Who to tell, what to tell them

[Irene H. 2]

I’m 41, and afraid to tell my mom I’m having bariatric surgery. She won’t understand, and she’ll be unpleasant about it. She’s always been tiny, thinks being overweight is just a lack of willpower, that fat people are just weak. But I’m so tired of fighting by myself. She put me on my first diet when I was 10. For the better part of 30 years, it’s been one diet after another. I know it’s not just willpower, and I know that even for the willpower part of the equation, I’m not magically going to turn into someone I’ve never been. I had the idea that I just wouldn’t say anything, but having a better understanding of the changes ahead, that’s not going to be an option. So I know I have to tell her, and I’m dreading it.

[KimTriesRNY 1,853]

Why do you have to tell her though?

Only tell those that need to know...spouse, significant other...maybe a trusted best friend if they will be helping you after surgery.

Anyone that is not going to be supportive or will not be involved in your aftercare or is not living with you does not need to know.

The less that know the better in my opinion, just my experience.

[GreenTealael 24,850]

Tell only who you're comfortable sharing with, its your Journey. The changes (food) mostly resemble every other diet people are on so that's not a dead giveaway, how your body reacts to surgery (obvious visible changes), only time will tell, there may be nothing to notice except weightloss. You can say as much or as little as you want

[Irene H. 2]

Really? I just assumed me eating less or differently would never escape her. If I can keep from telling her, though, my one reservation will be gone.

[Dubbs 37]

Don’t tell. You may decide later if you choose. I didn’t tell any of my family. Why have the negative conversations if you don’t have to?

[BostonWLKC 806]

I didn’t tell any of mine either- just my husband (obv).

My family and everyone else think I’m seeing a nutritionist , changing my eating amounts -frequency and types of foods...and hitting the gym (crazy amount of cardio)— all of which true.

8 months out and all good :)

[Daisy's 21]

Dont stress yourself about this this is your journey and you are doing this for yourself and no one else.

[MargoCL 677]

I have kept mine very secret. My boyfriend, mother, best friend and boss (who are all my direct support people) are the only ones who know the truth. Anyone else I just told I had a minor (ok definitely not minor) laparoscopic surgery and spent the week recovering. (I returned to work after 1 week). It's no one's business but your own.

We chose not to tell my bf's parents because they are older and very judgmental. And more importantly, this was a personal decision that did not happen overnight and I didn't want lectures from anyone.

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

If you don't live under the same roof don't tell her, at least not until way down the road if ever.

If anyone makes comments about what you are consuming just say you are seeing a nutritionist and trying something new (once again, but really one and done!). People may suspect you had surgery but it is no one's business. Just own it for yourself. Good luck.

[Hop_Scotch 1,625]

If you start by eating a little less now and start exercising (walking is great), by the time you have your surgery people will have been use to your new habits and generally won't pay too much attention later on.

[RHCD 241]

So I’m 4 months out (knocking on 90 down) and haven’t told my mother. Yet. She’s a mix of passive aggressive cutting remarks and narcissism that honestly I just didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with her issues & anxiety around my decision/ surgery.

You do not have to tell anyone you don’t want too nor do you have to give anyone your reason either. I know way easier said than done. I’m fortunate that I have distance (200 mi) so I was able to not have to deal with her and just sidestepped/flat out didn’t talk and things.

I’ll see her this weekend so that’s going to be fun.

What I’ve told people is after 20+ years of trying and doing different things I recognized I needed more help. If this was just a will power thing I could do it. I’ve done plenty with just sheer will and determination so something else was needed. This was a decision I made for myself with medical guidance. Most of the time this shuts people up.

I do plan on if needed saying “ mom I love you and my weight and the decisions around it are not up for discussion.” Rinse repeat as many times as needed. After the second time I will add “ if you continue bringing this up I am leaving/hanging up” and then will. Setting and sticking to my boundaries with her is so hard but I did some work with a therapist on this 10 plus years that I used and still use.