Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

When "Family" doesn't understand



Recommended Posts

28 days ago I had my sleeve done. After 1 year of getting ready for it, the day finally arrived. My significant other well lets just say he isnt very emotionally intelligent and over the last 13 years I have been with him through 11 medical procedures he needed some were in hospital some were out patient. I always put him first , and took care of him what ever he needed. I am really getting very frustrated I feel he is just in my way of healing now, not physically but mentally and emotionally. He is not emotionally supportive at all, I really am in this all alone. I try to stay positive, I have made a major life change and rather than him having my back he would rather rant and rave with his emotional outbursts. I try to be patient as I know he struggles with some mental health issues. There are just those days when I want to say Seriously do you have any clue what I have just gone through and what I continue to go through. I am so drained when I wake up in the morning,. I need time to just get my head on right. I immediately take care of our Dog, getting her fresh Water, food and take her out to do her business. I then try to get my Vitamins and meds in me, drink some liquid and take my blood glucose. But then here he comes complaining there is nothing to eat for breakfast...........which translates to he wants his huge hot Breakfast eggs, bacon, toast or grits etc which now just the smell makes me ill. If he doesnt get his way then he is just moody and very short tempered all day. So to avoid the constant emotional rollercoaster, i stop what I am doing and make breakfast, I sometimes then forget to take meds or vitamins, it takes me longer to get ready in the morning, not as quick since the surgery as I was before. Yes I know I should kick him to the curb ( and I only stated a mild case ) but financially I cant afford to do that right now, I am really stuck with him. SORRY just needed to say this "out loud " I am just emotionally exhausted from him. Thank you anyone that reads this. I appreciate the listening ear

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry that this is so difficult for you. It's not easy under the best of circumstances. My prior experience is telling me that whatever problem you're having, he can play his trump card (mental issues) and make it all about his needs again. Is there anyone else close by that you can turn to for support? Are there support group meetings, a pastor at church? A friendly ear on-line is fine, but sometimes you just need a real-life hug. I hope it gets better for you soon. ((hug))

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks. I appreciate your comments and on line support.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It’s so tough when you give to the other person and you aren’t supported back.

Mental health problems are not an excuse for bad or obnoxious behaviors but it seems like sometimes they are used that way unfortunately.

I hope your situation improves.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You may not be be able to kick him to the kerb yet, but are you able to be assertive as in "you want breakfast? The eggs and bacon are in the fridge, the frying pay is on the stove, I'll leave you to it while I walk and feed the food, then I am off for my shower."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is the reason that the -dirty little secret- of WLS is relationship breakups.

You are in a very different place now than you were before and it happened very fast and offered little to no time for adjustment for either of you.

You cant and don't want to go back to the place you were before so he will have to decide if he is willing to join you in the journey you have started or you will eventually go on with your lives but without each other.

If you give in and go back to the way it was before you will blame him and it will drive you apart. So really it does depend on him. He will adjust or dig in his heels and you will either change back and hate him for doing that to you or you will continue on this journey without him.

It sucks it really does. You can support him all you can but you have to draw the line at giving up your own health and happiness.

Try to find a local support grp and go to a few meetings.

good luck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like you are really unhappy in your relationship right now, and your partner is taking everything he needs from you and giving nothing but attitude and negativity back :(

You said you can't afford financially to leave him right now, and your words give the impression that finances are the only reason you are still there, but staying in this current negative relationship is likely going to cost you a lot emotionally and that will take it's toll on you physically too. You have finally been able to do something for YOUR self and YOUR health, after more than a decade of focusing on your partners problems and needs, don't let that come undone.

Are you able to work towards a situation that is financially safe for you to be on your own? Can you live with family for a while? can you call on social security / spousal (mental/emotional) abuse emergency supports/housing/funding?

Best wishes for happier and healthier days to come.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, 2shea said:

You may not be be able to kick him to the kerb yet, but are you able to be assertive as in "you want Breakfast? The eggs and bacon are in the fridge, the frying pay is on the stove, I'll leave you to it while I walk and feed the food, then I am off for my shower."

Exactly this. It drives me crazy that so many men act like cooking is something they can't or won't do. They eat. They should cook or go out and pay for their meals. NOT expect a woman to provide meals for them on demand.

In any event, I hope things improve for you in the future, and I'm sure they will. Stay strong.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, 2shea said:

You may not be be able to kick him to the kerb yet, but are you able to be assertive as in "you want Breakfast? The eggs and bacon are in the fridge, the frying pay is on the stove, I'll leave you to it while I walk and feed the food, then I am off for my shower."

This, this and THIS.

In order to be successful with this surgery, self care is imperative. This is the perfect opportunity to explain to him that taking care of your needs just as important than his. At this time in your life, probably more so. Use the surgery as an excuse to start worrying about your own needs as opposed always worrying about his. He'll get over it. And if not, so what? You'll figure it out on your own. You really need to believe you are worth it. Make this a new beginning!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe try writing down your “bariatric schedule”. This could include Water, Vitamins, food, the amount of time you are supposed to take for each thing i.e. 30 minutes for shake etc. then write down the consequences of not following the program, such as dehydration, infections, slower healing, and exhaustion. When he confronts you with demands during your recovery time, you can just show him the list. Maybe post it on the fridge. Sometimes writing something down helps others understand what you need just in case you have not expressed verbally what you need.


Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

PRAYER changes everything....its a beautiful thing that you are still trying to accommodate your loved one during your own trials. It's shows you are compassionate, kind and thoughtful. But often people take our kindness for weakness and feel they can take advantage of us or disregard our needs over theirs...this is the point where you have to EVALUATE YOURSELF...see your own needs it's not being selfish it's called if I don't take care of me..no one else will...talk with your mate and express the need the concern the issue but pray before you talk with him...meanwhile find your own inner peace, smile even when you wanna scream...and remind yourself......GOD ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOURE FACING HES JUST WAITING ON YOU TO COME TO HIM.....PRAYER changes everything🙏🙏🙏🙏

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Unfortunately there are those with mental illness that stay dependent and leech the ones around them because they just don’t try to help themselves and use the illness as an excuse. This is often the hardest on those closest to them. NAMI. https://www.nami.org/find-support/nami-programs/nami-family-support-group. Is a great support for family. You are going to have to set some boundaries , especially at this part of your journey. Maybe they can help you with suggestions for your situation.

Melissa ( btw I’m a mental health inpatient nurse)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You are putting up with some very cr*ppy treatment - but take heart!

You will find that as you lose weight, your self-belief will grow. Problems that seemed intractable before surgery, will appear to be within your capabilities to solve. Imagine yourself in a year, lighter - healthier - more confident. You won't want to put up with the same old cr*p as before because you won't be the same person. Exciting for you - scary for him - maybe that's why he's acting out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

28 days ago I had my sleeve done. After 1 year of getting ready for it, the day finally arrived. My significant other well lets just say he isnt very emotionally intelligent and over the last 13 years I have been with him through 11 medical procedures he needed some were in hospital some were out patient. I always put him first , and took care of him what ever he needed. I am really getting very frustrated I feel he is just in my way of healing now, not physically but mentally and emotionally. He is not emotionally supportive at all, I really am in this all alone. I try to stay positive, I have made a major life change and rather than him having my back he would rather rant and rave with his emotional outbursts. I try to be patient as I know he struggles with some mental health issues. There are just those days when I want to say Seriously do you have any clue what I have just gone through and what I continue to go through. I am so drained when I wake up in the morning,. I need time to just get my head on right. I immediately take care of our Dog, getting her fresh Water, food and take her out to do her business. I then try to get my Vitamins and meds in me, drink some liquid and take my blood glucose. But then here he comes complaining there is nothing to eat for breakfast...........which translates to he wants his huge hot Breakfast eggs, bacon, toast or grits etc which now just the smell makes me ill. If he doesnt get his way then he is just moody and very short tempered all day. So to avoid the constant emotional rollercoaster, i stop what I am doing and make breakfast, I sometimes then forget to take meds or Vitamins, it takes me longer to get ready in the morning, not as quick since the surgery as I was before. Yes I know I should kick him to the curb ( and I only stated a mild case ) but financially I cant afford to do that right now, I am really stuck with him. SORRY just needed to say this "out loud " I am just emotionally exhausted from him. Thank you anyone that reads this. I appreciate the listening ear
Is there a family member that you can visit to get a break? I pray that everything gets better for you.

Sent from my SM-G965U using BariatricPal mobile app

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Trending Products

  • Trending Topics

  • Recent Status Updates

    • Prdgrdma

      So I guess after gastric bypass surgery, I cant eat flock chips because they are fried???  They sell them on here so I thought I could have them. So high in protein and no carbs.  They don't bother me at all.  Help. 
      · 1 reply
      1. NickelChip

        It's possible for a very high fat meal to cause dumping in some (30% or so) gastric bypass patients, although it's more likely to be triggered by high sugar, or by the high fat/high sugar combo (think ice cream, donuts). Dietitians will tell you to never do anything that isn't 100% healthy ever again. Realistically, you should aim for a good balance of protein, carbs, and fat each day. Should you eat fried foods every day? No. Is it possible they will make you sick? Maybe. Is it okay to eat some to see what happens and have them for a treat every now and again? Yes.

    • NovelTee

      I'm not at all hungry on this liquid pre-op diet, but I miss the sensation of chewing. It's been about two weeks––surgery is in two days––and I can't imagine how I'll feel a couple of weeks post-op. Tonight, I randomly stumbled upon a mukbang channel on YouTube, and it was strangely soothing... is it just me, or is this a thing? 
      · 1 reply
      1. NickelChip

        I actually watched cooking shows during my pre-op, like Great British Baking Show. It was a little bizarre, but didn't make me hungry. I think it was also soothing in a way.

    • Clueless_girl

      How do you figure out what your ideal weight should be? I've had a figure in my head for years, but after 3 mths of recovery I'm already almost there. So maybe my goal should be lower?
      · 2 replies
      1. NickelChip

        Well, there is actually a formula for "Ideal Body Weight" and you can use a calculator to figure it out for you. This one also does an adjusted weight for a person who starts out overweight or obese. https://www.mdcalc.com/calc/68/ideal-body-weight-adjusted-body-weight

        I would use that as a starting point, and then just see how you feel as you lose. How you look and feel is more important than a number.

      2. Clueless_girl

        I did find different calculators but I couldn't find any that accounted for body frame. But you're right, it is just a number. It was just disheartening to see that although I lost 60% of my excess weight, it's still not in the "normal/healthy" range..

    • Aunty Mamo

      Tomorrow marks two weeks since surgery day and while I'm feeling remarkably well and going about just about every normal activity, I did wind up with a surface abscess on on of my incision sights and was put on an antibiotic that made me so impacted that it took me more than two hours to eliminate yesterday and scared the hell out of me. Now there's Miralax in all my beverages that aren't Smooth Move tea. I cannot experience that again. I shouldn't have to take Ativan to go to the lady's. I really looking forward to my body getting with the program again. 
      I'm in day three of the "puree" stage of eating and despite the strange textures, all of the savory flavors seem decadent. 
      I timed this surgery so that I'd be recovering during my spring break. That was a good plan. Today is a state holiday and the final day of break. I feel really strong to return to school tomorrow. 
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • BeanitoDiego

      Now that I'm in maintenance mode, I'm getting a into a routine for my meals. Every day, I start out with 8-16 ounces of water, and then a proffee, which I have come to look forward to even the night before. My proffees are simply a black coffee with a protein powder added. There are three products that I cycle through: Premier Vanilla, Orgain Vanilla, and Dymatize Vanilla.
      For second breakfast on workdays, I will have a low-fat yogurt with two tablespoons of PBFit and two teaspoons of no sugar added dried cherries. I will have ingested 35-45 grams of protein at this point between the two breakfasts, with 250-285 calories, and about 20 carbs.
      For second breakfast on non-workdays, I will prepare two servings of plain, instant oatmeal with a tablespoon of an olive oil-based spread. This means I will have had 34 grams of protein, 365 calories, and 38 carbs. Non-workdays are when I am being very active with training sessions, so I allow myself more carbohydrate fuel.
      Snacks on any day are always mixed nuts, even when I am travelling. I will have 0.2 cups of a blend that I make myself. It consists of dry roasted peanuts, cashews, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, pistachios, and Brazil nuts. This is 5 grams of protein, 163 calories, and 7 carbs.
      Breakfast and snacks have been the easiest to nail down. Lunch and dinner have more variables, and I prepare enough for leftovers. I concentrate on protein first, and then add vegetables. Typically tempeh, tofu, or Field Roast products with roasted or sautéed vegetables. Today, I will be eating leftovers from last night. Two ounces of tempeh with four ounces of roasted vegetables that consist of red and yellow sweet peppers, sweet potatoes, small purple potatoes, zucchini, and carrots. I will add a tablespoon of olive oil-based spread, break up 3 walnuts to sprinkle of top, and garnish with two tablespoons of grated Parmesan cheese. This particular meal will be 19 grams of protein, 377 calories, and 28 grams of carbs. Bear in mind that I do eat more carbs when I am not working, and I focus on ingesting healthy carbs instead of breads/crackers/chips/crisps.
      It's a helluva journey and I'm thankful to be on it!
       
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
  • Recent Topics

  • Hot Products

  • Sign Up For
    Our Newsletter

    Follow us for the latest news
    and special product offers!
  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs

    PatchAid Vitamin Patches

    ×