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Am I losing my mind...



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So I was warned prior to RNY surgery to be aware of the emotional changes that come along with all the changes your body is going through.

So, for the most part things have been good. No real emotional issues, supportive family. Surgery was 9-18-19. I am -62lbs.

I am very proud of it. My family seems to be proud too, but my husband is like a double edged sword.

He says I look good, but then complains if I ask to get a pair of jeans that fit better, or the fact that I need new underwear, or just looking at cloths in general. All of the sudden he hates every thing I say I like or really want. He says my tastes have changed... duh, Im dressing for different body size and type. I am not even in the plus sizes anymore. I am still dressing modest, not showing off skin... but seriously. I wanted a pair of boots, (western boots) he said why, you havent worn them before.... that is BS prior to gaining all of my weight I was jeans, t shirt, boots or tennis shoes all the time.

Why all of the sudden is what style of cloths I like or want such a big issue?

And its not just cloths... Family asking what I want for Christmas... I give suggestions then he huffs and puffs and is like ewe, why would you even like that? From patterns of dishes, to patterns on cloths, purses, shoes, wall hangings... WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG? Why is nothing I like acceptable anymore?

Sent from my SM-G955U using BariatricPal mobile app

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It's not you it's him.

Maybe some couples/relationship counselling may with help his insecurities, jealousy etc. If he chooses not to go to counselling it would no doubt be beneficial to you. It could help you to deal with him assertively.

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People change behaviors/taste/sometimes showing other personality traits with major weight changes and basically with any other major change in life (e. g. entering/leaving the working crowd).

You changing is something your partner has to cope with. Chances are high that you're indeed behaving differently and changes can be hard to come to terms with for family and friends.

There is always more than one person involved. The one who changes and the one who has to cope with this change. Without making compromises things won't work out.

Don't want to make compromises and expect 100% compliance with your decisions and changes from your spouses and friends without even thinking about their needs? Well, good luck...

Edited by summerset

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WLS relationship issues: Very common, Just remember you did this to be healthy and it was the best decision, I definitely see a different attitude in my partners and my family. Plus throw on this freakin holiday stress and its game on.

I just shrug it off as petty things and let it go, there is nobody stopping me now no matter wtf there view is on what pair of jeans i buy or eat.

the say that over time it all works out, My brother is ahead of me by about 6 months with WLS and the stumbled thru some issues but all seemed to work out

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11 hours ago, mom2amrt said:

but my husband is like a double edged sword.

He says I look good, but then complains if I ask to get a pair of jeans that fit better, or the fact that I need new underwear, or just looking at cloths in general. All of the sudden he hates every thing I say I like or really want. He says my tastes have changed... duh, Im dressing for different body size and type. I am not even in the plus sizes anymore. I am still dressing modest

11 hours ago, mom2amrt said:

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG? Why is nothing I like acceptable anymore?

Treading lightly here because I don't know where you stand culturally\religiously

BUT

If I'm being honest the things I highlighted leap out to me as very controlling. Now that control is being lost you may begin to see a whole host of issues arise- none of which are your fault or can be fixed by you.

My advice is to carefully and calmly watch while continuing on your path of health and happiness. The rest will end up as it should.

Good Luck 💚

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3 hours ago, over65 said:

Somehow, it is hard for spouse to accept the new, thinner person.

Or maybe the thinner spouse is not being able to accept that the fat spouse didn't (want to) change along with him/her.

Is the person who had WLS willing to accept that the spouse doesn't want to go to more parties, doesn't want to go to the gym/a bike ride/a jog with them, doesn't want to eat the same food, doesn't want to "dress up for events", doesn't want to accommodate to all of the moods of a person losing weight all of a sudden?

Yes, I'm sure there are controlling assholes and b*****s around but I somehow doubt that every marriage that broke because of WLS was that fucked up from the beginning. Maybe a lot of the time these two people simply aren't a good match anymore because they stopped sharing the same interests.

Edited by summerset

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Or maybe the thinner spouse is not being able to accept that the fat spouse didn't (want to) change along with him/her.
Is the person who had WLS willing to accept that the spouse doesn't want to go to more parties, doesn't want to go to the gym/a bike ride/a jog with them, doesn't want to eat the same food, doesn't want to "dress up for events", doesn't want to accommodate to all of the moods of a person losing weight all of a sudden?
Yes, I'm sure there are controlling assholes and b*****s around but I somehow doubt that every marriage that broke because of WLS was that fucked up from the beginning. Maybe a lot of the time these two people simply aren't a good match anymore because they stopped sharing the same interests.
Yes. Many factors come to play in marriages. I suspect dysfunctional relationships already exist before one gets WLS. Spouse may be supportive at first but the big changes after WLS wreak havoc if the partner has own issues, resents the expenses of new wardrobe, can't just go party or out to eat together as before.

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As a person changes and the perception of self changes relationships too adjust. Can’t even imagine that the adjustment comes with exciting change and the part that is painful and uncomfortable. I would not know what to do if he had changed as much as I have - even the good change. My hubs and I took on challenges and activities together - I think having goals together helped. Bottom line is if you don’t find a way to come together you must. Love Green Tea remark to come from aplace of observation awareness and curiosity.

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His insecurity is showing. You need to approach him in a nonconfrontational way - go out for a leisurely coffee. After some casual conversation is started, just say 'hey I notice some reactions to my recent choices, and it seems to bother you - what are you worried about?' Then let him talk without making more comments.

Then give it a little time.

Do you have to shop with him? Does he control all money expenditures? Did you always ask for his input on your choices? Do you need this much approval from him?

These are all things that must be worked out along the way.

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1 hour ago, Sosewsue61 said:

Do you have to shop with him? Does he control all money expenditures? Did you always ask for his input on your choices? Do you need this much approval from him?

These are all things that must be worked out along the way.

Absolutely. Change can be hard to cope with if one doesn't like the change. Doesn't even need to be insecurity involved, but of course it can be. I would hate having a husband all of a sudden that wants to go out partying every Friday and Saturday evenings because I'm usually tired and only want to cuddle up at home.

And Billy Bob is obviously having some kind of tic right now that enforces hitting the "haha" button under several postings in a row, lol.

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Hay azzhole, maybe I just like the emoji.

Edited by Billy Bob

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9 hours ago, Sosewsue61 said:

His insecurity is showing. You need to approach him in a nonconfrontational way - go out for a leisurely coffee. After some casual conversation is started, just say 'hey I notice some reactions to my recent choices, and it seems to bother you - what are you worried about?' Then let him talk without making more comments.

Then give it a little time.

Do you have to shop with him? Does he control all money expenditures? Did you always ask for his input on your choices? Do you need this much approval from him?

These are all things that must be worked out along the way.

He controls all the money. So I have to ask before spending. We rarely go out as a couple, and the only time we are usually apart is when he goes to work or if I am runnjng a kid somewhere or taking care of his mother.

Ive asked him why he hates everytbing and he just says that it just isnt something he thinks i look good in.

When i ask what he would like me to wear, it always like a size or 2 larger than what Im currently wearing.

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Really sounds like he is insecure and isn’t comfortable with you looking good to me.

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Just my opinion, but you need your own money, even if it's just $× from the budget. In a marriage it is a collaboration. Do you get to see the budget? Our money is all in an excel spreadsheet, I can look at it without reproach - even though my husband does the finances - I have my own money.

In my first marriage, I would ask for grocery money or how much I could spend and I would squeeze that budget so that I had some money from the groceries left over that was mine. Can you get a side job if you are a SAHM? I don't know if you work or not.

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