Husband's

[DwGirl 94]

Let me start by saying I really love this man , But..... since deciding to have WLS every time I bring up the surgery or things concerning it he is always being shady or condescending. I really wanted him to be happy and to support me but I see that its just not gonna happen. He keeps saying all of this is just happening too fast, and the kids are starting school.

LISTEN DEAR, I have been everything to everyone for many years and now its time for me, you can handle 1 weekend without me step your game up man.

Sent from my SM-G970U using BariatricPal mobile app

[drawingdami 34]

Sounds like your husband might be scared of the coming changes that he has no control over. Have you said to him something like, " I understand that you can't feel happy about this, but I would like your support. It is going to happen with or without it, and I would rather not be resentful that you didn't support me during this time." Then tell him how to support you, specifically. Most men I know do very well with specific instructions. They just are not very intuitive!😏

The man in my life has had NO reaction to all of this. Neither positive or negative. When I asked what he thought about all of this, he kind of shrugged his shoulders and said, "Do you" and "I hope it's worth it". That was it. My surgery is scheduled for September 2nd, and he is still like, "Doo-dee-doo-dee-doh".🙄

[NewYorkButterfly 14]

Omg girlll my situation is exactly the same. This is scary ! Smh ! Just know you have us as support here. I have finally got my family to support me and came on here 2 days ago again to find support. You got this! Don’t let him ruin your happy mood for your new life. This is what my fiancé does constantly. My kids are ages 6 and 3. So he also uses the school thing as an excuse and always saying how “This is not a good time.” Never put a time on getting healthy. Everything will fall into place. ❤️❤️❤️ My date is 9/28, I am next, I am excited, my fiancé isn’t, but it’s my body, my health, my choice. Amen.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

On 8/26/2020 at 2:51 PM, DwGirl said:

Let me start by saying I really love this man , But..... since deciding to have WLS every time I bring up the surgery or things concerning it he is always being shady or condescending. I really wanted him to be happy and to support me but I see that its just not gonna happen. He keeps saying all of this is just happening too fast, and the kids are starting school.

LISTEN DEAR, I have been everything to everyone for many years and now its time for me, you can handle 1 weekend without me step your game up man.

Sent from my SM-G970U using BariatricPal mobile app

good morning.... Pretty much the same status i started with .... it was 2009 and at 5'2" and 232lbs. I had NO self confidence and NO sense of self. My x brought me to nothing. He (6'4" not overweight) is the most self-centered, selfish, controlling, norcicistic man you will ever met. I took it for 26 years... technically 29, we dated for 3 years. It was a gradual thing... At first it was my friends, then my co-workers, then my family. We would only do things with his friends and family. I could never do anything with friends and co-workers only if he was there. Family, i could on holidays and he would never come. He controlled everything even though i work all the time (2-3 jobs sometimes). He took all of my main jobs money. I was able to keep the cash of the other (waitress). This is what i used to buy personal stuff and my kids things. I couldn't even buy underwear without his approval. I would sew up the holes just to avoid an argument. Cut my kids pants for shorts for school.... it was ruff.

I thought all those years ago, if only i were skinny i could make him happy. Make him love me again, make him want to be with me sexually... and life would be fine. But NO, life after the band got worse. From day one he hated the thought of me losing weight. He was very degrading to me and one of the biggest was my weight. Of course, he told me all the "normal" things you tell a large person..... Your fat, no one will ever want you, you are disgusting, Lazy.... that i was ugly... But when i tried to lose weight he would always sabotage it. He knew and would still make me bring him home cake, pie, ice cream...., Then say, you don't have to eat it. Well when i decided to have WLS, he fitted out... he did everything in his power to get me to change my mind, and when i didn't and was doing my 2 week liquid diet..... he decided to go on a 4 day bike drive to the mountains. I stood strong and didn't cheat not once. As it would turn out, that trip saved me.... My company did a massive lay off and i was to be part of the over 100 to be let go. But because i wasn't there they couldn't lay me off. That Tuesday i had the band sx and went back to work the following Monday and lost my job and insurance.... It was a blessing in disguise. Over the next year, i lost 69lbs. the next year i lost 20lbs and that's pretty much where i stayed. In 2012 without him know till two day before i had a TT w/MR and Lipo to the flanks..... HOLY HELL was he mad. I thought i didn't come all this way to be left with saggy skin... As my confidence grew my tolerance of him got less and less. Even with him still degrading me.... I was too skinny, looked like a bag of bones, still ugly, but now he pointed out the wrinkles. And through it all...... Why are you losing weight? You must be cheating... NO. In 2014ish.... i got to the point where i hated going home. My oldest was out the house and married and my youngest was on his way. There was nothing at home except my dog and a hateful miserable husband. I asked him so many times for counseling... he said, if you pay for it, i'll go, but i don't need that, there is nothing wrong with me.... It's all you. That was it, the last straw... i started preparing my self to be on my own. In July of 2015 i told him that if things didn't change, i was filing for divorce come January. He of course didn't believe me, well January came and i filed. He still didn't believe i would go through with it.... but when i started going out and leaving him home he finally got it. I was gone forever. I made him move out July 4th.... My independence day..... It was like the world was lifted off me. I could breathe. And i figured if i had too, i would work 3 jobs again... My weight went up and down over the years, but never more than 20lbs.... i was at my lowest when he left 130ish. But got back to my normal 143lbs.
Dating was exhausting and fun all in one. Then in Oct i signed up for Match on a "free" week just to see what was out there in crazy land. And i met the man of my dreams.... we talk, texted for a few weeks and then met in person. I never knew men could be like this. Opened doors, pulled out chairs, walk nearest the road, carried my luggage, complimented me, listen to all my crap... Including that i was dating others and was NOT interested in a relationship. But i found myself comparing all the other men to him... and my friend said, men like him and one in a billion, take him before someone else does..... and i did. He is the most incredible man, supports me in everything including my revision to the sleeve a year ago..... and our 1 year wedding is on the 28th...

[drawingdami 34]

@BayougirlMrsS-- I am so glad you found your strength, courage and self-worth. I am also glad you found yourself a good man! Your story makes me very happy.🤗

My dude is a good dude, but for the last 5 years, he has shown no affection what so ever. We live like friendly roommates, doing out own thing. I don't know what is going on within him, but he won't talk about it, and won't bother with therapy. I don't know if he feels self conscious--he was thin for most of his life, but then because of illness and medication, he gained a little over 100lbs. His weight doesn't bother me except that I am worried about his health. I know something has to change, but we are so interconnected for so many reasons, it would be hard to detangle ourselves, both practically and emotionally. And frankly, I don't want to. In other respects he is a good partner. We make a good team, I think. But I didn't get married to live like a nun. I don't know how my upcoming changes will affect our relationship, if at all.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

51 minutes ago, drawingdami said:

@BayougirlMrsS-- I am so glad you found your strength, courage and self-worth. I am also glad you found yourself a good man! Your story makes me very happy.🤗

My dude is a good dude, but for the last 5 years, he has shown no affection what so ever. We live like friendly roommates, doing out own thing. I don't know what is going on within him, but he won't talk about it, and won't bother with therapy. I don't know if he feels self conscious--he was thin for most of his life, but then because of illness and medication, he gained a little over 100lbs. His weight doesn't bother me except that I am worried about his health. I know something has to change, but we are so interconnected for so many reasons, it would be hard to detangle ourselves, both practically and emotionally. And frankly, I don't want to. In other respects he is a good partner. We make a good team, I think. But I didn't get married to live like a nun. I don't know how my upcoming changes will affect our relationship, if at all.

I understand 100%. He and i would go with only having sex 2 a year... there for a little while it got better, but then it stopped again. I told him if he wasn't going to i would find someone else. We were the same... we lived like roommates. It was awful.... and what added insult... i was in my early 40ies and my sex drive was going 100mph...

I told my husband now, if he can't keep up... don't apply for the job... hehe.... He keeps up and thats a lot to ask...

When having WLS you have to have a strong relationship. I know that after i lot the weight and then had the tt, the attention from others was intoxicating.... and can get people in "trouble".

[drawingdami 34]

31 minutes ago, BayougirlMrsS said:

When having WLS you have to have a strong relationship. I know that after i lot the weight and then had the tt, the attention from others was intoxicating.... and can get people in "trouble".

The only other time I have lost a lot of weight was years ago in my 20's when I had to go through chemotherapy. Once my hair grew back, I was suddenly getting loads of attention. I was scared stiff and a little bit angry. I was used to being invisible or a little picked on and now suddenly I was worth being noticed...a LOT...by everybody! It was so overwhelming I kind of shut down. It made me think most people were assholes if it took going through chemo and losing 70lbs to be worth anyone's time. I was very suspicious and cynical.

Now, I'm in my late 40's and I feel the same anxiety I felt when I was younger starting to creep back in. I think I will attract a lot less attention now, but I still fear the feeling of 'visibility' to others.

I don't think I ever really realized how much I use my physique as a shield until I started this process.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

18 hours ago, drawingdami said:

The only other time I have lost a lot of weight was years ago in my 20's when I had to go through chemotherapy. Once my hair grew back, I was suddenly getting loads of attention. I was scared stiff and a little bit angry. I was used to being invisible or a little picked on and now suddenly I was worth being noticed...a LOT...by everybody! It was so overwhelming I kind of shut down. It made me think most people were assholes if it took going through chemo and losing 70lbs to be worth anyone's time. I was very suspicious and cynical.

Now, I'm in my late 40's and I feel the same anxiety I felt when I was younger starting to creep back in. I think I will attract a lot less attention now, but I still fear the feeling of 'visibility' to others.

I don't think I ever really realized how much I use my physique as a shield until I started this process.

I'm so glad you are still here with us. I could not imagine going through what you have. I do understand the wanting to be invisible...

[FlabulousQueen 12]

On 8/26/2020 at 12:51 PM, DwGirl said:

Let me start by saying I really love this man , But..... since deciding to have WLS every time I bring up the surgery or things concerning it he is always being shady or condescending. I really wanted him to be happy and to support me but I see that its just not gonna happen. He keeps saying all of this is just happening too fast, and the kids are starting school.

LISTEN DEAR, I have been everything to everyone for many years and now its time for me, you can handle 1 weekend without me step your game up man.

Sent from my SM-G970U using BariatricPal mobile app

Hi. I'm in the same boat. I wanted to go through with the WLS in 2014 and even got my surgery date but he refused to take me and I had to cancel. This time, I will do the whole thing with or without him. We started seeing a therapist and I told the therapist that I'm not willing to give up on this. The therapist said that he should be supportive regardless of his feelings against the surgery. He took me to my endoscopy on Monday and complained for nearly the entire way back (until I put on my headphones). He said, "why should you get to lose weight the EASY way and I have to lose weight the hard way." He doesn't understand me. I'm doing this for me. He can either get on board or not but this time, I will not be swayed and will take an Uber to the hospital if I have to (all of our family lives in another state).

[DwGirl 94]

Yes, do what you have to do YOLO, I will be having surgery in 2 days and he still acting kinda funny but, idgaf I'm happy for myself and my kids are my biggest cheerleaders. I made a commitment to myself this year and with the grace if God I will see this thru. Good luck to you dear I hope it all works well for you

[FlabulousQueen 12]

1 minute ago, DwGirl said:

Yes, do what you have to do YOLO, I will be having surgery in 2 days and he still acting kinda funny but, idgaf I'm happy for myself and my kids are my biggest cheerleaders. I made a commitment to myself this year and with the grace if God I will see this thru. Good luck to you dear I hope it all works well for you

Yes! My older son is super supportive and both kids are really helpful. We don't need our husband's support and permission! We have our kids and the support of this group!

[New Me, New Mind 106]

Yes, do what you have to do YOLO, I will be having surgery in 2 days and he still acting kinda funny but, idgaf I'm happy for myself and my kids are my biggest cheerleaders. I made a commitment to myself this year and with the grace if God I will see this thru. Good luck to you dear I hope it all works well for you

Update? How u feelin post-op??

Sent from my SM-N960U using BariatricPal mobile app

[DwGirl 94]

Ok, so 1 day post opp and let me just be honest day 1 was very rough the pain and the gas was enough to have me calling on the lord.... but its been a little over 24 hr and I kinda feel 1/2 way ok..... still have not had anything to drink yet but I have been walking. One thing 4 sure I am making sure they stay on top of my pain meds every 2 hr.

[drawingdami 34]

6 hours ago, DwGirl said:

Ok, so 1 day post opp and let me just be honest day 1 was very rough the pain and the gas was enough to have me calling on the lord.... but its been a little over 24 hr and I kinda feel 1/2 way ok..... still have not had anything to drink yet but I have been walking. One thing 4 sure I am making sure they stay on top of my pain meds every 2 hr.

You and me both! The first 36 hours were just plain awful. I really was like, what the f!ck did I just DO?!?!?😱 I am finally being discharged today. I do agree with walking. That really does work the gas out. I started to do the electric slide down the hallways. It made the nurses crack up but it really works to move the gas out!😂

[MandoGetsSleeved 431]

I'll jump in here. First, my husband is the most amazing man for me. I couldn't ask for a better husband or friend. Ultimately he has supported almost every decision I have made including WLS. That being said, when I first brought it up, he did NOT like the idea. He's someone who who generally shows very little emotion outwardly and I have to pry some things out of him. What I discovered is that he was SCARED. SCARED - For him, surgery is an absolute last option for anything. He never once told me "You can't do this." (Pretty sure he knew better!) That being said, once we really started talking about it and I showed him the odds of complications, he started coming around. He still preferred that I not take the risk, but DID support my decision.

I'm still very new into this process (only 3 weeks post surgery), but now that he sees I'm fine and we have more or less resumed our normal daily lives he's very involved and supportive in the process. I had my surgery just a few days before his birthday and our new joke is that I gave him a trophy wife for his birthday!

It sounds like you have a great guy and a great relationship. A good foundation will hopefully ease him into this decision.