Is 210 lbs too small for gastric sleeve? Running out of patience and time.

[lviv 2]

My husband had his gastric sleeve surgery 3 1/2 years ago, and is now down to about 160lbs (lost almost 200.) In that time, I told myself I would lose weight too. I didn't -- I gained 20 more lbs instead. And frankly, it's getting ugly. My dad suddenly treats my husband like a human being, which is great if hypocritical. But now his disdain has transferred to me, and now I'm too fat for him. He makes comments about how my husband's gonna leave me if I don't lose weight, now that he's "skinny." My dad had the equivalent of the sleeve --he had an ulcer in the 80s, had 2/3 of his stomach cut out, and got skinny as a result. Now that he's retired and not doing manual labor, the lbs are creeping back on, and he hates himself for it, cuz he's been thin for so many years. So he takes it out on me.

And my husband has not been doing much to disprove the stat about post-gastric surgery patients leaving the spouse they're now too good for. He treats me with more and more neglect every year. I used to be the girl of his dreams when he was 270 lbs. Now I'm nothing to him. He brags about how small he is, what size he's wearing (smaller than me of course.) Used to be I couldn't borrow his stuff cuz it's too big, it would hang off of me. Now he's smaller than me, and no wife should be bigger than her husband. And I always figured I never would be.

And then the final straw -- my mother-in-law went on a severe WW regimen and lost 40 lbs (squeezing into a size 8 -- I ain't never been a size 8 in my life! LOL Smallest I've ever been is a 10, a very fit 10, but STILL.) So now SHE'S bragging about how small she is, making a big show about choosing only the healthiest items at a restaurant. We all received polo shirts for a club we're part of, I got an L and was glad it wasn't too tight. But she's now bragging about how she'll need a small now. FML

So I'm getting it on all sides now. I finally lost my temper and told my husband how much it hurts to get the constant obsession over dieting, it makes me not want to eat at the same table as my MIL. He shot back at me for all the times my dad made cracks about his weight, and I didn't defend him because I knew Dad was right.

I can't wait anymore. If I wait much longer, my husband will leave me. Cuz I'm embarrasing him, or I'm gonna lose my **** on my MIL one of these days, and then she'll win, the way all mothers-in-law WIN when they make their DIL's scream at them. And she'll be all like "Oh I didn't do anything wrong! I'm sorry if you're JEALOUS CUZ I'M THINNER THAN YOU!"and smile the evilest of smiles, the way all mothers of sons do." She's been fat all her life, she's suddenly thin, and is being an a*****e about it. Like mother, like son.

Now I'm getting it on all sides: my dad, my husband, my MIL, are all shaming me. I'm so sick of it I just wanna get the surgery so I can be thinner than all of them. I'll be a smug b***h just like the rest of them, and see how they like it. Maybe they'll start treating me like a human again, and not a huge pile of dead weight!

[Diana_in_Philly 1,426]

So, a few things, in no particular order -

Your BMI based upon height and weight is generally one of the most significant criteria. So if you weigh 210 and are 5'2" - your BMI would be 38.4, which would qualify under most insurance policies. (Generally over 35 will get you covered if you have coverage in your plan for bariatric surgery). But if you are 5'7 - that makes your BMI 32.9 which might be too low for surgery - so knowing your BMI and what your insurance plans requirements are is the biggest factor.

Second - losing weight is not going to change how your father or your mother in law treat you. Losing weight is not about changing them, its about making changes for you. Your father's comments and anger will still be directed at you. Your mother in law will still treat you the way she does because your husband has never stepped up and told her that she cannot treat his wife like that. (I was married to a guy like that - we got divorced. Easiest 160 pounds I ever lost.)

Your relationship with your husband appears to have issues that have nothing to do with your weight. It sounds to me like you have a lot of work to do on yourself. From what I am reading, it appears you have some self-esteem issues which need to be worked out and bariatric surgery isn't going to fix those.

You have to go into this for the right reasons - and part of that is getting your head right about why you were overweight to begin with. Then you need to drill down and do the hard work on yourself.

I had VSG one year ago. I now weight less than when my husband married me. Am I thinking of leaving him? Absolutely not. Why? Because I love him and he loves me and we work on our relationship every day. I have my own work I need to do - I still see myself as the fat girl I once was.

Please find a counselor to work on yourself before you head toward surgery. If your head isn't in the right place, it will not work. It's not magic. It is a tool which requires commitment for the rest of your life.

I wish you luck and peace.

[lviv 2]

Thanks, Diana. FYI I'm 5'2" so I am within the BMI range of gastric bypass surgery. WOW. Just saying that out loud sounds terrible, like I'm going to jail for years. I helped my husband out and supported him endlessly during his obesity and his WLS, so I have a good idea of what I'm in for.

Truth of the matter is, I was an awkward, overweight teenager who let my early boyfriends take advantage of me and treat me like dirt, because they were better looking than me, and "doing me a favor". Even had a handsome boyfriend who was a closeted gay man, and I wouldn't accept it until he flat-out told me "OK, fine, I'll marry you, but you gotta know I'm not 100% hetero."

Wow. Every girl dreams of someday having her handsome boyfriend say "Fine, I'll marry you." Right? And then there's the REST. LOL

After a year of him nagging me to lose weight, I did. We broke up halfway through the process. I looked the best I ever looked, and men noticed me. Really noticed me. And I went batshit crazy. Total **** phase, that lasted several years. Not conducive to finding a nice guy and settling down! I went from failed relationship to failed relationship, Taylor Swift style.

And then when that blew up in my face, I was finally single for the first time in years. And after that, I was finding out who I was. And I was willing to date a guy that didn't LOOK like arm candy, he was over 270 lbs. But he was a great guy. I took a chance, and we hit it off immediately. We fell in love, got married, and everybody said how cute we were together. But he made it clear: I was his dream girl, that he had a crush on for years.

So that's the uneven footing we were on when we got married. And now the situation's reversed -- he can do a lot better than me now. And he knows it. And that's when men leave. That's when they ALWAYS leave. I was with him when he was unemployed, stood by him and was the sole breadwinner. I still make more than him, mostly because I'm in a more lucrative field. But he's more successful and more attractive now, and isn't that always when men decide to trade up?

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

Everything Diana said. But I would give you a big hug and tell you all this as if I was your best friend.....

Be your own best friend right now. Give yourself everything you've got and make the changes to feel good about yourself.

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

Most hospital bariatric programs have counselors, take advantage of that - you have the money. There are many problems regarding relationships that you have had that are definitely about self esteem. You have to like yourself and be the real you - not the reactionary you - which is how you are presenting by the venting you have posted.

The boards are here for all that support when you need to vent, but we can't fix it for you.

I think you know what to do.

I am 5'2" and weigh 222 and surgery is in two weeks.

Edited October 10, 2017 by Sosewsue61

[Danny Paul 761]

Iviv, get the surgery. Once you get the surgery you'll start to feel much better about yourself. Once your comfortable in your own skin you can work on your relationships with your family. Your happiness depends solely on how you feel about yourself. Right now from what I'm reading you're not feeling good about yourself. You're overweight while those around you are losing weight. You want to feel like you belong but you can't because of your physical appearance. Change it. WLS is not a panacea but a very effective tool to make a drastic life change. On the other hand you say when you lost weight :

1 hour ago, lviv said:

I looked the best I ever looked, and men noticed me. Really noticed me. And I went batshit crazy. Total **** phase, that lasted several years. Not conducive to finding a nice guy and settling down! I went from failed relationship to failed relationship, Taylor Swift style.

Will you find it in yourself to succeed in relationships when you lose weight this time or will you go back to previous behaviors? If you look at the WLS a one time golden ticket to make positive improvements in your life your chances of successful family relationships will be good. On the other hand if you have WLS and use it as a tool to "even the score" with your family you are doomed to fail on many levels. One which would be to gain the weight back and continue the cycle of being miserable after finally losing all the weight and not being a positive person. Get the surgery, work on being a happy person and most of all don't use your weight loss as a weapon to get even with others. You can probably be the most positive member of your family if you start to feel good about yourself.

[lviv 2]

Well, my dad and my husband both regained some of the weight back (Dad gained about 60 lbs over the past few years, and husband gained back 15 lbs over the last year) because unlike me, they didn't feel the need to watch what they ate cuz they had the stomachs of hamsters for so long. And yet somehow that still manages to piss me off: "These mothafuckas get to eat whatever they want, and they still look like Sally Struthers should be raising money for them. And I am eating yogurt for lunch and LOOKING LIKE SALLY STRUTHERS!" :-P

[sassy683 184]

Well, my dad and my husband both regained some of the weight back (Dad gained about 60 lbs over the past few years, and husband gained back 15 lbs over the last year) because unlike me, they didn't feel the need to watch what they ate cuz they had the stomachs of hamsters for so long. And yet somehow that still manages to piss me off: "These mothafuckas get to eat whatever they want, and they still look like Sally Struthers should be raising money for them. And I am eating yogurt for lunch and LOOKING LIKE SALLY STRUTHERS!" :-P

Lmao

Sent from my SM-G935V using BariatricPal mobile app

[hmills653 365]

He should make you feel like a goddess at any weight. I could grow another head and my husband would tell me that's just extra beauty or something to make me feel good. Maybe seeing a marriage counselor as well might be helpful.

[Berry78 4,259]

Here's a post you made back in 2014:

"Husband is getting bariatric surgery in 1 month and I'm pretty scared. He's 350 lbs, hasn't had sex with me since 2013, and out of the blue in January tells me he's been looking into getting "the sleeve". I thought it was a very good move, and was very supportive of him, but now I'm worried. I'd been reading up on the procedure, and over and over again, I hear that 85% of marriages fall apart in 2 years after surgery.

The truth is, my husband's been very pushy, ever since we were engaged -- I hate conflict, and I let him have his way almost always. I'm now about 30-50 lbs overweight (I was 20 lbs overweight when we were married, and he was about 250 back then.) I'm feeling very bad about my half-hearted attempts to lose weight, but now I'm feeling frantic, like I need to be thin before he is, or I'll look like the frumpy old wife he needs to get rid of so he can enjoy his new life. I haven't lost weight, and feel that once he does start losing weight, his pushiness will get even worse, as his ego goes into overdrive and women start flirting with him (which I hear is very common after WLS, even when the patient is still mid-weight-loss) and he'll become a NIGHTMARE.

I already feel ignored, like I'm not even female, let alone the woman he worked so hard to win over. All I am is a paycheck and a maid, and I fear he'll be grinding me down even more when he's flirting back and hitting on women in front of me. I've had boyfriends do that to me before in the past , and even when you do up and leave, the damage to your self-image doesn't ever really leave you. I thought my husband was different, and I'm afraid he won't be.

I'm not looking forward to being thrown away while my husband enjoys his second adolescence."

-----------------------------------

Here is an interesting article that may or may not apply...

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201412/codependent-or-simply-dependent-what-s-the-big-difference%3Famp

[aln1218 30]

I’m 206 and got approved to have it done. Surgery is next Wedensday


"Drop It Like it's Hot [emoji91]"

[Berry78 4,259]

13 hours ago, Berry78 said:

Before surgery:

"I already feel ignored, like I'm not even female, let alone the woman he worked so hard to win over."

22 hours ago, lviv said:

3 years later:

"He treats me with more and more neglect every year."

Things didn't really change postop. The problems that were there before, are the same problems as now. If his weight loss didn't fix those things, why do you think yours will?

I'm not saying "don't get the surgery". I actually think it may be a good move for you. But I am saying that getting the surgery is not going to fix your relationship. If your relationship is going to be fixed, it's going to require some other type of work (counseling, or lengthy discussions, or something.. I don't know much about fixing couple-problems).

I do know that couples need to have common-ground. They should have activities they enjoy doing together. (This is a huge downfall in my marriage, and I'm not sure if/when it will get fixed).

Dieting together is one way to help get some common ground. But the problem is, you are already frustrated because you see your hubby eating whatever he wants, just in limited portion sizes. While you eat yogurt.

If he continues doing that, don't worry, you'll have your 270lb husband back in a few more years. Classic misunderstanding of what this surgery does. Regain is a real thing, and so even after having the surgery, one must remain on a "diet" for life. Yogurt for lunch is required forever.

And, he's a guy, presumably MUCH taller than you. He's always going to be able to eat twice the calories that you'll be able to. It sucks, and I'm in the same boat. You may get the surgery, lose all the weight, then proceed to regain, yourself, if you followed his lead.

[SVT1983 1]

And here I have the complete opposite situation!

I say whatever you decide to do, do what is best for YOU! If there is a time to do something for yourself, this is it! Screw the mother/father in law and explain to your husband how you are feeling about them, their comments, and the way they treat you. Ultimately, I think he should be defending you and putting his foot down with his parents. Disrespect is not cool. No matter who you are or how much you weigh. Seems like a pretty toxic situation overall. If your husband isn’t willing to support you through your journey AND work together to resolve any issues between the two of you, then you may have bigger decisions to make.

Just my two cents.

[Sherry Rice 184]