Taking back my life

[Roxine 211]

My journey begins over 45 years ago. As a child, I was groomed from the age of 5 by my maternal Grandfather and suffered at his hand for over 8 years. Child sexual abuse is something most never talk about. I never spoke about mine until November 5, 2011 - when the news of the Penn State/Jerry Sandusky scandal broke - I remember my heart breaking as I sat in my car listening to the news account and later reading the presentment. It too closely mirrored my own experience - child sexual abuse - and people knew - and did nothing. My pain was too much to bear. I sat at my desk that morning at work and penned a piece entitled "I am the face of child sexual abuse." What followed next was a whirlwind - a local news station considered interviewing me after reading my piece - I was invited on Anderson Cooper's show - however while I had written I was the face of child sexual abuse - I wasn't sure I wanted to be "the face." I reached out to the Dr. Laura program to simply ask her how do you go on the air and talk about something so personal - She asked me to read my piece to her - I was then invited back the next day on Dr. Laura to read my piece and answer questions from callers. I met other survivors on a site called Daily Kos and started what would become a charity for victims and survivors of child sexual abuse that I ran for about 6 years - I wrote another piece for the Penn State University Newsletter on campus entitled I was a kid, you were a man - I co-wrote a book for the young men who testified at the Jerry Sandusky trial entitled "Bearing Witness" - attended every day of trial - from Jury Duty to Sentencing - in support of them and delivered the book to either the young men, their families, or their attorneys. I was included in a book entitled "To Believe a Kid" by Sylvia Kurtz - and had finally stepped out of the darkness and into the light.

My last battle - the last victory in my journey - is my weight. I have succeeded both professionally and personally - but I have carried my weight as a shield all of these years. I felt that it protected me. I know intellectually that is irrational - but for me, it allowed me to control who, when, and what. If I wanted someone to get to know me I said who, when and how close they could get. Each and every time I successfully lost weight, I would be triggered as soon as outside attention returned. When men started commenting on my looks, I would become uncomfortable. But not any longer. I am ready to be the person I was always supposed to be.

March 5th I had gastric bypass. To date, I have lost 32 pounds and several sizes (had to go shopping this weekend!). I am eager to begin working out (can begin next week - 4 weeks post-op) and will not squander this opportunity. I turned 50 on March 10th and plan on living out the remainder of my years un-apologetically. I want to wear cute clothes and strappy sandals and pretty undergarments for my husband. I want to ski and run and be comfortable in a bathing suit on an island every summer. I want to dress up and show off my curves, not hide behind the layers of fat I've been carrying. I want to Celebrate who I've become in spite of the difficulties of my childhood. I have not only survived, but thrived.

Just a bit about who I am...looking forward to taking this journey with all of you.

Roxine

[frust8 962]

Thank you Roxine for sharing, putting into words what many of us have lived. I am your soul sister, something neither of us sought. I'm sitting here crying, I'll get up ,go on with life.I simply must, and someday I also will shed my fat caccoon and dance in sunlight. I still mourn for the carefree childhood I was denied, but I now have strength in my spirit and put those demons behind me. Thank you Roxine[emoji12]

Sent from my VS880PP using BariatricPal mobile app

[Roxine 211]

frust8 - thank you for sharing as well. There are far too many of us out there. 1 in 4 girls/1 in 6 boys are sexually abused by the age of 18 - 90% by someone they know, 68% by a family member.

Most just never tell. Many combat their abuse through addiction - dissociation - drugs/alcohol/illicit sex - they continue to abuse themselves for it makes the pain bearable.

Dr. Judith Herman, in her book Trauma and Recovery, states:

“Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom. But the personality formed in the environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. She approaches the task of early adulthood――establishing independence and intimacy――burdened by major impairments in self-care, in cognition and in memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships. She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.”

And on the subject of why people often don't believe the victim - but rather side with the adult -

“It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.”

[Sleeve1stFitNext 924]

Your journey is moving. I am so happy that both of you are able to overcome such a hurdle. Being willing and strong enough to take back your lives like that are inspiring. I personally did not experience it but I was an SVVA advocate when in college. I specialized in child sexual abuse and how it can affect into adulthood. I also specialized in Domestic Violence. I saw and heard so many things that changed and shaped my world and how I treated people.

See we judge people and treat people unfairly not understanding what is going on in their homes or what is happening to them. That single smile or feeling of safety means so much more than any of us who lived a carefree life will ever understand.

I hope you find that peace as you deserve it.