Need Advice on Talking to My Wife about WLS

[Jobber 321]

My first surgeon appointment is in September. I'm getting very anxious.

My wife is a very supportive person, but is also the type that wouldn't even consider something like WLS for herself, let alone a regular Dr. appointment. (Check that, I think she goes every five years or so). Things like this, for her, are more of the "elective" nature despite my own PCP asking me to pursue this. I think I'm afraid that she's going to talk me out of it, but I won't have an inkling of this fact until we both go see the surgeon next month for my appointment. I asked if she would come too, but not for her, GOD NO, the day I tell her that she should consider WLS, I might as well get a shovel and dig my own grave....lol.

I have spent the last several days, hours on end, researching almost anything I can find on WLS and I'm pretty convinced that I want to do this if all the stars align, but I think the most difficult hurdle wont be insurance, nutritionist, psych eval, or the surgeon, it will be how my wife feels about this. The problem is that no matter how much time I've put into researching, she will not hear any of it if her mind is set otherwise. Don't get me wrong, our relationship is great, its just stuff like this we don't tend to agree on.

To give you an idea, she's quite stubborn in her ways, but at the same time, she suffers from the same thing I do when it comes to trying to lose weight; we get started on a diet and/or exercise plan, then next thing you know we're drying sheets on that elliptical a month later instead of using it.. I'm past the point of wishful thinking anymore and I'm ready for something radical to help kick my butt into a better way of living.

Anyone out there have a hard time convincing their SO that this is really worth doing, even after a licensed surgeon said so as well?

[Jingle123423 165]

Of course you would like her support and approval, but at the end of the day only you have to live in your body. You have to make decisions based on that.

[GreenTealael 24,847]

This is going to be a tough. Be prepared to fight harder than ever for yourself and your marriage, but its worth it.

Safe Journey!

Edited August 8, 2018 by GreenTealael

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

Be prepared for unusual resistance if she is not in favor of this, she may see it as a rejection of herself by you. Things will change, it WILL change the relationship. Be prepared to cook your own food, and get therapy because she will eat food you cannot have and may do this intentionally. You will have to develop some thick skin. Seek therapy starting now. You are the only one in control of yourself and your choices. Be strong and godspeed my friend.

[sleevedshereen 524]

My boyfriend and immediate family did not support my decision. I went to every appointment alone. The day of surgery, they showed up and supported me. Afterwards, they helped me a tad during recovery, but guess what? One year later...I'm down 75lbs and they are super happy for me. I am super proud of myself as well.

At the end of the day, if you are unhappy with YOU...YOU have every right to do something about it.

I think my boyfriend was scared I was going to change, or be too attractive and not want him anymore.

If the relationship is solid before the surgery, then you should be fine.

However, if you have underlying issues that have not been addressed with each other. This could unveil all that.

For me, i'm a year post op and having relationship issues now. I think he is starting to feel insecure and makes little comments hinting at it here and there.

I'm growing into a strong, confident person and he isn't used to it.

If you want the surgery, do it. She will be forced to deal with her feelings regarding it, but I promise, it will be worth it for YOU. I don't regret it for one single moment.

The way I feel right now, the progress I have made...I could not have done it on my own. The surgery changed my life.

I eat healthy and work out but the surgery was the tool I didn't have to help me.

[Jobber 321]

This is all very good advice and I'm trying so hard not to have this come off as a selfish move in her eyes, even though it's the total opposite. I'm doing it so I can be around longer for her and the kids.

Thanks for all the kind wishes, the next 32 days until my appointment are going to be killer...

[Sadiebug 206]

My husband was like this. He was overweight as well and would never have considered surgery as an option for himself. I was so nervous to bring it up to him because I was worried he would talk me out of it. When we did talk about it I explained that this was something I needed to do for me. I said that I understood that surgery is not the best option for everyone and I understood that it's not something that would be right for him - but for myself I felt it was the best choice. I also explained some of the key reasons why I had come to that decision. I really focused on why I felt it was the right thing for ME. I also made it pretty clear that I was not going to change my mind. He was not overly supportive to be honest but he did not discourage me at all because he understood how/why I had come to my decision. I didn't force him to come to all of my appointments and support groups and stuff but I did ask him to come to two key ones (my nutrition class just prior to surgery and then my actual surgery day). Post op we struggled a little bit for the first couple of months just because my eating and routine was so different from his but after that we have fallen into our new normal routine and everything is great again. Now that he sees what this has done for me he is my biggest cheerleader. He would still never choose to have surgery himself but he frequently comments about what a great thing it has been for me. It's hard for sure but I'm hopeful your wife will surprise you and will be on board Good luck!

[AshMarie794 164]

I also dealt with this with my fiancé and family.

Try taking her to a support group or even a seminar for WLS. That way professionals are laying out the facts. Maybe by doing that it will help open that line of communication and she will be more open to it knowing the facts and sometimes it is the best choice. Optional or not. Sometimes it takes a drastic change for us to change our life.

Good luck and keep us posted.....

[Jobber 321]

2 hours ago, Sadiebug said:

My husband was like this. He was overweight as well and would never have considered surgery as an option for himself. I was so nervous to bring it up to him because I was worried he would talk me out of it. When we did talk about it I explained that this was something I needed to do for me. I said that I understood that surgery is not the best option for everyone and I understood that it's not something that would be right for him - but for myself I felt it was the best choice. I also explained some of the key reasons why I had come to that decision. I really focused on why I felt it was the right thing for ME. I also made it pretty clear that I was not going to change my mind. He was not overly supportive to be honest but he did not discourage me at all because he understood how/why I had come to my decision. I didn't force him to come to all of my appointments and support groups and stuff but I did ask him to come to two key ones (my nutrition class just prior to surgery and then my actual surgery day). Post op we struggled a little bit for the first couple of months just because my eating and routine was so different from his but after that we have fallen into our new normal routine and everything is great again. Now that he sees what this has done for me he is my biggest cheerleader. He would still never choose to have surgery himself but he frequently comments about what a great thing it has been for me. It's hard for sure but I'm hopeful your wife will surprise you and will be on board Good luck!

Sadie, thank you so much for this story, it seems to fit what I'm going through now. I don't even feel comfortable talking about it again with her until we go to the first appointment, then I feel we can both be well informed enough to talk about it logically (and emotionally). I don't think this will cause a major issue to our marriage, nor will I let it. I hope things continue to stay great between you and your husband, this is very encouraging to me.

I know she will support whatever I decide, but I want her to be a cheerleader 100% because I don't plan on telling anyone else about this outside of her and my kids. It's nobody else's business and I like to stay private with work acquaintances and any other family because they all love to gossip way too much.

And maybe, if she sees this work for me she can decide for herself if its an option for her as well. And if not, I'm in full support of that too. I just want her to be around as long as possible for our kids and me too. Thanks again

[Jobber 321]

1 hour ago, AshMarie794 said:

I also dealt with this with my fiancé and family.

Try taking her to a support group or even a seminar for WLS. That way professionals are laying out the facts. Maybe by doing that it will help open that line of communication and she will be more open to it knowing the facts and sometimes it is the best choice. Optional or not. Sometimes it takes a drastic change for us to change our life.

Good luck and keep us posted.....

Yes, definitely will ask without "guilting" her into doing so. I don't think it will be a problem, at least I hope not. She's a very logical person, most of the time and she'll listen to others with expertise more than me and my online research. thanks AshMarie!

[TakingABreak 2,733]

19 hours ago, PENGU1N said:

My first surgeon appointment is in September. I'm getting very anxious.

My wife is a very supportive person, but is also the type that wouldn't even consider something like WLS for herself, let alone a regular Dr. appointment. (Check that, I think she goes every five years or so). Things like this, for her, are more of the "elective" nature despite my own PCP asking me to pursue this. I think I'm afraid that she's going to talk me out of it, but I won't have an inkling of this fact until we both go see the surgeon next month for my appointment. I asked if she would come too, but not for her, GOD NO, the day I tell her that she should consider WLS, I might as well get a shovel and dig my own grave....lol.

I have spent the last several days, hours on end, researching almost anything I can find on WLS and I'm pretty convinced that I want to do this if all the stars align, but I think the most difficult hurdle wont be insurance, nutritionist, psych eval, or the surgeon, it will be how my wife feels about this. The problem is that no matter how much time I've put into researching, she will not hear any of it if her mind is set otherwise. Don't get me wrong, our relationship is great, its just stuff like this we don't tend to agree on.

To give you an idea, she's quite stubborn in her ways, but at the same time, she suffers from the same thing I do when it comes to trying to lose weight; we get started on a diet and/or exercise plan, then next thing you know we're drying sheets on that elliptical a month later instead of using it.. I'm past the point of wishful thinking anymore and I'm ready for something radical to help kick my butt into a better way of living.

Anyone out there have a hard time convincing their SO that this is really worth doing, even after a licensed surgeon said so as well?

I'm blessed that I didn't have hurdles to overcome with my husband. However, I would have done this with or without him. And quite frankly, I could have done it without him. I think its important to know that, it doesn't matter if people have their reservations about the process. Results, results, results. The moment that you've lost 100+lbs in a matter of a year, NO ONE will be able to say anything. I honestly think your wife will come around in the end. But it may be hard to go through the emotional struggles by yourself. I recommend to everyone, establish with a therapist prior to surgery. Have someone you can go to when things get hard. Because, they will. If you don't have support at home, you will really need someone in your corner. Good luck!

[Jobber 321]

Thanks Ashash, your encouragement and words are very appreciated by me.

[Jobber 321]

So.......I tried testing the waters this weekend and I brought the subject of WLS up with my wife. I might as well have asked for the Red Ryder BB Gun from a Christmas Story because she basically gave me the "you'll shoot your eye out" response I was dreading.....ugh

I started by telling her that I had done some research on the options, the surgeon, the recovery and looked at a WLS forum to get patient experience information as well. I approached it very "matter of fact" explaining what our insurance required, how long the different surgeries took, the recoveries, the pros/cons, etc.

When I got to the part about insurance requiring psych eval, gastrointestinal exams, and visits to a nutritionist with a 6 month diet, I was basically told, "well, if you have to do a 6 month diet first, you might as well not get the surgery because you will already have changed your ways and can lose the weight naturally."

After that, there was no more convincing or facts or anything I could say except, "lets talk to the surgeon next month and see what he has to say". I didn't say much about it after that because I was stunned and upset, but I didn't want to show it in an emotional way so I just said nothing and changed the subject.

I'm not sure what to do at this point except wait for my initial consultation and go from there. Maybe 6 months from now I will have been able to show her why I need this and why WLS is not "elective" for someone like me with my eating behaviors.

[TakingABreak 2,733]

19 minutes ago, PENGU1N said:

So.......I tried testing the waters this weekend and I brought the subject of WLS up with my wife. I might as well have asked for the Red Ryder BB Gun from a Christmas Story because she basically gave me the "you'll shoot your eye out" response I was dreading.....ugh

I started by telling her that I had done some research on the options, the surgeon, the recovery and looked at a WLS forum to get patient experience information as well. I approached it very "matter of fact" explaining what our insurance required, how long the different surgeries took, the recoveries, the pros/cons, etc.

When I got to the part about insurance requiring psych eval, gastrointestinal exams, and visits to a nutritionist with a 6 month diet, I was basically told, "well, if you have to do a 6 month diet first, you might as well not get the surgery because you will already have changed your ways and can lose the weight naturally."

After that, there was no more convincing or facts or anything I could say except, "lets talk to the surgeon next month and see what he has to say". I didn't say much about it after that because I was stunned and upset, but I didn't want to show it in an emotional way so I just said nothing and changed the subject.

I'm not sure what to do at this point except wait for my initial consultation and go from there. Maybe 6 months from now I will have been able to show her why I need this and why WLS is not "elective" for someone like me with my eating behaviors.

What you need to explain to your wife is that just because you change your ways in those 6 months, doesn't mean that you are going to be successful long term. This surgery is only a tool, but it really does give you the best chance to keep the weight off. Also, how long does it take the average person to lose the kind of weight we need to? I know, personally, I got to the point where it would take me YEARS to take off the weight, all the while, not allowing for any screw ups, hang ups or stalls. One of the major benefits to this surgery is that we do lose so quickly. We get our lives back quicker! We start our new lives sooner! My only regret is that I didn't do this years ago.

Unfortunately, I see a lot of families, and specifically spouses who have hang ups. I find that most of them have jealousy issues. I hope this isn't the case, but if it is, you'll know soon enough. Regardless, we do this for loved ones, but also ourselves. We do this to prolong our lives and live life to the fullest.

Best of luck my dear, I hope this doesn't dissuade you from having surgery.

[Jobber 321]

thanks @AshAsh1 I really appreciate the feedback. I really don't think it has anything to do with jealousy or potential jealousy, she's never been the type, which is one of her best qualities. I think she just needs someone in an authoritative position to let her know more about it. That's my hope as to what happens next.

thanks again