Unsupportive Partner

[AliciaBoyles 4]

*Caution, Kind of a long read*

Hi everyone,

I had a my surgery in December 2019 and even before surgery my boyfriend of almost 5 years was very against me having surgery. His question is always "what am I going to gain from you having this surgery?" and he doesn't seem to care at all that losing weight is what is best for me. At my highest weight I was about 10 pounds shy of reaching 300 pounds and he always was very against me getting over 300 pounds and he constantly told me that if I worked out and ate right I could easily lose the weight I wanted to lose on my own (though it is very hard to lose almost 100 pounds on your own with support, i couldn't imagine doing it with the little to no support he was offering). He has horrible eating habits himself, soda, fast food 3-5 times weekly, and no exercise but lucky for him he has always been skinny and has a fairly good metabolism and never has to worry about his weight. I went back and forth for years over having surgery and my mom had gastric bypass in 2016 and lost about 200 pounds and is doing amazing and he swears up and down that I did this surgery just because she kept telling me to (which is entirely untrue) and that if I didn't listen to everything my mom said then I would have been able to lose the weight on my own and now he just thinks I took the easy way out. Which, a bit of back story, I was very very sick after my surgery and in a lot of pain and I could not get fluids or food down well for the first 2 months post op and I was so weak I could hardly get out of bed and if I did I would feel faint and practically pass out in the shower, on the toilet, etc. He saw me go through all of this until they found out I had a stricture and they had to go in and dilate it and now I feel amazing, but still after watching me go through all of this he still thinks that I was weak and took the easy way out. Now he thinks that at 3 months post op and 65 pounds down from my highest weight and still another 60 pounds away from my goal that I am getting far too skinny and that I need to stop right now at the weight that I am at or else he will no longer find me attractive. I don't think he seems to understand that I can not simply just stop losing weight and that I had this surgery in the first place to lose a significant amount of weight because I was morbidly obese. I have been overweight almost my whole life and all I have ever wanted was just to be a normal goal, have boys like me, make friends, have confidence, and be able to shop in a normal store and not have to desperately search for cute clothes which rarely existed in the plus sized section. Now I have a boy that I love and would hate to lose but he is making it seem like I made this super selfish decision to change MY BODY without his consent and that now I should feel guilty for potentially flushing out 4 year long relationship down the drain and wasting his time. I just don't know what to do now, he said not to call him until I can explain to him how me losing weight and getting "skinny" is going to benefit him in any way. I'm just saying, I did this surgery for me, I deserve to be happy and feel good about myself too. I don't give a single damn about being skinny, I just want to be happy and healthy and at almost 300 pounds I was so far from that that it's not even funny. I just need his support and I don't think i'll ever get it.

[biginjapan 647]

You said it yourself - your boyfriend is all about what's in it for HIM, how does losing weight help HIM? You didn't get HIS consent to change your body? Are you kidding? He hasn't shown you the least bit of support in any of your weight loss efforts and you are feeling guilty that you are the person that is causing this relationship to fail? You did this for YOU, not him. You did this because you want a healthier, happier life. If he hadn't been your boyfriend for the past 4 years, would you have done this anyway? I think you really need to take a good hard look at your relationship and to evaluate if it's the best thing for YOU going forward. Even though the surgery helps with weight loss, you still need support (or at the very least, the lack of negativity). Is he the one to give it to you? Would you rather live with his negativity than be alone?

I'm not saying any of these things to make you feel bad, but just because there's no point in beating around the bush. The reality is, a lot of relationships fail when weight loss surgery is involved. If you don't believe me, search these forums. You'll find plenty of examples of people who broke up, or divorced, directly as a consequence of the success that resulted from the surgery. It's often not because of the surgery itself, but because of what it represented. Maybe the person losing weight was getting too attractive and the other partner felt threatened by it. Or because the person getting the surgery decided to focus on themselves instead of focusing everything on their partner (and others) that they had been doing for years - and then the partner didn't like it. You just have to decide if he's worth keeping, and if so, what kind of counselling or other help you both can get to help you stay together; or if he's not and it's better to be free, whatever happens. Either way, it's a tough choice.

[rjan 163]

The benefit to him is the years you are adding to your life, and the significantly better health you will have during those years. For example, check out these articles.

https://asmbs.org/articles/weight-loss-surgery-reduces-risk-of-coronary-heart-disease-by-40-percent

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/07/180716103541.htm

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25466723

You've reduced your risk of coronary heart disease by 40%.

If you already had diabetes, your chance of remission is 40% - if you don't have it you've reduced your chances of getting it by 74%.

You've reduced your risk of certain cancers (breast, endometrial) by 77%.

If he does not see your improved health and longer life as enough of a benefit to him, then he is not the sort of person you want to be with.

[AJ Tylo 1,398]

Going WLS Male on this one!

All of us who are male are dumb ass stupid including myself! We are genetically HEAR ME ROAR! so my view is this is your journey you did this for yourself Not him! He wants to kill himself stay clear, You are no position with your journey to carry his weight!

He will either get his head out of his ass like myself!

Or he will be like my best buddy Barron! - he is currently in a Urn at age 53

So focus on yourself he is going to see the results and when you are able you can give some support but it will take something other then you to wake him up! For me it was a trip thru the Cardiac Ward laying there wondering if i would ever see my kids again. He is a food addict like all of us, I would eat fast food 5 times a week, drink like a fish and eat like a animal. I know where he is at.

Enjoy your journey - This is for you! Do not get frustrated Do not get on his case about it - he will push back all males do! Just do your thing and slowly he will see you changing, you being happy and maybe wake up!

[Krimsonbutterflies 661]

I have a few questions for you to pose to yourself, from a viewpoint of support for you as a fellow member of this community that you are lovingly accepted into.

Do you think his behavior is respectful, loving, uplifting towards you?

You do know that you aren't his property and don't need his "consent" to prioritize yourself or your health?

Does he have a fetish for bigger women and is your losing weight a turnoff for him (physically and mentally)?

Is he genuinely a friend who sincerely supports you with other endeavors in your life, without needing to personally gain/benefit from you/it?

Does he encourage you to build your confidence and self esteem daily?

Does he encourage your individuality?

Does he support you having healthy outside relationships with your family, colleagues and etc.?

Do you feel comfortable discussing your individual dreams, goals, achievements and vision for your life/future independent of his benefit?

Do you feel uplifted after talking to him and like he's a positive light in your life?

These are a few things to ask yourself and be honest with yourself about how you are truly feeling. 5 years in a relationship doesn't mean that you are being loved, supported and respected by your mate. I know that we don't know the entire history of your relationship, but he sounds cruel and controlling. His punishment that he's imposing upon you and his request to not be contacted until you can explain yourself to him what he will benefit from you is not the behavior exhibited by a person who cares for someone. He sounds insecure, manipulative and insensitive to your need to get your health on track. He's right there in the dictionary under narcissist!!! His attitude towards you and yes your mother too is disrespectful and you are worthy of being respected, loved and supported. You should be celebrated by your partner for your accomplished weight loss thus far and please don't dream of sabotaging your success and trying to stop your journey. We will cheerlead, shout to the mountain tops and yell praises for you to win!!

You are worthy, beautiful and deserving of whatever your heart desires.

I wrote this with the intention of being a supporter of your journey and not to preach or judge. This is the judgment free zone, I just don't like bullies who rain on other people's happiness and blessings.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

@AliciaBoyles ..... Lets start with the obvious. He is your BF... and sounds like a controlling ****. Your child, is it his? Not that it really makes a difference. Did anyone ever warn you about the high % of people that lose relationships due to WLS? (raises hand, screaming meeeee)

I can see so much of what you said in myself. I meet my x in the late 90ies, we have one son together. We were married for 26 years. When we first got together i was 5'2" and about 100lbs. very tiny. After having my son i started putting on weight. He would make comments about me gaining and that i was fat and ugly and that no one would want me if i left him. He was very controlling. He controlled everything... Me, son, money, house.... even the food i was allowed to buy, i didn't even have a CC for our account. He would give it to me, send me to the store and as soon as i walked he i would have to turn it over to him. He is 6'4" so even when he would gain a few, he was still ok. Years went by and my confidence and self-worth went down to nothing.... It was everything to get out of bed and go to work every day. My weight kept going up up up.... my HW 232#. One day i was talking to a co worker and she told me about her WLS (band). I started researching and knew i could get approved. So i mentioned it to him.... He BLEW HIS TOP. Saying i didn't love him anymore and that i was being selfish... oh and i must have another man on the side that i wanted to lose weight for. I didn't start my WL journey because i wanted to get healthy... i wanted to "save my marriage". I wanted him to find me attractive again (sex 1-4 x's a year). In my crazy head if i lost the weight he would love me again like he use too........ NOT. It didn't help at all, in fact, it made it worse. He became even more of an a$$ hole than before. He bacame more controlling... I couldn't even have a cell phone. Well i didn't listen to him and had the Band in 2009. It saved me in so many ways. My weight (at 143) and my mental health. I woke up from this fog that i had been in for 25+ years. I realized that i didn't have to live like that anymore. Even if i were to never meet a man and live the rest of my life alone.... i was ok with that. I divorced him. last Sept. i married the most amazing man EVER.

Here is something to think about..... If your Best friend would come to you and tell you the same things that you are going through.... What would you tell her? You need to prepare yourself... lots of people start cheating (both ways). I know tons of women in your situation that found out later that their husband started cheating when they started losing.

He is looking for a way out.... he's not happy with the overweight you, now he's not happy with the slimmer you. He basically making you chose him or your health and happiness. There is one problem... HE doesn't have to do your dying for you. God forbid something happened.... Trust in the fact that he would go on and find another woman to control. My ex told me to stop losing weight and at first, i did, then i thought...... F*ck him.. i'm doing this for me. I need to take care of me. He is a grown a$$ man. Now he has no one to cook, clean, work, make his appointments, pick up his RX's, take care of the dog, take care of the yard..... He didn't even know how to turn on the dishwasher.....

My life is so amazing now, there no way i could tell everyone without people say..... Man she is full of sh*t... No man does all that.

My band had to be removed in 2017, after i was divorced. Over the last 2.5 years i put back 30 and got up to 173.5. I talked to him about a revision.... He said, i think you are absolutely beautiful, but i will support what ever choice you make.... he is my biggest cheerleader (although no one else knows). But if someone comes up to him and says....Chris has lost a lot of weight..... He tells them i know, she looks great. She just changed the way she eats.... BAM!!! husband of the year award.

Read and really try and answer the question @Krimsonbutterflies asked.... they are great.

don't be like me and wake up 25 years later and think.... WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING....

Two words...... BE HAPPY!!!!

[JRT Mom 919]

You wanna lose 150-200 pounds instantly?? Kick him to the curb!!😉

I know that is a terse, non comforting comment, but your post makes it clear that this man doesn't have your best interests at heart and is in this relationship for his own benefit. I am glad you followed your own desires to improve your health by WLS. If you want long term happiness you may have to question y'all's relationship. Ask yourself "will I be better in five years with him or without him?" and then follow your heart.

Good luck, we are here for you!

[catwoman7 10,843]

what is HE going to gain from you losing weight?? This isn't about him, for God's sake!!

I agree with the above commenter. You can lose 150-200 lbs right away by kicking that jerk to the curb!

[GreenTealael 24,847]

9 hours ago, AliciaBoyles said:

*Caution, Kind of a long read*

Hi everyone,

I had a my surgery in December 2019 and even before surgery my boyfriend of almost 5 years was very against me having surgery. His question is always "what am I going to gain from you having this surgery?" and he doesn't seem to care at all that losing weight is what is best for me. At my highest weight I was about 10 pounds shy of reaching 300 pounds and he always was very against me getting over 300 pounds and he constantly told me that if I worked out and ate right I could easily lose the weight I wanted to lose on my own (though it is very hard to lose almost 100 pounds on your own with support, i couldn't imagine doing it with the little to no support he was offering). He has horrible eating habits himself, soda, fast food 3-5 times weekly, and no exercise but lucky for him he has always been skinny and has a fairly good metabolism and never has to worry about his weight. I went back and forth for years over having surgery and my mom had gastric bypass in 2016 and lost about 200 pounds and is doing amazing and he swears up and down that I did this surgery just because she kept telling me to (which is entirely untrue) and that if I didn't listen to everything my mom said then I would have been able to lose the weight on my own and now he just thinks I took the easy way out. Which, a bit of back story, I was very very sick after my surgery and in a lot of pain and I could not get fluids or food down well for the first 2 months post op and I was so weak I could hardly get out of bed and if I did I would feel faint and practically pass out in the shower, on the toilet, etc. He saw me go through all of this until they found out I had a stricture and they had to go in and dilate it and now I feel amazing, but still after watching me go through all of this he still thinks that I was weak and took the easy way out. Now he thinks that at 3 months post op and 65 pounds down from my highest weight and still another 60 pounds away from my goal that I am getting far too skinny and that I need to stop right now at the weight that I am at or else he will no longer find me attractive. I don't think he seems to understand that I can not simply just stop losing weight and that I had this surgery in the first place to lose a significant amount of weight because I was morbidly obese. I have been overweight almost my whole life and all I have ever wanted was just to be a normal goal, have boys like me, make friends, have confidence, and be able to shop in a normal store and not have to desperately search for cute clothes which rarely existed in the plus sized section. Now I have a boy that I love and would hate to lose but he is making it seem like I made this super selfish decision to change MY BODY without his consent and that now I should feel guilty for potentially flushing out 4 year long relationship down the drain and wasting his time. I just don't know what to do now, he said not to call him until I can explain to him how me losing weight and getting "skinny" is going to benefit him in any way. I'm just saying, I did this surgery for me, I deserve to be happy and feel good about myself too. I don't give a single damn about being skinny, I just want to be happy and healthy and at almost 300 pounds I was so far from that that it's not even funny. I just need his support and I don't think i'll ever get it.

Sorry love but you're in an abusive relationship. Get Out.

Edited March 30, 2020 by GreenTealael

[catwoman7 10,843]

7 minutes ago, GreenTealael said:

Sorry love but you're in an abusive relationship. Get Out.

I agree 100%. This is an abusive relationship. Get out of it.

[AJ Tylo 1,398]

As the only Male I agree - Shape up Mr or i see you on your way to the curb! But i do hope you can fix his attitude and Gosh Darn Ladies there are some tough Females on this site!

This is why I am single I suck as a husband and suck as a monogamous relationship partner, Funny thing is know it! so i just don't want to hurt anyone so i stay clear of it!

Maybe a brutally honest in your face conversation, while he chokes down a Big Mac to start!

DO NOT WASTE TO MUCH TIME, YOU GOT THIS AND YOU ARE DOING THIS FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD!

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

Life is too damn short to be trying to fix people..... That's what i am... I'm a fixer. I'm the one people/family comes to when they are having problems....

I hate saying NO.... i can't.... just kills me. Guess this is why i stayed married for 26 years....

@AJ Tylo I can send my husband over and give you some great tips on how to be a better partner.... the monogamy thing is on you... hehe

[AJ Tylo 1,398]

I HIGHLY SUGGEST YOU NEVER LET A HUSBAND OR EVEN A BOYFRIEND HANG WITH ME! TRUST ME UNLESS YOU ARE FULLY UNDERSTANDING OF THE MALE SPECIES! nope dumb idea - one of my Cuban Friends - last december!

nope dumb idea! nope nope nope

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

2 hours ago, AJ Tylo said:

I HIGHLY SUGGEST YOU NEVER LET A HUSBAND OR EVEN A BOYFRIEND HANG WITH ME! TRUST ME UNLESS YOU ARE FULLY UNDERSTANDING OF THE MALE SPECIES! nope dumb idea - one of my Cuban Friends - last december!

nope dumb idea! nope nope nope

hehe.... she is cute.

he had his bachelor party in vegas.... and no one talks about it.... all i know, it was a reallyyyyyy great time.

[Krimsonbutterflies 661]

@BayougirlMrsS thank you for the compliment and for sharing your story. I read about it on another thread, hopefully your story will help anyone who reads this and needs it.

@AJ Tylo you generally crack me up, because you are unapologetic about who you are. We can take it or leave it, I may not agree with you on various topics, but I appreciate your honesty about you being you. Can't say that you didn't warn us, lol.