Broke up with bf over this surgery.

[mousecat88 2,279]

My (ex) bf and I have dated for nearly 5 years; he lives with me. The last year of our relationship has been rocky anyway, but ever since I told him I had decided to have gastric he became even more standoffish and argumentative. Two weeks ago we had a huge blowout over something completely idiotic, he comes back to the house, and says he has been acting the way he has because he thinks that once I lose weight I am going to leave him and that's all he can think about.

Mind you... I have not even had the surgery yet. He said I am going to lose weight, gain self-esteem, realize I am too good for him, and leave him.

Well, guess what, pal... I don't need to lose ANY weight to realize I am too good for you. It's been a long time coming, but I think it's even sadder that he is using my choice to get healthier as a justification for being an a*s.

The only thing this does is put me in a rough position as far as someone staying with me while I recover. My mom and stepdad are going to take "shifts" as long as they can, but they both work. And the ex is currently dwelling awkwardly in my basement, but will probably not give me a hand at all. It does make me sad because I had hoped he would be there at the hospital with me... but then all of this BS happens. *insert gigantic eye roll emoji here*

I am okay, though. I need these next 12 months to focus on me and getting healthy and fit and not dealing with unnecessary dramatics and stress. I have always thrived when single and he actually had moved out of the house for a year and it was fantastic. I hate to say it, but I'm looking forward to this new chapter - of not just weight loss, but of being single and free!

Edited October 10, 2018 by mousecat88

[FluffyChix 17,409]

You can do this. My recovery wasn't that bad really. By the 2nd day at home I was doing for others and making dinner for the fam. The first day, I just napped, watched tv with my sissy and Mr. F, and just was lazy--almost the same as having an out-patient simple anesthesia procedure.

It honestly was no big deal and "round the clock care" is only necessary IMHO if you have some kind of complication like excessive pain, vomitting, nausea, wooziness, extreme mobility issues...etc.

Good luck and so sorry about this, but honestly it's better to know this now pre-surg so you don't have to compound recovery with this mess!!! (Get him out of your house asap...just sayin...)

[MargoCL 677]

I can completely echo @FluffyChix - Post op, the first day completely home (2 if you include discharge day) - All I did was sleep. When I was awake, I helped myself to Protein Shakes and Bone Broth. I really didn't need anyone with me. And when I got gassy, I went for laps around my street, close to the house in case I felt weak.

As for your breakup, sorry to hear that but as Fluffy noted, better to find out beforehand than afterwards. You need to focus on yours own well being.

[mousecat88 2,279]

Oh, good. I had no idea what to expect regarding needing people to get me things or help me with things after surgery. My mom intends to stay with me the first 3 days, but then she has to go back to work. I keep forgetting there won't be any wounds to clean (I had a breast reduction last year and even though I was in no pain, I needed help with bandaging, etc).

Yeah, he does need to leave... I just can't be that person and kick someone out without them having a place to stay. I wish I was, though. lol. I know it's not "my problem" anymore, but when you're with someone almost 5 years, you still do care. Siiiiigh.

[MargoCL 677]

12 minutes ago, mousecat88 said:

Oh, good. I had no idea what to expect regarding needing people to get me things or help me with things after surgery. My mom intends to stay with me the first 3 days, but then she has to go back to work. I keep forgetting there won't be any wounds to clean (I had a breast reduction last year and even though I was in no pain, I needed help with bandaging, etc).

Yeah, he does need to leave... I just can't be that person and kick someone out without them having a place to stay. I wish I was, though. lol. I know it's not "my problem" anymore, but when you're with someone almost 5 years, you still do care. Siiiiigh.

I can tell you from personal experience, the longer he stays - the more you will come to resent him and your relationship and more so the longer you allow him to stay, the harder it will be to get him to leave. You have to set a timeline and make sure he follows through.

[mousecat88 2,279]

7 minutes ago, MargoCL said:

I can tell you from personal experience, the longer he stays - the more you will come to resent him and your relationship and more so the longer you allow him to stay, the harder it will be to get him to leave. You have to set a timeline and make sure he follows through.

Oh, I know. LAST TIME I kicked him out, he had a deadline. He had a friend looking for a roommate at that time, though. I am the breadwinner in the household and he only has about 300$ in disposable income monthly, so now it's tricky. I am kind of hoping that same friend will open his door for him. I'm giving him until Jan 1st.

[CrankyMagpie 509]

Friend, this is the first and most important weight you need to lose. This guy isn't your responsibility, and you've already said you think he isn't going to be helpful to you after your surgery. Can you be sure he won't be a liability--sulking where you can see him or whatever, to try to make you feel bad? Can you trust him not to order pizza/cook bacon/whatever would be a food trigger to make you miserable while you recover?

You're exes. Not friends. Let him rely on the kindness of friends, instead of relying on you.

[mousecat88 2,279]

7 minutes ago, CrankyMagpie said:

Friend, this is the first and most important weight you need to lose. This guy isn't your responsibility, and you've already said you think he isn't going to be helpful to you after your surgery. Can you be sure he won't be a liability--sulking where you can see him or whatever, to try to make you feel bad? Can you trust him not to order pizza/cook bacon/whatever would be a food trigger to make you miserable while you recover?

You're exes. Not friends. Let him rely on the kindness of friends, instead of relying on you.

Very true. He eats far worse than I ever did. It would be beneficial to just purge the entire home of those other foods, by virtue of him not being there. lol.

[GreenTealael 24,849]

You can totally organize everything in your home ahead of time to get through it mostly alone, especially if you are resolved to do it that way.

Safe journey!

[nibble 201]

I had no help before or after surgery except transportation to and from hospital. Stock up on supplies and meds beforehand while you can still drive. Post-surgery the nix on driving is just because of your pain meds, which you may only need 2-3 days. I did not NEED or want any help. It sounds like the relationship may not have been built on a solid foundation in the first place, so Celebrate YOU and your FREEDOM. It's an exciting time in your life, Mousecat88 !!!

[mousecat88 2,279]

15 minutes ago, nibble said:

Post-surgery the nix on driving is just because of your pain meds, which you may only need 2-3 days.

Did your doc give you any driving restrictions outside of being on the pain meds? I have a one-week followup and will have to drive myself. It's about 45 min away.

[FluffyChix 17,409]

2 hours ago, mousecat88 said:

Oh, I know. LAST TIME I kicked him out, he had a deadline. He had a friend looking for a roommate at that time, though. I am the breadwinner in the household and he only has about 300$ in disposable income monthly, so now it's tricky. I am kind of hoping that same friend will open his door for him. I'm giving him until Jan 1st.

Whahhhh?????

Ok, no more time investment for me in this thread. You have a destructive pattern here in this relationship...not enough hours in my day for it...

[mousecat88 2,279]

2 minutes ago, FluffyChix said:

Whahhhh?????

Ok, no more time investment for me in this thread. You have a destructive pattern here in this relationship...not enough hours in my day for it...

Oh, there's nothing you could say I don't already know, anyways. I never wanted to START dating him 5 years ago... but low self-esteem/self-worth is a bee-otch.

[Spellbound 48]

*

Edited October 10, 2018 by Spellbound
Realized OP didn't want feedback... just to vent

[summerset 5,261]

16 hours ago, mousecat88 said:

Mind you... I have not even had the surgery yet. He said I am going to lose weight, gain self-esteem, realize I am too good for him, and leave him.

Interestingly enough this seems to be a common fear. It makes me sad and also a bit angry at the same time.