more than men. OK....Now all you women jump on me with both feet!

[catwoman7 10,843]

on the other hand, he probably didn't know how to respond to that, and he didn't want to sound disagreeable or confrontational around people he really didn't know very well. I'd just let it go. I'm sure he just said it because it seemed like the thing to say to smooth over the situation, with a touch of humor at that, and it seemed like an easy way to just get out of the conversation and move on.

Edited April 3, 2021 by catwoman7

[Tim C 335]

2 minutes ago, catwoman7 said:

on the other hand, he probably didn't know how to respond to that, and he didn't want to sound disagreeable or confrontational around people he really didn't know very well. I'd just let it go. I'm sure he just said it because it seemed like the thing to say to smooth over the situation, with a touch of humor at that, and it seemed like an easy way to just get out of the conversation and move on.

Good answer Cat!

[ms.sss 14,617]

My suggestion would be to have a chat with your husband. It doesn't have to be an argument. Just a conversation.

❤️

[Tim C 335]

1 minute ago, ms.sss said:

My suggestion would be to have a chat with your husband. It doesn't have to be an argument. Just a conversation.

❤️

It sounds like it MIGHT lead to an argument if marriage has not been stellar recently.

[alissajs 230]

4 minutes ago, catwoman7 said:

on the other hand, he probably didn't know how to respond to that, and he didn't want to sound disagreeable or confrontational around people he really didn't know very well. I'd just let it go. I'm sure he just said it because it seemed like the thing to say to smooth over the situation, with a touch of humor at that, and it seemed like an easy way to just get out of the conversation and move on.

He is actually very good friends with these ladies, he used to live there, but I understand what you are saying about him not wanting to be confrontational. It just sucks when he expects me to defend him at all costs when the situation is reversed...which has happened.

[ms.sss 14,617]

4 minutes ago, Tim C said:

It sounds like it MIGHT lead to an argument if marriage has not been stellar recently.

True, if the OP can get over the bothersome thoughts and be at peace, then that would be ideal....but if this is going to fester, all she would be doing is postponing a potentially even bigger argument later.

Depends on if/when you want to deal.

Edited to add: sorry OP, don't mean to discuss you as a third person ❤️

Edited April 3, 2021 by ms.sss

[alissajs 230]

6 minutes ago, ms.sss said:

My suggestion would be to have a chat with your husband. It doesn't have to be an argument. Just a conversation.

❤️

I would LOVE to be able to express my feelings and it just be a conversation. Unfortunately, based on experience he doesnt like any time I disagree with his actions and he will make it in to an argument.

[Tim C 335]

Just now, ms.sss said:

True, if the OP can get over the bothersome thoughts and be at peace, then that would be ideal....but if this is going to fester, all she would be doing is postponing a potentially even bigger argument later.

Depends on if/when you want to deal.

I agree...Go on and get it over with if you can't let go. I believe he will think it is petty...just my thinking. If you can't move on then say something.

[alissajs 230]

16 minutes ago, Tim C said:

From another man...yes you are being bit sensitive. This was hopefully said in jest. Women tend to wear their emotions on their sleeve more than men. OK....Now all you women jump on me with both feet!

Fair enough. I would not joke about people's appearances or their worth based on appearance, but I get that my humor is not the same as everyone's.

[WanderingHeart 140]

Feelings need to be felt and they are never wrong. Feelings just exist to tell us something. This is telling you that you might need some reassurance from your husband. I think rather than dwelling on the specific incident, think about what you want and need from him. Ask for it. Kasia Urbaniak is an incredible teacher on asking for what you want.

on another note, I absolutely dread comments about my weight even if they're “compliments.” I am especially Apprehensive on what message my kids will get on weight and the value of certain bodies. I’m not sure what the answer is.

[Tim C 335]

1 minute ago, alissajs said:

Fair enough. I would not joke about people's appearances or their worth based on appearance, but I get that my humor is not the same as everyone's.

Male vs female emotions. I am not saying it is right but painting with a broad brush generally true.

[catwoman7 10,843]

I'm looking at this now from the women's perspectives - it's kind of awkward NOT to say anything when people have clearly lost a ton of weight. Pretty much everyone has seen me by now at a normal weight, and a lot of people never knew me when I was obese, but the first year or two after surgery, I got A LOT of comments. They kind of bothered me, but then again, when someone DIDN'T say something, it was almost weirder. Like...how could they not notice that I've lost 200 lbs? (I'm sure they DID notice, but it seemed weird to see the look on their faces, and then not having them say something). One woman, who clearly didn't want to mention my weight, asked if I had new hair style. WTF? I almost burst out laughing. The whole situation is just awkward all around. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Your husband probably didn't know how to respond to their comments other than to say something humorous and move on.

[The Greater Fool 1,932]

I'm a guy.

I don't see this as the hill to die on. This is him dealing with an awkward comment by old acquaintances. We're not always quick on our feet. Take the intended compliments as a win.

From your several comments, it sounds like this is just the most recent of a long line of comments and actions that have bothered you. My take is that he may be feeling insecure and may be why he is defensive about everything. He's the same shlub you married, but you are now becoming very attractive and might want to trade up.

If you and he let the resentments build it won't end well. The rapid changes of weight loss surgery tend to make good relationships better and bad ones worse. You need several conversations where you both can express your concerns and commit to your devotion. Several conversations. Insecurity is quick to build as this situation cranked you up. Reiterate that you both are on the same team.

Communication will help solve this one way or the other. Not communicating can only end one way.

Good luck.

Tek

Edited April 3, 2021 by The Greater Fool