Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

I didn't think I'd feel this way. Vent.



Recommended Posts

Guest

Im 28, from the UK. I had the sleeve on January 17th. Ive lost around 80 lbs, another 20 ish to goal. Loosing very slowly now but im fine with that as im building muscle too.

I've had a long complicated history with food and weight which included bulimia in my teens. I'd say up until surgery I was still an emotional eater despite having many years of therapy.

Since getting this surgery I've had ups and downs. But overall I feel as though I've finally gotten some consistency in terms of eating and my weight. I feel normal. Im going the gym regularly and focusing on eating healthily not just low calorie. Im actually running. I'd never even been to the gym before my surgery as I was too self conscious.

I still hate my body though. I was expecting loose skin but im not sure I appreciated the feelings that would come with it. I feel like I look like I've melted. I hate looking in the mirror. Today I've been off work sick (unrelated infection)- im usually busy all the time. I've found myself just preoccupied with my own thoughts all day. I actually ended up crying briefly which is unusual for me.

Don't get me wrong. Im so grateful that I am no longer clinically obese and that I will hopefully avoid all the medical complications that I'm sure I would have had, should I have not had this surgery. Im just struggling to be happy. I feel a huge amount of guilt around this. So many people would love to be in my position. In the last few weeks I've actually entered a normal weight (24.9). I know I've achieved so much but I just thought I'd be happier about it.

My parents have offered to fund plastics for me ( ive been researching and hoping this is something I could do next year on finance), having paid half of my sleeve already. Again I just feel guilt instead of greatfulness. Im a grown woman with a job and a mortgage. I feel I should be supporting them, not still the other way around.

I'd love to try to have children, one of the reasons for my decision to get the sleeve. Im not sure that a Tummy Tuck is a good idea if I want to actively try for this, or that a surgeon would either, but also cant imagine living this way for the next few years. Im not sure it will even happen. I havent even had sex with my partner for around 6 months, the thought of it (my own body) makes me feel horrible. I just feel very conflicted.

I'm not sure I'll even be happy if I get the plastics I want. What if I just start focusing on another area I'm unhappy with.

I'm a psyc nurse so I know it's all about mindset and that there are clearly underlying issues with the way I feel about myself. I know I'd advise anyone that therapy is the way to go but I've already done it all. Im also well aware that there are no magic answers, therapy could go on for years with no change and that the provision of further therapy in the UK would be costly. Im feeling quite hopeless. I have made huge progress in terms of my own mental health since my teens. I guess just not as much as I thought.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm getting a tone of some underlying anxiety and depression in your post. Since you have already been down the counselling road you should talk to your GP and see if a trial of SSRI would not be helpful. Best wishes.

Edited by apu

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Congratulations on losing 80 pounds and getting your BMI in the normal range. Although I had some hanging skin after weight loss, it doesn't really bother me. It is generally below my belt and unless I was butt naked, no one except my wife would notice. But maybe it is because I am a man. I did notice that after surgery, I dropped from a size 3X down to a size small in shirts and from a size 46 down to a size 33 in pants, that I liked clothes again. This weight loss meant that I could shop in department stores again and replace my wardrobe with the latest fashions. I enjoyed this immensely.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hon, you are not alone in this!! You are quite a bit younger than me, (I am 61) talk about a melted body!! I look like a candle that has not only melted but I have run in a pool. LOL, I'll bet that more than NOT people struggle with these issues. The feelings that you have are so normal!! You just never know, your skin could bounce back faster than me at 61. As far as not feeling happy is just part of the growth we need to do. I had my RNY on July 2, 2013, I got to my goal weight in 6 months. So I actually have maintained my weight loss for 3 and 1/2 years. Sadly, I have gained back 8#'s But...I really did lose too much. In fact, my Dr. said he was glad that I had finally stopped losing. Am I happy about my gain? NOPE!!! But it is a whole lot less than 4 years ago. After 2 years of maintaining I had a PANNI done. The Plastic Surgeon removed 10 plus pounds of skin/fat etc. I am not very happy with my results. But for the actual removal of the bottom of my tummy, I am happy. But...now I need Lipo on my upper stomach. Which my PS would be happy to do more at a different time. He said he would give me a break on the cost. He said he would do my LIPO and a breast lift for $6,000. I am not happy with him at this time. He didn't follow thru with what he had said. He told me he would pull everything to the front and remove that along with my front removal. That didn't happen. Anyway, now that I have written a book I'm sorry. My hubby said something that opened my eyes. He told me that I would never be fine with my body that it didn 't matter what I had done I would always want more done!! You know what maybe he is right. I would suggest that you research and make sure that you do what is best for you. Good Luck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, shedo82773 said:

He told me that I would never be fine with my body that it didn 't matter what I had done I would always want more done!!

This is exactly what I was going to say to Oompa Lumpa.

Oompa... you have a lifetime of being unhappy with your body. Surgery, no surgery..obese, not obese.. it won't make a difference.

I recommend putting off plastics until you are finished having children. Don't pile on more guilt by borrowing money from family to do a procedure that won't make you happy anyway.

It's time to switch your focus away from how you LOOK to what you can DO. If you are working out, focus on walking a bit farther on the treadmill or lifting a bit more weight. Focus on doing a great job at work, and fixing that thing in your home that's been put off.

There are so many other things in life to concentrate on, that it's time to put your body image on the backburner. (Hopefully you've used your post-surgical time to create new eating habits that are now second nature, thus require very little thought).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know exactly how you feel, and I think it's common for anyone who is obese or who used to be obese. It's a combination of our actual thoughts and societal standards making us feel guilty for not being perfect.

I feel deflated, and I still have 100lbs to lose! I do plan to (somehow) have plastics, I need a total overhaul - arms, Tummy Tuck, thigh lift, breast lift and augmentation.... which just sounds miserable to actually DO. And to go through all of that, I already know, I will find something not to life. An asymmetrical scar or something insignificant and I fear going into the rabbit hole of plastics because I already know I'll always be able to pick myself apart and find something else that needs to be "fixed".

I can't tell you how to end thoughts like that, but I would echo what others have said and say focus on what you CAN do now that you've lost this weight, and also talk to your doc about getting on an anti-depressant. I take Zoloft and it really does calm the voice in my head and allow me to enjoy the journey.

I also try to remind myself that my body is AMAZING. It has bounced back from all I've put it through, and I want to take better care of it so it can continue to amaze me as I get older.

Just know, you aren't alone thinking this way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Uk also, also history of bulimia. I am sorry your having a hard time. I am 213 right now. I am shocked to find at this weight and your at my goal weight ish (135) you are still met with saggy skin , I will prepare myself. i havent lost much but i put my ams in the air to flap around to show my mum what i will have in the future and with a hw of 244 i already got flappy arms that wasnt there a few weeks ago lol wish the world luck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

21 hours ago, Oompa Lumpa said:

Im 28, from the UK. I had the sleeve on January 17th. Ive lost around 80 lbs, another 20 ish to goal. Loosing very slowly now but im fine with that as im building muscle too.

I've had a long complicated history with food and weight which included bulimia in my teens. I'd say up until surgery I was still an emotional eater despite having many years of therapy.

Since getting this surgery I've had ups and downs. But overall I feel as though I've finally gotten some consistency in terms of eating and my weight. I feel normal. Im going the gym regularly and focusing on eating healthily not just low calorie. Im actually running. I'd never even been to the gym before my surgery as I was too self conscious.

I still hate my body though. I was expecting loose skin but im not sure I appreciated the feelings that would come with it. I feel like I look like I've melted. I hate looking in the mirror. Today I've been off work sick (unrelated infection)- im usually busy all the time. I've found myself just preoccupied with my own thoughts all day. I actually ended up crying briefly which is unusual for me.

Don't get me wrong. Im so grateful that I am no longer clinically obese and that I will hopefully avoid all the medical complications that I'm sure I would have had, should I have not had this surgery. Im just struggling to be happy. I feel a huge amount of guilt around this. So many people would love to be in my position. In the last few weeks I've actually entered a normal weight (24.9). I know I've achieved so much but I just thought I'd be happier about it.

My parents have offered to fund plastics for me ( ive been researching and hoping this is something I could do next year on finance), having paid half of my sleeve already. Again I just feel guilt instead of greatfulness. Im a grown woman with a job and a mortgage. I feel I should be supporting them, not still the other way around.

I'd love to try to have children, one of the reasons for my decision to get the sleeve. Im not sure that a Tummy Tuck is a good idea if I want to actively try for this, or that a surgeon would either, but also cant imagine living this way for the next few years. Im not sure it will even happen. I havent even had sex with my partner for around 6 months, the thought of it (my own body) makes me feel horrible. I just feel very conflicted.

I'm not sure I'll even be happy if I get the plastics I want. What if I just start focusing on another area I'm unhappy with.

I'm a psyc nurse so I know it's all about mindset and that there are clearly underlying issues with the way I feel about myself. I know I'd advise anyone that therapy is the way to go but I've already done it all. Im also well aware that there are no magic answers, therapy could go on for years with no change and that the provision of further therapy in the UK would be costly. Im feeling quite hopeless. I have made huge progress in terms of my own mental health since my teens. I guess just not as much as I thought.

I personally would not have a TT till after kids, I dont know the science, but i have had two and the amount of stretch is unreal and magical lol

Edited by dreamingsmall

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

23 hours ago, Oompa Lumpa said:

I havent even had sex with my partner for around 6 months, the thought of it (my own body) makes me feel horrible. I just feel very conflicted.

There's one very important person you need to have the frankest of conversations with ... NOW.

You need to gauge his feelings and commitment. My wife and I have had this conversation a few times and we are enjoying that we are both getting lighter/healthier.

Be very wary that you have had the sex-"tap" off for so long. Do something before the weekend is out!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

I'm getting a tone of some underlying anxiety and depression in your post. Since you have already been down the counselling road you should talk to your GP and see if a trial of SSRI would not be helpful. Best wishes.


Thanks you everyone for your replies. I think I was having a particularly rough day and being off work sick had not helped my mindset.

Apu. Im not sure this is biological depression and wonder if it's emotional and around myself esteem. Although I understand why it comes across this way. I stopped taking antidepressants a few months ago after finding them very helpful following a period two years ago when I was depressed. I feel I've moved on greatly since this. I've not really noticed any dips in other areas of my life and over all am functioning.

Congratulations on losing 80 pounds and getting your BMI in the normal range. Although I had some hanging skin after weight loss, it doesn't really bother me. It is generally below my belt and unless I was butt naked, no one except my wife would notice. But maybe it is because I am a man. I did notice that after surgery, I dropped from a size 3X down to a size small in shirts and from a size 46 down to a size 33 in pants, that I liked clothes again. This weight loss meant that I could shop in department stores again and replace my wardrobe with the latest fashions. I enjoyed this immensely.


You sound like yiu have done brilliantly James. I am trying very hard to focus on my achievements. I love that I can shop in normal stores again, im getting back onto clothes I haven't worn for years. I wonder if I am focusing on comparing myself to others too much (especially at the gym).

Hon, you are not alone in this!! You are quite a bit younger than me, (I am 61) talk about a melted body!! I look like a candle that has not only melted but I have run in a pool. LOL, I'll bet that more than NOT people struggle with these issues. The feelings that you have are so normal!! You just never know, your skin could bounce back faster than me at 61. As far as not feeling happy is just part of the growth we need to do. I had my RNY on July 2, 2013, I got to my goal weight in 6 months. So I actually have maintained my weight loss for 3 and 1/2 years. Sadly, I have gained back 8#'s But...I really did lose too much. In fact, my Dr. said he was glad that I had finally stopped losing. Am I happy about my gain? NOPE!!! But it is a whole lot less than 4 years ago. After 2 years of maintaining I had a PANNI done. The Plastic Surgeon removed 10 plus pounds of skin/fat etc. I am not very happy with my results. But for the actual removal of the bottom of my tummy, I am happy. But...now I need Lipo on my upper stomach. Which my PS would be happy to do more at a different time. He said he would give me a break on the cost. He said he would do my LIPO and a breast lift for $6,000. I am not happy with him at this time. He didn't follow thru with what he had said. He told me he would pull everything to the front and remove that along with my front removal. That didn't happen. Anyway, now that I have written a book I'm sorry. My hubby said something that opened my eyes. He told me that I would never be fine with my body that it didn 't matter what I had done I would always want more done!! You know what maybe he is right. I would suggest that you research and make sure that you do what is best for you. Good Luck


I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one who isn't loving every aspect of my new bod. I think you're husband sounds supportive and perhaps he was right. At the moment I still feel as if I would like the tummy done longer term (its quite a significant overhang already despite me only losing 80lbs so far) but I wonder if I should rethink other srugeries I was considering. I'll never be perfect

Sent from my SM-G935F using BariatricPal mobile app

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

Berry78, I know you are right. I would like to discuss with a surgeon about the Tummy Tuck pre children. Realistically It could take me years to be done and I wonder if there are other options (e.g. pani) which I could explore prior to this. If the surgeon says to wait then I will take their advice. I need to remember why I chose to have this operation in the first place. I wanted health and family and I'm well on my way to achieving this.

Makemyownluck - it sounds as if we are in a similar place. If I had money I'd be dangerous in regard to plastics! Maybe it's a blessing that that's a limitation. It will certainly force me to have to spend a long time considering my suitability for the procedure. I think tomorrow I will make a pro's and cons list of the reasons for wanting surgery. I would love to be happy as I am but can't imagine it at this point. Maybe this is just part of the journey getting used to our new bodies? It's possible that we could move through this stage into an acceptance (hopefully!).

Sent from my SM-G935F using BariatricPal mobile app

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

Dreamingsmall - I wouldn't worry yet until you see how your own body responds. Everyone's skin is different. I have 100lbs to loose and my perception is that I have significant loose skin. I've been told before by surgeons that my skin isn't great (history of breast list in 2011) and I'm an ex smoker which wouldn't have helped. Everyone is different though. It's all subjective too remember. Whilst I think my skin is bad, im also aware that there will be others who would view it as less significant. I have actually been watching videos on YouTube (they're called skin flicks haha) which is giving me some more perspective. There seem to be many people with issues with their skin, some worse than mine, some not as bad. Overall though as an outsider I still think they're all beautiful and have achieved so much. I need to learn to apply the same view to myself!

Sent from my SM-G935F using BariatricPal mobile app

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

There's one very important person you need to have the frankest of conversations with ... NOW.
You need to gauge his feelings and commitment. My wife and I have had this conversation a few times and we are enjoying that we are both getting lighter/healthier.
Be very wary that you have had the sex-"tap" off for so long. Do something before the weekend is out!


Thanks rainbow warrior. I have been very worried about this. I've discussed it with my partner who is very supportive. He would obviously prefer me to be ready "to go" again but isn't pressuring me at all. Im hoping that continuing to go to they gym will help my confidence but maybe I should make a concerted effort to focus on spending time together regardless of how I'm feeling about my looks. Hopefully if I can focus on this the rest may follow.

Sent from my SM-G935F using BariatricPal mobile app

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

38 minutes ago, Oompa Lumpa said:

maybe I should make a concerted effort to focus on spending time together regardless of how I'm feeling about my looks. Hopefully if I can focus on this the rest may follow.

There's more than one way to skin the proverbial cat, Oompa Lumps. And there's more than one way to seek intimate pleasure. Nudge, nudge ...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Oompa Lumpa said:

You sound like yiu have done brilliantly James. I am trying very hard to focus on my achievements. I love that I can shop in normal stores again, im getting back onto clothes I haven't worn for years. I wonder if I am focusing on comparing myself to others too much (especially at the gym).

Perhaps. I think clothes helps us look good. Without them, I think most people would look ugly. So the next time you visit a grocery store, imagine everyone without clothes (either that or visit a nudist colony). So don't beat yourself up on a little extra skin, it is what is inside that really counts.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Trending Products

  • Trending Topics

  • Recent Status Updates

    • Prdgrdma

      So I guess after gastric bypass surgery, I cant eat flock chips because they are fried???  They sell them on here so I thought I could have them. So high in protein and no carbs.  They don't bother me at all.  Help. 
      · 1 reply
      1. NickelChip

        It's possible for a very high fat meal to cause dumping in some (30% or so) gastric bypass patients, although it's more likely to be triggered by high sugar, or by the high fat/high sugar combo (think ice cream, donuts). Dietitians will tell you to never do anything that isn't 100% healthy ever again. Realistically, you should aim for a good balance of protein, carbs, and fat each day. Should you eat fried foods every day? No. Is it possible they will make you sick? Maybe. Is it okay to eat some to see what happens and have them for a treat every now and again? Yes.

    • NovelTee

      I'm not at all hungry on this liquid pre-op diet, but I miss the sensation of chewing. It's been about two weeks––surgery is in two days––and I can't imagine how I'll feel a couple of weeks post-op. Tonight, I randomly stumbled upon a mukbang channel on YouTube, and it was strangely soothing... is it just me, or is this a thing? 
      · 1 reply
      1. NickelChip

        I actually watched cooking shows during my pre-op, like Great British Baking Show. It was a little bizarre, but didn't make me hungry. I think it was also soothing in a way.

    • Clueless_girl

      How do you figure out what your ideal weight should be? I've had a figure in my head for years, but after 3 mths of recovery I'm already almost there. So maybe my goal should be lower?
      · 3 replies
      1. NickelChip

        Well, there is actually a formula for "Ideal Body Weight" and you can use a calculator to figure it out for you. This one also does an adjusted weight for a person who starts out overweight or obese. https://www.mdcalc.com/calc/68/ideal-body-weight-adjusted-body-weight

        I would use that as a starting point, and then just see how you feel as you lose. How you look and feel is more important than a number.

      2. Clueless_girl

        I did find different calculators but I couldn't find any that accounted for body frame. But you're right, it is just a number. It was just disheartening to see that although I lost 60% of my excess weight, it's still not in the "normal/healthy" range..

      3. NickelChip

        I think it's important to remember that the weight charts and BMI ranges were developed a very long time ago and only intended to be applied to people who have never been overweight or obese. Those numbers aren't for us. When you are larger, especially for a long time, your body develops extra bone to support the weight. Your organs get a little bigger to handle the extra mass. Your entire infrastructure increases so you can support and function with the extra weight. That doesn't all go away just because you burn off the excess fat. If you still had a pair of jeans from your skinniest point in life and then lost weight to get to the exact number on the scale you were when those jeans fit you, chances are they would be a little baggy now because you would actually be thinner than you were, even though the scale and the BMI chart disagree. When in doubt, listen to the jeans, not the scale!

    • Aunty Mamo

      Tomorrow marks two weeks since surgery day and while I'm feeling remarkably well and going about just about every normal activity, I did wind up with a surface abscess on on of my incision sights and was put on an antibiotic that made me so impacted that it took me more than two hours to eliminate yesterday and scared the hell out of me. Now there's Miralax in all my beverages that aren't Smooth Move tea. I cannot experience that again. I shouldn't have to take Ativan to go to the lady's. I really looking forward to my body getting with the program again. 
      I'm in day three of the "puree" stage of eating and despite the strange textures, all of the savory flavors seem decadent. 
      I timed this surgery so that I'd be recovering during my spring break. That was a good plan. Today is a state holiday and the final day of break. I feel really strong to return to school tomorrow. 
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • BeanitoDiego

      Now that I'm in maintenance mode, I'm getting a into a routine for my meals. Every day, I start out with 8-16 ounces of water, and then a proffee, which I have come to look forward to even the night before. My proffees are simply a black coffee with a protein powder added. There are three products that I cycle through: Premier Vanilla, Orgain Vanilla, and Dymatize Vanilla.
      For second breakfast on workdays, I will have a low-fat yogurt with two tablespoons of PBFit and two teaspoons of no sugar added dried cherries. I will have ingested 35-45 grams of protein at this point between the two breakfasts, with 250-285 calories, and about 20 carbs.
      For second breakfast on non-workdays, I will prepare two servings of plain, instant oatmeal with a tablespoon of an olive oil-based spread. This means I will have had 34 grams of protein, 365 calories, and 38 carbs. Non-workdays are when I am being very active with training sessions, so I allow myself more carbohydrate fuel.
      Snacks on any day are always mixed nuts, even when I am travelling. I will have 0.2 cups of a blend that I make myself. It consists of dry roasted peanuts, cashews, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, pistachios, and Brazil nuts. This is 5 grams of protein, 163 calories, and 7 carbs.
      Breakfast and snacks have been the easiest to nail down. Lunch and dinner have more variables, and I prepare enough for leftovers. I concentrate on protein first, and then add vegetables. Typically tempeh, tofu, or Field Roast products with roasted or sautéed vegetables. Today, I will be eating leftovers from last night. Two ounces of tempeh with four ounces of roasted vegetables that consist of red and yellow sweet peppers, sweet potatoes, small purple potatoes, zucchini, and carrots. I will add a tablespoon of olive oil-based spread, break up 3 walnuts to sprinkle of top, and garnish with two tablespoons of grated Parmesan cheese. This particular meal will be 19 grams of protein, 377 calories, and 28 grams of carbs. Bear in mind that I do eat more carbs when I am not working, and I focus on ingesting healthy carbs instead of breads/crackers/chips/crisps.
      It's a helluva journey and I'm thankful to be on it!
       
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
  • Recent Topics

  • Hot Products

  • Sign Up For
    Our Newsletter

    Follow us for the latest news
    and special product offers!
  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs

    PatchAid Vitamin Patches

    ×