Partner issues after wls

[Sallymarina70 5]

I can feel myself changing emotionally each week, and drifting from my partner of three years. I’m 22 and was a normal weight when I met him, but piled on the pounds due to emotional issues. He has always been there for me, when I was in a mental hospital after a suicide attempt, my eating disorder and through my whole journey to become mentally healthy. Which was a criteria I set for myself before I even considered wls. And now my physical journey has started and I often find that I associate all the negative feelings from when I was unwell with him. He is the most caring person in the world and he has loved me the way I am at all stages of our relationship. I am very aware that its me thats changing and I want our relationship to work. My surgeon told me about hormonal changes and mood swings the first year, but I find it hard to not fight when Im feeling down. I take my feelings out on him - something that Ive never done before and it sucks. I feel like a bitter hag and I feel like Im actively looking for him to make a mistake to then yell/fight about. How are you making it work with your partner throughout this huge physical and mental change?

[FluffyChix 17,409]

I'm not here very much, but saw this and felt compelled to respond.

You are going through one of the most difficult times of your life. You're seriously being re-born into a new person and there is deep doo-doo sh*t afoot. These are cataclismic things we experience post surgery, not just physical and they involve the mind, spirit as well as the body.

Quite frankly, I would say, if anyone is having difficulties, then they need to get to a therapist pdq and talk it out and work through it ON THEIR OWN. Cuz mostly? This is an "I, me, my" problem, and not as much a partner problem. You ASKED to have the surgery (that's a royal "you" btw). Now it's your responsibility to deal and not blame an innocent person. (Of course, sometimes the partners are not so innocent.)

If I had advice to give to people it would be: Don't make ANY serious life changes regarding situation for at least 12-18 months following surgery. That means, if you're not dating now, don't start until you work through your crap and know better about what you want from life. That means, if you were in a stable relationship BEFORE surgery, and now it's janked, don't make any relationship decisions until you know how things shake out and how you feel after your hormones, moods, etc have calmed the fuc* down.

And lastly, if you have a fella that's good as gold and loyal and true, you should give the therapist and yourself a serious talking to, cuz these dudes do NOT grow on trees. Quite a crap ton of them are totes assh*ts. And you should work so hard remembering why you loved him in the first place and look ONLY on the positives until you have found your "sea legs."

Ok, so that's my advice. Get counseling, love yourself, work on yourself, and remember why you love your guy.

[Matt Z 4,138]

@Sallymarina70 the emotional flux is very real. Sounds like your partner is super understanding already, just let them know what you are going through, how it makes you feel, etc. Open honesty is the best option!

I get extra grumpy/loud/angry... When I do blow up, as soon as it's over I apologize and explain to my wife. Yes it sucks, but it's what's happening. Sounds like he's willing to deal with whatever he needs to help support you.

[Creekimp13 5,838]

A lot of people find that the changes they go through with bariatric surgery also inspire other overdue changes in their personal lives. Sometimes this means re-evaluating realationships.

Divorce is so common after bariatric surgery, it's been dubbed "divorce surgery". But as common as divorce is after weight loss surgery, new realationships are even more common:)

My psychologist said at our presurg interview that weight loss surgery will make a good marriage better, and a weak marriage worse. If there are problems....the changes you go through will put them under a microscope. Whether you can work through them, or need to re-evaluate/leave the relationship....if you came into this surgery with vulnerable spots in your relationship, they'll need to be addressed.

Happy to report hubby and I are doing really well so far, but I know a couple people who split up over incompatible health priorities, jealousy issues, unfaced issues that came to a head....after surgery.

Whatever happens, I wish you well and hope you have a lot of love and support....but also inner strength and the ability to stand on your own inside your new self.

Good luck!

[Mattymatt 491]

17 hours ago, FluffyChix said:

I'm not here very much, but saw this and felt compelled to respond.

You are going through one of the most difficult times of your life. You're seriously being re-born into a new person and there is deep doo-doo sh*t afoot. These are cataclismic things we experience post surgery, not just physical and they involve the mind, spirit as well as the body.

Quite frankly, I would say, if anyone is having difficulties, then they need to get to a therapist pdq and talk it out and work through it ON THEIR OWN. Cuz mostly? This is an "I, me, my" problem, and not as much a partner problem. You ASKED to have the surgery (that's a royal "you" btw). Now it's your responsibility to deal and not blame an innocent person. (Of course, sometimes the partners are not so innocent.)

If I had advice to give to people it would be: Don't make ANY serious life changes regarding situation for at least 12-18 months following surgery. That means, if you're not dating now, don't start until you work through your crap and know better about what you want from life. That means, if you were in a stable relationship BEFORE surgery, and now it's janked, don't make any relationship decisions until you know how things shake out and how you feel after your hormones, moods, etc have calmed the fuc* down.

And lastly, if you have a fella that's good as gold and loyal and true, you should give the therapist and yourself a serious talking to, cuz these dudes do NOT grow on trees. Quite a crap ton of them are totes assh*ts. And you should work so hard remembering why you loved him in the first place and look ONLY on the positives until you have found your "sea legs."

Ok, so that's my advice. Get counseling, love yourself, work on yourself, and remember why you love your guy.

This is why I am really not actively pursuing any kind of relationship. I wouldn't mind a friends with benefits arrangement, but man, the only commitment I need is that to myself right now; to see this journey to its natural completion at goal weight.

[FluffyChix 17,409]

[Mattymatt 491]

6 minutes ago, FluffyChix said:

Pretty much sums it up. Work on "you" first and then start seeking out a relationship. Relationships are stressful if you aren't completely in a good place.

[redhead_che 824]

I agree with what someone else said, there is always the possibility it’s not your “person” as I like to say. While the surgery itself didn’t break up my relationship, it did bring to light areas I was unhappy in previously and with newfound confidence...I realized I didn’t have to “make it work” because I didn’t want to.

Now, it doesn’t sound like that is your situation, but I just wanted to offer a crumb of the other possibility as well.

(And I also believe in therapy...everyone needs therapy) 😂

[Creekimp13 5,838]

Sometimes a poor relationship is one of the driving forces behind self destructive eating habits.

While it isn't fair to blame others for the choices you make, it's also unfair to assume the stresses your relationship might goes through after weight loss surgery are "your fault" or something "you chose".

It isn't all on you. Relationships are always two way streets. Staying in them is a daily choice and both partners have to work hard to make them function well. That especially includes times of transition and support.

Sometimes an overindulged comfort habit (and returning to it when we know it's time to outgrow it) is a symptom of a bigger problem. And sometimes moving forward demands that the bigger problem be addressed. Otherwise, you can end up back in the same self destructive cycle.

There is nothing that will sabotage positive changes in your life more than a toxic relationship.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who supports your goals and your health.

A Swedish study last year compared 29,234 obese individuals who had weight loss surgery and 283,748 individuals in the general population. The unmarried people who had weight-loss surgery were 35 percent more likely to get married, and surgery patients who were married were 41 percent more likely to get divorced, compared to people in the general population.

Edited June 13, 2018 by Creekimp13

[FluffyChix 17,409]

22 hours ago, Sallymarina70 said:

I can feel myself changing emotionally each week, and drifting from my partner of three years. I’m 22 and was a normal weight when I met him, but piled on the pounds due to emotional issues. He has always been there for me, when I was in a mental hospital after a suicide attempt, my eating disorder and through my whole journey to become mentally healthy. Which was a criteria I set for myself before I even considered wls. And now my physical journey has started and I often find that I associate all the negative feelings from when I was unwell with him. He is the most caring person in the world and he has loved me the way I am at all stages of our relationship. I am very aware that its me thats changing and I want our relationship to work. My surgeon told me about hormonal changes and mood swings the first year, but I find it hard to not fight when Im feeling down. I take my feelings out on him - something that Ive never done before and it sucks. I feel like a bitter hag and I feel like Im actively looking for him to make a mistake to then yell/fight about. How are you making it work with your partner throughout this huge physical and mental change?

I'm sorry, did I miss the part where this guy is acting like a ******?

[Creekimp13 5,838]

This is a big red flag for me: "I often find that I associate all the negative feelings from when I was unwell with him."

Guy doesn't have to be acting like a jerk or doing anything wrong at all....to still be the wrong guy.

[Frustr8 7,886]

And you won't probablyappreciate this wisdom.
BUT
When you become your own best YOU
it is possible you will no longer require his own bad HIM.
your friend and cheerleader. Frusr8

[Sallymarina70 5]

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to comment! I appreciate it. ❤️ I’m taking your advice to work and focus on myself, and maybe we’ll be able grow together on this journey.