“I’m so proud of you!!”

[insta_adventurer 1,046]

Does this sound condescending to anyone else? Maybe it just irks me so much because of my own situation. I’ve got a few people tripping over themselves to let me know how proud they are of me for having the surgery... mostly family members.

I am pretty open about having had surgery- so I know that opens me up to this sort of stuff... and comments like “before long that dress will be like a tent on you!” 😒😒

But what really grinds my gears about this “proud” comment? I completed my Masters degree this year also and these same people barely said a peep about it. I’m sorry, but in my mind getting an advanced degree is an accomplishment... having weight loss surgery to improve my health is just a smart medical choice. Obviously it’s something I’m working hard at... so yeah, it is an accomplishment, but I just feel that the “I’m so proud of you” comments are really, “I’m so proud that you’re going to be thin and attractive.” It just really kind of highlights how much importance some place on physical appearance and a number on a scale above all else.

I am not trying to diminish our struggles or experience with weight-loss surgery. I know we all fought for this and worked for this, but I’m pretty sure most of the ones telling me “I’m so proud of you” are probably the same ones who will think I took the easy way out and didn’t work hard enough to lose the weight. I was working plenty hard at this BEFORE surgery. I got to the point where at 340lbs I could actually do a push up, plank for 2 minutes, and make it through a 45 minute spin class and not die.

I have a family reunion in a few weeks and am already prepared to clap back when someone tries to give me their opinion about my body and my decision. So yeah- this is my contribution to the rants section. 😂😂

[AEdoesRnY 531]

I 100% feel you on this one. I get very prickly very fast when family members start going in on how "proud" they are of me, or too much of the "good for you", or my dad's "you're a hero". Especially when my parents do it, whose attempts to shame my fatness and "fix" it started when I was like 3 years old. My mom has gotten better, and she's been really great at acknowledging that this was a hard choice, that I've always been fit even at my highest weights, and if she becomes complimentary it's usually about how thoughtful and thorough I was in making this hard decision. I've been surprised but grateful at her response. One of my sisters responsed "OMG you so DESERVE it!" when I told her, which just made me PISSED. Such an obvious thin person being unable to even imagine a fat person who doesn't yearn to be thin like them. Who can't imagine a fat person who, when given the opportunity, wouldn't just leap excitedly for a chance to not be fat.

Obviously, this was the choice I made. I wish it wasn't a choice I had to make, but there are so many things in this world that made my size inconvenient and made my size an obstacle for me. There's a big part of me that's sad about the prospect of losing my "fat" identity, and I have a lot of frustration toward a society and individuals who are so apt to praise and get behind a weightloss story while ignoring things that matter as much/more.

[AEdoesRnY 531]

Sorry, I realize that I took a bit of a turn and my response was more about my own s***!

I so agree though about others tendency to think it's appropriate to comment on and make judgments on other's bodies - it's kind of like when someone is pregnant and everybody just starts touching your tummy and starts feeling like it's their place to give you all sorts of baby advice and the usual boundaries just go out the window (I don't have personal experience with that but I have several friends who have shared stories about it).

It's almost like choosing this path requires us to sign off on our bodies and medical choices being up for discussion for others which is THOROUGHLY unfair and uncomfortable.

CONGRATULATIONS on earning your masters! I finally finished mine last year too - it's SO much work and energy and time so GOOD FOR YOU!

[Frustr8 7,886]

INSTA AVENTURER you got your educational Masters now you are going to receive your Bariatric Masters. Although you didn't have to compose and defend your thesis for this one, I bet you could have! Two Masters in less than a year, Cool to the Max and it couldn't have happened to a better more WONDERFUL person.
I Dilute you for What You Gave Gone through and hereby convey this trophy 🏆to YOU!

[Frustr8 7,886]

Salute nothing Dilute about your Acheivements!

[GreenTealael 24,847]

1 hour ago, insta_adventurer said:

Does this sound condescending to anyone else? Maybe it just irks me so much because of my own situation. I’ve got a few people tripping over themselves to let me know how proud they are of me for having the surgery... mostly family members.

I am pretty open about having had surgery- so I know that opens me up to this sort of stuff... and comments like “before long that dress will be like a tent on you!” 😒😒

But what really grinds my gears about this “proud” comment? I completed my Masters degree this year also and these same people barely said a peep about it. I’m sorry, but in my mind getting an advanced degree is an accomplishment... having weight loss surgery to improve my health is just a smart medical choice. Obviously it’s something I’m working hard at... so yeah, it is an accomplishment, but I just feel that the “I’m so proud of you” comments are really, “I’m so proud that you’re going to be thin and attractive.” It just really kind of highlights how much importance some place on physical appearance and a number on a scale above all else.

I am not trying to diminish our struggles or experience with weight-loss surgery. I know we all fought for this and worked for this, but I’m pretty sure most of the ones telling me “I’m so proud of you” are probably the same ones who will think I took the easy way out and didn’t work hard enough to lose the weight. I was working plenty hard at this BEFORE surgery. I got to the point where at 340lbs I could actually do a push up, plank for 2 minutes, and make it through a 45 minute spin class and not die.

I have a family reunion in a few weeks and am already prepared to clap back when someone tries to give me their opinion about my body and my decision. So yeah- this is my contribution to the rants section. 😂😂

O.M.G

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND

when I got my Masters a few years ago I thought it was a big deal, and it was to me. It was to my Mother and kinda to family and less close friends, but I don't think they really understood. None of them have advanced degrees or travailed that path.

But I haven't really told anyone about WLS, just a proxy.

BUT WTF

ALL people can talk about is the physical weight change. The only thing I can think of is because its visible and relatable.

So that may be proud of you in a way they finally can understand and relate to you.

But gather anyone who is out of line immediately, I'm always here for the clap back !!!

Edited August 5, 2018 by GreenTealael

[Orchids&Dragons 9,046]

1 hour ago, insta_adventurer said:

Does this sound condescending to anyone else? Maybe it just irks me so much because of my own situation. I’ve got a few people tripping over themselves to let me know how proud they are of me for having the surgery... mostly family members.

I've gotten this but I appreciate it. My interpretation is that they've been worried about my health and they're happy that I made such a big decision to better my life. I actually think it's very much the same as congratulating someone on getting their Masters. I got mine in 2011 at the ripe old age of 52! You'll probably get a lot more years use out of yours! Congrats!

[insta_adventurer 1,046]

On 08/05/2018 at 11:51, AELdoesRNY said:

I 100% feel you on this one. I get very prickly very fast when family members start going in on how "proud" they are of me, or too much of the "good for you", or my dad's "you're a hero". Especially when my parents do it, whose attempts to shame my fatness and "fix" it started when I was like 3 years old. My mom has gotten better, and she's been really great at acknowledging that this was a hard choice, that I've always been fit even at my highest weights, and if she becomes complimentary it's usually about how thoughtful and thorough I was in making this hard decision. I've been surprised but grateful at her response. One of my sisters responsed "OMG you so DESERVE it!" when I told her, which just made me PISSED. Such an obvious thin person being unable to even imagine a fat person who doesn't yearn to be thin like them. Who can't imagine a fat person who, when given the opportunity, wouldn't just leap excitedly for a chance to not be fat.

Obviously, this was the choice I made. I wish it wasn't a choice I had to make, but there are so many things in this world that made my size inconvenient and made my size an obstacle for me. There's a big part of me that's sad about the prospect of losing my "fat" identity, and I have a lot of frustration toward a society and individuals who are so apt to praise and get behind a weightloss story while ignoring things that matter as much/more.

Agreed about “losing my fat identity”. My decision to do this was about my personal health and was not because I had a problem with my fatness or resented it. And it almost seems like people assume that’s the motivation for such a choice. Listen- if I had perfect health I would not have done this. Such endorsements make it almost seem like society feels like our bodies aren’t worthy of praise or love until they are a certain size- which is not true at all. The choice to do what we have done is deeply personal.

[AEdoesRnY 531]

1 minute ago, insta_adventurer said:

1 hour ago, AELdoesRNY said:

I 100% feel you on this one. I get very prickly very fast when family members start going in on how "proud" they are of me, or too much of the "good for you", or my dad's "you're a hero". Especially when my parents do it, whose attempts to shame my fatness and "fix" it started when I was like 3 years old. My mom has gotten better, and she's been really great at acknowledging that this was a hard choice, that I've always been fit even at my highest weights, and if she becomes complimentary it's usually about how thoughtful and thorough I was in making this hard decision. I've been surprised but grateful at her response. One of my sisters responsed "OMG you so DESERVE it!" when I told her, which just made me PISSED. Such an obvious thin person being unable to even imagine a fat person who doesn't yearn to be thin like them. Who can't imagine a fat person who, when given the opportunity, wouldn't just leap excitedly for a chance to not be fat.

Obviously, this was the choice I made. I wish it wasn't a choice I had to make, but there are so many things in this world that made my size inconvenient and made my size an obstacle for me. There's a big part of me that's sad about the prospect of losing my "fat" identity, and I have a lot of frustration toward a society and individuals who are so apt to praise and get behind a weightloss story while ignoring things that matter as much/more.

Agreed about “losing my fat identity”. My decision to do this was about my personal health and was not because I had a problem with my fatness or resented it. And it almost seems like people assume that’s the motivation for such a choice. Listen- if I had perfect health I would not have done this. Such endorsements make it almost seem like society feels like our bodies aren’t worthy of praise or love until they are a certain size- which is not true at all. The choice to do what we have done is deeply personal.

You put it so well - when we get these kinds of responses it feels like we're being congratulated for finally conforming to what society wants from/expects from us. Have you read any Roxane Gay? She wrote a memoir about her body and her weight last year (called "Hunger", AMAZING) and wrote my FAVORITE article on WLS this past winter ("The Body that Understands what Fullness is"). She captures so much of what I've felt/thought about/worried about/etc. throughout my process so far. I can be a Roxane Gay proselytizer, I know, but she's AMAZING and I highly recommend her work if you haven't read it before!

[insta_adventurer 1,046]

On 08/05/2018 at 12:49, GreenTealael said:

O.M.G

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND

when I got my Masters a few years ago I thought it was a big deal, and it was to me. It was to my Mother and kinda to family and less close friends, but I don't think they really understood. None of them have advanced degrees or travailed that path.

But I haven't really told anyone about WLS, just a proxy.

BUT WTF

ALL people can talk about is the physical weight change. The only thing I can think of is because its visible and relatable.

So that may be proud of you in a way they finally can understand and relate to you.

But gather anyone who is out of line immediately, I'm always here for the clap back !!!

Totally agree about perhaps they do not understand the work and effort that went into obtaining the Masters because they have not done it. But for me, a country bumpkin from a working class town, advancing in a space I never felt like I belonged in was a huge accomplishment.

And like I said, I know being so open about surgery does sort open the door for comments about my weight and, for the most part, before surgery people had the good sense to not comment on my weight... but just because I want to talk about my experience does not make it open season to let me know how they really feel about fat bodies.

[GreenTealael 24,847]

Yeah I didn't know how people would react to WLS and for my purposes. So I said screw it , nobody gets a golden ticket...

[insta_adventurer 1,046]

On 08/05/2018 at 12:51, Orchids&Dragons said:

I've gotten this but I appreciate it. My interpretation is that they've been worried about my health and they're happy that I made such a big decision to better my life. I actually think it's very much the same as congratulating someone on getting their Masters. I got mine in 2011 at the ripe old age of 52! You'll probably get a lot more years use out of yours! Congrats!

Maybe! But the accomplishment isn’t really the surgery, is it? I mean- we just laid on a table for a few hours. The accomplishment is everything we went through to get to that point... and everything we go through afterwords. Getting approved to have surgery is a lot more work and effort than the act of surgery itself.

And congratulations on your masters! I went back to college part time at 25 to finish my bachelors.. and finally ended up with a masters when I was 33. It truly was a lot more work (the masters) than I anticipated!

[insta_adventurer 1,046]

On 08/05/2018 at 13:36, AELdoesRNY said:

Agreed about “losing my fat identity”. My decision to do this was about my personal health and was not because I had a problem with my fatness or resented it. And it almost seems like people assume that’s the motivation for such a choice. Listen- if I had perfect health I would not have done this. Such endorsements make it almost seem like society feels like our bodies aren’t worthy of praise or love until they are a certain size- which is not true at all. The choice to do what we have done is deeply personal.

You put it so well - when we get these kinds of responses it feels like we're being congratulated for finally conforming to what society wants from/expects from us. Have you read any Roxane Gay? She wrote a memoir about her body and her weight last year (called "Hunger", AMAZING) and wrote my FAVORITE article on WLS this past winter ("The Body that Understands what Fullness is"). She captures so much of what I've felt/thought about/worried about/etc. throughout my process so far. I can be a Roxane Gay proselytizer, I know, but she's AMAZING and I highly recommend her work if you haven't read it before!

[GreenTealael 24,847]

Yeah I didn't know how people would react to WLS and for my purposes. So I said screw it , nobody gets a golden ticket...

[Orchids&Dragons 9,046]

2 hours ago, insta_adventurer said:

Maybe! But the accomplishment isn’t really the surgery, is it? I mean- we just laid on a table for a few hours. The accomplishment is everything we went through to get to that point... and everything we go through afterwords. Getting approved to have surgery is a lot more work and effort than the act of surgery itself.

I think the accomplishment is making a plan, committing to it and then following through. No one knows at this point whether we'll succeed or not, but they're proud of us for making the effort. The whole process is scary, especially the surgery. They're proud that you followed through on something that they would be scared to death to attempt. They're applauding your bravery and determination, not that you've decided to become "normal", imo.