regain REGAIN! I feel out of control and I need help and advice, please no judgement.

[kat__p 17]

Hi all, my first post here and really first time I'm reaching out. I need help. I had RNY in 12/2009 at 382 lbs and did great, I got down to 150 lbs even after giving birth. First it was hard dealing with the medications after having post-partum depression but after a few setbacks we were able to find the right combination of meds but then on 6/2013 I was sexually assaulted and that started the snowball that ends with all the weight I've put on. After the assault I was put on more medications and was in a car accident where I suffered a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and now suffer from seizures. The years between then and 2016 were really bad. In the past eating was my way to cope with things but I couldn't do that so I started drinking instead. Needless to say that was atrocious and it all culminated in a very painful break up with the father of my daughter and me moving cross-country for 18 months. The drinking got better slowly but then to compensate the not-drinking I started eating for comfort instead.

That's where I'm at now, I'm weighing 200-some lbs (I'm terrified of weighing myself) and go back and forth between weeks where I almost starve myself trying to get some control or cut out carbs or something like that but then I want to drink every day because I can't cope. When I stop drinking then all I want to do is eat. I've moved back to my town and for the most part things in my life are better (less medications, I'm getting married in 3 weeks, good job) but no matter what I'm constantly depressed and hate myself. I feel like the biggest, most disgusting failure for all the weight I've gained. My family isn't the best to turn to for support (my mom recently said to her I look fatter than when I had surgery, even though I'm nowhere near 382 lbs) so I know that I probably need therapy and to go back to my surgeon but I don't even know where to start.

I am so ashamed that I'm fat and I think that's why I feel so out of control. This post is the first time I've even written down a lot of what's happened or admitted that I feel out of control or need help.

I don't know that I'm asking for advice or just support or just anything but I needed to get this out there. I want to start looking forward to living my life again.

[brighterdaysahead 0]

I don't have any advice to offer, however I can say you are not alone. As time goes by we may gain some or all of the weight we have lost. I hope things get better for you and try not to let your family make you feel any lower then you feel now. Peace ✌🏽

[kat__p 17]

10 minutes ago, brighterdaysahead said:

I don't have any advice to offer, however I can say you are not alone. As time goes by we may gain some or all of the weight we have lost. I hope things get better for you and try not to let your family make you feel any lower then you feel now. Peace ✌🏽

Thank you so much.

[Orchids&Dragons 9,046]

You need to start out by giving yourself credit. Despite all the crap you've dealt with, you haven't put all the weight back on. That's amazing to me. Your life is in a better place right now (best wishes on the wedding and congrats on the good job!) It's the perfect time to start putting back together the parts of your life that are still not where you want them to be. If I were you, I'd start with your surgeon's office. They can probably recommend the best options for you in your area. I wish you the best!

[sideeye 1,440]

If you haven't had therapy for the sexual assault issues, give that a go. I benefited enormously from EMDR therapy after a sexual assault; I tell people that the event basically rewired my brain during a moment of extreme trauma and EMDR was required to un-weld all of those connections.

PTSD is no joke and it sounds like you've had a fair number of traumas recently. Shame is only going to reinforce all of that, so it's time to bring in the professionals. The weight gain is a symptom of other stuff, so deal with the mental stuff first.

Edited July 9, 2018 by sideeye

[Missouri-Lee's Summit 1,256]

You're brave. I could feel the pain in your words, but I could also feel a renewed sense of hope for better things to come. LIFE has kicked you around long enough. Now it's your turn to kick LIFE in the nuts!!

Continue to vent. It helps you to get rid of a lot of the toxic "shame" that has been holding you back.

[SGirl35 165]

Oh darling... I’m so sorry for all you’ve gone through.. sounds like things are great with the wedding and new job! Keep your head up- as you haven’t gained that much.. I wouldn’t personally do carb cutting or anything that you can’t stick to- but find a high Fiber balanced plan.. drink lots of water- and if you’re not- get therapy and spend time doing things that make you feel calm and happy. You’re worth it and life is about more than our weight.. YOU got this! You’re in control. When I’m feeling low- I turn to long walks, good music, good movies, fruit, etc... I’m sorry your mom was nasty toward you... I can relate. ( sisters) I wish you the best.

[kat__p 17]

On 7/8/2018 at 10:57 PM, sideeye said:

If you haven't had therapy for the sexual assault issues, give that a go. I benefited enormously from EMDR therapy after a sexual assault; I tell people that the event basically rewired my brain during a moment of extreme trauma and EMDR was required to un-weld all of those connections.

PTSD is no joke and it sounds like you've had a fair number of traumas recently. Shame is only going to reinforce all of that, so it's time to bring in the professionals. The weight gain is a symptom of other stuff, so deal with the mental stuff first.

Thank you so much. I've heard of EMDR but haven't found anyone that does it in my area.

[TakingABreak 2,733]

8 minutes ago, kat__p said:

Thank you so much. I've heard of EMDR but haven't found anyone that does it in my area.

I've also used EMDR for PTSD, same circumstances.... it helped wonders. highly recommended.

[kat__p 17]

On 7/8/2018 at 10:52 PM, Orchids&Dragons said:

You need to start out by giving yourself credit. Despite all the crap you've dealt with, you haven't put all the weight back on. That's amazing to me. Your life is in a better place right now (best wishes on the wedding and congrats on the good job!) It's the perfect time to start putting back together the parts of your life that are still not where you want them to be. If I were you, I'd start with your surgeon's office. They can probably recommend the best options for you in your area. I wish you the best!

Thank you for the kind and encouraging words. I'm going to reach out to my surgeon's office this week. Should I tell them what happened and specify I'm coming in for help not lectures or does that come off whiny?

[kat__p 17]

On 7/9/2018 at 1:22 PM, SGirl35 said:

Oh darling... I’m so sorry for all you’ve gone through.. sounds like things are great with the wedding and new job! Keep your head up- as you haven’t gained that much.. I wouldn’t personally do carb cutting or anything that you can’t stick to- but find a high Fiber balanced plan.. drink lots of water- and if you’re not- get therapy and spend time doing things that make you feel calm and happy. You’re worth it and life is about more than our weight.. YOU got this! You’re in control. When I’m feeling low- I turn to long walks, good music, good movies, fruit, etc... I’m sorry your mom was nasty toward you... I can relate. ( sisters) I wish you the best.

Thank you so much. I'm trying to slowly make changes this week, one big one (and one I struggle with ridiculously too much) is the drinking Water while eating. Ugh. Wish me luck.

[Orchids&Dragons 9,046]

Just now, kat__p said:

Thank you for the kind and encouraging words. I'm going to reach out to my surgeon's office this week. Should I tell them what happened and specify I'm coming in for help not lectures or does that come off whiny?

I think I'd say that I've struggled with emotional and physical issues due to a sexual assault and a brain injury and need their help getting back on track. That should give them enough information from the start to know that this isn't about munching out of boredom or whatever. You need real, professional advice and they should be a first-line resource for you. I wouldn't go into a lot of detail until I see them in person, but I'd want them to understand that you have some pretty significant challenges.

[Travelher 915]

start with the therapy, possibly medication. The real problem is the depression/mental, that is what is derailing you. that kind of trauma causes chemical changes in your brain. that really needs to be addressed first. if you can solve that I think you'll find everything else will fall back into place. Best of luck to you.

[kat__p 17]

6 minutes ago, Travelher said:

start with the therapy, possibly medication. The real problem is the depression/mental, that is what is derailing you. that kind of trauma causes chemical changes in your brain. that really needs to be addressed first. if you can solve that I think you'll find everything else will fall back into place. Best of luck to you.

I'm starting with seeing the therapist at work, he just confirmed our first appointment on 7/27. If that goes well then he can recommend someone outside or I can keep seeing him outside work hours at his private practice. I feel better that I'm getting help.

[Travelher 915]

10 minutes ago, kat__p said:

I'm starting with seeing the therapist at work, he just confirmed our first appointment on 7/27. If that goes well then he can recommend someone outside or I can keep seeing him outside work hours at his private practice. I feel better that I'm getting help.

I'm glad you are feeling better.