Friend saw me for the first time in 3 months...

[Marie2021 5]

Congratulations on your weight loss and journey to becoming a healthier YOU! I think you should reevaluate your definition of “friend” because the people you described in your post are anything but that! Keep working towards the person YOU want to be. I attend weekly therapy sessions and we discuss a lot of coping skills so maybe some ongoing therapy with someone who is experienced with bariatric patients will help some. 💕

**sorry I read through the comments and realized everyone has already said similar things about your “friends” and counseling! Hang in there! You got this 💪🏾 

[JessLess 1,163]

Wow, I haven't logged in in months. Congratulations! You worked so hard! Such an achievement. Screw those envious, ignorant people. I hope you are able to start far away from that nonsense. Butchered? You probably saved your own life! Good job.

[Pilot my best self 50]

Jealousy is one word to describe your friends’ reactions. But they are likely also uneducated.
i was not going to tell anyone pre-op except my parents and only cuz they are going to be helping care for my daughter ( and me) post op. But I ended up telling a friend because we got into the topic of how discouraging weight loss has been for so long- she is probably in the low 200’s vs me who went from 245 to 300 in 5 years. Her initial reaction was as I had feared. Too drastic, not always successful, dangerous, and it’s just “calories in, calories out “...exactly my feelings too just 6 months ago. But explaining the reset you get with wls and biochemical change that happens, she appreciated both that I had done my research and that maybe she didn’t fully understand wls- and I am doing what is best for me even if she still doesn’t agree.
For sure your friends feel they are losing a comrade- I know I have felt that divide when a friend has lost weight and I felt left behind cuz I couldn’t hike, ride bikes, go to the beach like she was doing. And don’t get me started about her dating life.
Maybe having a heart to heart to air out your feelings and the medical basis for why this is not a decision for vanity’s sake, they will reassess their behavior and try to be supportive.
if not, they will probably be too toxic to be with while you are doing probably the best thing for yourself...I find therapists invaluable when I feel I can’t talk to friends.

good luck and hope you find support from them or others. But find that support wherever you can.

Edited March 21, 2021 by Pilot my best self

[Lahela 82]

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I am 3 days from surgery and my sisternis still telling me I dont need surgery, I am just fine. Regardless of the fact that I had A stroke at 35 yrs old and have kidney damage from my high blood pressure which I only have because of my weight. Despite having been on every fad diet since I was 12 years old. She knows has seen, has even done some diets with me, but I dont need to have surgery. I have come to realize that OFTEN the people in our lives like us in our "place" when they see us pushing for more, to be healthier. To be happier. It makes them jealous but more it makes them look at themselves and they cant make the same excusses because they now KNOW there is a way to make a change and they either dont want to take the steps necessary or they dont care.

You are making amazing choices for your own health and wellbeing. Your friends will either get on board or its time to find people who will be on your team 100%. It is heartbreaking to lose friends you truly love because they do not value you for you instead of how you lift them up and make them feel.

Keep working hard at this, your goals, your health is what is important!

[BayouTiger 62]

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded to this. But because of all of the helpful and incredibly kind comments I felt the need to update. I haven’t logged in in a while, I actually deleted myself off of all social media. I have an app that I take pictures every 3 days and I measure/weigh myself, and that is the only documentation that I need. At the advice of my Therapist (whom I’ve moved to seeing twice a week in these last 3 weeks) I did this to focus on me and my journey and not to let unsupportive people even enter my thought process. I can honestly say I’ve lost all of my people but my mom, dad and brother. One of the “friends” came around when she came to my house last week to pick up some tickets because I’ve been extremely ill the last 2 weeks (I’ve kept about 750 total calories down in 11 days and have had to get IV fluids twice, have to go back to the surgeon Monday 😕 I’ve gained 6 lbs back and have been so upset because NUT said my body is actually going into like “caveman mode”) When I walked out of the house she said “Holy sh!t, G you look absolutely amazing, I’m so proud of you.” And I’m not gonna lie, I busted into tears on my front porch. She then told me that I had inspired her to get back in the gym and she bought a digital food scale with the app like mine and same for the digital body scale. She actually looks really good as well. I’m really glad she came around. We’ve been supporting eachother now, in different ways (I’m not cleared to do anything but walk still— 47 days out) but keeping eachother accountable. The other 3, I don’t speak to anymore and the negativity that has left my life has been amazing. I don’t allow my family to post photos of me or anything anywhere so only the people that I have chosen (my family essentially) have been who have known so far. And that’ll be it.

As you all know, this is hard. It’s SO hard. I was run over by a 1 ton vehicle and had 8 operations and had to learn to walk again 3 different times and that was a county fair cake walk compared to this.

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you. I know you’re strangers on a message board, but you guys have been better “friends” and support system than I could ever imagine and I’m so so grateful for each and every one of you.

[TheMoxieMama 47]

Where is the "Mad as Hell" emoji? I have no patience for so-called friends who say such rude/mean-spirited/ignorant/clueless things. I'm so sorry you experienced this.

[ngmancini 22]

We are all human and what im learning which sounds crazy but i talk to my body now instead of ignoring it or hating it. Be gentle with yourself and congrats on your progress.

[WanderingHeart 140]

8 hours ago, ngmancini said:

We are all human and what im learning which sounds crazy but i talk to my body now instead of ignoring it or hating it. Be gentle with yourself and congrats on your progress.

Not at all crazy. Listening to your body is the most natural thing to do. It’s this crazy world that cuts us off from our body by teaching us not to trust it from infancy on! As a parent, it’s a struggle to watch other kids people interact with my kids and say things that contribute to this - “don’t cry, it’s not a big deal.” “Take 3 more bites” etc

[Lahela 82]

I am so sorry you had to go through this. My older sister told me up until literally the day of surgery that I dont need surgery, I am just fine. Regardless of the fact that I had A stroke at 35 yrs old and have kidney damage from my high blood pressure which I only have because of my weight. Despite having been on every fad diet since I was 12 years old. She knows has seen me, has even done some diets with me, but I dont need to have surgery.

I have come to realize that OFTEN the people in our lives like us in our "place" when they see us pushing for more, to be healthier. To be happier. It makes them jealous but more it makes them look at themselves and they cant make the same excusses because they now KNOW there is a way to make a change and they either dont want to take the steps necessary or they dont care.

I am almost 2 days post op, my husband told me while I was in surgery my best friend called him. They chatted and she was kind of freaking out saying "She will be littler than I am! That is not ok!" All because I told her that I set 3 goals for my self, with the final goal being at 150lbs. She is 155lb and basically tiod my husband she doesnt want me be thinner than she is. 🤯

I was actually not surprised since she has been trying to tell me what my goals should be and not to use the word restrictions and to not add in exercise. I know she loves me but I also know she like eveyone else has me in a particular role. Which doesnt include being healthy enough to have adventures. Typically, my BF, her husband, my older kids and my husband do the adventures, I sit on the sidelines with my bfs son and nore recently with my baby. I have told her very straight forward that I am planning to be active so I wont be on the sidelines anymore. She will have to figure out how to enjoy adventures with her 4 year old this year.

You are making amazing choices for your own health and wellbeing. Your friends will either get on board or its time to find people who will be on your team 100%. It is heartbreaking to lose friends you truly love because they do not value you for you instead of how you lift them up and make them feel.

Keep working hard at this, your goals, your health is what is important!

Sorry for the long winded response I think this hit a personal nerve.

Edited March 27, 2021 by Lahela

[ruthpets 77]

1 hour ago, Lahela said:

I am so sorry you had to go through this. My older sister told me up until literally the day of surgery that I dont need surgery, I am just fine. Regardless of the fact that I had A stroke at 35 yrs old and have kidney damage from my high blood pressure which I only have because of my weight. Despite having been on every fad diet since I was 12 years old. She knows has seen me, has even done some diets with me, but I dont need to have surgery.

I have come to realize that OFTEN the people in our lives like us in our "place" when they see us pushing for more, to be healthier. To be happier. It makes them jealous but more it makes them look at themselves and they cant make the same excusses because they now KNOW there is a way to make a change and they either dont want to take the steps necessary or they dont care.

I am almost 2 days post op, my husband told me while I was in surgery my best friend called him. They chatted and she was kind of freaking out saying "She will be littler than I am! That is not ok!" All because I told her that I set 3 goals for my self, with the final goal being at 150lbs. She is 155lb and basically tiod my husband she doesnt want me be thinner than she is. 🤯

I was actually not surprised since she has been trying to tell me what my goals should be and not to use the word restrictions and to not add in exercise. I know she loves me but I also know she like eveyone else has me in a particular role. Which doesnt include being healthy enough to have adventures. Typically, my BF, her husband, my older kids and my husband do the adventures, I sit on the sidelines with my bfs son and nore recently with my baby. I have told her very straight forward that I am planning to be active so I wont be on the sidelines anymore. She will have to figure out how to enjoy adventures with her 4 year old this year.

You are making amazing choices for your own health and wellbeing. Your friends will either get on board or its time to find people who will be on your team 100%. It is heartbreaking to lose friends you truly love because they do not value you for you instead of how you lift them up and make them feel.

Keep working hard at this, your goals, your health is what is important!

Sorry for the long winded response I think this hit a personal nerve.

Lahela - this is such a GREAT post, TY!! You touch on sooooo many things that 100% true (especially about friends, who, even though they may love us, want us to stay put in the role they're accustomed to having us in: the funny fat wingman, in particular). I hate that women can still feel threatened, competitive with each other when we are our own best resources for each other! There's enough of... attention? love? whatever!!! for all of us to go around. Anyway, again thanks for putting this all into words that I have felt but not ever expressed. Best of luck to you and to ALL of us!! YAY to us for being brave and wanting a different trajectory for our lives, in spite of what we/others haves assigned us in the past!!

[JazzyJess20 32]

On 2/20/2021 at 11:40 PM, BayouTiger said:

Hi y’all, I’m back for some support because I can feel mine waning so quickly it’s actually outpacing my weight loss. So today I got to see a friend for a second for the first time since November. (I’ve lost 48 lbs since then). She told me I looked “sickly” and “50 lbs is plenty” and that I was going to regret “butchering my body” in 10 years when I end up back where I started. She said all what I’ve done is undermined the hard work that people like her have put in to do it “the non cheaters way out.” I was actually stunned to hear those words uttered to me. I’m not trying to toot my own horn, but I’m nice to a fault, like I get told by people all the time I have no mean bone in my body. I didn’t have the guts to stand up for myself in that moment. I would never dream of being unsupportive of ANYONE trying to better themselves. So seeing people I’ve confided in and spent so much time with in my adult life turn on me for something that was done for health reasons that would have eventually killed me, has absolutely demoralized me. I don’t need to be coddled, but a little bit of “yeah we’ve seen first hand, your health deteriorate in the last 2 years, this is definitely something that’s going to help you so we’re here” would just mean a lot. But alas, I guess my expectations are too high.

This is my 3rd friend in 3 weeks to completely rail on me and tell me how dumb I am or how big of a failure I’m going to be, and I don’t think this isn’t the kind of journey that I can do on my own. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know who to confide in, and I don’t know how to convince myself that people are gonna judge and I’m just going to have to be okay with it. But I’m struggling. Never thought doing something to save my life would rid me of all my 3 best friends. And these aren’t co-workers or acquaintances, these are hang out every weekend, talk daily, been doing it for 5 years, type of people. How do I get through this? Any advice is welcomed and appreciated.

Sorry for being so long winded. If you read this far, thank you. I just needed to vent.

This "friend" sounds like a scared hater. She's scared because...well, you will look better than her and she'll see/feel it. And she's a hater because she doesn't have the guts to do what you've done.

My cousin warned me of the 'friends' that you speak of. She told me that many people who have surrounded themselves with my presence, have done so for various reasons. And sadly, some of those reasons were/are because I was the "safe" friend that made them feel better about themselves. Don't get me wrong, I am not (nor have I ever) considered myself ugly in any way. However, my weight has hidden me. And this was intentional. But when you ****** your power back and become the person you have been running from, you're going to mess up some people's comfort zones.

I've seen/felt some snyde remarks about surgery possibly being the "easy" way out and it truly isn't. On any level. I am only 4 days post-op and I can see that. It is a life-long committment and sacrifice (with minimal to zero choice) of ever going backwards. Yes, some people gain weight back, but realistically....its almost impossible to ever seen such numbers on the scale again.

Its time to reevaluate your friends. Cut em' loose.

[Jaelzion 1,123]

5 hours ago, Lahela said:

I am almost 2 days post op, my husband told me while I was in surgery my best friend called him. They chatted and she was kind of freaking out saying "She will be littler than I am! That is not ok!"

My sister once said something similar to me: "Oh man, you're going to be smaller than I am now." My sister loves me but she's also used to me being her fat little sister. No matter what I accomplished or achieved, she always had this great equalizer: I was fat and she was not. That's gone now. In her eyes, we are now on equal footing and she's not completely okay with that. Sometimes other people have as much or more trouble than I do adjusting to the change in my weight.

[GiCoDr 13]

That’s not your friend. At all. We are here for you.

[ms.sss 14,634]

1 hour ago, Jaelzion said:

My sister once said something similar to me: "Oh man, you're going to be smaller than I am now." My sister loves me but she's also used to me being her fat little sister. No matter what I accomplished or achieved, she always had this great equalizer: I was fat and she was not. That's gone now. In her eyes, we are now on equal footing and she's not completely okay with that. Sometimes other people have as much or more trouble than I do adjusting to the change in my weight.

You know, now that I think of it, my BFF said almost the exact same words to me. She said, "You are on your way to being even smaller than me" (she is "normal" sized). It didn't occur to me until reading your post now that it may have come from a place of insecurity? I don't remember it bothering me at the time though, I just took it as a statement of potential fact. I love her to death, and I know she loves me back so maybe that may have influenced my reaction (or non-reaction, I guess) when she said it.

Although I do seem to remember it pretty distinctly, so it must have probably hit some sort of something since I can remember it now, 2+ year later.

I have yet to date to receive any flat-out perceived snarky remarks form those I hold dear. I had however, got a few annoying words/comments from some extended family members at family parties pre-covid. But they are not very high on my love list so it didn't much matter to me....more of an annoyance vs. an injury.

But its been a while now since I've been this size, and its all par for the course now with all that I interact with. Like with most things, its just a matter of time getting used to a new normal.

[ngmancini 22]

People are going to perceive us one way or another. Thats their perception and we have to learn that we need to love ourselves . People will either or accept us for who we are or screw them. Sorry i am just learning to love who i am its a process