VSG candidate, boyfriend NOT onboard!

[Apple203 1,314]

12 minutes ago, Walter.Sobchak said:

Tell your boyfriend to go F**K himself.
Get the surgery for you and to extend your life.
Get thin and hot and find a new understanding boyfriend.
Your boyfriend sounds like a real douchebag, VSG is not the easy way out. It is actually very hard.

A thousand hearts (if I could give out hearts these days -- whassup with the message board?)

[GreenTealael 24,852]

19 hours ago, Futuresleevie18 said:

Hi all, I just found this website while searching for information on how to cope, when your significant other doesn't approve of your decision. Well, I am very pleased to have found this site.

I've been struggling with my weight all of my life and I've had little successes, but somehow the weight lost, always came back 10-fold and I have had it! My primary physician gave me an initial referral about a year ago, but I didn't use it due to the fact that I wasn't completely sure that it was the best thing for me. My boyfriend also expressed his dislike towards the idea, so I went ahead with life until late last year, when I thought long and hard about putting my obesity in my past. I got another referral around December and I went in for a seminar in January, where I was given my first consultation appointment for two weeks later. I kept my appointment and when I got the chance to meet with the surgeons, I expressed to them that I would like to have my surgery done as soon as possible. I was given an initial surgery date of March 12th, however it got pushed back to April, which was fine and then it got pushed back even further in April for the 16th. Anyway, I kept all of my appointments and was very prepared for my surgery on April 16th, but when the day came, my anxiety rose and all I thought was, "God, I don't want to die," so I did not go. I called, left messages, but was later told that it's ok to not show up, but I should still get in touch with my coordinator, which I ultimately did. I asked to have my surgery at a later date because I wanted to push myself to see if this was really the best option for me. They were very gracious to give me another date in July as I had requested. I was set for July 10th and so I went back to eating regular healthy meals and working out even more. I worked out 5-7 days a week and ate clean. I love weightlifting, so I made it a priority while eating more Proteins, vegetables, Water and Protein Shakes and eliminating dairy, sugar, fried foods, etc. I was incredibly motivated to the point where I snacked on broccoli and humus, even cutting out fruits to stay away from sugars. Then I saw the scale going up and things went awry. During my pre-op liquid phase for my initial surgery date I lost 10lbs and from these pounds lost, I saw a two-pound increase within two weeks. I tried not to stress about it, but it was inevitable this past week when I saw an extra 3lbs on the scale. Unfortunately, I'm on my period and it's definitely the reason why I gained the extra 3lbs, so in the middle of my freakout I decided to go ahead and have the surgery no matter what. I emailed my coordinator and the next day the doctor called me to find out how soon I wanted it done and I told him this month. He then gave me a new surgery date, May 14th. I was happy, but still with concerns because I've never been ill and I have a fear of illness. Living alone doesn't help my fear either. Anyway, I told my boyfriend and things are not the same between us.

My boyfriend thinks that I'm taking the easy way out, that I have zero control, that I am being inconsiderate of him, that I will become ill and regretful and he's also expressed that he wants out of the relationship because he doesn't want someone who's lazy and wants a leg up. I tried explaining to him that it has nothing to do with getting a "leg up" or taking the easy way out, but simply for the peace of mind knowing that I'd add several more years to my life. I understand his concerns and how he's feeling, but his thoughts are so extreme that it's stressing out the both of us. I love him so much and would do almost anything for him, but I respected his views on surgery and refrained from it for many years with the hopes of losing the weight naturally, but instead I gained more weight, so right now it's difficult for me to continue respecting his feelings. I want to lose weight! I want to feel good about myself, more than I already do and I feel like this is my best option, but I am also afraid to lose him. I am stuck between a rock and a wall and I don't know how to get out. Help! How can I make him see that this is what's best for me? How do I choose between my love and my well-being? What would you do in this situation? I'd appreciate any advice you may have and thank you in advance!

Choose yourself

[BostonWLKC 806]

“He's always complained about my weight, so the stress from that didn't help and now I have an excellent chance at success, but I'm getting even more stress. “

Sounds like he hasn’t been very supportive if he “complains” about your weight.

My husband was also not in agreement while I was researching and doing the pre appointments but he respected my desire and reasons for getting healthier. He is super supportive now.

IMO you need to do for you first— any other relationship should respect that

[Futuresleevie18 21]

17 hours ago, Frustr8 said:

Start a file to show him it's right for you. Hey we all are landing hard on you? Sweet Sleevie I could be the worst of all. I am 72,yeah you read that right, and at this late date I'm still growing up. See I was what you could become, I was married 44 years to someone, when I look back , was very emotionally controling. Why did I stay there? My generation was taught you put up with a lot just to keep a man, you're nothing without a man, ooh I'd could tell you until nightfall, but now I'm finally,standing,on my own 2 feet, not easy,when every joint is broken down by arthritis. My parents didn't want me to rush my health, I didn't have surgery, I got married, my husband put,me down for my weight, I didn't stand up to him about,it, I stifeled my heartbreak and kept,on, doing any thing to appease his anger so I could keep that man, and I grew a little heavier, had a daughter, raised up until she started school, goody half the responsability, now b I can have some time for me, lost a little weight, felt a little better about myself, did Mr Perfect notice? He complimented me to others but never to me, I was the fat blob,that should always obey him, asked about surgery, told what good would that do? As since I had be taught not to rock the status quo, I gave in, I was warm in a house, yes I had groceries, as long as I cooked what he wanted when he wanted it things were peaceful. I was such a good robot that when the 2 subsequent children cried I took them somewhere, took them for a walk so their noise wouldn't disturb Mr Perfect, the Great White husband, and I started gaining again, when he told me how ugly I was getting, I just gave in , agreed thinking that would make him love me more. Did it work ? Maybe,but he was still against a surgical change for me. And my arthritis kept on getting worse but I gritted me teeth and went on. And my children grew to young adulthood and then adulthood. Did I leave them or him? No I had promised to stay married to him in the wedding vows and my main duty was to,prep him and all the children happy, my wants got stuffed down and I continued on in my warm sheltered prison. Even when I got a job I was expected to return home promptly, gave my check into,the family coffers and kept my mouth shut, I wasn't out in the cold that way.
Toward the end of my marriage I got a little more independant, having a job gave me a little more fire in my soul. I didn't hardly,mention WLS but I decided I would eventually have it for I felt my bodybstarting to slow down from the years of weight.
The last few months of his life he started a new tactic on me. I couldn't cook right, now the children were mostly grown and not around to hearing him, he could try a few more belittling things. People at work started noticing I wasn't as bouncy and cheery as I once was, they attributed to me approaching retirement age, I didn't admit the unhappiness I got at home. I had started walking for exercise with a friend, I was accursed of having an affair with her. I couldn't keep the house clean, he could ha e helped, wouldn't, not a mans job so I did what I could in between working, decided he didn't feel like driving me back and forth, started using public,transit, asked if he would help me regain a license, I hadn't driven in years. Thought,maybe I drive it there with him in other seat, because I had learners permit , then if he drive the car back I could drive home. Seemed reasonable to me, he didn't think so, why would I want to be so silly and do that? And he started talking more about my ugliness, if weight,was,mentioned it was my fault,i was fat and ugly. Got a pedometer to check , my exercise level was quite adequate. I finally Rationlized maybe he was getting Alzheimers, if so maybe he couldn't help what he was saying. The unhappiness must be all my fault. And he started getting thinner, maybe I wasn't making sure he was getting enough to eat. He was always home, did he fix his own food, nope? Found out later after he would announce he was too tired to drive me, he would go out to eat. But I accepted everything was my fault. Didn't admit problems to anyone, that would admit my imperfections. After pointing out to me that he could control his diet and the diet didn't control him, another dig at me. He offered his ultimate insult,I was so ugly that not even a blind man would touch me, and if I did ever find,one, it would take every dollar in my wallet to pay him, for no intelligent would do it for free.
And still he did this and I meekly accepted it.
Then we lost power during a bad storm in 2012, no cold drinks, he wouldn't drink warm drinks or Water so he basically dehydrated and died on the 4th of July. After he died I started going through his personal papers, turned out his doctor had told him he was in kidney failure, without intervention he would die. Had he told me, the woman who gave up college, sublimated her wishes, her self respect and did her up most to please him for 44 years, 2/3rd of her life?Nope, and suddenly the blinders fell off my eyes. I had given everything up and got little in return. I was basically alone, yes I still had my son, although he was and still,is a comfort, to me I would have to be an adult, yes the self-same person told,she was nothing wihout him to,lean on. Guess what he was wrong then and he's still wrong. I am loved in this world for being,me,not somebody's daughter, somebody's wife, somebody's parent, loved for me and me alone. And like a prisioner wrongly,imprisoned for a crime he didn't commit, I am free! And since I am now freed, I can want and achieve a dream, bariatric surgery, yes it is a late date in my life, but I can still have a few more years to live smaller, fitter and with a greater degree of health. And sad to say, there probably surgeon's that will say,i,am too old, too physically depleted for surgery. So now I have to carry,my own banner, at 20,30,40 even 50 people are happy to March with you on such,a journey. At 72 I am forced to,make my own kind of music, sing my own song, but even then, the sound of my voicecspeaking up still deserves to be heard.
You said he is not supportive of your plans for surgery? Well earlier today I wrote a poem, well I do write poetry, that part of my personality didn't get killed. You'll find it posted under Surgery is it the easy way out? I may be a little proud of my own work but I think,of is pretty good. Go read,it, everyone else reading can too. Then get back to me if you like. I'm almost always within earshot,of my android phone. Your older but wiser friend Frust8

Oh my, Frust8, thank you for sharing your story with me! I am so sorry you had to go through this. It's such a shame when the people we love and care about refuse to show support when it truly counts. I'm happy you've found the strength and courage to do what you needed to do for you. I'm working on gathering my strength again. All the best to you.

[Frustr8 7,886]

And future Sleevie you will😝 A thought for today(and also to hold for later)
You'll do what you have to do sometimes better than you believe you can.
Hugs & 💕 Frust8

[Futuresleevie18 21]

3 hours ago, TexasMommy80 said:

I’m sorry you are going through this, but if your boyfriend is using this as a way out, the may have more issues than you are aware of. My boyfriend was very much against mine and had no problem expressing that. He thought it was too risky considering my only issue was severe osteoarthritis (even though I’ve already had a knee replacement at 36). He eventually came around and now fully supports me. He is a body builder and he has been looking up healthy recipes we can both eat when I am able to again. He knows that I want to change up my focus in the gym too, so he is making me a new workout plan. I think in the long run, it’s been good for us.


Age: 37
Height: 5’6
Starting BMI: 37
VSG: 4/16/18
Starting Weight: 241
Surgery Weight: 229
Current Weight: 213 (17 days post op)
GW: 160
MFP: Fit4LifeAR

Thank you for sharing and the advice! That's great that your bf came around and even help with the process!!! That's what my bf thinks as well because my only issue is my swollen ankles. I literally take a car (if he can't drive me) everywhere! I'm in NYC and there's no way I can take PT because my ankles swell up and hurt when I walk for too far and stand for too long. They even swell up when I sit for too long! It's major problem for me and he knows that, but somehow he is convinced that I don't need the surgery. Oh my God, I am so frustrated and undecided. 😒

[Futuresleevie18 21]

9 minutes ago, Frustr8 said:

And future Sleevie you will😝 A thought for today(and also to hold for later)
You'll do what you have to do sometimes better than you believe you can.
Hugs & 💕 Frust8

Thank you!!! I believe it, at least I'll try. 😃

[Futuresleevie18 21]

1 hour ago, BostonWLKC said:

“He's always complained about my weight, so the stress from that didn't help and now I have an excellent chance at success, but I'm getting even more stress. “

Sounds like he hasn’t been very supportive if he “complains” about your weight.

My husband was also not in agreement while I was researching and doing the pre appointments but he respected my desire and reasons for getting healthier. He is super supportive now.

IMO you need to do for you first— any other relationship should respect that

You're so fortunate to have his support! I hope to have that one day. The thing is, he's supported me with decision I've made, but this one thing he just doesn't believe in it. I don't need his approval, but I guess it'll make me feel better knowing that he'll be there. *Sigh*

[Futuresleevie18 21]

5 hours ago, Creekimp13 said:

I think you're codependent and in love with an idea of him.... that isn't true.

Don't waste your love on someone who doesn't love you back. His actions prove how he feels about you.

Here's a clue....no one who loves you would make you choose.

Thank you! I am to an extent. I've spent the last seven years of my life with him and he's been there for me through all of my ups and downs, even when he's contributed to my downs, and that is why it hurts me so much.

[Creekimp13 5,838]

Futuresleevie....if he's there after your surgery, and he starts to support you and root for your success......you'll know he loves you.

If not....you'll know it was time to move on.

Best wishes for a safe, effective procedure!

[stacy@5 69]

My Hisband doesn’t want me to have the surgery either, but like I told him I’m doing this for me, my health and my family (including him). I have 4 grandchildren and I want to do whatever I can to be around to be their GeeGee! Now I told him I love you but I love me too!! Believe me I have always been the person who just goes with the flow and not rock the boat to cause an argument, but over the last few years I have found my voice and I’m gonna use it to take care of me!! Good luck to you!!

[allwet 868]

On 5/6/2018 at 12:25 PM, Futuresleevie18 said:

Thank you! I am to an extent. I've spent the last seven years of my life with him and he's been there for me through all of my ups and downs, even when he's contributed to my downs, and that is why it hurts me so much.

Sad, Sad, Sad - Your are worried about a 7 year relationship but not worried about the lifetime relationship with yourself that you giving up on. This guy is not your forever - he isn't even your right now! He is a 7 year room mate that wants everything in his life to stay in his control and that includes you.

You want your ankles to stop hurting - have the surgery lose the weight

You want some control back over your life - have the surgery - chose yourself over others.

You can not ever expect someone to truly love you until you love yourself enough to want the best for you.

I am sorry i don't do the sweet talk and tend to upset people but you clearly have some emotional baggage and this boyfriend is just something you are afraid of letting go because the unknown is very scary.

The unknown is also your best bet for a future because all the things you do "know" are failing you.

good luck and i truly do hope you make the right decision for Your life.

[johnsons13 359]

On 05/06/2018 at 1:26 AM ,Frustr8 said:

Start a file to show him it's right for you. Hey we all are landing hard on you? Sweet Sleevie I could be the worst of all. I am 72,yeah you read that right, and at this late date I'm still growing up. See I was what you could become, I was married 44 years to someone, when I look back , was very emotionally controling. Why did I stay there? My generation was taught you put up with a lot just to keep a man, you're nothing without a man, ooh I'd could tell you until nightfall, but now I'm finally,standing,on my own 2 feet, not easy,when every joint is broken down by arthritis. My parents didn't want me to rush my health, I didn't have surgery, I got married, my husband put,me down for my weight, I didn't stand up to him about,it, I stifeled my heartbreak and kept,on, doing any thing to appease his anger so I could keep that man, and I grew a little heavier, had a daughter, raised up until she started school, goody half the responsability, now b I can have some time for me, lost a little weight, felt a little better about myself, did Mr Perfect notice? He complimented me to others but never to me, I was the fat blob,that should always obey him, asked about surgery, told what good would that do? As since I had be taught not to rock the status quo, I gave in, I was warm in a house, yes I had groceries, as long as I cooked what he wanted when he wanted it things were peaceful. I was such a good robot that when the 2 subsequent children cried I took them somewhere, took them for a walk so their noise wouldn't disturb Mr Perfect, the Great White husband, and I started gaining again, when he told me how ugly I was getting, I just gave in , agreed thinking that would make him love me more. Did it work ? Maybe,but he was still against a surgical change for me. And my arthritis kept on getting worse but I gritted me teeth and went on. And my children grew to young adulthood and then adulthood. Did I leave them or him? No I had promised to stay married to him in the wedding vows and my main duty was to,prep him and all the children happy, my wants got stuffed down and I continued on in my warm sheltered prison. Even when I got a job I was expected to return home promptly, gave my check into,the family coffers and kept my mouth shut, I wasn't out in the cold that way.

Toward the end of my marriage I got a little more independant, having a job gave me a little more fire in my soul. I didn't hardly,mention WLS but I decided I would eventually have it for I felt my bodybstarting to slow down from the years of weight.

The last few months of his life he started a new tactic on me. I couldn't cook right, now the children were mostly grown and not around to hearing him, he could try a few more belittling things. People at work started noticing I wasn't as bouncy and cheery as I once was, they attributed to me approaching retirement age, I didn't admit the unhappiness I got at home. I had started walking for exercise with a friend, I was accursed of having an affair with her. I couldn't keep the house clean, he could ha e helped, wouldn't, not a mans job so I did what I could in between working, decided he didn't feel like driving me back and forth, started using public,transit, asked if he would help me regain a license, I hadn't driven in years. Thought,maybe I drive it there with him in other seat, because I had learners permit , then if he drive the car back I could drive home. Seemed reasonable to me, he didn't think so, why would I want to be so silly and do that? And he started talking more about my ugliness, if weight,was,mentioned it was my fault,i was fat and ugly. Got a pedometer to check , my exercise level was quite adequate. I finally Rationlized maybe he was getting Alzheimers, if so maybe he couldn't help what he was saying. The unhappiness must be all my fault. And he started getting thinner, maybe I wasn't making sure he was getting enough to eat. He was always home, did he fix his own food, nope? Found out later after he would announce he was too tired to drive me, he would go out to eat. But I accepted everything was my fault. Didn't admit problems to anyone, that would admit my imperfections. After pointing out to me that he could control his diet and the diet didn't control him, another dig at me. He offered his ultimate insult,I was so ugly that not even a blind man would touch me, and if I did ever find,one, it would take every dollar in my wallet to pay him, for no intelligent would do it for free.

And still he did this and I meekly accepted it.

Then we lost power during a bad storm in 2012, no cold drinks, he wouldn't drink warm drinks or Water so he basically dehydrated and died on the 4th of July. After he died I started going through his personal papers, turned out his doctor had told him he was in kidney failure, without intervention he would die. Had he told me, the woman who gave up college, sublimated her wishes, her self respect and did her up most to please him for 44 years, 2/3rd of her life?Nope, and suddenly the blinders fell off my eyes. I had given everything up and got little in return. I was basically alone, yes I still had my son, although he was and still,is a comfort, to me I would have to be an adult, yes the self-same person told,she was nothing wihout him to,lean on. Guess what he was wrong then and he's still wrong. I am loved in this world for being,me,not somebody's daughter, somebody's wife, somebody's parent, loved for me and me alone. And like a prisioner wrongly,imprisoned for a crime he didn't commit, I am free! And since I am now freed, I can want and achieve a dream, bariatric surgery, yes it is a late date in my life, but I can still have a few more years to live smaller, fitter and with a greater degree of health. And sad to say, there probably surgeon's that will say,i,am too old, too physically depleted for surgery. So now I have to carry,my own banner, at 20,30,40 even 50 people are happy to March with you on such,a journey. At 72 I am forced to,make my own kind of music, sing my own song, but even then, the sound of my voicecspeaking up still deserves to be heard.

You said he is not supportive of your plans for surgery? Well earlier today I wrote a poem, well I do write poetry, that part of my personality didn't get killed. You'll find it posted under Surgery is it the easy way out? I may be a little proud of my own work but I think,of is pretty good. Go read,it, everyone else reading can too. Then get back to me if you like. I'm almost always within earshot,of my android phone. Your older but wiser friend Frust8

you are amazing woman. so strong and to me you're young at heart

[ausmith 374]

I think deep down you know your answer to the question. Time for you to do what you need to do. You don’t live with him so tell him he is being immature and irrational. You love the fact he has been supportive of your attempts in the past but that hasn’t worked. Tell him not to call you until he can accept that your putting your health first. That when he is ready to support your decision then feel free to call you. If he doesn’t call he wasn’t worth it. You will find a new network of friends as you follow your journey. They will be the support that he obviously doesn’t think he can be.
Learn from what frust8 lived. It’s not a life you would wish on anyone else so don’t let it become your life. Don’t let history repeat itself. Good Luck make sure you let us know once the surgery is completed

[ausmith 374]

I just went back and checked you were supposed to have surgery on the 14th. I’m really hoping you went through with it but if you didn’t we will be here for you when you decide to do it. Good Luck